Self-Esteem: Stop Flicking That Goddamned Light Switch!

I recall in an earlier entry I wrote creating some wild metaphor where I described mood in terms of a fluorescent light, and how I had "severed the connection" so to speak, effectively disabling the bulb. I've successfully managed to solder the wires and get the bulb back up and running, but only to an intermittent extent. It's unusual how one minute I'm full of confidence, but the next leaves me lacking worth and cause... that can't be good :P  The first term that jumps to mind for most would be "bi-polar," and I'd be rather inclined to agree, but the second idea that comes in to play is that of seeking help... right :P  The only person who can help me right now doesn't even know who she is... nor do I know who she is :P  I have a fairly good idea who she is at the moment, sure, but I could be very very wrong (and it wouldn't be the first time.) My self-esteem has taken up bungee jumping, and if you've ever had one of your fluorescent lights just get up and decide to go bungee jumping, you'll know how dangerous (and hallucinogenic :P) such a situation is -- that bulb so much as taps that wall, and, without the rope even breaking, it shatters in to a million pieces... goodbye Mr. Bulb...

...there I go again :P  Metaphors: how do they work?

This pendulum-esque behaviour usually starts when I begin comparing myself to others. I'm a very judgmental person, both unto myself and everyone around me. If you've so much as been in my presence for more than a few seconds, or if you've said so much as a word to be, I've assessed you, top to bottom :P  It's a hobby that only retains its appeal with the possibility of someone I'm judging to be "worse" than I am, hence making me feel better about myself -- I use the term "worse" loosely because to call Person A "worse" than Person B is just fucking ignorant, seeing as people do not have a "quality value" attached to them for easy comparison (as everyone seems to think these days). Compared to people I find on the Internet, I'm an intelligent, talented and credible figure. With all the brain-dead motherfuckers out there in the digital realm, I can at times see myself as some kind of mystical deity; one of the few who somehow retained the ability to communicate on a level beyond that of the virtual commoner. When I return to the real world, however, things take a mighty turn mighty fast :P

My life in a sense more broad than the computer is nowhere near as appealing, and I'm sure many others would look down on my position considering my circumstances -- I am alone most of the time, with hardly a name or two I can attach to "friends;" I am without the desire to meet new people or enter new places; and I am without the eager nature to do things that have even the *potential* for catastrophe, unlike everyone else in my demographic who all seem otherwise impatient and careless. The people I know are always socialising and doing dangerous shit (at least what I consider dangerous :P) and it evidently makes them happy... so what the fuck is stopping me? Fear! I don't want to be killed in a car accident by some dope who can barely tell left from right when he's sober, not do I want to take control of any similar death machine! Fuck that! I've got things to do, and I don't need a car to do any of them! Thinking of myself in this way destroys all hope and all happiness, leaving me empty inside for a seemingly indefinite time. This is all intensified as my ex comes to mind, always ending with me pondering on my worth as a person and wondering why I should even try to socialise when it's evident I'm just not good with people.

As we hit the middle of the pendulum, now at near maximum velocity (yes; my metaphors obey the laws of physics :P), we approach light speed, and as everything is a dark blur, I begin to search for anything that reflects light. Usually, this is my fancy -- probably because she's fair-skinned and hence reflects lots of light :D -- but those questions of "what does she see in me?" come back to fuck with my head once more. The momentum this pendulum has, however, is incredible (it's fuckin' big, man!) and these questions fade; they aren't answered, but they aren't prevalent either. I just see her and all the things we could do together; I see us. I'm aware it could all be a big fantasy that may never come to be (I'm not mental or anything :P) but it brings that smile I once had right back to my face. It's been a bit harder recently having not seen her for nearly three weeks now, but the power is still there. Hopefully, if I do end up with her (or anyone else, for that matter) we can stop the pendulum somewhere on this side -- as I said, it's heavy, so you'd probably need two people to stop it.

