Ideas: The Crazy, Albiet Reasonable Things You Wanna Do, and Therefore Should Do

"I got a lot of good ideas -- trouble is, most of 'em suck."

George Carlin

Do you sometimes have ideas that you think are really out there and perhaps even beyond realisation, but just might fuckin' work? I got a few... like not putting all your end-of-year exams at the end of the goddamned year! Maybe we'd like some space in there to... study! System wants me to do well? System can be reasonable for once, and maybe System will get what System wants! And what's up with testing me on shit I've already been tested on? That's what most end-of-year tests are: all-encompassing tests that examine you on everything you learned that year... do you even remember half the shit you learned this year? Well, I suppose you've managed to remember everything you've learned this year -- if you haven't remembered it, you haven't learned it :P  The thing is, I can't understand what the topic test was for if I'm just gonna get examined again on that very same topic in a few months time! If I really need that knowledge for anything I do in the future, I'll take in on myself to learn it in preparation, rather than getting it all back in my head for the sake of repeated analysis by the State.

I got a sorta messed up idea too; it's disgusting, but it's got potential! See, my eating habits are fucked up, and I mean fucked up. I have no allergies and no medical conditions to worry about; my habits are pure, 100% choice. If you think you've seen a fussy eater, you ain't seen shit, son :P  Ladies, would you go out with a guy who eats crackers and custard for dinner? Methinks not :P  This idea would need me a stroke of luck to find a more-than-willing participant, but it would eliminate the need for me to ask that question ever again. First, I'd have to meet a girl whose answer to that question is something along the lines of "of course!" or "why not?" The problem is that any girl would change their answer to that question pretty quickly upon experiencing my eating habits and the self-imposed restrictions that come with them. This is where the second part comes in: I call it "The Transitional Stage." Basically, we get the relationship to a point where we're happy to make out ("lips and tongue" is one of my all-time favourite dishes :P). At this point, I tell her my idea in full. What happens is: she gets something to eat that I haven't tried before, she takes a bite, chews it up a bit... then we let our tongues dance together for a good ten, maybe fifteen seconds, at least until a good portion of the food is in my mouth, so I can taste it! It's win-win: she gets a boyfriend who isn't a total pain in the arse to go out with, and I get to make out! How isn't this an awesome idea!?

In all seriousness though, I actually have an idea I'd like to see brought to life; and I've already got pretty much everything I need. You know how at the mall, and in other public places, you've got kids walking around with iPods, DS's, PSP's, mobile phones; all that shit? I'm old school; I need me some split-screen action! Here's what I want to do: I have a small 21" (~50cm) LCD TV that will fit in a bag, an old laptop with a bunch of emulators on it (NES, SNES, N64, PS1, etc), and two PS3 controllers that will work on the laptop with special drivers. I take the TV and the laptop in to a public place (most likely a mall), set the TV and laptop up near a power-point (and out of people's way), get friend(s) to donate another two controllers, and set up a small 4-player retro rig for anyone who wants to join in! If you saw Mario Kart 64 and a spare controller at the mall, wouldn't you stop by and play a bit? And how awesome would some Goldeneye be!? It'd be a blast! We might get kicked out, but so long as we're not too loud, and we keep out of people's way, what's the fuckin' problem with this? Stealing their power, am I? This equipment wouldn't suck up anymore than $1 worth of juice in the space of an hour, if that. I'll chuck 'em a coin and tell 'em to lighten up :P

Security is a bit of an issue, although not so much with the TV and laptop, as they're both heaps of shit that only serve to get the job done, not to mention their weight -- you'd be better off robbing one of the surrounding department stores :P  It's the PS3 controllers I'm worried about, as they don't have the cable attached at the controller end. Someone could simply yank the micro-USB out and run off with $100 worth of equipment; three people do that, and I'm $300 in the hole (and at least one of those controllers wouldn't have been mine :P). If I got PS2 controllers and a few USB adapters, I could simply tie the cables around a table leg or something to make it virtually impossible to surreptitiously steal the equipment intact -- you'd have to cut the cable to get the controller (and who steals PS2 controllers anyway? Yeesh :P) It might cost me some money, but I think it'd totally be worth it; and if I can find somewhere to do it, I'll fuckin' do it :P

...hopefully, this future girlfriend of mine is a bit kinky; that way, her mouth won't be the only place I could eat out :P

