Tension: Butter Knives Won't Cut It Because It Isn't Tangible

... do they have intangible butter knives? Where could I get one of those from? ...I suppose it doesn't matter whether I have one or not -- the tension is here to stay.

I have since seen my fancy for what is probably the last time. All the commotion is beginning to settle, the feelings are beginning to recede, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth doing this again when this is what's going to end up happening each and every time :P  Even the last day heralded signs of this whole thing being somewhat mutual, but the end of the day made it rather clear that the signs were just as I thought them to be: not signs. It's unusual going back and looking at all those little things she did...

"Surely, these things must have meant something!"

Nope.

"So... so all this just... happened?"

Uh-huh.

"Damn..."

The Tuesday began as they all have for the last few weeks: me getting off the train and running like a motherfucker in the hopes of catching up. The train arrived late, so I had to run the entire way; and I did! Slow down? What the fuck for!? I've got shit to do! At this point, the day is playing out like a poorly written, all but clichéd' romantic comedy :P  I ran, and I ran, and I ran... and I ran... and I... ran... and... I... ran... ... ...then I got there... ...to the place the meetings were held... "ah, shit! I've missed her! I must have ran past her again! God dammit!"

I sit down, catching my breath (it's weird how no one asked why I was breathing so heavily), and we all know who shows up five minutes later... from the other fucking direction! I came in from the east side; she came in from the west side! ... why!? I know which train station she gets off at! I walk past it on the way there, and that's the path she usually takes, so what's up with this tricky, ninja-like teleportation shit she's pulling here!? If I'd known, I just would have kept running! I don't give a fuck if I have to double back -- it's more than worth it! And an explanation, you think she'd ask for? I'd have just made one up -- who cares!?

"The main thing is that she's here. Things could be a lot worse, but they aren't, because she's here." They immediately wished her "happy birthday!", which I had to chime in for at the last second because I didn't know (I'm finding it harder each day justifying my decision to not use Facebook -- how else would they have known :P). She greets everyone with a friendly hug; and boy, was I looking forward to mine! She said nothing more than "hello, [name]!" with each hug, except mine (of course, mine just has to be different to make things more confusing), as she added on a "nice jacket!" with my greeting. I suppose it's just one more for the pile of things that can be easily misinterpreted as signs of something meaningful :P

Discussion was fruitful as I waited for the perfect moment to ask for her e-mail/phone number/whatever. "I'll take the first one I get! I don't care if these people figure everything out; I just want those details, dammit!" Unfortunately, she sat quite far from me (at the other end of the table >.< ) so I couldn't speak directly to her, or even move to sit next to her... poor girl didn't even have a seat! She was just kneeling at the table! I wanted to offer her a seat, but where she was, a seat wouldn't fit... she could have had my seat if she wanted! Hell, I'd be her seat :P  Seat or no seat, however, discussion continued; and my non-involvement in the conversation went against me as the subject matter turned to that which is ripe for disagreement: religion. See? I told you he was a motherfucker! I heard the word "evolution" come out of someone's mouth, and off they went.

I don't get it: there was not one person at that table who can prove the existence or non-existence of God, nor one who can explain fully how species have come to be! What the fuck were they arguing for!? No one side was going to sway the other, so what was the point!? We're writers, not scientists! Herp-a-derp indeed :P

After the meeting started, no hard feelings were felt, so all was well... but how was I supposed to talk to her now? She sat across from me, as if to taunt me with that oh-so-beautiful face I'll (probably) never lay eyes upon again, and the last meeting commences. Cake was brought by our mentors, but it had all kinds of things in it that turned me right off -- since when were poppy-seeds in cake!? Seriously! "Luckily" (I use the term lightly :P) my fancy just happened to have with her a box, inside of which was a lone muffin. Upon hearing of my lack of appeal for the cake: "Oh! Would you like this muffin instead?" ... does she even have to ask? Really? "Oh, sure! :D" It's chocolate, so I'm on that motherfucker like it's nobody's business :P  I'd have eaten it in one big mouthful, but, you know... still trying to make an impression here :P

