Adequacy

I've been feeling down quite a bit lately, probably for the past week or so. I haven't really felt this consistently depressed for a while. I don't know why it's started now, all of a sudden—I can't think of what's provoked it—but I just don't feel adequate as a person, at least not in a romantic/sexual context. I just feel like less of a person than other guys. It's not one specific thing, either; it's a compound of all sorts of things, of everything I see in myself as a problem.

I remember saying in an entry a while ago that my skills with women were merely an extension of my skills with people in general—well, as true as that might be, it's not quite that simple. Since I vowed in September to improve my social skills and branch out a bit more, I have noticed a significant improvement in my basic interaction skills. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, or where I should be, but I've made progress. I'm comfortable on a more regular basis when talking to both friends and strangers; I'm a little more talkative; I've learned some things about how to keep conversations going; I've made efforts to listen more and interject less. But when it comes to women, my skills haven't gone forward, or even gone nowhere; they've gone backward.

I think back to high school and marvel at what I managed to do. However I fathomed the courage, I asked two girls out in the space of six months. Haven't asked a single one out since then. How the fuck did I do it? Didn't I have less character back then? When I asked Sally out at the end of Year 10, I hardly even knew who I was—I certainly didn't identify as a comedian, or anything else, at that point in time. But even with that, I still said "Well, fuck it, let's do this shit." Took me two years, but once I got there, scepticism jumped off a fuckin' cliff. No "what if she rejects you?", or "what if she laughs at you?", or any of that shit. I just did it.

Same with my ex: I liked her for a few months, and then just fuckin' asked when the opportunity came along. The decision to ask at the specific time was a spur of the moment thing. Again, no fears of rejection or anything: I just went up to her and asked her to a goddamn movie.

I can't do that anymore because the long periods of time required for feeling to develop are gone. That's what pushed me to do what I did in the past: I liked the girls so much for so long that I just had to ask. I just wanted to fucking know whether they were interested; it eventually got to a point where my ignorance was worse than any potential rejection. That 'waiting' shit doesn't work at uni, or anywhere in adulthood, really. I can't wait for two years to ask one person out again—that's just ridiculous—and there's no recess or lunch period for me to hang around someone I like in a group and warm to them slowly over a few weeks/months. It's not an option anymore.

But I'm not used to doing this any other way. I don't like girls as soon as I fucking look at them: their bodies alone will not convince me to do anything. I can't remember the last time I saw a girl I even wanted to walk up to, let alone one I had feelings for. The spontaneity doesn't mesh with me at all. I miss having a girl to like—that by itself would make me happy. Forget asking her out; I don't give a shit about that, not right now. I just want someone to think about so I can feel better. That alone would be amazing.

Along with this, the deficiencies in my personality lead me to think it's actually immoral to approach women. I think about doing it, and it feels so wrong, like I'm not allowed to do it yet because I haven't earned the right. I know I'm not a complete asshole—I treat women with respect as equals, and I don't set out to control or manipulate them. I suppose in that respect, I'm technically better than some current boyfriends. I know I'm not a bad person; I'm just an incomplete person. I don't have any real career desires (apart from comedy, which isn't a career I can say I'm actively working towards ); I don't have any real hobbies apart from comedy and typical geeky shit which only serves to alienate people; I have almost no confidence; I don't have any desire to travel, eat normal food, drink alcohol, or try dangerous things in general; and I'm sexually deformed. Who would want to be with someone so broken and boring? I see no appeal. And with that in mind, even if I were to convince myself I'm a half-decent guy, and I actually managed to talk to a girl, wouldn't all these problems eventually come to light regardless? It seems deceptive to just sweep those shortcomings under the rug like that.

Thinking about my ex made me feel a little better. It proves that there was at least one person who was willing to give me a chance. I often compare myself to my friends in terms of their lives, and though most of my friends seem to be in relationships and sexually active, I have one friend who's never been in a relationship or had sex before. I'm definitely not the worst off, even if I am still behind the majority. But even if a girl liked me in high school, I'm not in high school anymore. The standards are different now; the bar's been raised. Sex is a thing I have to worry about now; it was a complete non-issue before. Same with having a job, thinking about one's future—even having experience in prior romantic/sexual relationships—they're all relevant things now, things I didn't have to worry about at all with the girls I liked before.

It's not like this is anyone's fault but my own: I'm responsible for making myself attractive to others, end of story. No one is obliged to find me attractive or interesting; the world owes me nothing. But it seems so impossible to fix even one of these problems in a reasonable amount of time, let alone all of them. I know you don't have to be perfect to have a relationship, but I feel like I'm too far down the other end of the spectrum to have a chance. I wish I could get at least some of the confidence back, cos that's the key to fixing the other problems, especially the risk taking ones. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my desire for a relationship off so this crap doesn't happen, but that can't be done. I can't disable it and I can't suppress it. I have to live with it.