Grace: It Would Never Have Perished if It Weren't for You Meddling Kids!

"Children: can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em! Can't you see that!?" 

Robin Williams (or whoever he stole the material from >.>)

Truer words were never spoken. Ever. :P

I have never been a fan of anyone between the ages of 7 and 13 with access to the internet. The demographic carries with it the misfortune of being represented, at least in part, by verbally impotent, intellectually deficient loudmouths with no sign of respect and no thought to spare. I'm well aware of the fact that kids need to learn that it's polite not to be a total douchebag when talking to someone -- that's just part of growing up -- but doesn't that shit happen when they're, like, 5? 6, maybe? I know I was taught that shit way before I got my hands on a keyboard and mouse, and I was roughly the same age when internet access first came in to our house. Of course, everyone outside of the demo is slightly to blame, with kids being exposed to this and being led to believe it's a totally appropriate way to talk to someone you just met; but sometimes, you just know the kid's a total dick, and I've had one of those incidents recently.

Keep in mind that I used to be a pretty hot-headed person, and would go off at the first sight of idiocy or ignorance, irrespective of the guilty party's age. I soon realised that this was a rather extreme way to act, and while I still cringe and curse when I see people asking dumbarse questions in YouTube comments or personal messages that Google could answer in a godforsaken millisecond, the cursing is only heard by the walls in my house -- now, I simply tell them to "look it up" without going apeshit. There was this one kid this week who sent me 4 or 5 PM's on YouTube asking "where do you get [sticker]", "where do you get the tool bag for create mode", "where do you get the clank level i have the game of the year edition and i cant find it". It's not the absence of spelling or grammar that gets me; it's the fact that research skills are seemingly lacking in today's young. I doubt it was this bad before computers -- I betcha anything that kids back then weren't this empty up top. They knew: wanna know what a word means? Dictionary. Wanna know other words for that word? Thesaurus. Wanna know the capital of the Dominican Republic? Atlas. Wanna speed this shit up and get with the times? Google. That, however, is pretty excusable; what I'm about to recite is not :P

Somebody sent me a friend request on the PSN: "I want to be your friend" or something to that effect was in the message. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, I get those from time to time, but I don't add anyone on the PSN. I don't really care if he knew or not, and there's nothing to be angry about, so I just tell him what I tell everyone else who sends me a friend request on the PSN:

"I don't add anyone on the PSN, sorry."

That is word for word what I send as a reply to anyone who sends me a friend request and is nice enough to write something in the message space (empty friend requests are just sad -- at this point, the kid is in my good books). His reply:

"i'm ur fan and you say this to me"

...yes, I do say this to him, and to everyone else who sends me a request. I don't owe him anything -- I have fun making videos and getting some attention, he gets free entertainment. It's a more-than-reasonable exchange. No need to bring that shit up with him though; I'll just explain my response:

"i say this to everyone who wants to add me -- i can't add everyone who asks, and i don't have the time to play with you, so there's no point in me adding you"

Seriously: there isn't. I'm on rarely as it is, and when I am online, I opt to play alone more often than not. His reply:

"then why did you add luisbravo1?"

Perfectly reasonable question, deserving of an answer:

"that was years ago back when I wasn't busy, and it was to make a video with him"

His reply:

"please add me Bludgaboy i want a friend that is cool. just plz add me i'm begging u :("

...a-a-a-and here's where it all starts going downhill :P  This implies that any existing friends this kid has are, in his eyes, not cool. How rude is that, man!? Kids say shit like this all the time, but wow! Gotta end this quickly:

"why should i add you and no one else that asks? that's not fair. please just accept the fact"

This is part of my reasoning behind my decision not to add anyone, regardless of who they are: one stranger gets rejected because there's no point in me adding them, so does everyone else. If I pick and choose which random friend requests to accept and reject, it'll just serve to piss the rejected ones off. This way, it's nothing personal.

He left me alone for about a week, then sent me this cavalcade of irritation:

"Plz add me Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz"

For those of you too lazy to count: 32 instances of the abbreviation collaborated on that project. What does copy/pasting "plz" go to show (they wouldn't all be capital P's if he didn't copy/paste... or at least tried to cover his tracks :P)? It's just silly, right?

"you can beg all you like, it's only making you look immature"

Harsh, but true. His reply:

"its not fair to be friends with venemo X luisbravo1 and everyone else"

1st: I am not friends with "everyone else" -- way to exaggerate :P

2nd: How is it not fair to be friends with Persons A and B, and not Person C? Maybe I don't like Person C! I am under no obligation to be friends with everyone who talks to me! If this is true, then one of two things is true: either I have to be friends with everyone, or have no friends at all!