The meeting goes on, and we near the end. We somehow get on to the topic of formatting the scripts, and I'm immediately mentioned because my formatting skills are super-duper-elite, apparently :P  The mentor goes so far as to ask me to explain how I format my scripts, and I do so, with my fancy being the only one to reply, with something along the lines of "really? So you just make a table in Word with two columns, and make the grid invisible? Genius." Genius? Genius!? What the hell was that!? What is she: the Queen of Hyperbole? Little Miss Exaggeration? It doesn't matter how you look at it though -- that was a clear cut compliment right there, man! There's no denying that one; no doubt about it. Unfortunately, it only served to confuse me further :P

Not long after, I was sent out to do an errand. Everyone else was saying their goodbyes, and I was taking one for the team; one I'd have rather not taken. As soon as I arrived back, they took a group photo (I am yet to receive it, and I want it; and we all know why :P), then she just... left! I saw her put on her bag and simply walk out the door! She said goodbye to no one -- not even me -- but she'd probably taken care of that whilst I was out of the room! Ain't fate a bitch :P  I thought all was lost... until someone realised she'd left her container behind! Her friend, however, was far quicker than I was to pick it up and run screaming her name down the hallway in her attempt to get it back to her... I should have snatched the fucking thing out of her hand and pushed her out of the way, but alas, I did not.

And thus ended (rather abruptly) the escapade.

I have since sent the girl an e-mail with the address I acquired months ago, simply asking if we could keep in touch -- I had no chance to ask there, so what the hell, right? Unfortunately, however, she is yet to respond (if ever :P). It could be the fact she doesn't check her e-mail often; it could be the fact she's on a trip and can't check her e-mail; it could be the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me :P Who knows? A few more days and I'll call the quits all together... perhaps :P  As much as I talk about the past, and what could of happened, my friend left me with a rather strong statement:

"It couldn't have happened any other way, because it happened, and you're still here."

Too true... too true...

If there's anything to take from this, it's as follows: do shit while you can still do it. Leave nothing for later, and hesitate no longer on those things you want so badly. You're going to have to take chances, but that's half the fun, so get in there and have some fun! You might have to prepare, and you might have to sacrifice, but it's all worth it in the end :)

Chatty: The Trait That Makes This Shit a Lot Fucking Easier

I'm not well known for getting shit done; I stall, overthink and procrastinate until all hours over those tasks I find daunting. Sometimes, however, time is stretched thin simply because of the situation at hand, and with only 1 more encounter between my fancy and I for me to look forward to, "stretched thin" is quite the understatement. The "make or break" moment draws ever closer, and although much has been made in the name of progress, a lot more needs to be made in the name of "hurry the fuck up!" Expletives aside though, I'm a lot closer than when all this madness started -- no contact details yet, no no no... but conversation? Yes yes yes :P

The first instance almost caught me off guard. It was one if those opportunities you don't see coming, but those are the most fun because you have no idea what's gonna happen; the adrenaline goes off the charts and you're bouncing off the wall. I find it hard to believe I try to avoid doing things that would make me feel this way, even though I love the feeling and sometimes even crave it. I arrived at the meet unable to see anyone else from the group, so I keep walking to see a lone, curvy figure... guess who :P "Where the hell is everyone else- WHO CARES? How come she's the only one here- NOT IMPORTANT! I wonder if anything's happened- STOP THINKING AND SAY HELLO!" When you boil down to it, sometimes being louder does make your point more valid; it does in my head at the very least :P So, off I go, balls to the wall and heartbeat to the max, and that all important celestial introduction makes it's way from my vocabulary to my vocal cords, promptly passing through my dry lips up to her receptors unawares... "...hi!"

