This song best sums up my emotions yesterday. I'm not a muso, so I don't really look into what songs mean or anything, but I get more out of instrumentals than songs with lyrics (primarily because I understand the ins and outs of language, but don't know shit about music :P). Says a lot about the state of the industry when a free cover of a track composed for a Super Nintendo game in 1992 does more for me than modern commercial music ever will.
Yesterday, I went into to town to catch up with a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a whole year. It was really good to see her again, and to catch up with a few other friends, some of whom I also hadn't seen in a long while. Being with the initial group was really fun, but as soon as our interstate visitor left (with a few others), it was just me, my ex, and another friend (incidentally, her other ex). This was a little awkward for me, but I emphasise the 'little'; this could have been a lot worse. I wasn't unable to speak to her or make her laugh; I was just a little uneasy. Rather simple explanation, too—the usual 'man, I wish it could go back to the way it was so we could talk comfortably' thought runs through my head, it's determined (for the millionth time) that this isn't possible, and I just get tense. The other friend and I actually stood there with her in complete silence for 30 seconds trying to decide what to do, making it somewhat more awkward for me. She eventually decided to leave (seeing as we weren't doing, you know... anything at all :P), so it was just the two of us.
The remaining friend and I messed around for a little while (playing Time Crisis 3 for half an hour = best use of twenty bucks ever :P), and we eventually called it a day. The whole way home, I was bothered about two things.
The first thing is rather unrelated, but I still feel like I need to get this off my chest. I mentioned in this entry hearing about how my ex's second boyfriend was dumped due to religious reasons. Upon his elaboration on the events surrounding the break-up, he told me the dumping was due to her needing some kind of 'moral guidance' for certain church activities she was involved with—I'm paraphrasing, but this is the gist of what I was told. This just fucked with my head all over again, almost as bad as when I heard the initial information several months back.
I mean, seriously? You're seriously telling your daughter to dump her boyfriend because you think he's going to corrupt her moral compass or something? The fuck was he going to do? No decent boyfriend is going to interfere with their girlfriend's religious practices unless it's their faith is causing them to do serious damage to someone's life. And furthermore, this is an nineteen-year-old woman we're talking about here; she does not need 'moral guidance' from anyone. She can make moral and spiritual decisions on her own. Her parents' assertion implies she's so weak that, with a non-Christian boyfriend, she'll fall to their temptation and lose her faith.
It's official: her parents think she's fucking retarded. They think she's too dumb to think for herself, too ignorant to make her own decisions, and so incapable of learning right from wrong that she needs a Christian man to tell her how to live her life. How fucking progressive. Honestly, it's just a front for the parents' bigotry and intolerance of non-Christians being in a relationship with their daughter, end of story. I don't know why it makes me angry, 'cos it has nothing to do with me and doesn't affect me, but I guess when you put a face to the negative consequences of indoctrination, I just get pissed. It's disgusting, and it's no way to treat your child, especially when they're an adult, and especially when they're probably smarter than you are.
The other reason I felt a little tense, though, is what I actually wanted to talk about: it's the fact that I'm only now realising just how separate from the social world I am. When my ex went to get lunch at the mall, she ran into someone she knew who happened to be working at the place she bought the food from. The other friend with me saw people from uni while he was waiting for his bus. I've never gone to a place of business and seen someone I'm friends with (I've seen people I know, but not a really good friend of mine). This is for two reasons—the first being that I don't go places very often anyway, hence not having the opportunity to see my friends in the first place; and the second being, more importantly, the fact that I don't know that many people to begin with! Same with uni—granted, I do run into my friends at uni, but it's nowhere near as common for me as it is for others.
The fact of the matter is that my friends have connections that extend far beyond their old high school, whereas I don't. I've never felt truly included with the others in my writing tutorials, deciding not to talk to anyone unless I have to. They don't really respond too much to anything I write either—given what I've presented them with, I wouldn't be surprised if one half of the class thought I was retarded and the other thought I was disgusting :P I only have one person who I hang with or talk to in class and after class, and while he responds well to my work (and I his—I look up to him as a writer), I don't talk to him outside of uni at all. In my first two semesters, I have not made even one new friend I could actually socialise with like I do with the rest of my friends. That's fucking sad, man :P
It's a catch-22, a really bad one—I don't have that many friends, so I'm not invited to any events where I can meet new people; and I'm not meeting any new people, so I can't make more friends to hang out with. Fuck :P
Upon going back through previous entries, I found this one to be outlining the same problems I'm talking about here, albeit glossing over them a little:
"...I am alone most of the time, with hardly a name or two I can attach to "friends"; I am without the desire to meet new people or enter new places..."
'Self-Esteem: Stop Flicking That Goddamned Light Switch!', published 25/4/11
So, I still have the same problem as I did one-and-a-half years ago (not surprising :P), but now that desire to meet new people does exist, even if only subconsciously. I'm seeing just how extended the social networks of my friends are, all the while realising how restricted my own network is, slowly but surely. Thing is, seeing as all the social events I ever go to (and have been invited to lately) consist only of people I already know.
As I said, the desire to meet new people does now exist, even if only due to envy. Now it's just about manipulating my situation as to feel like meeting people when there are actually people to be met :P Oftentimes, I'll feel really awkward around people I don't know, or when I want to say something to someone where I can't really predict their reactions; that only happens, however, when I'm in a negative mindset. When I'm in a positive mindset, I'm all the more willing to put my ass on the line and enter situations I otherwise wouldn't. Therefore, I need to activate that positive mindset when opportunity strikes. When I think about the great things that have happened to me and come into my life when I have done these 'dangerous' things, it makes me want to keep pushing the boundaries, so that's the key to making the most of the situation at hand.
So, what social events are there that I can get in on? I'm not going to shit alone, that's for sure—I'm not quite that confident :P If I go alone, I'll just be sitting in a dark corner thinking "fffffuucccckkk O.O" the whole time, praying that some asshole comes over to me and just runs his mouth of at me, just so I have something to do. If I was taken by people I do know to a place where there are people I don't know, that's a good balance between social safety and social opportunity. I suppose I can go to events alone if the event in question is a first-time thing where new people will be expected, but otherwise, the leap is too great and I'll be intimidated by all the existing bonds around me. I have to ease myself into this slowly; provided I actually go through with this, it'll eventually be no trouble to go by myself to a place where no one knows me, but for now, I need the security.
This whole thing is also making me far more willing to inquire about performing stand-up, because that'd be a great way to meet people (provided I don't suck ass :P). I guess it depends on where I'm performing, but if I perform at my uni's bar, and perform well, surely someone will compliment me and offer to buy me a drink, meet their friends, some shit like that. That's too fuckin' easy—not only is all the work of actually initiating contact done for me, but I'll be expected to say shit and be myself! The problem of my the bar not actually having any official comedy night is making itself evident in that none of the people I can find contact details for will be able to help me—they're all for bands, so I'm not sure who to ask to organise anything. But, at the same time, if I can somehow find a way in, I'll be the only motherfucker doing it, so I'll certainly stand out (you know, before they setup an open mic night and some gifted newcomer comes along to wipe the floor with me :P). It'll also help me with my career goals, as I'll meet people who I can work with on other projects.
As per usual, once I get the ball rolling, it just gets easier and easier until it becomes commonplace. Even discussing this stuff in a let's play I'm doing, even writing about it right now, is getting me excited about the possibilities—this is exactly the mindset I need to be in to feel comfortable talking to people I don't know.
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