Tension: Butter Knives Won't Cut It Because It Isn't Tangible

... do they have intangible butter knives? Where could I get one of those from? ...I suppose it doesn't matter whether I have one or not -- the tension is here to stay.

I have since seen my fancy for what is probably the last time. All the commotion is beginning to settle, the feelings are beginning to recede, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth doing this again when this is what's going to end up happening each and every time :P  Even the last day heralded signs of this whole thing being somewhat mutual, but the end of the day made it rather clear that the signs were just as I thought them to be: not signs. It's unusual going back and looking at all those little things she did...

"Surely, these things must have meant something!"

Nope.

"So... so all this just... happened?"

Uh-huh.

"Damn..."

The Tuesday began as they all have for the last few weeks: me getting off the train and running like a motherfucker in the hopes of catching up. The train arrived late, so I had to run the entire way; and I did! Slow down? What the fuck for!? I've got shit to do! At this point, the day is playing out like a poorly written, all but clichéd' romantic comedy :P  I ran, and I ran, and I ran... and I ran... and I... ran... and... I... ran... ... ...then I got there... ...to the place the meetings were held... "ah, shit! I've missed her! I must have ran past her again! God dammit!"

I sit down, catching my breath (it's weird how no one asked why I was breathing so heavily), and we all know who shows up five minutes later... from the other fucking direction! I came in from the east side; she came in from the west side! ... why!? I know which train station she gets off at! I walk past it on the way there, and that's the path she usually takes, so what's up with this tricky, ninja-like teleportation shit she's pulling here!? If I'd known, I just would have kept running! I don't give a fuck if I have to double back -- it's more than worth it! And an explanation, you think she'd ask for? I'd have just made one up -- who cares!?

"The main thing is that she's here. Things could be a lot worse, but they aren't, because she's here." They immediately wished her "happy birthday!", which I had to chime in for at the last second because I didn't know (I'm finding it harder each day justifying my decision to not use Facebook -- how else would they have known :P). She greets everyone with a friendly hug; and boy, was I looking forward to mine! She said nothing more than "hello, [name]!" with each hug, except mine (of course, mine just has to be different to make things more confusing), as she added on a "nice jacket!" with my greeting. I suppose it's just one more for the pile of things that can be easily misinterpreted as signs of something meaningful :P

Discussion was fruitful as I waited for the perfect moment to ask for her e-mail/phone number/whatever. "I'll take the first one I get! I don't care if these people figure everything out; I just want those details, dammit!" Unfortunately, she sat quite far from me (at the other end of the table >.< ) so I couldn't speak directly to her, or even move to sit next to her... poor girl didn't even have a seat! She was just kneeling at the table! I wanted to offer her a seat, but where she was, a seat wouldn't fit... she could have had my seat if she wanted! Hell, I'd be her seat :P  Seat or no seat, however, discussion continued; and my non-involvement in the conversation went against me as the subject matter turned to that which is ripe for disagreement: religion. See? I told you he was a motherfucker! I heard the word "evolution" come out of someone's mouth, and off they went.

I don't get it: there was not one person at that table who can prove the existence or non-existence of God, nor one who can explain fully how species have come to be! What the fuck were they arguing for!? No one side was going to sway the other, so what was the point!? We're writers, not scientists! Herp-a-derp indeed :P

After the meeting started, no hard feelings were felt, so all was well... but how was I supposed to talk to her now? She sat across from me, as if to taunt me with that oh-so-beautiful face I'll (probably) never lay eyes upon again, and the last meeting commences. Cake was brought by our mentors, but it had all kinds of things in it that turned me right off -- since when were poppy-seeds in cake!? Seriously! "Luckily" (I use the term lightly :P) my fancy just happened to have with her a box, inside of which was a lone muffin. Upon hearing of my lack of appeal for the cake: "Oh! Would you like this muffin instead?" ... does she even have to ask? Really? "Oh, sure! :D" It's chocolate, so I'm on that motherfucker like it's nobody's business :P  I'd have eaten it in one big mouthful, but, you know... still trying to make an impression here :P

