Grace: It Would Never Have Perished if It Weren't for You Meddling Kids!

"Children: can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em! Can't you see that!?" 

Robin Williams (or whoever he stole the material from >.>)

Truer words were never spoken. Ever. :P

I have never been a fan of anyone between the ages of 7 and 13 with access to the internet. The demographic carries with it the misfortune of being represented, at least in part, by verbally impotent, intellectually deficient loudmouths with no sign of respect and no thought to spare. I'm well aware of the fact that kids need to learn that it's polite not to be a total douchebag when talking to someone -- that's just part of growing up -- but doesn't that shit happen when they're, like, 5? 6, maybe? I know I was taught that shit way before I got my hands on a keyboard and mouse, and I was roughly the same age when internet access first came in to our house. Of course, everyone outside of the demo is slightly to blame, with kids being exposed to this and being led to believe it's a totally appropriate way to talk to someone you just met; but sometimes, you just know the kid's a total dick, and I've had one of those incidents recently.

Keep in mind that I used to be a pretty hot-headed person, and would go off at the first sight of idiocy or ignorance, irrespective of the guilty party's age. I soon realised that this was a rather extreme way to act, and while I still cringe and curse when I see people asking dumbarse questions in YouTube comments or personal messages that Google could answer in a godforsaken millisecond, the cursing is only heard by the walls in my house -- now, I simply tell them to "look it up" without going apeshit. There was this one kid this week who sent me 4 or 5 PM's on YouTube asking "where do you get [sticker]", "where do you get the tool bag for create mode", "where do you get the clank level i have the game of the year edition and i cant find it". It's not the absence of spelling or grammar that gets me; it's the fact that research skills are seemingly lacking in today's young. I doubt it was this bad before computers -- I betcha anything that kids back then weren't this empty up top. They knew: wanna know what a word means? Dictionary. Wanna know other words for that word? Thesaurus. Wanna know the capital of the Dominican Republic? Atlas. Wanna speed this shit up and get with the times? Google. That, however, is pretty excusable; what I'm about to recite is not :P

Somebody sent me a friend request on the PSN: "I want to be your friend" or something to that effect was in the message. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, I get those from time to time, but I don't add anyone on the PSN. I don't really care if he knew or not, and there's nothing to be angry about, so I just tell him what I tell everyone else who sends me a friend request on the PSN:

"I don't add anyone on the PSN, sorry."

That is word for word what I send as a reply to anyone who sends me a friend request and is nice enough to write something in the message space (empty friend requests are just sad -- at this point, the kid is in my good books). His reply:

"i'm ur fan and you say this to me"

...yes, I do say this to him, and to everyone else who sends me a request. I don't owe him anything -- I have fun making videos and getting some attention, he gets free entertainment. It's a more-than-reasonable exchange. No need to bring that shit up with him though; I'll just explain my response:

"i say this to everyone who wants to add me -- i can't add everyone who asks, and i don't have the time to play with you, so there's no point in me adding you"

Seriously: there isn't. I'm on rarely as it is, and when I am online, I opt to play alone more often than not. His reply:

"then why did you add luisbravo1?"

Perfectly reasonable question, deserving of an answer:

"that was years ago back when I wasn't busy, and it was to make a video with him"

His reply:

"please add me Bludgaboy i want a friend that is cool. just plz add me i'm begging u :("

...a-a-a-and here's where it all starts going downhill :P  This implies that any existing friends this kid has are, in his eyes, not cool. How rude is that, man!? Kids say shit like this all the time, but wow! Gotta end this quickly:

"why should i add you and no one else that asks? that's not fair. please just accept the fact"

This is part of my reasoning behind my decision not to add anyone, regardless of who they are: one stranger gets rejected because there's no point in me adding them, so does everyone else. If I pick and choose which random friend requests to accept and reject, it'll just serve to piss the rejected ones off. This way, it's nothing personal.

He left me alone for about a week, then sent me this cavalcade of irritation:

"Plz add me Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz"

For those of you too lazy to count: 32 instances of the abbreviation collaborated on that project. What does copy/pasting "plz" go to show (they wouldn't all be capital P's if he didn't copy/paste... or at least tried to cover his tracks :P)? It's just silly, right?

"you can beg all you like, it's only making you look immature"

Harsh, but true. His reply:

"its not fair to be friends with venemo X luisbravo1 and everyone else"

1st: I am not friends with "everyone else" -- way to exaggerate :P

2nd: How is it not fair to be friends with Persons A and B, and not Person C? Maybe I don't like Person C! I am under no obligation to be friends with everyone who talks to me! If this is true, then one of two things is true: either I have to be friends with everyone, or have no friends at all!

