Ideas: The Crazy, Albiet Reasonable Things You Wanna Do, and Therefore Should Do

"I got a lot of good ideas -- trouble is, most of 'em suck."

George Carlin

Do you sometimes have ideas that you think are really out there and perhaps even beyond realisation, but just might fuckin' work? I got a few... like not putting all your end-of-year exams at the end of the goddamned year! Maybe we'd like some space in there to... study! System wants me to do well? System can be reasonable for once, and maybe System will get what System wants! And what's up with testing me on shit I've already been tested on? That's what most end-of-year tests are: all-encompassing tests that examine you on everything you learned that year... do you even remember half the shit you learned this year? Well, I suppose you've managed to remember everything you've learned this year -- if you haven't remembered it, you haven't learned it :P  The thing is, I can't understand what the topic test was for if I'm just gonna get examined again on that very same topic in a few months time! If I really need that knowledge for anything I do in the future, I'll take in on myself to learn it in preparation, rather than getting it all back in my head for the sake of repeated analysis by the State.

I got a sorta messed up idea too; it's disgusting, but it's got potential! See, my eating habits are fucked up, and I mean fucked up. I have no allergies and no medical conditions to worry about; my habits are pure, 100% choice. If you think you've seen a fussy eater, you ain't seen shit, son :P  Ladies, would you go out with a guy who eats crackers and custard for dinner? Methinks not :P  This idea would need me a stroke of luck to find a more-than-willing participant, but it would eliminate the need for me to ask that question ever again. First, I'd have to meet a girl whose answer to that question is something along the lines of "of course!" or "why not?" The problem is that any girl would change their answer to that question pretty quickly upon experiencing my eating habits and the self-imposed restrictions that come with them. This is where the second part comes in: I call it "The Transitional Stage." Basically, we get the relationship to a point where we're happy to make out ("lips and tongue" is one of my all-time favourite dishes :P). At this point, I tell her my idea in full. What happens is: she gets something to eat that I haven't tried before, she takes a bite, chews it up a bit... then we let our tongues dance together for a good ten, maybe fifteen seconds, at least until a good portion of the food is in my mouth, so I can taste it! It's win-win: she gets a boyfriend who isn't a total pain in the arse to go out with, and I get to make out! How isn't this an awesome idea!?

In all seriousness though, I actually have an idea I'd like to see brought to life; and I've already got pretty much everything I need. You know how at the mall, and in other public places, you've got kids walking around with iPods, DS's, PSP's, mobile phones; all that shit? I'm old school; I need me some split-screen action! Here's what I want to do: I have a small 21" (~50cm) LCD TV that will fit in a bag, an old laptop with a bunch of emulators on it (NES, SNES, N64, PS1, etc), and two PS3 controllers that will work on the laptop with special drivers. I take the TV and the laptop in to a public place (most likely a mall), set the TV and laptop up near a power-point (and out of people's way), get friend(s) to donate another two controllers, and set up a small 4-player retro rig for anyone who wants to join in! If you saw Mario Kart 64 and a spare controller at the mall, wouldn't you stop by and play a bit? And how awesome would some Goldeneye be!? It'd be a blast! We might get kicked out, but so long as we're not too loud, and we keep out of people's way, what's the fuckin' problem with this? Stealing their power, am I? This equipment wouldn't suck up anymore than $1 worth of juice in the space of an hour, if that. I'll chuck 'em a coin and tell 'em to lighten up :P

Security is a bit of an issue, although not so much with the TV and laptop, as they're both heaps of shit that only serve to get the job done, not to mention their weight -- you'd be better off robbing one of the surrounding department stores :P  It's the PS3 controllers I'm worried about, as they don't have the cable attached at the controller end. Someone could simply yank the micro-USB out and run off with $100 worth of equipment; three people do that, and I'm $300 in the hole (and at least one of those controllers wouldn't have been mine :P). If I got PS2 controllers and a few USB adapters, I could simply tie the cables around a table leg or something to make it virtually impossible to surreptitiously steal the equipment intact -- you'd have to cut the cable to get the controller (and who steals PS2 controllers anyway? Yeesh :P) It might cost me some money, but I think it'd totally be worth it; and if I can find somewhere to do it, I'll fuckin' do it :P

...hopefully, this future girlfriend of mine is a bit kinky; that way, her mouth won't be the only place I could eat out :P

