Anyway, this girl at uni, asking her out, it's just not happenin'. The attraction isn't going anywhere. I've gotta stop thinking I'm ever gonna talk to her, because I'm not. She wasn't a focus on my recent week off uni; not once did I really stop to think about her. If she can't even hold my thought for a week, there's nothing there, goddamnit :P
I've come to realise that it's not completely my fear that's preventing me from talking to her; it's also her personality. There are still things I like about her, namely our obvious shared interest in writing, the intellect she's demonstrated over the past few months (very apparent as of late), as well as her body; but the smartarse in her is really turning me off. Like, in a lecture yesterday, the lecturer did the old I'm gonna ask you what the answer to the last question was to check if you were really listening routine, and she answered him without skipping a beat—and she had been talking while the lecturer was. That's a level of confidence I can't affront, no fucking way. She just isn't approachable, not in any light. If I ask her out, or even try to talk to her, I'll get nothing but a verbal backhand and a frowny face.
What's really happening, as I've come to realise over the past few weeks, is I just want to be with somebody—she just happens to be the somebody I picked to think about, to fill that void in my head so I could think about somebody. I think the attraction was genuine to start with—I mean, she is very pretty, and the aspects of her personality I spoke of earlier were ones I was genuinely attracted to, but her attitude was an issue for me from the beginning:
"Her default face is kind of like my default face: it leans more towards 'apathetic' than 'content' or even 'neutral'. She seems a little apathetic overall, which turns me off a little..."
'Questions: Should I Be Asking Them?', published 22/5/12
That's been in the back of my mind every time I've contemplated talking to her or asking her out, and it's managed to play a larger role than I originally thought in alienating her from me.
I still think she's pretty—her physical beauty is what kept me thinking about her in the first place. Her skin tone is such a perfect shade of white—it's fucking incredible to look at. She wore a sleeveless top today; I couldn't stop looking at her arms. They were oddly mesmerising. Forget her tits or her pussy—I'm fine looking at her ligaments for the meantime :P And her hair is a really nice shade of orange, just the right spot on the spectrum, nor is it too bright or too dull. Her eyes are stunning; they draw you right in (though the make-up might be doing a bit of work there). And her lips are luscious, a size I haven't seen before, not to mention the colour. Her small build compliments the face really well—I seem prefer petit redheads, where as with other hair colours, the build doesn't seem to matter as much.
That said, I kept picturing us together, but with only her body intact. I changed her personality to remove this 'I don't give a fuck' attitude, simply making her love me and want to be with me—this wasn't just because I want a girl to love me and long to be with me, but to replace those aspects of her attitude I didn't like, ultimately changing the way I thought about her. Think the same thing for long enough and you'll eventually convince yourself it's true, if you're not careful. I can't overlook it anymore, so I have to call it quits. I don't even wanna pursue her just to hook up, even if I thought she might agree to it, because the physical appeal isn't really sexual. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind fucking her were I more open to the idea of casual sex (I'm not losing virginity with a woman who isn't my girlfriend), but I honestly just like thinking about cuddling her and kissing her and making love, just romantic kind of stuff, not so much just fucking her brains out.
I'll probably still think about her, fantasise about her and stuff, but I see no problem with that—she's fucking beautiful, as is making love to her in my head :P That said, however, I think I should just take things as they come with girls, just take opportunities wherever and whoever they come up with rather than focusing on one random chick :P There are still a few smart, attractive girls in my writing class, and plenty more just walking around the rest of the uni. I'm not waiting for, nor expecting, girls to just come walking up to me and thinking I'm top shit (cos I'm kinda not :P), but unless I see (and get to know) a girl who simply blows me away with every aspect of her personality, there's no point in me narrowing my focus just yet.
...now to go against everything I've said and pick some other girl in my writing class to ogle >.>
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