Tension: Butter Knives Won't Cut It Because It Isn't Tangible

... do they have intangible butter knives? Where could I get one of those from? ...I suppose it doesn't matter whether I have one or not -- the tension is here to stay.

I have since seen my fancy for what is probably the last time. All the commotion is beginning to settle, the feelings are beginning to recede, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth doing this again when this is what's going to end up happening each and every time :P  Even the last day heralded signs of this whole thing being somewhat mutual, but the end of the day made it rather clear that the signs were just as I thought them to be: not signs. It's unusual going back and looking at all those little things she did...

"Surely, these things must have meant something!"

Nope.

"So... so all this just... happened?"

Uh-huh.

"Damn..."

The Tuesday began as they all have for the last few weeks: me getting off the train and running like a motherfucker in the hopes of catching up. The train arrived late, so I had to run the entire way; and I did! Slow down? What the fuck for!? I've got shit to do! At this point, the day is playing out like a poorly written, all but clichéd' romantic comedy :P  I ran, and I ran, and I ran... and I ran... and I... ran... and... I... ran... ... ...then I got there... ...to the place the meetings were held... "ah, shit! I've missed her! I must have ran past her again! God dammit!"

I sit down, catching my breath (it's weird how no one asked why I was breathing so heavily), and we all know who shows up five minutes later... from the other fucking direction! I came in from the east side; she came in from the west side! ... why!? I know which train station she gets off at! I walk past it on the way there, and that's the path she usually takes, so what's up with this tricky, ninja-like teleportation shit she's pulling here!? If I'd known, I just would have kept running! I don't give a fuck if I have to double back -- it's more than worth it! And an explanation, you think she'd ask for? I'd have just made one up -- who cares!?

"The main thing is that she's here. Things could be a lot worse, but they aren't, because she's here." They immediately wished her "happy birthday!", which I had to chime in for at the last second because I didn't know (I'm finding it harder each day justifying my decision to not use Facebook -- how else would they have known :P). She greets everyone with a friendly hug; and boy, was I looking forward to mine! She said nothing more than "hello, [name]!" with each hug, except mine (of course, mine just has to be different to make things more confusing), as she added on a "nice jacket!" with my greeting. I suppose it's just one more for the pile of things that can be easily misinterpreted as signs of something meaningful :P

Discussion was fruitful as I waited for the perfect moment to ask for her e-mail/phone number/whatever. "I'll take the first one I get! I don't care if these people figure everything out; I just want those details, dammit!" Unfortunately, she sat quite far from me (at the other end of the table >.< ) so I couldn't speak directly to her, or even move to sit next to her... poor girl didn't even have a seat! She was just kneeling at the table! I wanted to offer her a seat, but where she was, a seat wouldn't fit... she could have had my seat if she wanted! Hell, I'd be her seat :P  Seat or no seat, however, discussion continued; and my non-involvement in the conversation went against me as the subject matter turned to that which is ripe for disagreement: religion. See? I told you he was a motherfucker! I heard the word "evolution" come out of someone's mouth, and off they went.

I don't get it: there was not one person at that table who can prove the existence or non-existence of God, nor one who can explain fully how species have come to be! What the fuck were they arguing for!? No one side was going to sway the other, so what was the point!? We're writers, not scientists! Herp-a-derp indeed :P

After the meeting started, no hard feelings were felt, so all was well... but how was I supposed to talk to her now? She sat across from me, as if to taunt me with that oh-so-beautiful face I'll (probably) never lay eyes upon again, and the last meeting commences. Cake was brought by our mentors, but it had all kinds of things in it that turned me right off -- since when were poppy-seeds in cake!? Seriously! "Luckily" (I use the term lightly :P) my fancy just happened to have with her a box, inside of which was a lone muffin. Upon hearing of my lack of appeal for the cake: "Oh! Would you like this muffin instead?" ... does she even have to ask? Really? "Oh, sure! :D" It's chocolate, so I'm on that motherfucker like it's nobody's business :P  I'd have eaten it in one big mouthful, but, you know... still trying to make an impression here :P

The meeting goes on, and we near the end. We somehow get on to the topic of formatting the scripts, and I'm immediately mentioned because my formatting skills are super-duper-elite, apparently :P  The mentor goes so far as to ask me to explain how I format my scripts, and I do so, with my fancy being the only one to reply, with something along the lines of "really? So you just make a table in Word with two columns, and make the grid invisible? Genius." Genius? Genius!? What the hell was that!? What is she: the Queen of Hyperbole? Little Miss Exaggeration? It doesn't matter how you look at it though -- that was a clear cut compliment right there, man! There's no denying that one; no doubt about it. Unfortunately, it only served to confuse me further :P

Not long after, I was sent out to do an errand. Everyone else was saying their goodbyes, and I was taking one for the team; one I'd have rather not taken. As soon as I arrived back, they took a group photo (I am yet to receive it, and I want it; and we all know why :P), then she just... left! I saw her put on her bag and simply walk out the door! She said goodbye to no one -- not even me -- but she'd probably taken care of that whilst I was out of the room! Ain't fate a bitch :P  I thought all was lost... until someone realised she'd left her container behind! Her friend, however, was far quicker than I was to pick it up and run screaming her name down the hallway in her attempt to get it back to her... I should have snatched the fucking thing out of her hand and pushed her out of the way, but alas, I did not.