Then the real fun starts :P

As the message makes it's way through her brain, there comes that smile one can't quite escape, and the reply is urgently anticipated. "Oh! Good morning!" she said, quick to realise that it was actually 5 in the friggin' afternoon :P -- I'd have pointed it out, but her quick and adorable "Oops! Good afternoon, I meant." relieved me of such pressure. She was using her phone (hopefully not texting her boyfriend! O.O) so I moved along and took a seat. She came up and took a seat nearby, proceeding to talk about the previous week's session. This is the great thing about this girl: she just talks! She talks and talks and talks! This trait might come back to bite me in the arse one day, but for now, it's a fucking Godsend. It's not like she is completely unable to shut up; she just naturally has more to say, irrespective of the subject at hand. There's never an awkward silence -- if I ain't sayin' somethin', she takes care of everything! It may make it hard for me to get a word in, but at this point, anything's better than nothing :P  After 3 to 4 minutes of bliss (felt like 3-4 seconds :P) others started to show, and attention was impossible to hold, but the way that conversation flowed was just... just... :D

The next episode of chit-chat came about through a second strike of lightning I wasn't expecting. In a previous entry, I mentioned walking right past the girl as I was on my way to the meet -- not even someone as mentally inept as me is dumb enough to fuck this up twice :P  Funnily enough, I spotted her from a hundred metres back, out of breath as I ran to try to see if I'd catch up -- and by golly I did! :D -- so I was out of breath, quietly begging myself to "slow down, motherfucker... slow down, motherfucker... slow down... mother... fucker..." It was kinda creepy walking just a tad faster than her, without her noticing me until I was by her side saying "hello!" It was like the sort of thing you'd see in a horror movie... I'd have blown my cover in a fit of laughter had the Jaws theme started playing on my iPod :P  Her reaction I'll never forget: "Oh my gosh! Hey! Oh my gosh!" she spieled as she took her earphones out to speak, as if she thought I'd been there for 30 seconds and was too engrossed in the music to realise; not to mention the fact that she seemed very excited to see me... see why I've been hanging on to this for so long? It's all the little things, and by God do they amount to something after such time :P It was the same situation -- me listening to her talking about the same things for the most part -- but once again, it's better than walking right past her in a puff of smoke :P

This is, however, drawing to a close however you look at it. At some point, I am going to have to get contact details (or use those I already found :P) to get something happening here. With only one more (hypothetically) guaranteed physical encounter, I am up shit creek without a paddle, and I don't know where you buy paddles from in this neighbourhood. What I've discussed here isn't even remotely courageous by any regular standard, so I'm going to have to do something actually ballsy if I want this to go anywhere: I'm either going to have to ask her for her email/number/MSN/Facebook (fuck that shit :P) to her face... or be a sneaky little devil and use the email I already have to slip in there and get a late start, hoping not to fuck with her head in the process :P

... I make this shit way harder than it  needs to be, huh :P

Opportunities: Smacking Me Over the Back of the Head After I Walk Past Them

It's been a while since I've written anything, hasn't it? Perhaps it's because nothing interesting has happened to me at all. I've been a bit of a busy beaver lately, so there's been little time to think, let alone type, so- ...you know what? Fuck formalities -- you didn't come here to read about what I haven't had time to do :P  Let's talk about shit that has happened... sorta kinda :P

I have been devoid of any interaction with my fancy (here the fucker goes again :P) and hence this blog has been devoid of any reporting from the front line, which has been partially responsible for my lack of textual presence. I saw her for the first time in 5 weeks today... if only I had known it was her upon the first sighting :P Here's the lowdown: I'm walking to the meet where the rest of the group is; and when I walk, I walk fast. Anyone walking faster than me is usually sprinting. I also listen to music while I walk, and I had the Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando soundtrack on shuffle -- no, I'm not obsessed with the furry bastard to the point where his soundtrack is my motivation for any form of pedal transportation; I just like the soundtrack and haven't listened to it for a while. Get off my proverbial back, God damn it! :P

Anyway; I'm walking down, listening to GC, and one of the faster tracks comes on, which means I walk faster (I have this undeniable urge to walk in time with the music I'm listening to -- do you have that too? It can't just be me- bah! Tangents be gone!) I'm overtaking anyone and everyone in front of me, and I'm nearing my destination, but even with plenty of time to spare, the music takes hold, pushing me forward. There's a lone figure up ahead, and this would easily be the last person I have to get around, making for a swift arrival at the meet. I close in on them to discover the person is some girl, about the same height as me, with pale white skin and dark red hair, wearing short shorts, stockings, and black sunglasses on her head -- just another slow random who's getting in my way. Let's walk past her."