3rd: Much like Luis, I added VenemoX a while back, and we knew each other on YouTube ever farther back. We were actual friends, so I added him (or him me, whatever :P). I've said this before, and I'll say it again: someone you know being in a "friends list" does not mean they are your friend. Also, I'm not friends with Luis; more of an acquaintance. We never speak to each other; how does that constitute friendship?

Kids think a "friend" is just someone they know, and I'm not gonna fuck with the kid's head for the sake of a label correction, so once again, I just tried to get this over with once and for all:

"i added those people *years* ago, before i stopped adding people. i have hardly any other people on the PSN i'm friends with. please, *please* stop this, or i'll just block you"

A-a-a-and now, the moment you've all been waiting for:

"f*** u"

WOAH WOAH WOAH Woah woah! F*** me? F*** me!? Hot diggity damn -- someone's gonna f*** me! Come on, people -- if you're gonna get down and dirty with the English language, at least have the balls to say the word rather than letting a bunch of asterisks do the work for ya :P

"calm down, grow up, and get over it, dude. i wouldn't want someone so rude and immature in my friends list even if i *did* add people"

Note how I'm yet to crack? No need to: he already has :P

"shut up u fuckin ass hole ADD ME!"

No "f*** me"? Is that girl still up for it? I know I am... *drools*. Anyways, enough perversion. Apart from the fact that "ass hole" is one word and not two, do you notice anything else wrong with this message? Anything at all? I sorta noticed something, might not actually be something, but, um... see how he called me a "fuckin ass hole"... then, right next to that, he demands that I add him? Do you get that? I don't.

I don't add people because I don't want to be obliged to add every single person who asks; I also don't add people so I can avoid future contact with anyone like this :P

EDIT:

"i dont want to be in your vids i just want to add u"

-and I just want this kid to get the message, but it would appear no-one's getting what they want. I don't think there's any hope with this kid. Just send his resume to Taco Bell and get him the fuck away from the PlayStation :P

EDIT 2:

More kids sending me friend requests? Yes, more kids sending me friend requests.

Some other kid kept asking me to be his friend and sent me a friend request every time I rejected the previous one. Eventually, he asked me to give him DLC; all became crystal clear from that point onwards :P  Go buy your own DLC, stingy prick.

I had another kid send me a friend request just saying "add me", which I responded to in the same way I always do. Logged on this morning to find another "please please please please please" marathon. Kudos for using the full word rather than the contracted version, but it doesn't give you that much credit :P

Self-Esteem: Stop Flicking That Goddamned Light Switch!

I recall in an earlier entry I wrote creating some wild metaphor where I described mood in terms of a fluorescent light, and how I had "severed the connection" so to speak, effectively disabling the bulb. I've successfully managed to solder the wires and get the bulb back up and running, but only to an intermittent extent. It's unusual how one minute I'm full of confidence, but the next leaves me lacking worth and cause... that can't be good :P  The first term that jumps to mind for most would be "bi-polar," and I'd be rather inclined to agree, but the second idea that comes in to play is that of seeking help... right :P  The only person who can help me right now doesn't even know who she is... nor do I know who she is :P  I have a fairly good idea who she is at the moment, sure, but I could be very very wrong (and it wouldn't be the first time.) My self-esteem has taken up bungee jumping, and if you've ever had one of your fluorescent lights just get up and decide to go bungee jumping, you'll know how dangerous (and hallucinogenic :P) such a situation is -- that bulb so much as taps that wall, and, without the rope even breaking, it shatters in to a million pieces... goodbye Mr. Bulb...

...there I go again :P  Metaphors: how do they work?

This pendulum-esque behaviour usually starts when I begin comparing myself to others. I'm a very judgmental person, both unto myself and everyone around me. If you've so much as been in my presence for more than a few seconds, or if you've said so much as a word to be, I've assessed you, top to bottom :P  It's a hobby that only retains its appeal with the possibility of someone I'm judging to be "worse" than I am, hence making me feel better about myself -- I use the term "worse" loosely because to call Person A "worse" than Person B is just fucking ignorant, seeing as people do not have a "quality value" attached to them for easy comparison (as everyone seems to think these days). Compared to people I find on the Internet, I'm an intelligent, talented and credible figure. With all the brain-dead motherfuckers out there in the digital realm, I can at times see myself as some kind of mystical deity; one of the few who somehow retained the ability to communicate on a level beyond that of the virtual commoner. When I return to the real world, however, things take a mighty turn mighty fast :P

