Surprise Motherfucker!

So I'm staying at a friend's place for 2 nights with 8 of his college buddies right now. I can't update as I go along as I only have internet access through this iPad, which I have to share with everyone. In one respect, I am having an amazing time. His friends are fucking kickass people: they're funny, they're accepting, they're like me in terms of their interests, and I can make them laugh. I really hope I get to see these people again; they are so much fun to hang with. It sucks they all live out of town.

The other respect has turned my life upside down, and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that. There's a girl here (1 of 3), and as soon as she walked in, I was like ":O ... :D". She's so fucking cute. She has the prettiest smile I've ever seen. And I love it when she laughs. And I love it when I make her laugh. We played Card Against Humanity last night, and every time I made her laugh, I felt so happy. I know it's just a crush and I'm in over my head, but I don't care. I haven't felt this way in years.

The problem is with how I tried to deal with the emotions. After the CAH game, I was reaching breaking point. Infatuation fluids were seeping out the walls, flooding the floor, children were slipping over—it was madness up there. There was a friend I wanted to talk to, someone I always vent to about these things, but I didn't know if I could get it all out via SMS. I opted instead to talk to the host of the sleepover, seeing as he was the only one these who'd known me for any more than a few hours. I asked him if I could talk to him in private, and we did. I asked if the girl was single, but he didn't know—he didn't even know if she was straight. Upon confessing that I liked her, he panicked, fearing this would fuck up the gathering. It's in his nature to react poorly to stressful situations, and I got where he was coming from, so if felt bad for messing with his peace of mind, but I was so goddamn attracted to this girl that I couldn't hold it in.

Worst part? The girl popped her head around the corner while we were talking about her. I dunno if she heard anything, how long she was there for, or if she had any clue what we were doing, but she definitely knew it was a private convo cos she turned around and left. I pointed out that she saw us and my friend panicked again. He suggested I leave this until the stay is over, and I agreed. I texted my regular vent-friend, and she suggested the same thing.

It was a sleepless night. I slept for maybe 30 minutes. I couldn't stop thinking about what I did, and how much I like this girl. I spent 2 hours slowly venting into a word document on my phone, desperately trying not to wake anyone with the light of the screen. I was so nervous. I really hope she doesn't know, but she's so quiet with me that I honesty can't tell. I dunno if she heard it and doesn't want anything to do with me, or if she heard and she's indifferent, or if she didn't hear and she's just really shy with strangers. Each scenario makes sense with what little data I have. I don't wanna ruin the trip cos of my feelings for, or actions towards, the girl either. I just wanna have as much fun today and tomorrow as I did on Friday, cos it was seriously an epic night. But I still wanna ask her out.

I don't wanna get my hopes up either, but we seem so similar! We like the same things, we have a similar sense of humour... she's just awesome. I know one thing, though: if I don't ask her out, I'll regret it forever. I don't even have any sexual desire here: I honestly just want to take her out for coffee and learn more about her. She lives in Sydney, which is another issue, but I don't give a flying fuck: I wanna see her again. I'll buy the goddamn train tickets, I'll wait the two fucking hours: it will be worth it. But I have to be ready for a 'no', too. For all I know, she isn't even into guys, so I'm really in the dark with this shit.

So yeah: tomorrow, I will be asking a girl out. I will be asking a girl out for the first time in three-and-a-half years. I'm asking this fucking person out. I may never see them again; I may become their friend; I may date them once, or for a little while, or for a long while. But goddamn it, right now I just want some clarity, a fucking answer. I don't know if I've ever wanted an answer from a crush this fast—usually I like to keep the feelings, to savour them for a while—but I can't fuck around this time. Everything's up in their air and time is not on my side.

Freakin' oooouuuttttt!