And thus ended (rather abruptly) the escapade.

I have since sent the girl an e-mail with the address I acquired months ago, simply asking if we could keep in touch -- I had no chance to ask there, so what the hell, right? Unfortunately, however, she is yet to respond (if ever :P). It could be the fact she doesn't check her e-mail often; it could be the fact she's on a trip and can't check her e-mail; it could be the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me :P Who knows? A few more days and I'll call the quits all together... perhaps :P  As much as I talk about the past, and what could of happened, my friend left me with a rather strong statement:

"It couldn't have happened any other way, because it happened, and you're still here."

Too true... too true...

If there's anything to take from this, it's as follows: do shit while you can still do it. Leave nothing for later, and hesitate no longer on those things you want so badly. You're going to have to take chances, but that's half the fun, so get in there and have some fun! You might have to prepare, and you might have to sacrifice, but it's all worth it in the end :)

Chatty: The Trait That Makes This Shit a Lot Fucking Easier

I'm not well known for getting shit done; I stall, overthink and procrastinate until all hours over those tasks I find daunting. Sometimes, however, time is stretched thin simply because of the situation at hand, and with only 1 more encounter between my fancy and I for me to look forward to, "stretched thin" is quite the understatement. The "make or break" moment draws ever closer, and although much has been made in the name of progress, a lot more needs to be made in the name of "hurry the fuck up!" Expletives aside though, I'm a lot closer than when all this madness started -- no contact details yet, no no no... but conversation? Yes yes yes :P

The first instance almost caught me off guard. It was one if those opportunities you don't see coming, but those are the most fun because you have no idea what's gonna happen; the adrenaline goes off the charts and you're bouncing off the wall. I find it hard to believe I try to avoid doing things that would make me feel this way, even though I love the feeling and sometimes even crave it. I arrived at the meet unable to see anyone else from the group, so I keep walking to see a lone, curvy figure... guess who :P "Where the hell is everyone else- WHO CARES? How come she's the only one here- NOT IMPORTANT! I wonder if anything's happened- STOP THINKING AND SAY HELLO!" When you boil down to it, sometimes being louder does make your point more valid; it does in my head at the very least :P So, off I go, balls to the wall and heartbeat to the max, and that all important celestial introduction makes it's way from my vocabulary to my vocal cords, promptly passing through my dry lips up to her receptors unawares... "...hi!"

Then the real fun starts :P

As the message makes it's way through her brain, there comes that smile one can't quite escape, and the reply is urgently anticipated. "Oh! Good morning!" she said, quick to realise that it was actually 5 in the friggin' afternoon :P -- I'd have pointed it out, but her quick and adorable "Oops! Good afternoon, I meant." relieved me of such pressure. She was using her phone (hopefully not texting her boyfriend! O.O) so I moved along and took a seat. She came up and took a seat nearby, proceeding to talk about the previous week's session. This is the great thing about this girl: she just talks! She talks and talks and talks! This trait might come back to bite me in the arse one day, but for now, it's a fucking Godsend. It's not like she is completely unable to shut up; she just naturally has more to say, irrespective of the subject at hand. There's never an awkward silence -- if I ain't sayin' somethin', she takes care of everything! It may make it hard for me to get a word in, but at this point, anything's better than nothing :P  After 3 to 4 minutes of bliss (felt like 3-4 seconds :P) others started to show, and attention was impossible to hold, but the way that conversation flowed was just... just... :D

The next episode of chit-chat came about through a second strike of lightning I wasn't expecting. In a previous entry, I mentioned walking right past the girl as I was on my way to the meet -- not even someone as mentally inept as me is dumb enough to fuck this up twice :P  Funnily enough, I spotted her from a hundred metres back, out of breath as I ran to try to see if I'd catch up -- and by golly I did! :D -- so I was out of breath, quietly begging myself to "slow down, motherfucker... slow down, motherfucker... slow down... mother... fucker..." It was kinda creepy walking just a tad faster than her, without her noticing me until I was by her side saying "hello!" It was like the sort of thing you'd see in a horror movie... I'd have blown my cover in a fit of laughter had the Jaws theme started playing on my iPod :P  Her reaction I'll never forget: "Oh my gosh! Hey! Oh my gosh!" she spieled as she took her earphones out to speak, as if she thought I'd been there for 30 seconds and was too engrossed in the music to realise; not to mention the fact that she seemed very excited to see me... see why I've been hanging on to this for so long? It's all the little things, and by God do they amount to something after such time :P It was the same situation -- me listening to her talking about the same things for the most part -- but once again, it's better than walking right past her in a puff of smoke :P