This is the part where I fucked up.

Big time.

I arrive at the meet, and five minutes later, guess who shows up? My fancy! ... who is about the same height as me, with pale white skin and dark red hair... and who just happens to be wearing short shorts, stockings and black sunglasses on her head!

...FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-

I can only imagine the calibre of facepalm it would take to fully represent what a dickhead I've just made of myself! Let's start with the obvious: here is my fancy, the girl of my dreams, walking along a footpath at a reasonable pace with nowhere urgent to be... and I WALK PAST HER!? I could have completed an entire dossier on the girl in the time I spent rushing to get somewhere I was early for anyway! That's a phone number, an MSN address and hence initial contact down the drain! Oh... did I mention the fact that she was by herself? Alone! In solitude! When she gets there, she indulges in conversation with others -- there's no chance for any decent discourse between us -- but here, no other punk-ass intruders were even present, let alone able to get in my way...and I don't even notice! Believe it or not, I had moments earlier checked to see if the girl I speak of was coming out of the train station I walk past on my way there... how does one MISS what they were actively LOOKING FOR only FIVE MINUTES EARLIER!?

The biggest consequence of my (lack of :P) actions, however, is far more subtle, and it may have actually damaged relationship potential rather than simply having missed an opportunity to boost it. We know I walked past her, but let me remind you of the speed at which I passed her: she was at walking pace... I'm at almost jogging pace... which means I bolted past her! This  not only means I didn't notice her, but that may very well have told her I was in a hurry to get away from her! That tells her I don't even want to speak to her when that's all I've been trying to do for WEEKS ON END! I'd kill to have a conversation with her, and I am not talking in any figurative manner! Whilst this was never confirmed and we actually did speak for a bit before the group went inside, but there was nothing special today in our interaction; and, considering we hadn't seen each other for 5 weeks, you'd think a "so, what did you get up to?" would have come my way. Yes, yes; I know I should have asked her that question... but we'll get to that later :P

The knockout punch actually came just after we got inside. I was thinking to myself "it's OK, it's all OK... you'll still leave with her. You'll still walk with her after the session. Another girl will be there, but it's better than nothing..." I was going to find that out the hard way :P  No more than a few minutes after we get in, my fancy (and the girl she walks to the train station with) made arrangements to leave 10 minutes early. Being straight across from my fancy (one of the few things that went right that afternoon -- her face is so pretty! :D) I heard, and it was at this point that my head internally collapsed -- that's every avenue I have for initiating  form of contact exhausted in the space of 20 minutes. We were then instructed to clear our minds by writing whatever we were thinking about now for 2 minutes, which basically involved me writing what you see here condensed in to a short, handwritten paragraph (with increased profanity density :P).

Even knowing that I could (and, with a stroke of luck, will) bump in to her at the same time next week, being fully aware of her presence and able to take advantage of the opportunity, she probably won't be alone next time (nor any other) as I'm sure she usually walks with someone who was away this week -- the walking with her afterwards is also fucked seeing as I can't run fast enough to catch up with a 10 minute gap (and believe me, I tried. Hard.) There is, however, one teensy weensy little trick I have up my sleeve: illegitimately acquired contact details. That's right; you read correctly: contact details. I discovered that her e-mail address is in the big list of 'em when the whole group gets sent stuff. To use it would be a little unusual, yes, but what options do I have now? This is the only reliable one left -- the encounters leave too much to chance. With the group now working on our final task, ideas are being discussed, and her's is one of intrigue and mystery... I don't know just what it is, but it sounds... just interesting. What little details I have now don't fit, and she's the only one with the missing pieces, so let us ask for them! What do I have to lose? If I e-mail her and she replies, there's my ticket and off I go; if she doesn't reply, we know the answer to that all important question and can get the fuck on with life. It's win-win... for me, anyway :P

...you know what else I'd kill for? A DeLorean... with a flux capacitor and time circuits that actually work.

