Groin pain skywards.
I finally got my driver's license! I can finally get started on learning to drive. Even now that I have the card, the whole 'driving a car' part is still freaking me out. I know what all the signs mean, what lanes I can use, where I can change lanes, where I can stop/park, all that crap. But the not-running-people-over, concentrating-all-the-time, not-hitting-another-car part? Ssscccaaarrryyyy. I know it'll take some time to get used to the basics of starting and stopping, changing gears, turning corners, when to check mirrors and look behind. I'm pretty sure I can do those things. Doing them around other cars though? Eeeeeeep :|
I can also go out now! :D I was really looking forward to it before, but lately, even that's started to look difficult again. I mean, if I went, I doubt anything really bad would happen. I might say something stupid, feel awkward—certainly nothing worse than getting rejected by some chick I've started talking to or dancing with. But what pops into my head when I'm not feeling good is, like, some thug bashing the shit out of me, or my ID not being accepted, or being glassed or raped, or some other absolutely ridiculous scenario. None of those things are impossible, but they're soooo unlikely that I may as well not think about them. It's not helpful at all. I think if I do go out, I will be happy I made the decision to do so, even if I would have otherwise been fine with not going. Just the relative maturity of it all will probably make me feel pretty confident :)
Speaking of socialising, I was on reddit a while back and discovered two awesome subreddits that should be a big help for me: r/socialskills and r/faimprovement (Forever Alone Improvement). While r/seduction has helped me somewhat, its focus is on men dealing with women, whereas the other two are focused on socially awkward people dealing with other people of all sorts. After thinking about this for a while, I realised that I'm shit with people. I'm not shit with women specifically; I'm just shit at socialising in general. And I need basic social skills downpat before I can go beyond introductions and friendships to things like dating and hooking up. There are certainly things I need to work on when it comes to talking to women specifically, so it's good to know there are resources out there for that; and once I get far enough along with basic social skills, I can effectively work on both at the same time if I want to. But right now, I'm just not there yet.
That realisation kinda sucks because so much of the reason behind my wanting to go out more is to meet someone I can date or hook up with, but there's so much shit to do before I'll be able to even approach women I like the look/sound of. It seems so far away that, if I feel down, I think to myself "what is the point? The only reason I want to be with a woman is because I like how it feels to be with one. Couldn't I just... not pursue this? Am I sacrificing that much by just not talking to them or trying to fuck them or whatever else it is I want?" But I think it'll come with time. As soon as I see some chick I like, my brain will be like "Hey you know that stuff I said about not talking to women? omg I was so stupid when I said that, lol. :O nononononono, don't, like, rush over there. That would be silly. Gimme an hour or two to think about possible introductions. Just, like, think about approaching her, and stuff :)"
And I miss physical contact sooooo much. Not just hugging and cuddling, either--all the little stuff gets to me even more. I had a friend over the other day, and we were watching Whose Line on the lounge. She then rested her head on my shoulder. She's not interested in me (she once was, but says she no longer is, and I believe her), and I'm not interested in her, so it wasn't romantic. But it still felt really awesome. This pleasant tension arose in my stomach, something I haven't felt in a long while. It didn't matter that she was just a friend; I just like it when girls lie on my shoulder like that. But when a friend does it, as gratifying as it feels, I can't put my arms around them, I can't stroke their hair, I can't lie on their shoulder--the interaction can't go any further. I miss holding hands, too, though I haven't done that with a girl for ages. And even if I have, it hasn't been the cutesy, interlocking fingers, stroking-the-back-of-her-hand-with-my-thumb variety. That's what I miss.
(I really fucking hope that isn't a sign she still likes me, cos if it is, as nice as it feels, it's a sign of some serious one-itis :P)
It's so strange reading about how socially acceptable it can be to touch people you've just met if you do it the right way, escalating the touching such that you touch different parts of them in a certain order (so long as they're cool with it). It's like "wow, really? I don't have to wait too long to do that? Cool! :D" but then the perceived risk factor hits and it's like "no no no no no no no omg that's so creepy, wow, jeez, don't do that, holy shit she'll smack you >.<" In any case, I'd need major balls to initiate anything like that, whether with some chick I just met or someone I've already met who I wanna ask out or something. I guess longing for it will give me incentive, which I definitely need, but still... scaryyyy.
Hmm... I wonder if, instead of a fuck buddy, I could get a cuddle buddy. That would be cool :3
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