3rd: Much like Luis, I added VenemoX a while back, and we knew each other on YouTube ever farther back. We were actual friends, so I added him (or him me, whatever :P). I've said this before, and I'll say it again: someone you know being in a "friends list" does not mean they are your friend. Also, I'm not friends with Luis; more of an acquaintance. We never speak to each other; how does that constitute friendship?

Kids think a "friend" is just someone they know, and I'm not gonna fuck with the kid's head for the sake of a label correction, so once again, I just tried to get this over with once and for all:

"i added those people *years* ago, before i stopped adding people. i have hardly any other people on the PSN i'm friends with. please, *please* stop this, or i'll just block you"

A-a-a-and now, the moment you've all been waiting for:

"f*** u"

WOAH WOAH WOAH Woah woah! F*** me? F*** me!? Hot diggity damn -- someone's gonna f*** me! Come on, people -- if you're gonna get down and dirty with the English language, at least have the balls to say the word rather than letting a bunch of asterisks do the work for ya :P

"calm down, grow up, and get over it, dude. i wouldn't want someone so rude and immature in my friends list even if i *did* add people"

Note how I'm yet to crack? No need to: he already has :P

"shut up u fuckin ass hole ADD ME!"

No "f*** me"? Is that girl still up for it? I know I am... *drools*. Anyways, enough perversion. Apart from the fact that "ass hole" is one word and not two, do you notice anything else wrong with this message? Anything at all? I sorta noticed something, might not actually be something, but, um... see how he called me a "fuckin ass hole"... then, right next to that, he demands that I add him? Do you get that? I don't.

I don't add people because I don't want to be obliged to add every single person who asks; I also don't add people so I can avoid future contact with anyone like this :P

EDIT:

"i dont want to be in your vids i just want to add u"

-and I just want this kid to get the message, but it would appear no-one's getting what they want. I don't think there's any hope with this kid. Just send his resume to Taco Bell and get him the fuck away from the PlayStation :P

EDIT 2:

More kids sending me friend requests? Yes, more kids sending me friend requests.

Some other kid kept asking me to be his friend and sent me a friend request every time I rejected the previous one. Eventually, he asked me to give him DLC; all became crystal clear from that point onwards :P  Go buy your own DLC, stingy prick.

I had another kid send me a friend request just saying "add me", which I responded to in the same way I always do. Logged on this morning to find another "please please please please please" marathon. Kudos for using the full word rather than the contracted version, but it doesn't give you that much credit :P

Self-Esteem: Stop Flicking That Goddamned Light Switch!

I recall in an earlier entry I wrote creating some wild metaphor where I described mood in terms of a fluorescent light, and how I had "severed the connection" so to speak, effectively disabling the bulb. I've successfully managed to solder the wires and get the bulb back up and running, but only to an intermittent extent. It's unusual how one minute I'm full of confidence, but the next leaves me lacking worth and cause... that can't be good :P  The first term that jumps to mind for most would be "bi-polar," and I'd be rather inclined to agree, but the second idea that comes in to play is that of seeking help... right :P  The only person who can help me right now doesn't even know who she is... nor do I know who she is :P  I have a fairly good idea who she is at the moment, sure, but I could be very very wrong (and it wouldn't be the first time.) My self-esteem has taken up bungee jumping, and if you've ever had one of your fluorescent lights just get up and decide to go bungee jumping, you'll know how dangerous (and hallucinogenic :P) such a situation is -- that bulb so much as taps that wall, and, without the rope even breaking, it shatters in to a million pieces... goodbye Mr. Bulb...

...there I go again :P  Metaphors: how do they work?

This pendulum-esque behaviour usually starts when I begin comparing myself to others. I'm a very judgmental person, both unto myself and everyone around me. If you've so much as been in my presence for more than a few seconds, or if you've said so much as a word to be, I've assessed you, top to bottom :P  It's a hobby that only retains its appeal with the possibility of someone I'm judging to be "worse" than I am, hence making me feel better about myself -- I use the term "worse" loosely because to call Person A "worse" than Person B is just fucking ignorant, seeing as people do not have a "quality value" attached to them for easy comparison (as everyone seems to think these days). Compared to people I find on the Internet, I'm an intelligent, talented and credible figure. With all the brain-dead motherfuckers out there in the digital realm, I can at times see myself as some kind of mystical deity; one of the few who somehow retained the ability to communicate on a level beyond that of the virtual commoner. When I return to the real world, however, things take a mighty turn mighty fast :P