My life in a sense more broad than the computer is nowhere near as appealing, and I'm sure many others would look down on my position considering my circumstances -- I am alone most of the time, with hardly a name or two I can attach to "friends;" I am without the desire to meet new people or enter new places; and I am without the eager nature to do things that have even the *potential* for catastrophe, unlike everyone else in my demographic who all seem otherwise impatient and careless. The people I know are always socialising and doing dangerous shit (at least what I consider dangerous :P) and it evidently makes them happy... so what the fuck is stopping me? Fear! I don't want to be killed in a car accident by some dope who can barely tell left from right when he's sober, not do I want to take control of any similar death machine! Fuck that! I've got things to do, and I don't need a car to do any of them! Thinking of myself in this way destroys all hope and all happiness, leaving me empty inside for a seemingly indefinite time. This is all intensified as my ex comes to mind, always ending with me pondering on my worth as a person and wondering why I should even try to socialise when it's evident I'm just not good with people.

As we hit the middle of the pendulum, now at near maximum velocity (yes; my metaphors obey the laws of physics :P), we approach light speed, and as everything is a dark blur, I begin to search for anything that reflects light. Usually, this is my fancy -- probably because she's fair-skinned and hence reflects lots of light :D -- but those questions of "what does she see in me?" come back to fuck with my head once more. The momentum this pendulum has, however, is incredible (it's fuckin' big, man!) and these questions fade; they aren't answered, but they aren't prevalent either. I just see her and all the things we could do together; I see us. I'm aware it could all be a big fantasy that may never come to be (I'm not mental or anything :P) but it brings that smile I once had right back to my face. It's been a bit harder recently having not seen her for nearly three weeks now, but the power is still there. Hopefully, if I do end up with her (or anyone else, for that matter) we can stop the pendulum somewhere on this side -- as I said, it's heavy, so you'd probably need two people to stop it.

I'm evidently not taking my own advice with the "stopping the metaphor" thing :P

The real kicker comes when I come back to what I've always had and what will always be there for me; what will never die: comedy. As a writer and a performer, I'm always comparing myself to others at both an amateur and professional level, and this is what I've been using lately to bring myself back up to par. In my country, there's a national stand-up competition called "Class Clowns." Last year, when I was only just starting to write comedy, I put together a five minute performance of all the good jokes I had and presented them in the local heat. Now, remember: it's stand-up; you're going up there alone, without backup and without a safety net. It's do or die, and I... sustained minor injuries :P  At the end they basically said "you were pretty nervous, so we're gonna give this to the other guy -- however, your material left his for dead."

My material left his for dead, did it? Of course it fuckin' did! The other guy just did a shit-ton of racial and sexual humour; I can write that with my fingers sewn together! Wit, wordplay, intellect and the power of suggestion always triumph, and with a year of writing and performance experience under my belt (not to mention the "balls of steel" I now carry with me at all times :P) I can get in there and kick some fuckin' ass! I've watched the winners of the last two years' competitions, and while they were damn funny, I can point out performance and writing flaws in each one with regards to both relevance, cleverness, audience appropriateness and intellect. They made fun of topical stuff and teenage stuff: Facebook, isolated incidents of violence covered by the media, and celebrities. That material ages fast, and if you don't keep it up to date, it may not even last from the local heat to the grand final. My piece, whilst it does cover some topical issues (it's always good to talk about recent activity -- makes you look like you're committed to your routine) the majority of it is all about the English language, religion and women; three issues that won't be going out of style any time soon. That, coupled with the metal testicles (bleugh :P) should get me pretty damn far, so long as I practice.

I might not win though... gotta keep in mind that I'm not the only one in the country with comic talent... can't get over confident; pride cometh before the fall, and all that... oh shit, no no. Please Mr. Pendulum, don't fall, DON'T FALL! GODDAMN IT! COME BACK HERE! COME BACK HEEEEEERRRrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeee... !

Depression: It Isn't a Disease

As you readers may have acknowledged by deconstructing my previous entries, I am most certainly not the most content person to have his fingers touch a keyboard. It is natural for me to find fault with both myself and the rest of society, just as it is natural for me to wish to express my disdain. That in itself is a fault in my nature as a human being as far as I'm concerned. Shit, look at what's happening over in Japan: a fucking tsunami. 600+ already confirmed dead with 10,000+ missing, and I feel the need to bitch and moan, as if I'm going through hard times. The closest I've had to a natural disaster is a 40° day (Celsius, not Fahrenheit :P) and while it's by no means pleasant, it's also nothing compared to a wave towering 10 metres over your head, your house and your family. As destructive and devastating as such an event is, I always look to how natural disasters bring people together as we put differences aside and help one another. I find it strange that as negative a person as I may seem, I try to look on the positive side if at all possible. I am fully aware, however, of that fact that such a feat is easier said than done.