Addiction: Protector of All That Is Holy, Deliver Me from Crash Bandicoot

Man oh man... it's been a crazy few days! I've got two weeks of (relative :P) relaxation time from my otherwise busy schedule, and what's the first thing I do? Play Crash Bandicoot! Fuck catch-up, fuck preparation for the future and fuck socialising with friends I don't have; it's time for some old school platforming with our favourite marsupial friend! Perhaps the title should have been "Priorities: I Don't Has" :P  I have been doing a lot of work for LittleBigShow in between sessions -- it's taken ages to edit because a new game calls for changes aplenty -- but that furry little bastard has swept me away to a land of pure digital bliss... and seemingly endless cursing that's eventually met with a platinum relic :P  It's crazy how something can suck you in like this, and many would consider playing video games for (what I consider to be) long periods of time bad for one's self in terms of physical and mental well being, but those fuckers are probably bored stiff from their 9-to-5 routine and a lack of self esteem that causes them to call anything differing from the norm "unhealthy" -- they should play some Crash Bandicoot! Give these people a PlayStation and the original trilogy! Relieve them of their piousness to conformity!

I actually started out playing Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, skipping the first two games in exchange for something I was more familiar with, seeing as I grew up playing Warped and never had the other two. The nostalgia is mind-blowing; playing a game where I used to scrape through and barely got past the main storyline, but now having the skill and ability to go back and get everything there is to get... it gives me a strong sense of power, as if I'm some kind of gaming God. It's amazing how I can ignore the blocky graphics and the low polygon count, being able to just play and play, enjoying the game for what I'm doing in it rather than what I'm looking at during gameplay. We all know from experience that a more powerful system does not necessarily make for more enjoyable titles; the responsibility for AAA content always has and always will lie with the developer, and Naughty Dog knew what the fuck they were doing :P  After I got all the gems and gold relics, I finally earned me 105% completion -- and for those of you pondering on that, remember: this game puts you in the role of a bandicoot with a mystical mask for a friend and a wumpa-bazooka as a weapon; 105% completion is far from the most illogical concept this game has to offer :P -- but I still wanted all the platinum relics, so off I went trying to get them... and fuck me, they can be hard! A few of them are easy, but some of them are damned tricky! You usually can't make a single mistake, or you'll have to restart. Every jump must be timed perfectly, every jump justified, and every time box broken, or you're sweet outta luck, jolly well fucked, and restarting the level as you swear and curse your way in to mental oblivion -- it makes me wonder why I play if I'm just gonna go ape-shit at a TV screen :P  And don't get me started on the jet-ski levels... just don't.

After I got all 30 platinum relics (a feat I thought was far beyond my ability) I wondered what to play next... well, isn't it obvious? Let's play the next Crash Bandicoot game! I'm evidently losing control over myself here :P  The next one required me to blow the dust off my PS2 -- I'd play it more, but the component cables I used to use to hook it up to the TV are now permanently connected to my capture card for my PS3, and I can't be fucked buying more cables, so the poor bastard's been left alone for months at a time over the past year or so... oh well, this is sure to get his spirits back on high! Crash Bandicoot: Wrath of Cortex is basically Warped, minus the cartoony PS1-era presentation and with a few level changes: namely no stinking jet-ski levels, and the added ball-rolling levels! They are sweet! If there's one good thing that came out of this game, it's the ball-rolling. *You may insert a reference to Chamillionare's "Ridin'" here if you find such references humourous.* For every good idea, however, there's a whole bunch of fuck ups -- take the camera, for instance: it's god awful, especially in the underwater levels, where enemies appear on screen out of nowhere, giving you only half a second to react... annoying shit, let me tell you. Speaking of annoying, how about the loading times? The original trilogy didn't even have loading times, and this is the PS1 we're talking about here! These loading times, whilst not totally unbearable, are still irritable... and the music doesn't loop! Naughty Dog figured that shit out; why can't these new guys do it?

