Opportunities: Improper Interpretations

I've been interpreting opportunities to do social things in a really bizarre way lately. I seem to hate missing chances to do social things, but then when I'm offered the same social thing, or at least something similar, I'm like "meh, whatever." These two mindsets cannot coexist harmoniously.

Like, the friend of mine whose birthday I went to: they went out at a certain point, and the day before, I had a panic attack about not being able to go due to not having ID. I'm like "fuck fuck fuck this was your once chance and you blew it you asshat, why didn't you get your license earlier, do they take birth certificates combined with uni ID? No, of course they don't, why would they, everyone my age has the goddamned card already >.<". But I got over it relatively quickly and convinced myself that, no, I hadn't missed out on anything too major. Would have liked to go, but couldn't—I'll just wait till next time, right?

I'm pretty sure the friend of mine is gonna leave the country too soon for her to go out again (lemme know if I'm wrong there, Lucy). Or maybe the venues just won't be open due to the holidays, and won't re-open until she's gone. That all made me panic again for a short while. But really, it's all OK, cos I have a second avenue: my family. My second cousins, who are a little older than me, go out too, and they aren't going anywhere, so they're far more reliable. My mum even into my room the other day and was like "Now that you have your license, you could go out on New Years Eve with your cousins!", to which I responded "...eh. I'd rather just stay home."

What? What? I get fucking pissed off when I can't go, but when I can go, I don't want to go? Not only that, but I didn't even have to ask for that invitation! The hell is this? Part of me thinks it's this idea that going with my friend would be more comfortable than going with my family. But that's backwards. I'd be just as comfortable going with both, and technically, my family would be better support because a) there are more of them, and b) they're older than my friend and I, hence having more experience. I'm happy to go with either out with either one, but in all honesty, the more reliable group is also the more practical group. The other option isn't even a group; it's one person!

And I kinda feel like a social leech for even asking my friend in the first place, especially given how much shit is on her plate—she has way bigger things to worry about and she should not (and fucking will not :P) worry about inviting me anywhere. But I won't feel that way about my family cos I know they aren't as busy, and they'll be cool with taking me out. I gotta stop worrying about this one connection breaking for a while when I have this other really solid connection I can use instead.

And I know exactly what the fuck will happen if they go out on NYE and I don't: I'll sit at home, play some video games, and eventually think "...I would be having moar funz if I was out. Crap :(" I've already missed one opportunity; missing more is just fucking stupid :P

I'm actually hoping this whole 'going out' thing can become less elusive for me. The way I'm reacting, you'd think Jesus showed himself at these venues and I missed his second coming. This is not that different to going to a late movie, or a birthday party, or anything else I could possibly be invited to! It's the fucking same. The only difference is there's alcohol and dancing. People are still there, strangers are still there, assholes are still there, women are still there: it's just people meeting up and socialising in an environment I haven't been in before. Are there new opportunities? Sure. I'm not exactly likely to get laid at a late night movie with friends :P  But is it that much different? No. It's not even the first place I've been to where there's alcohol and young adults. I've already been to at least one thing like that, and even if it wasn't a bar/club specifically, it's the same atmosphere.

And thinking it's different will make me act different. If I'm like "Oooh, I'm in a club, better act like it!", I'll either get really nervous really quickly, or act like a tryhard and look like a complete ass. If I'm like "Oooh, I'm in a club. Let's walk around and see what's going on :)", I'll be way more calm and likely to interact with people. I can't take it for what I think it's gonna be; I have to take it for what it is.

I've had lots of social success with my friends this year, more than I expected. We've stopped meeting up at uni, which kinda sucks, but I've still managed to organise quite a few things this year to compensate. I've had three gaming days, one of which was my birthday, and they were all super fun. I've invited one particular friend over heaps of times, meeting her in the mall then going back to my place to do stuff. I guess you could say we're best friends now :)  And I've invited one or two other people over periodically. I even have one extra gaming day in the works, which will hopefully happen before the end of the year. I haven't really been invited as much, but I still went to two birthday parties, a movie or two, a gaming day at someone else's place, and maybe one or two other things I can't remember right now. This is way better than last year: I've taken initiative and made plans on my own more times than I would ever have expected myself to. It's progress, and I should be pleased with it.

This 'going out' stuff is nothing but the next step in the process. I was nervous when asking people over on Facebook cos I was like "Man, they probably have better stuff to do... >.>" but that isn't there now. My fears of bars and nightclubs are the same kinds of fears: ones that will go away eventually once they're confronted.

I think the main thing that will get me by is this realisation: the key is not to think. I didn't want to invite people over cos I thought they'd have better things to do. When I stopped thinking that, it stopped being a roadblock. Might they have had better things to do, prior commitments and the like? Certainly—some of them did. But most of them didn't. When I went to the birthday party a few weeks back, I thought less and reacted more. I didn't hold back anywhere near as much as I usually do, and I had fun because of it. I was with friends, so it was a safe environment anyway, but I was still at greater ease than I usually am in social things. And the same goes for going out: if I just let stuff happen rather than getting caught up in what will happen, or what has already happened, it should be cool. Good stuff will happen, bad stuff will happen, but it won't have such a stranglehold on my emotions.

My brain has to act like the US government did during the shutdown: only the essential parts must be kept running, and everything else gets turned the fuck off. I still have to be vigilant—new environments can be dangerous, so I have to be at least a little wary—but I'll have my family to keep an eye out too, at least initially, so that will make things safer.

This could very well be the alternative start to socialising I've wanted seeing as the stand-up thing will have to wait a few months. I should embrace it :)