My life in a sense more broad than the computer is nowhere near as appealing, and I'm sure many others would look down on my position considering my circumstances -- I am alone most of the time, with hardly a name or two I can attach to "friends;" I am without the desire to meet new people or enter new places; and I am without the eager nature to do things that have even the *potential* for catastrophe, unlike everyone else in my demographic who all seem otherwise impatient and careless. The people I know are always socialising and doing dangerous shit (at least what I consider dangerous :P) and it evidently makes them happy... so what the fuck is stopping me? Fear! I don't want to be killed in a car accident by some dope who can barely tell left from right when he's sober, not do I want to take control of any similar death machine! Fuck that! I've got things to do, and I don't need a car to do any of them! Thinking of myself in this way destroys all hope and all happiness, leaving me empty inside for a seemingly indefinite time. This is all intensified as my ex comes to mind, always ending with me pondering on my worth as a person and wondering why I should even try to socialise when it's evident I'm just not good with people.

As we hit the middle of the pendulum, now at near maximum velocity (yes; my metaphors obey the laws of physics :P), we approach light speed, and as everything is a dark blur, I begin to search for anything that reflects light. Usually, this is my fancy -- probably because she's fair-skinned and hence reflects lots of light :D -- but those questions of "what does she see in me?" come back to fuck with my head once more. The momentum this pendulum has, however, is incredible (it's fuckin' big, man!) and these questions fade; they aren't answered, but they aren't prevalent either. I just see her and all the things we could do together; I see us. I'm aware it could all be a big fantasy that may never come to be (I'm not mental or anything :P) but it brings that smile I once had right back to my face. It's been a bit harder recently having not seen her for nearly three weeks now, but the power is still there. Hopefully, if I do end up with her (or anyone else, for that matter) we can stop the pendulum somewhere on this side -- as I said, it's heavy, so you'd probably need two people to stop it.

I'm evidently not taking my own advice with the "stopping the metaphor" thing :P

The real kicker comes when I come back to what I've always had and what will always be there for me; what will never die: comedy. As a writer and a performer, I'm always comparing myself to others at both an amateur and professional level, and this is what I've been using lately to bring myself back up to par. In my country, there's a national stand-up competition called "Class Clowns." Last year, when I was only just starting to write comedy, I put together a five minute performance of all the good jokes I had and presented them in the local heat. Now, remember: it's stand-up; you're going up there alone, without backup and without a safety net. It's do or die, and I... sustained minor injuries :P  At the end they basically said "you were pretty nervous, so we're gonna give this to the other guy -- however, your material left his for dead."

My material left his for dead, did it? Of course it fuckin' did! The other guy just did a shit-ton of racial and sexual humour; I can write that with my fingers sewn together! Wit, wordplay, intellect and the power of suggestion always triumph, and with a year of writing and performance experience under my belt (not to mention the "balls of steel" I now carry with me at all times :P) I can get in there and kick some fuckin' ass! I've watched the winners of the last two years' competitions, and while they were damn funny, I can point out performance and writing flaws in each one with regards to both relevance, cleverness, audience appropriateness and intellect. They made fun of topical stuff and teenage stuff: Facebook, isolated incidents of violence covered by the media, and celebrities. That material ages fast, and if you don't keep it up to date, it may not even last from the local heat to the grand final. My piece, whilst it does cover some topical issues (it's always good to talk about recent activity -- makes you look like you're committed to your routine) the majority of it is all about the English language, religion and women; three issues that won't be going out of style any time soon. That, coupled with the metal testicles (bleugh :P) should get me pretty damn far, so long as I practice.

I might not win though... gotta keep in mind that I'm not the only one in the country with comic talent... can't get over confident; pride cometh before the fall, and all that... oh shit, no no. Please Mr. Pendulum, don't fall, DON'T FALL! GODDAMN IT! COME BACK HERE! COME BACK HEEEEEERRRrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeee... !