The meeting goes on, and we near the end. We somehow get on to the topic of formatting the scripts, and I'm immediately mentioned because my formatting skills are super-duper-elite, apparently :P  The mentor goes so far as to ask me to explain how I format my scripts, and I do so, with my fancy being the only one to reply, with something along the lines of "really? So you just make a table in Word with two columns, and make the grid invisible? Genius." Genius? Genius!? What the hell was that!? What is she: the Queen of Hyperbole? Little Miss Exaggeration? It doesn't matter how you look at it though -- that was a clear cut compliment right there, man! There's no denying that one; no doubt about it. Unfortunately, it only served to confuse me further :P

Not long after, I was sent out to do an errand. Everyone else was saying their goodbyes, and I was taking one for the team; one I'd have rather not taken. As soon as I arrived back, they took a group photo (I am yet to receive it, and I want it; and we all know why :P), then she just... left! I saw her put on her bag and simply walk out the door! She said goodbye to no one -- not even me -- but she'd probably taken care of that whilst I was out of the room! Ain't fate a bitch :P  I thought all was lost... until someone realised she'd left her container behind! Her friend, however, was far quicker than I was to pick it up and run screaming her name down the hallway in her attempt to get it back to her... I should have snatched the fucking thing out of her hand and pushed her out of the way, but alas, I did not.

And thus ended (rather abruptly) the escapade.

I have since sent the girl an e-mail with the address I acquired months ago, simply asking if we could keep in touch -- I had no chance to ask there, so what the hell, right? Unfortunately, however, she is yet to respond (if ever :P). It could be the fact she doesn't check her e-mail often; it could be the fact she's on a trip and can't check her e-mail; it could be the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me :P Who knows? A few more days and I'll call the quits all together... perhaps :P  As much as I talk about the past, and what could of happened, my friend left me with a rather strong statement:

"It couldn't have happened any other way, because it happened, and you're still here."

Too true... too true...

If there's anything to take from this, it's as follows: do shit while you can still do it. Leave nothing for later, and hesitate no longer on those things you want so badly. You're going to have to take chances, but that's half the fun, so get in there and have some fun! You might have to prepare, and you might have to sacrifice, but it's all worth it in the end :)

Opportunities: Smacking Me Over the Back of the Head After I Walk Past Them

It's been a while since I've written anything, hasn't it? Perhaps it's because nothing interesting has happened to me at all. I've been a bit of a busy beaver lately, so there's been little time to think, let alone type, so- ...you know what? Fuck formalities -- you didn't come here to read about what I haven't had time to do :P  Let's talk about shit that has happened... sorta kinda :P

I have been devoid of any interaction with my fancy (here the fucker goes again :P) and hence this blog has been devoid of any reporting from the front line, which has been partially responsible for my lack of textual presence. I saw her for the first time in 5 weeks today... if only I had known it was her upon the first sighting :P Here's the lowdown: I'm walking to the meet where the rest of the group is; and when I walk, I walk fast. Anyone walking faster than me is usually sprinting. I also listen to music while I walk, and I had the Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando soundtrack on shuffle -- no, I'm not obsessed with the furry bastard to the point where his soundtrack is my motivation for any form of pedal transportation; I just like the soundtrack and haven't listened to it for a while. Get off my proverbial back, God damn it! :P

Anyway; I'm walking down, listening to GC, and one of the faster tracks comes on, which means I walk faster (I have this undeniable urge to walk in time with the music I'm listening to -- do you have that too? It can't just be me- bah! Tangents be gone!) I'm overtaking anyone and everyone in front of me, and I'm nearing my destination, but even with plenty of time to spare, the music takes hold, pushing me forward. There's a lone figure up ahead, and this would easily be the last person I have to get around, making for a swift arrival at the meet. I close in on them to discover the person is some girl, about the same height as me, with pale white skin and dark red hair, wearing short shorts, stockings, and black sunglasses on her head -- just another slow random who's getting in my way. Let's walk past her."