This is, however, drawing to a close however you look at it. At some point, I am going to have to get contact details (or use those I already found :P) to get something happening here. With only one more (hypothetically) guaranteed physical encounter, I am up shit creek without a paddle, and I don't know where you buy paddles from in this neighbourhood. What I've discussed here isn't even remotely courageous by any regular standard, so I'm going to have to do something actually ballsy if I want this to go anywhere: I'm either going to have to ask her for her email/number/MSN/Facebook (fuck that shit :P) to her face... or be a sneaky little devil and use the email I already have to slip in there and get a late start, hoping not to fuck with her head in the process :P

... I make this shit way harder than it  needs to be, huh :P

Nostalgia: Raping my Schedule

I spend far more time on my desktop than on my PS3; not just because my PC is more versatile and can actually be used for purposes more productive than mowing innocent civilians down in a taxi cab or taking control of a sack of burlap as he swings over hazardous gas, but because I can unleash the awesomeness that is: The Emulator. For those of you who have their heads stuck in the now, console emulation is, from a gamer's perspective, using one system (usually a PC) to play games developed for another system. With even today's average machine, you can be playing all your favourite classics, from right back when Atari ruled the console realm, all the way to the turn of the century playing the last games of the 5th console generation; basically, anything from the ol' 2600 and the arcade legends of the 1970s right up to the last games released for the Nintendo 64 and the original PlayStation. PS2 and Wii emulation is also in its early stages, but you'll need a damned good PC for that kind of emulation :P

It's amazing to go back and see what gaming has evolved from. Playing the first Super Mario Bros. is just as much a terrific experience as it is a frustrating one; 3 lives? Are you shitting me? Since when did I have a limited amount of retries? And Contra... holy shit! Talk about hard! The slow bullets and one hit deaths coupled with that rectangular prism of a controller must have made for some run-and-gun-and-get-your-hands-sore memories :P Of course, it's not just the games and the hardware made things difficult, as back then, you had no "Google" or "GameFAQs" to go to if you needed help getting past that crazy puzzle or that final boss fight. In the 70s, 80s and early 90s, it was either print media, word of mouth, or pure perseverance and skill that got gamers through the tough times. And online multiplayer? You had to have real friends to get some competitive action going! Split-screen on a 13 inch CRT TV? My 32 inch LCD, my internet connection and I can only imagine. No wonder I see so many middle-aged nerds with glasses :P

Having said that, split-screen multiplayer on a screen big enough to split is one of the best experiences I've ever had as a gamer. I remember a while back taking my laptop chock full of emulators and games, 4 controllers and 3 friends in to our school's lecture theatre (with its awesome data projector) and playing Mario Kart 64 and Super Smash Bros. for hours on end. It's competition without all the unnecessary cursing and macho bullshit. No dumb motherfuckers with microphones telling you how much of a faggot you are, no hackers or trolls, just people you know to be good people playing a game you know to be a good game. You can ignore the 90s era graphics and lack of modern features when you're, you know... having a ton of fun :P It's that whole "pick up and play" environment that's brings it home for me. Battle Mode in Mario Kart 64 with 4 people is tricky business ever for the most experienced player; those green shells are (quite literally) a pain in the arse to avoid :P Mario Party is another awesome game for non-gamers; even if they aren't winning, they can still laugh at the humping-eqsue animation when someone wins Tug of War (look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about :P)

My favourite retro data package has to be Perfect Dark; think GoldenEye 007, but in the future, and with bots in multiplayer. It is some fun shit! Get this: you have to find weapons. You actually have to look for a weapon! How long has it been since you've done that? And you have a HUD that stays on the screen! Sure, it's a little blocky, but I can actually see how much ammunition I have without having to fire the damn gun for the information to pop up! None of that "red screen" crap either. Rather, we have what I like to call a health bar. It tells you exactly how much health your character has rather than how much blood is in their eyes. The amount of health they have doesn't magically go back up if you avoid damage for a few seconds either. Gunshot wounds don't just magically go away, kids. Try to remember that when you shoot up your school because of your own inability to deal with anxiety issues. Your pal isn't going to disappear 10 seconds after you blow his head off, appear somewhere else in the school and invite you to a movie. He's fuckin' dead.

Don't get me wrong, though. I love some of the modern conveniences we all take for granted. To me, infinite lives are just common sense; my house is not an arcade, my console does not survive on change, and there are ways to test my skill that don't involve taking me all the way back to the start of the game because of a few slip-ups. But, sometimes, the classics can provide you with something a modern game simply doesn't. It depends on the game and the player, I suppose. Take Crash Bandicoot, for example: that series has gone to shit from a critical perspective ever since Naughty Dog sold the rights. If you want to have fun as Crash and Coco, you're gonna have to go back to the mid-to-late 90s  and play the original trilogy. A simple premise combined with simple platforming and a simple rewards system; simply fun! Going through 'em without touching YouTube, GameFAQs or Google is an even more thrilling (albeit difficult) experience, because think about it: when was the last time you completed a game without any help?

Can't answer? Neither can I :P