Children: There Is No Solution

I like to think of myself as a tolerant person. I want to think I'm the sorta guy that doesn't go off at someone for being different due to circumstances they have no control over. Children fall straight in to this category, no questions asked, but I always find myself referring to people even as old as 16 and 17 as children, in thinking and writing, and sometimes when speaking. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "we're all somebody's children, Ratchet!" No shit :P To look at it that way means that all actions are childish actions, all actors are child actors, children's television is aimed at everyone and to not have the mind of a child is to not have a mind at all. "Childhood" is a stage of human development, so for my purposes, let's define a child as someone going through that stage of development and leave it at that. Smart-arses :P

Even then, however, the issues surrounding how old one must be to bear the title of "child" and exactly where the borders for "childhood" are still stand. I think we can all agree that in this context, it's somewhere between being born and turning 18, but there are definitions that state childhood as being "somewhere between birth and puberty," as being "before maturity," among other things. It's a hard matter to define in such a concrete manner, which is why I always stall after I refer to myself as a child, because I'm on the brink of adulthood, yet automatically refer to myself as a "child." I can be such a condescending bastard to myself sometimes... I'm so cruel :P

Today, however, I want to talk about a particular group of children, for which I will define general age limits among other traits. Today, I want to talk about your typical 10-15 year old poorly raised, self-centered, arrogant prick; the type who thinks he'll get anything he asks for with his crackly voice or his depraved spelling, as he proceeds to molest his vocal cords or finger-rape a keyboard/keypad/anything other input device he can get his greasy mitts on. Yes, I'm talking about teenage boys; teenage girls are a whole other matter, and I think about them in a very, very different way never ever think about them at all in any way, shape or form. The undeveloped male mind is the focus here, as will be how much I motherfucking hate it.

Of course, I was, at one point in my life, hypothetically thinking the same way, and I suppose it's a phase all boys go through, but I can assure you that I never acted the way I see these people acting online... ever. I know that at one point, you just don't know this stuff, and you have to learn it, but I graduated from Grace School when I was fucking five. Are Western parents that busy complaining about their children that they can't teach them basic manners anymore? That must be where they get it from :P The behaviour is surprising as much as it is predictable.

First off, I look to Facebook, YouTube, and the social aspects of Xbox Live and the PlayStation Network to see just how fucked up one's concept of a "friend" can get. To me, a friend is someone I share things with; someone I enjoy being around; someone I've developed a relationship with. We call this relationship... friendship. To these fuckers, a friend is someone on your "Friends List." It isn't a list of your friends; it's a list of people who clicked "Yes" or "Add" or "Accept" or some other button when asked if they wanted to be added to a list! How does such an simple act constitute friendship? These people probably know fuck all about 80% of their so called friends. There are people with 300, 400, even 500 "friends" in these lists! 500 friends!? Bullshit! You probably don't even have 500 active brain cells, you little twerp! Shit, I can count the number of friends I have (digital or tangible :P) on my hands! You call it "lol u have no life xD" (loosely translated in this context as "unpopularity") whereas I call it the truth, one these people simply cannot accept.

The funny thing is that I have these same morons asking me to be their friends via the PSN. You know, those ridiculous messages you get sometimes: "hey lol it's me [whatever their YouTube ID is] from utube i saw ur vids and i want to be ur freind accept plz." Even if this person put a gun up against my skull after showing to me the process of loading it with real bullets, and cocking it, ready to fire, I still wouldn't add him to any friends or buddy list of any kind, not only because this person is clearly a fuckwit and not worth my time nor my attention, but because generally these children don't know how to load guns properly. Just because that's how they do it in CoD doesn't mean that's how you do it in a car before you run in to your school and "start the game" :P

It's when you turn them down (in as neutral a manner as possible, as to try and avoid this ridiculous discourse, pretending such a feat is possible :P) that the real fun starts. The homophobia is always first on the agenda: "whatevr u fagget." Rejecting a friend request and liking people of the same sex have nothing to do with each other. Do us all a favour and take your bigotry to the Grand Canyon so you can show it how many backflips you can do off the side. They also love to brag about how long their list of "friends" is: "lol whatevs i have 700 frends anyway so fuk u looser." Well, as I've clearly demonstrated, that means sweet fuck all in the grand scheme of things. If you want to compare arbitrary statistics, let us compare: I scored 3,000,000 points yesterday in a video game, and 3,000,000 is 4,286 times bigger than 700, so that makes me 4,286 times better than you. The "no life" one is always a hoot; "you have no life xD" The only people who have no life are either lying in a grave, resting in countless particles of ash, or have since decomposed; they give less than a fuck about what you have to say about their status as people. With retorts like these, you make us believe that you think you're God's gift to humanity, which you are not. If you were a gift, I'd take you back to the store and demand a goddamned refund... with that gun of yours.