Nostalgia: Raping my Schedule

I spend far more time on my desktop than on my PS3; not just because my PC is more versatile and can actually be used for purposes more productive than mowing innocent civilians down in a taxi cab or taking control of a sack of burlap as he swings over hazardous gas, but because I can unleash the awesomeness that is: The Emulator. For those of you who have their heads stuck in the now, console emulation is, from a gamer's perspective, using one system (usually a PC) to play games developed for another system. With even today's average machine, you can be playing all your favourite classics, from right back when Atari ruled the console realm, all the way to the turn of the century playing the last games of the 5th console generation; basically, anything from the ol' 2600 and the arcade legends of the 1970s right up to the last games released for the Nintendo 64 and the original PlayStation. PS2 and Wii emulation is also in its early stages, but you'll need a damned good PC for that kind of emulation :P

It's amazing to go back and see what gaming has evolved from. Playing the first Super Mario Bros. is just as much a terrific experience as it is a frustrating one; 3 lives? Are you shitting me? Since when did I have a limited amount of retries? And Contra... holy shit! Talk about hard! The slow bullets and one hit deaths coupled with that rectangular prism of a controller must have made for some run-and-gun-and-get-your-hands-sore memories :P Of course, it's not just the games and the hardware made things difficult, as back then, you had no "Google" or "GameFAQs" to go to if you needed help getting past that crazy puzzle or that final boss fight. In the 70s, 80s and early 90s, it was either print media, word of mouth, or pure perseverance and skill that got gamers through the tough times. And online multiplayer? You had to have real friends to get some competitive action going! Split-screen on a 13 inch CRT TV? My 32 inch LCD, my internet connection and I can only imagine. No wonder I see so many middle-aged nerds with glasses :P

Having said that, split-screen multiplayer on a screen big enough to split is one of the best experiences I've ever had as a gamer. I remember a while back taking my laptop chock full of emulators and games, 4 controllers and 3 friends in to our school's lecture theatre (with its awesome data projector) and playing Mario Kart 64 and Super Smash Bros. for hours on end. It's competition without all the unnecessary cursing and macho bullshit. No dumb motherfuckers with microphones telling you how much of a faggot you are, no hackers or trolls, just people you know to be good people playing a game you know to be a good game. You can ignore the 90s era graphics and lack of modern features when you're, you know... having a ton of fun :P It's that whole "pick up and play" environment that's brings it home for me. Battle Mode in Mario Kart 64 with 4 people is tricky business ever for the most experienced player; those green shells are (quite literally) a pain in the arse to avoid :P Mario Party is another awesome game for non-gamers; even if they aren't winning, they can still laugh at the humping-eqsue animation when someone wins Tug of War (look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about :P)

My favourite retro data package has to be Perfect Dark; think GoldenEye 007, but in the future, and with bots in multiplayer. It is some fun shit! Get this: you have to find weapons. You actually have to look for a weapon! How long has it been since you've done that? And you have a HUD that stays on the screen! Sure, it's a little blocky, but I can actually see how much ammunition I have without having to fire the damn gun for the information to pop up! None of that "red screen" crap either. Rather, we have what I like to call a health bar. It tells you exactly how much health your character has rather than how much blood is in their eyes. The amount of health they have doesn't magically go back up if you avoid damage for a few seconds either. Gunshot wounds don't just magically go away, kids. Try to remember that when you shoot up your school because of your own inability to deal with anxiety issues. Your pal isn't going to disappear 10 seconds after you blow his head off, appear somewhere else in the school and invite you to a movie. He's fuckin' dead.

Don't get me wrong, though. I love some of the modern conveniences we all take for granted. To me, infinite lives are just common sense; my house is not an arcade, my console does not survive on change, and there are ways to test my skill that don't involve taking me all the way back to the start of the game because of a few slip-ups. But, sometimes, the classics can provide you with something a modern game simply doesn't. It depends on the game and the player, I suppose. Take Crash Bandicoot, for example: that series has gone to shit from a critical perspective ever since Naughty Dog sold the rights. If you want to have fun as Crash and Coco, you're gonna have to go back to the mid-to-late 90s  and play the original trilogy. A simple premise combined with simple platforming and a simple rewards system; simply fun! Going through 'em without touching YouTube, GameFAQs or Google is an even more thrilling (albeit difficult) experience, because think about it: when was the last time you completed a game without any help?

Can't answer? Neither can I :P