To put it bluntly, I am suffering depression, and I've realised that I've been feeling this way for a lot longer than I've perhaps fooled myself to believe. I'm not sure if there was a definite time or date when I began to think or feel this way, but in a very slow and progressive manner, cynicism and disgust have taken over my otherwise optimistic system. I could perhaps attribute this to my inherent admiration for George Carlin, for whom I have a great deal of respect as a person and from whom I've taken a great deal of inspiration as a comedian. I suppose it's the darker side of being exposed to a whole new way of thinking where you realise that you're just a speck in an ever expanding universe, and that everything around you has been set up to get you in and out as quickly as possible in a subvert attempt to minimise harm, that ironically does harm in a manner not many seem to be able to pick up on: it takes the spice out of life.

I find the best way to describe mood is to put it in terms of a fluorescent light. Good quality lights don't flicker much; they stay on most of the time, and illuminate rooms with relative ease. Some lights are a bit dodgy, and flicker a bit, but they're on for the fair majority of their run. Then there are lights that aren't so great; lights that never stop flickering. Sometimes they flicker really quickly in a manner more erratic than a hamster on methamphetamines, and other times they stay on for ages in a surprising instance of irradiated confidence. Sometimes, the power goes out, and even though it can stay out for a very, very long time, it comes back eventually. Sometimes, we decide to switch the light off, destroying its ability to shine, but leaving the possibility for further radiance contiguous. But sometimes, we go so far as to cut the wires; I'm in the process of soldering my previously tattered connection.

There are plenty of things that bring me joy to a level I can hardly contain: performing stand-up, improvising, multiplayer gaming, philosophical discussion, just to name a few, and these things have such value to me because they're rare occurrences. There are things that I've grown addicted to (namely watching improv and stand-up, as well as sleeping :P) that used to bring with them a far higher level of satisfaction that's been lost in their saturation; each instance of a repeated action has less of an effect on us as people, whatever that effect may be. In the most extreme cases, it takes the complete removal of an element from your life for you to realise its true worth; for me, that was my girlfriend.

We didn't split because I was taking her for granted; even though she dealt with the issue in an incredibly selfish manner, her reasoning of "I don't like you anymore," though harsh, is understandable and believable. Only when she was gone did I realise how happy she made me, and it was this that perhaps led me to cut my wires; I didn't think my bulb would get enough power, so I had to recover enough resources to allow the light to shine without having to worry about it suddenly going out. This metaphor is getting ahead of me :P

I find it to be a cruel irony how the things that make me happy are, for the most part, being with other people, whether it be performing with or for them, being leisurely with them, or even speaking with them, but feeling the way I do now leads me away from people rather than towards them. It's unusual how I deal with the same problem in different forms. For example, when I'm sick (as in, physically ill) I go to a doctor and get a prescription, actively seeking an artificial solution because I think I need it, leaving my natural immune system out of the question. Impatience and lack of faith takes hold, and I take the easy way out; we all do it. But, when I'm mentally deprived, I refuse such treatment, because I want as little dependency in this area as possible. I feel it's my responsibility to get myself out of such a predicament, but also acknowledge that this requires the efforts of others on my part.

I suppose my main fear is to become reliant on a counselor or therapist; yes, the profession exists for a reason and I can appreciate its worth to people with extremely poor mental health, but I'm just a bit blue, that's all! I don't need some fucker with a degree telling me how to think better; I need to find out myself so I can deal with problems as they arise without having to resort to "professional help." Dealing with these kinds of problems is something you learn through experience, and giving that experience to someone who's studied it for 3 to 4 years is a fucking waste. If you're on the verge of suicide or some other horrific or tragic fate, that's when you get help from the therapist. Otherwise, just get some buddies together and do something you love doing! No, it won't make all the pain go away, but it fucking helps!

Find something that makes you happy, and chase it. Listen to music, watch movies, go to the theatre, go out and party, have long winded discussions about cheese; the choice is yours, and in my case, the choice is to chase another girl. Have I found my next target? Yes, I have! Is this chase a permanent solution to my depression? Of course not! There is no such thing as a permanent solution; only temporary solutions, and you've just gotta find the one which lasts until the day you die, being careful not to abuse it and destroy its worth. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a good thing, because you need depression in your life; you just have to learn to harness and control it, and learn from it.

Remember: without bad times, there are no good times by comparison.