Chatty: The Trait That Makes This Shit a Lot Fucking Easier

I'm not well known for getting shit done; I stall, overthink and procrastinate until all hours over those tasks I find daunting. Sometimes, however, time is stretched thin simply because of the situation at hand, and with only 1 more encounter between my fancy and I for me to look forward to, "stretched thin" is quite the understatement. The "make or break" moment draws ever closer, and although much has been made in the name of progress, a lot more needs to be made in the name of "hurry the fuck up!" Expletives aside though, I'm a lot closer than when all this madness started -- no contact details yet, no no no... but conversation? Yes yes yes :P

The first instance almost caught me off guard. It was one if those opportunities you don't see coming, but those are the most fun because you have no idea what's gonna happen; the adrenaline goes off the charts and you're bouncing off the wall. I find it hard to believe I try to avoid doing things that would make me feel this way, even though I love the feeling and sometimes even crave it. I arrived at the meet unable to see anyone else from the group, so I keep walking to see a lone, curvy figure... guess who :P "Where the hell is everyone else- WHO CARES? How come she's the only one here- NOT IMPORTANT! I wonder if anything's happened- STOP THINKING AND SAY HELLO!" When you boil down to it, sometimes being louder does make your point more valid; it does in my head at the very least :P So, off I go, balls to the wall and heartbeat to the max, and that all important celestial introduction makes it's way from my vocabulary to my vocal cords, promptly passing through my dry lips up to her receptors unawares... "...hi!"

Then the real fun starts :P

As the message makes it's way through her brain, there comes that smile one can't quite escape, and the reply is urgently anticipated. "Oh! Good morning!" she said, quick to realise that it was actually 5 in the friggin' afternoon :P -- I'd have pointed it out, but her quick and adorable "Oops! Good afternoon, I meant." relieved me of such pressure. She was using her phone (hopefully not texting her boyfriend! O.O) so I moved along and took a seat. She came up and took a seat nearby, proceeding to talk about the previous week's session. This is the great thing about this girl: she just talks! She talks and talks and talks! This trait might come back to bite me in the arse one day, but for now, it's a fucking Godsend. It's not like she is completely unable to shut up; she just naturally has more to say, irrespective of the subject at hand. There's never an awkward silence -- if I ain't sayin' somethin', she takes care of everything! It may make it hard for me to get a word in, but at this point, anything's better than nothing :P  After 3 to 4 minutes of bliss (felt like 3-4 seconds :P) others started to show, and attention was impossible to hold, but the way that conversation flowed was just... just... :D

The next episode of chit-chat came about through a second strike of lightning I wasn't expecting. In a previous entry, I mentioned walking right past the girl as I was on my way to the meet -- not even someone as mentally inept as me is dumb enough to fuck this up twice :P  Funnily enough, I spotted her from a hundred metres back, out of breath as I ran to try to see if I'd catch up -- and by golly I did! :D -- so I was out of breath, quietly begging myself to "slow down, motherfucker... slow down, motherfucker... slow down... mother... fucker..." It was kinda creepy walking just a tad faster than her, without her noticing me until I was by her side saying "hello!" It was like the sort of thing you'd see in a horror movie... I'd have blown my cover in a fit of laughter had the Jaws theme started playing on my iPod :P  Her reaction I'll never forget: "Oh my gosh! Hey! Oh my gosh!" she spieled as she took her earphones out to speak, as if she thought I'd been there for 30 seconds and was too engrossed in the music to realise; not to mention the fact that she seemed very excited to see me... see why I've been hanging on to this for so long? It's all the little things, and by God do they amount to something after such time :P It was the same situation -- me listening to her talking about the same things for the most part -- but once again, it's better than walking right past her in a puff of smoke :P

This is, however, drawing to a close however you look at it. At some point, I am going to have to get contact details (or use those I already found :P) to get something happening here. With only one more (hypothetically) guaranteed physical encounter, I am up shit creek without a paddle, and I don't know where you buy paddles from in this neighbourhood. What I've discussed here isn't even remotely courageous by any regular standard, so I'm going to have to do something actually ballsy if I want this to go anywhere: I'm either going to have to ask her for her email/number/MSN/Facebook (fuck that shit :P) to her face... or be a sneaky little devil and use the email I already have to slip in there and get a late start, hoping not to fuck with her head in the process :P

... I make this shit way harder than it  needs to be, huh :P

Women: The Hardest Topic You Never Study in School

NB: This entry (like every other on this blog) represents my thoughts at the time of writing. I know what's written here is harsh towards the end, but this was written a month after the described events happened, events I had gone through for the first time. Anyone expecting me to handle such a situation perfectly when I hadn't experienced it before is a thick cunt, as is anyone who assumes I'm too retarded to learn from my mistakes. If you're too ignorant to recognise context when you see it, stop reading this and go back to English class.