They're both enjoyable titles though (hence why I've been barely able to put the controller down) but when I play video games with this chronological density, I wonder... am I playing because I enjoy it, or am I playing because I need to? Did I go "hey, you know what would be fun? Playing the next game in the series" or "gimme a game gimme a game gimme a game any game I don't care so long as I'm not doing anything productive gimme gimme gimme!" What's gonna happen when I finish this one? Am I gonna go out and get Crash Twinsanity in my urge to manipulate this little bandicoot digital existence? Am I gonna go back and play the first or second game in the trilogy? Am I gonna go outside due to a critical Vitamin D shortage? I don't wanna spend my days getting crystals, gems and relics, no matter how fun it is! I have a girl to chase, damn it, and she sure as fuck ain't gonna be impressed by gaming statistics of any kind, even if they do defy the basic laws of mathematics.

That's one question I asked myself during a gaming session: if I had the choice between playing a new game I've been eager to get for a long time, and a date, which would I choose? In theory, I'd pick the date -- that's a fuckin' no-brainer right there -- but in practice... I'm not even sure anymore :P  I'd have to put the controller down to get to the stage where I'd be offered a date, so I suppose it's not as simple as my hypothetical makes it out to be. I thought about my fancy as I was doing some work in between gaming sessions (or am I gaming in between writing sessions... o.O) and one lone butterfly came to say hello to my stomach. It makes me glad that I'm not so warped (pardon the reference :P) by games that my mind leaves reality and enters the simulated one; that would suck, hard. I suppose that means I'm OK -- if I can still dream about bliss with people, I can still engage in my bliss with my gamepad.

What? I fell down that hole again!? AGAIN!? Oh, for fuck's sake!

Perversion: The Drug That Keeps on Giving

Being the age I am, certain mindsets tend to take control at times. For a number of years now, I have been somewhat obsessed with the physical nature of women; no more obsessed than any other man, but still curious to such a degree that I find myself thinking about the feminine physique far too often. Of course, I’m not looking for an answer as much as I’m looking for more questions: “what does that part of her look/feel/taste like?” I’ve come to realise that sometimes I’m just one sick motherfucker :P In a monologue I wrote recently, I directly implied that my character wanted to suck the nipples of the girl he desired… where the fuck did that idea come from? My own fantasy!? I don’t remember fantasising about that! That’s messed up, man! What’s worse is that I then turned that joke in to the punch-line! I don’t think lust or sex (or anything else) is off limits to the word, written or spoken, but I have to question my inspiration for that particular set of lines :P I was pissing myself laughing at the possible effect those lines could have on an audience; call me arrogant, but if I don’t think the jokes are funny, who will? Confidence in one’s material is key for a comedian; for any writer or performer. But, at the same time, I was also perplexed by just what gave me that idea.

I’ve spent way more time liking girls than I’ve spent actually being with them. I’m not sure if that’s the case for most guys, but that’s the case for me. The thrill of the chase is half the fun, and half the time you’re chasing your own brain trying to get it to stop pondering the subject! “Does she like me back? Does she even like me at all? Does she even like guys? Does she even like people? What if she doesn’t like me back? What if she doesn’t like me at all? What if she doesn’t like guys? What if she doesn’t like people?” These answers won’t come about when all you’re doing is looking at her shapely figure! That’s all you’ve got to go off so far; you don’t have any useful information yet! Perhaps this is why there were (and certainly still are) men who see women as objects; they see a woman’s body as mere advertising, and their “duties” as their function. Is your woman misbehaving dysfunctional? Get a new one! We’re shallow people, us men. We go straight off what we see, but that’s the first thing we get a glimpse at: her body! I like to see it as just one of the ways to begin to discover someone, whilst understanding that there’s a fuckload more to a woman than her humps.