I'm evidently not taking my own advice with the "stopping the metaphor" thing :P

The real kicker comes when I come back to what I've always had and what will always be there for me; what will never die: comedy. As a writer and a performer, I'm always comparing myself to others at both an amateur and professional level, and this is what I've been using lately to bring myself back up to par. In my country, there's a national stand-up competition called "Class Clowns." Last year, when I was only just starting to write comedy, I put together a five minute performance of all the good jokes I had and presented them in the local heat. Now, remember: it's stand-up; you're going up there alone, without backup and without a safety net. It's do or die, and I... sustained minor injuries :P  At the end they basically said "you were pretty nervous, so we're gonna give this to the other guy -- however, your material left his for dead."

My material left his for dead, did it? Of course it fuckin' did! The other guy just did a shit-ton of racial and sexual humour; I can write that with my fingers sewn together! Wit, wordplay, intellect and the power of suggestion always triumph, and with a year of writing and performance experience under my belt (not to mention the "balls of steel" I now carry with me at all times :P) I can get in there and kick some fuckin' ass! I've watched the winners of the last two years' competitions, and while they were damn funny, I can point out performance and writing flaws in each one with regards to both relevance, cleverness, audience appropriateness and intellect. They made fun of topical stuff and teenage stuff: Facebook, isolated incidents of violence covered by the media, and celebrities. That material ages fast, and if you don't keep it up to date, it may not even last from the local heat to the grand final. My piece, whilst it does cover some topical issues (it's always good to talk about recent activity -- makes you look like you're committed to your routine) the majority of it is all about the English language, religion and women; three issues that won't be going out of style any time soon. That, coupled with the metal testicles (bleugh :P) should get me pretty damn far, so long as I practice.

I might not win though... gotta keep in mind that I'm not the only one in the country with comic talent... can't get over confident; pride cometh before the fall, and all that... oh shit, no no. Please Mr. Pendulum, don't fall, DON'T FALL! GODDAMN IT! COME BACK HERE! COME BACK HEEEEEERRRrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeee... !

Children: There Is No Solution

I like to think of myself as a tolerant person. I want to think I'm the sorta guy that doesn't go off at someone for being different due to circumstances they have no control over. Children fall straight in to this category, no questions asked, but I always find myself referring to people even as old as 16 and 17 as children, in thinking and writing, and sometimes when speaking. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "we're all somebody's children, Ratchet!" No shit :P To look at it that way means that all actions are childish actions, all actors are child actors, children's television is aimed at everyone and to not have the mind of a child is to not have a mind at all. "Childhood" is a stage of human development, so for my purposes, let's define a child as someone going through that stage of development and leave it at that. Smart-arses :P

Even then, however, the issues surrounding how old one must be to bear the title of "child" and exactly where the borders for "childhood" are still stand. I think we can all agree that in this context, it's somewhere between being born and turning 18, but there are definitions that state childhood as being "somewhere between birth and puberty," as being "before maturity," among other things. It's a hard matter to define in such a concrete manner, which is why I always stall after I refer to myself as a child, because I'm on the brink of adulthood, yet automatically refer to myself as a "child." I can be such a condescending bastard to myself sometimes... I'm so cruel :P

Today, however, I want to talk about a particular group of children, for which I will define general age limits among other traits. Today, I want to talk about your typical 10-15 year old poorly raised, self-centered, arrogant prick; the type who thinks he'll get anything he asks for with his crackly voice or his depraved spelling, as he proceeds to molest his vocal cords or finger-rape a keyboard/keypad/anything other input device he can get his greasy mitts on. Yes, I'm talking about teenage boys; teenage girls are a whole other matter, and I think about them in a very, very different way never ever think about them at all in any way, shape or form. The undeveloped male mind is the focus here, as will be how much I motherfucking hate it.

Of course, I was, at one point in my life, hypothetically thinking the same way, and I suppose it's a phase all boys go through, but I can assure you that I never acted the way I see these people acting online... ever. I know that at one point, you just don't know this stuff, and you have to learn it, but I graduated from Grace School when I was fucking five. Are Western parents that busy complaining about their children that they can't teach them basic manners anymore? That must be where they get it from :P The behaviour is surprising as much as it is predictable.