This is the part where I fucked up.

Big time.

I arrive at the meet, and five minutes later, guess who shows up? My fancy! ... who is about the same height as me, with pale white skin and dark red hair... and who just happens to be wearing short shorts, stockings and black sunglasses on her head!

...FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-

I can only imagine the calibre of facepalm it would take to fully represent what a dickhead I've just made of myself! Let's start with the obvious: here is my fancy, the girl of my dreams, walking along a footpath at a reasonable pace with nowhere urgent to be... and I WALK PAST HER!? I could have completed an entire dossier on the girl in the time I spent rushing to get somewhere I was early for anyway! That's a phone number, an MSN address and hence initial contact down the drain! Oh... did I mention the fact that she was by herself? Alone! In solitude! When she gets there, she indulges in conversation with others -- there's no chance for any decent discourse between us -- but here, no other punk-ass intruders were even present, let alone able to get in my way...and I don't even notice! Believe it or not, I had moments earlier checked to see if the girl I speak of was coming out of the train station I walk past on my way there... how does one MISS what they were actively LOOKING FOR only FIVE MINUTES EARLIER!?

The biggest consequence of my (lack of :P) actions, however, is far more subtle, and it may have actually damaged relationship potential rather than simply having missed an opportunity to boost it. We know I walked past her, but let me remind you of the speed at which I passed her: she was at walking pace... I'm at almost jogging pace... which means I bolted past her! This  not only means I didn't notice her, but that may very well have told her I was in a hurry to get away from her! That tells her I don't even want to speak to her when that's all I've been trying to do for WEEKS ON END! I'd kill to have a conversation with her, and I am not talking in any figurative manner! Whilst this was never confirmed and we actually did speak for a bit before the group went inside, but there was nothing special today in our interaction; and, considering we hadn't seen each other for 5 weeks, you'd think a "so, what did you get up to?" would have come my way. Yes, yes; I know I should have asked her that question... but we'll get to that later :P

The knockout punch actually came just after we got inside. I was thinking to myself "it's OK, it's all OK... you'll still leave with her. You'll still walk with her after the session. Another girl will be there, but it's better than nothing..." I was going to find that out the hard way :P  No more than a few minutes after we get in, my fancy (and the girl she walks to the train station with) made arrangements to leave 10 minutes early. Being straight across from my fancy (one of the few things that went right that afternoon -- her face is so pretty! :D) I heard, and it was at this point that my head internally collapsed -- that's every avenue I have for initiating  form of contact exhausted in the space of 20 minutes. We were then instructed to clear our minds by writing whatever we were thinking about now for 2 minutes, which basically involved me writing what you see here condensed in to a short, handwritten paragraph (with increased profanity density :P).

Even knowing that I could (and, with a stroke of luck, will) bump in to her at the same time next week, being fully aware of her presence and able to take advantage of the opportunity, she probably won't be alone next time (nor any other) as I'm sure she usually walks with someone who was away this week -- the walking with her afterwards is also fucked seeing as I can't run fast enough to catch up with a 10 minute gap (and believe me, I tried. Hard.) There is, however, one teensy weensy little trick I have up my sleeve: illegitimately acquired contact details. That's right; you read correctly: contact details. I discovered that her e-mail address is in the big list of 'em when the whole group gets sent stuff. To use it would be a little unusual, yes, but what options do I have now? This is the only reliable one left -- the encounters leave too much to chance. With the group now working on our final task, ideas are being discussed, and her's is one of intrigue and mystery... I don't know just what it is, but it sounds... just interesting. What little details I have now don't fit, and she's the only one with the missing pieces, so let us ask for them! What do I have to lose? If I e-mail her and she replies, there's my ticket and off I go; if she doesn't reply, we know the answer to that all important question and can get the fuck on with life. It's win-win... for me, anyway :P

...you know what else I'd kill for? A DeLorean... with a flux capacitor and time circuits that actually work.