It's amazing seeing just how far from correct these people can take a paragraph. Parents, I don't care whether it's the liquid type or the powdered type: keep your kids off the fucking coke! Maybe they'll stop typing so much then! also type properlee & stop stik-ing xD on teh end of ur sentences ur not funny lol thats my job lol im funny guy lmao see im funny rofl cuz my sentence never muthafukin OMG DONT SWEAR YOU ASSSSSHOLE ITS ROODE U FAG FUK U but yh lol i cant stop tying wurdssssss i ripped the dot keyy off lol dont kno wut its actulee calld cuz im to cul to kno things lol but LOL but i tuk it off & 8 it w/ my mouth and it tasted like plastik xDD lol cuz my keybored iz plastik so so LOL the key tasted like plastik and I ATE PLASTIK xDDDDDDDDD CHINS ARE FUNNY AND SO IS ALLCAPS I ATE MY CAPSLOCK JUST THEN AND AND GUESS WUT IT TASTED LIKE PLASTIK TO OMG OMG OMG i need a gf so bad ill treet u right lol IN BED xDDDDDDDDDDDDDD give me ur number and ill give u my dick in your pussy LOL its funny cuz its sex

oh & i hakked this blog its myne nao ratchet more like ratshit LOL
haxxxxxxoooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Internet Shorthand: moar thought w/ comment plz? :)

The Internet has, unsurprisingly, developed its own language. What's come about as a result of 10 to 15 years of rapid digital Westernisation and unrivaled physical ineptitude appears to be a very malformed and broken version of English, with a whole tonne of jargon thrown in for good exclusionary measure. Many of the terms we use are text-based alternatives to expressions we can not convey normally through digital means: LOL, ROFL, LMAO and all those emoticons are just a few examples that jump to mind, and this is perfectly understandable, if not extremely beneficial, to us as people. Language itself is a tool that provides a common knowledge base with regards to communications for all to use. It gives us all the same idea of what certain terms mean according to how they are used, and the context of the situation provides one with meaning pertaining to the situation.

This is where the formalities end.

Of all the terms, expressions, pictures and other means of communication we digital residents use on a day-to-day basis, one stands out for me as being the single worst permutation of letters I've yet seen arranged on paper or panels: "plz." Shorthand for "please," the adverb that you stick in to those sentences where you're asking someone for something and want to be polite, as to acknowledge the fact that you are asking this person to sacrifice their own resources for your own gain. If you don't know what the concept of politeness is, please look it up in your nearest dictionary. Even if you're slightly unsure of what I'm on about here, look it up. You will be doing everyone around you a big fucking favour, and learning things is fun!

Let's look at my context for a moment: I've published many a video in my 2 years as a content producer. Some of these videos have been tutorials that aim to assist the viewer in something they would otherwise not be able to themselves, and all of them have been provided 100% free of surplus charge to said viewer. This is why it boggles my mind when some ungrateful cunt comes along and asks me to help them in-game, right before sticking "plz" and their PSN ID on the end of their already malformed "sentence."

The act of asking alone demonstrates an extreme lack of gratitude; I just showed you how to do it! Step by step! Hell, I even talked you through it. Yes, perhaps the video didn't help you as much as I'd hoped, and that's a shame, but the other people saying "Thanks!" and "Great video!" beg to differ as to the video's usefulness. Irrespective of that, I've spent hours putting these videos together, so just why the fuck should I drop everything and schedule to help you do something that everyone else seems to be able to do themselves without any trouble?

Sticking "plz" on the end just tells me you can't even be bothered to type "P" then "L," followed by "E" and "A," right before hitting "S" and returning once more to the "E" to perform the arduous task of typing a 6 letter word. If we were all using mobile phone keypads to communicate over these here interwebs, I wouldn't see this as a reflection of laziness, because I can at least reason with the justification of using shorthand under those circumstances, but face it: most of you fuckers are using keyboards, so feel free to use all the keys. And take a lesson in grace from Jon Graham: "plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" is just as bad, if not worse, than the "root" form "plz." Its use doesn't demonstrate impoliteness as much as it demonstrates stupidity; the time you spent holding down the "Z" key could have been used pressing the OTHER FUCKING KEYS!

I couldn't give a shit how you speak to your chums and pals, but when you're speaking to someone you don't know and asking them for something, whatever it may be, a little grace goes a long goddamn way. When you fuckers apply for a job, don't be surprised when you get a rejection letter,  packaged, to your surprise, with a tattered shred of paper from your resume; you know, the part where you said "I can has job plz?" I'm sure you'll be :( maybe even :'( but maybe you'll learn something. I know it's been a while, but don't fret; it's a good feeling, I assure you.

I can't remember where I read this, but as a quotation, it sums everything up nicely:

"If you type 'plz' instead of 'please' because it's shorter, I'll type 'no' instead of 'yes' because it's shorter."