"Hard " doesn't even scratch the surface :P With the way men think, it just ain't gonna happen. We are never ever going to know how they work, why they do what they do, or why we like them so much even though we go through so many of them trying to find the right one for us, which isn't the most pleasant experience (or so I've heard :P) Today is "International Women's Day," or something like that; the title would mean more to me if I could make sense of this crap. Perhaps it's just my ignorant male mind speaking here, but why the fuck is there an International Women's Day? If women get one day, then men must get the rest of the year! That's hardly fair! It doesn't really push for that whole "equality" thing these activists strive towards. Of course, a feminist's view of equality could be that it is women's turn to be the powerful ones and that men should submit to women as women once did to men, but that's just hypocrisy. I couldn't give a shit about women's rights. Fuck women's rights. I don't think it's wrong for a man to hit a woman; I think it's wrong for anyone to hit anyone else. See that? That's equality. To focus solely on women's rights can easily be interpreted as a form of discrimination in itself; why should group X have different rights than group Y? The struggle for women's rights may strive to close that gap, but from another angle it perpetuates the clash even more.

On a different note, let's talk about women, politics aside :P It may surprise many of you that I had a girlfriend once. Shit, that was... a month ago! I think a month back from today was the day I actually broke up with her. For those of you who've been through that... I feel your pain. And I thought needles were bad :P A thousand of them going through your heart is significantly worse. For the naive folk among you who don't know what a break up consists of, let me take you through mine, step by step. Also, let me make it clear that this is a specific case study; it does not represent what every other woman would do to you in the same situation. Your mileage may vary.

Imagine that you have a girlfriend, and everything appears to be OK. You talk, you hug, you kiss; you share one another. You have those cute little things you do that make you the happiest you've ever been, and you think it's never going to end. Everyone in a while, you ask yourself "how long can this last?" but you never get around to finding an answer because you're enjoying it too much to care (and so you should be!) So, everything's fine, and then :O suddenly things are different! She makes your hugs quick and moves on as soon as she can let go. Kisses no longer occur. Talking is brief and to the point, way too much to the point. After a few days of this, you realise that things are clearly fucked up.

But, you don't know what's making things so fucked up! So, what does a man do? He investigates! He goes over everything he can remember doing, everything he can remember saying, everything that he thinks could even potentially be the cause of this entire fucked up scenario, but can draw no conclusions. You know why? Because he hasn't done ANYTHING fucked up! Your solo attempt has failed, so you move on to Plan B: Get Information from Someone Else. You're a logical guy, so, logically, "someone else" means "her." She won't say a word over the Internet, which means a weekend of unpleasantness for you as you go back to Plan A 20 times or so. It's a cruel irony: when you need someone the most, they want nothing to do with you.

Back seeing the person in the flesh the following Monday, she still does not approach you, so Plan C: Get Information from Someone Else who Isn't the Someone Else We Chose Earlier, comes in to play. A friend quickly debugs the entire situation and gives it to you straight: she just doesn't like you anymore. What the fuck does that mean? I hear you ask. ...I dunno. It means you're fucked, that's all I can gather. Regardless, you now speak to her personally, and here's how it pans out:

You: So, I heard that you don't like me as much anymore. Is this true?
Her: Yes.
You: Well, there's no point in continuing this if you don't feel the same way about me as I feel about you.
Her: Nope.
You: So, a simple question: is this the end?
Her: Yes.

... yeah. Talk about fuckin' cold. Ice cold. That is without a doubt the most disgusting, unsympathetic dialogue I've ever seen come out of someone's mouth in front of me. That made me so sick, I had to stay home the next day. I tried to throw up, to get it out of my system, but like my feelings for the old her (this was obviously some other cold hearted bitch who had killed my loving girlfriend and stolen her identity :P), it just wouldn't go away. Damn, she could have at least acknowledged the fact she just dumped someone and that he just might perhaps sorta kinda feel like dog shit! The dog shit that person has indeed been treated like.

But, as we all (or most of us, anyway :P) know, you move on. For me, the best way to move on is to find someone new, someone exciting, someone... better :P Once you find them, think about them. Think about them heaps! All the free time your brain has, let her take it up. Think about her talking, her running around, her naked; who cares!? Go nuts! That ex of yours moves out pretty damn fast after that :P Hey, face it: you're gonna have to do this a lot more times before you find that really special someone.

... wait. Did I just give romantic advice? One ex-girlfriend, and I'm Mr. Know-It-All? Shit... give me a sec...

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