Having had a girlfriend, hence having at least some experience in this area of life, the first step with this new fancy of mine is determining whether there is any substance behind the attraction. Before I met my girlfriend, there was nothing but physical desire shaping my draw to girls; that’s puberty for you :P Been there, done that, and I ain’t going back, not even for fun in the sack. Upon meeting my girlfriend, however, and learning about whom she was and the things she liked, then going back and comparing them to the things I liked, it just clicked! There was now genuine backing behind the magnetism, and so it could be further explored for a substantial purpose rather than just for tail! Being back at square one (or square two, if finding a girl is the first step – the steps vary between geometrics :P) means that entire process must occur again. As much as I want to find out more about this girl so I can start to think about the next course of action, is it because I want to chew her brain, or eat her out? I suppose at this point, I want one thing to lead to another :P …shouldn’t have used that emoticon…

Having said that though, what do you do right after you see? You hear, of course! What a girl says is what provides you with the information necessary to make an informed decision as to whether or not the pursuit should continue. The problem is that normally, I see this girl each at a scriptwriting workshop I attend for only 2 hours, for which 0% of the time is spent socialising. I can only speak or listen to this girl before and after the session. Having heard this girl speak only a few times, she seems like a genuinely kind person, but I’ve also heard that she’s outgoing and a bit of a talker, so at this point I know that she’s somewhere between “naïve tenderfoot” and “total bitch;” I suppose I need more information, and in the absence of information, I over-analyse what little information I already have. For example, I missed a session due to my recent illness. When I went back the next week, she greeted me with a big smile on her face and asked me how I was, yet we don’t speak very often and she doesn’t know me that well. That kind of vague shit is exactly the kind of thing one can go nuts trying to figure out! “She said hello and asked me how I was… does that mean she likes me? Does that mean that she’s interested in me as a person, in my condition, in my status? Or was she just being polite? Surely, if she liked me, she would have continued conversation after she greeted me… or perhaps she’s feeling the same way and is too scared to do so! Maybe she’s just the type of person who says hello to everyone. Maybe she’s just an incredibly hot alien from out of space!” If left to my own devices, this can go on for weeks at a time.

After seeing her today though, I feel that all this has at least some potential to blossom. Rather than thinking of her lovely lady parts, this time I was drawn by the seemingly bottomless depths of beauty that are her eyes. My God, they are pretty! It must be something about the colour green blue (they look so similar, seriously :P) that fucks my head right up. It seems a bit ridiculous though; what the hell am I looking her eyes for anyway!? Do I want to give myself away? For fuck’s sake, even if she’s not looking at me, she can probably still see me looking straight at her out the corner of those same eyes I’m looking in to! I’d make a shitty covert-ops agent, man. Then again, my previous fancies have given me two and a half years of ogling skill- oh, there I go again. See? I can’t help myself. Having said that though, I now have expressions with even less clarity to deconstruct. Get this: she said my handwriting was “arty.” …what? My handwriting is what? My handwriting is messy and borderline illegible, not arty! Shit, I can barely read it at the best of times. How’s that for irony, huh? This is the sort of nonsense you spout when you’re… talking to someone you like! Take it from someone who knows: you say some crazy shit when your heart is racing and your mind is fleeting. I could be (and probably am :P) reading too far in to it, but it’s interesting to analyse nonetheless.

In spite of all this confusion (which I sincerely apologise for… seriously :P) the clincher for me is the how radiant I was for those few hours. In that room, I’d never felt more comfortable to speak; to be myself. I was making cracks left, right and centre, and people were laughing! That’s my natural style: to fuck around! And I was fucking around and around and around!  Once she was out of my sight, my face lit up. After two hours of holding it back, I’m walking the streets with this monstrous grin on my face, the kind you don’t need a mirror to check up on. I was happy! What I was saying before about depression works: just think about good shit, and the bad shit disappears! It’s the same feeling I had before I broke up, but now magnified due to its previous absence! There’s nothing like that unexplainable visceral sentiment that fills one’s system when they see who they think to be the greatest person in the world for reasons they can’t explain: the undisputed king of emotions, in my books. All you’re thinking about is her as she smiles and talks with you in hypothetical bliss.

Oh, and before I forget… can one of the more experienced readers tell me just what a vagina tastes like? I wanna know before I start making requests :P