First off, I look to Facebook, YouTube, and the social aspects of Xbox Live and the PlayStation Network to see just how fucked up one's concept of a "friend" can get. To me, a friend is someone I share things with; someone I enjoy being around; someone I've developed a relationship with. We call this relationship... friendship. To these fuckers, a friend is someone on your "Friends List." It isn't a list of your friends; it's a list of people who clicked "Yes" or "Add" or "Accept" or some other button when asked if they wanted to be added to a list! How does such an simple act constitute friendship? These people probably know fuck all about 80% of their so called friends. There are people with 300, 400, even 500 "friends" in these lists! 500 friends!? Bullshit! You probably don't even have 500 active brain cells, you little twerp! Shit, I can count the number of friends I have (digital or tangible :P) on my hands! You call it "lol u have no life xD" (loosely translated in this context as "unpopularity") whereas I call it the truth, one these people simply cannot accept.

The funny thing is that I have these same morons asking me to be their friends via the PSN. You know, those ridiculous messages you get sometimes: "hey lol it's me [whatever their YouTube ID is] from utube i saw ur vids and i want to be ur freind accept plz." Even if this person put a gun up against my skull after showing to me the process of loading it with real bullets, and cocking it, ready to fire, I still wouldn't add him to any friends or buddy list of any kind, not only because this person is clearly a fuckwit and not worth my time nor my attention, but because generally these children don't know how to load guns properly. Just because that's how they do it in CoD doesn't mean that's how you do it in a car before you run in to your school and "start the game" :P

It's when you turn them down (in as neutral a manner as possible, as to try and avoid this ridiculous discourse, pretending such a feat is possible :P) that the real fun starts. The homophobia is always first on the agenda: "whatevr u fagget." Rejecting a friend request and liking people of the same sex have nothing to do with each other. Do us all a favour and take your bigotry to the Grand Canyon so you can show it how many backflips you can do off the side. They also love to brag about how long their list of "friends" is: "lol whatevs i have 700 frends anyway so fuk u looser." Well, as I've clearly demonstrated, that means sweet fuck all in the grand scheme of things. If you want to compare arbitrary statistics, let us compare: I scored 3,000,000 points yesterday in a video game, and 3,000,000 is 4,286 times bigger than 700, so that makes me 4,286 times better than you. The "no life" one is always a hoot; "you have no life xD" The only people who have no life are either lying in a grave, resting in countless particles of ash, or have since decomposed; they give less than a fuck about what you have to say about their status as people. With retorts like these, you make us believe that you think you're God's gift to humanity, which you are not. If you were a gift, I'd take you back to the store and demand a goddamned refund... with that gun of yours.

It's amazing seeing just how far from correct these people can take a paragraph. Parents, I don't care whether it's the liquid type or the powdered type: keep your kids off the fucking coke! Maybe they'll stop typing so much then! also type properlee & stop stik-ing xD on teh end of ur sentences ur not funny lol thats my job lol im funny guy lmao see im funny rofl cuz my sentence never muthafukin OMG DONT SWEAR YOU ASSSSSHOLE ITS ROODE U FAG FUK U but yh lol i cant stop tying wurdssssss i ripped the dot keyy off lol dont kno wut its actulee calld cuz im to cul to kno things lol but LOL but i tuk it off & 8 it w/ my mouth and it tasted like plastik xDD lol cuz my keybored iz plastik so so LOL the key tasted like plastik and I ATE PLASTIK xDDDDDDDDD CHINS ARE FUNNY AND SO IS ALLCAPS I ATE MY CAPSLOCK JUST THEN AND AND GUESS WUT IT TASTED LIKE PLASTIK TO OMG OMG OMG i need a gf so bad ill treet u right lol IN BED xDDDDDDDDDDDDDD give me ur number and ill give u my dick in your pussy LOL its funny cuz its sex

oh & i hakked this blog its myne nao ratchet more like ratshit LOL
haxxxxxxoooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr