Self: ishness and Image

So, it was Christmas the other day, and, from a capitalistic standpoint, it was pretty sweet! Got myself a new phone to replace my old phone:

I've needed a new phone for a while because the old one began to take up to half an hour to receive text messages. It's been a good seven years, Motorola V220, but your reign of pocket-sized procrastination is over. It's pretty cool to have a phone that can browse the Internet... it's also cool to have a phone that knows what the Internet actually is.

I also got an Xbox 360, which surprised me cos I never asked for it or anything. I did mention the Wii U to my mum, but clearly said to her that the phone was plenty and to get me the console on top of the phone would be ridiculous. There was a small part of me that thought "Wouldn't it be funny if she got you it anyway?", but I never meant it to be reverse psychology—the phone is a fucking awesome gift on its own and I didn't expect anything on top of it. She actually thought I'd said 'Xbox' instead of 'Wii U' in that conversation we had, getting the 360 by accident, so I'm getting it exchanged for a Wii U, covering the balance out of my own pocket (more than fair :P). I have no need for a 360, and the Wii U is a better investment seeing as it's a next-gen console. My PS3 covers all my seventh-generation gaming needs; and there are no exclusives on the 360 I want to play (except for Perfect Dark on the XBLA, but that's a remake of an N64 game), so it'd just end up sitting there unused. The Wii U, though, will have plenty of new games coming out for it that I can pick up; and it's backwards compatible with Wii games, not to mention the older titles on the Virtual Store, so I practically got two consoles instead of one.

I feel like a douche for swapping it, cos it seems ungrateful as all hell, but it would be a waste of my mum's time and money to keep the 360 and use it once in a blue moon. It's not like I opened the wrapping paper and went "What is this crap? An Xbox? Pfft, only faggots play Xbox, mum. Wii U's are the cool console now. God, you're such a dumbass, seriously. Xbox SUCKS >.<"  I was like "o.O ...uuummmm... this is a surprise, but I don't know why I need this seeing as I have a PS3 already... >.>". It's not even like I have anything against the console; I just don't have any reason to keep it. The games that came with it didn't interest me at all—Halo is only fun when I play with friends, Forza 3 is one of those realistic racing games (whereas I prefer wacky shit like Mario Kart or Crash Team Racing), Skyrim is an RPG (no faster way to put me to sleep :P), and Gears of War is just... silly :P

Oh, the guilts of discretionary consumerism... what a plague have I unleashed upon myself? That's not a rhetorical question, by the way: I have a cold right now (on top of suspected tonsillitis, which I may have had for the past two fucking years), so I was first on karma's Christmas list :P

Onto a completely different subject: my body. I've been thinking more about my appearance lately— not with any changes in mind, just with an awareness of how I present myself to others. For the record, I don't really give a shit how I look, not often. If I'm going somewhere, my mum usually suggests clothes for me and I just wear what she says, seeing as she knows better than I about clothing :P  I also don't buy new clothes, nor do I style my hair, shave, or anything else like that. My way of thinking is this: if people are going to judge me by the way I look or the clothes I choose to wear, their opinions are evidently based on the superficial aspects of my persona and are therefore shallow; hence, any judgement they pass unto me is null and void.

The only time I see a reason to change my presentation is when I want to give someone a more positive impression than I could by presenting my usual self, and this would only happen if I were going to an event where I could meet new people, specifically girls. My chances of getting some pussy are low enough as it is, so yes, in this case, I will certainly take steps to improve my odds of chatting to a girl, getting her phone number, hooking up, whatever. But what would I change?

Would I style my hair? Maybe. There's not much you can do with my haircut :P  But if putting gel in it or something makes it look better, given whatever else I'm wearing, then fine, go ahead. Speaking of hair, I recently saw a picture where I was blowing out the candles on my nineteenth birthday, and I had really long hair. Goddamn, did it look repulsive :P  I only thought it was a problem once it was in my face... it was a problem so long before that :P

Would I shave? Yes. My facial hair is, for lack of a better word, inconsistent. I have quasi-sideburns that are coming along well, a moustache that's kinda there, and a very small growth under my lower lip which I like—the rest is just all over the place. I have only a few hairs growing on my chin, and the hair linking my wannabe-moustache to my pseudo-sideburns is just patchy. On some parts of my cheek, there's a little bit of hair; on others, there's no hair at all; and on others still, there are hairs that seem longer than those on the top of my head! Why is it putting all the focus into a few fucking hairs? Quantity over quality here, man! I'd rather a clean look than a few over-achieving follicles.

Would I use aftershave/cologne/anything that makes me smell different? ...here's a better question: why should I? Now, far be it from me to take everything this George Carlin says as fact, as he's no scientist (and I know I quote him an awful lot :P), but I trust his intellect:

Something else I can do without: aftershave and cologne, and this disgusting shit that men put on their bodies. Just what I need in the elevator—some guy standing next to me smells like a fuckin' pine tree! I say "Go home and wash, you smelly prick! You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cathouse!" Goddamn, guys are stupid. Guys are really fuckin' dumb. They think they're gonna get laid with this stuff, ya know! Oh yeah, they put it on at home—"Oh boy oh boy, I'll get laid tonight, I'll get laid tonight." You don't get laid with green shit that comes out of a bottle, OK? The only smell that's gonna help you get laid is your own natural scent. You have pheromones; it's a secondary sex characteristic."

Back in Town, recorded 1996 

Is he right? Do women like guys who smell... raw? Or do they prefer it when we put these fragrances on? I'll put it on if it helps, absolutely, cos the amount of time it takes me to put it on is far shorter than the amount of time whose quality might be improved with a girl liking that smell, being attracted to me in part because of it.

But there are other things I refuse to do, things I don't give a shit about. Jewellery is the big one for me. I don't wear necklaces, earrings, bangles, rings, none of that shit. I don't see the point—it's just shiny for the sake of shiny! If jewellery meant something to me, then I might wear it; but having metal dangling from my neck or sitting around my fingers impedes my ability to do what I gotta do during the day, and it fuckin' pisses me off. If I had a ring that symbolised something for me, or a ring that reminded me of someone or something from my past, then sure, I'd wear it—but I don't, so fuck it. I don't even wear a watch because wearing one seems to pull at my wrist when I move it around (I think the wrist hair gets caught in the band or stuck to the watch somewhere, being tugged when the watch shifts, but I can't be sure). I don't care if other people wear jewellery, but it's not like a girl's gonna grab my attention with huge earrings and bling all over her hands and arms—that actually sounds repulsive and materialistic :P

Shoes are another thing I don't care for. My mum goes apeshit over shoes; she thinks they're the most important thing in the world, always telling me to clean my shoes and keep them in good shape. So many times has she said to me "You can always judge a person by their shoes." Well, you can always judge a person by how much money they have too. The first judgement is based off a small, largely irrelevant piece of information; and the second is based off only one aspect of the person's life, whereas there are many more I'm neglecting to analyse. Both judgements are premature and therefore rather irrational. It's just a dumb way to look at people. Going back to chicks, I seriously don't give a fuck what shoes they wear. If I'm looking at a girl, I'm looking at her tits, her ass, her face, her arms, her legs—anything but her fuckin' feet! In fact, if someone's staring at your shoes, that's when you should say "Hey, my eyes are up here", cos at least they're better to look at then a pair of shoes. Fuck shoes >.<

On a side note, not that it's anything I have to worry about, but makeup as a whole just confuses me. My ex (from what I can remember), didn't wear much makeup, if any at all, and she was beautiful (and still is). I don't see the appeal. Maybe I just haven't seen a girl with no makeup whatsoever and have no 'default look' to compare, but I'm not seeing the huge benefit you girls get from plastering shit all over your face. I know it's not just a physical thing, but also a psychological thing, perhaps to cover up imperfections you don't feel comfortable with. A little patching up here-and-there is fine, oftentimes a good thing—there are men who do the same thing, using acne-creams and moisturisers and stuff—but what's the deal with just piling it on? Mascara that makes your eyes look like they were hand-drawn, eyeliner that seems to be applied to an area that extends far beyond the actual eyes, lipstick and lip gloss that makes your lips taste like Jesus or whatever... the fuck, man? That makes you look horrible. How insecure can you get? I like looking at a girl's face when I can actually see her face, not the twenty layers of colour and spice you chucked on top for no apparent reason. Are naked faces immoral now or something? Seriously, the best thing a girl can do with her face is smile because she's happy being where she is. You don't need makeup to pull that shit off.

I only mention these things cos I'm thinking more about expanding my social horizons next year, so I'll be learning a lot more about this crap if and when that happens. If I wanna attract and impress people who don't know me, I understand that their first impression will be on what I wear, so it makes sense to manipulate my appearance as to get the best response possible; but as for people who already know me, or people who don't have anything to do with me, their judgement of my looks is fucking irrelevant.

And again: fuck shoes >.<

Aging: D:

I spoke in this entry about how my mother told me she has a terminal illness. She told me she had anywhere from six months to five years left, anything beyond that being a bonus. Since hearing this information, I've started to look her condition differently, making more inferences than I ever have previously.

This has become evident in my observations of, the kidney infection, maxillary sinusitis and bronchitis she's had to deal with over the past week. She was bedridden for two days, unable to even keep food down on Monday. That was kinda spooky, but I think it was just a coincidence that she happened to get dreadfully sick just after I'd been told about her illness (this isn't the first kidney infection I've seen her have, not even this year). Hearing someone cough, splutter, and nearly throw up is horrible on its own; hearing it every five-to-ten minutes is disturbing as all hell. And this is just how I feel listening to it—the person who's actually sick has shit to deal with to which I cannot relate. At first, thinking this was the result of the illness I'd been told about, I feared us both having to live like this every day from then on; but she's better now, able to walk around and eat just fine, so it was just a phase. Thing is, I'm sure it's just the first of many phases, and there will be further episodes whose ramifications will worsen as time goes on.

One of the things I noticed with my mum's sickness is that she seemed to have become a lot older a lot faster—she was acting more like an old woman than like the mother I knew. She is fifty-nine, but she kept reminding me of my (dead) grandmother more than anyone else while she was bedridden. The walk she talked, the way she moved around—it was all weak and congested. She's talking more normally now, so, again, it was just temporary, but it was eerie to make the comparisons I was making there.

I've also noticed my own attitude to her changing. In some ways, I'm a rather ungrateful son—while I don't run around breaking things and causing havoc, I don't do chores as soon as I should (and I don't have many chores to do as it is). When she was sick, though, she asked for something, I had to drop everything and attend to her. I'm not gonna lie: it pissed me off, because I hate (and I mean hate :P) being interrupted even once, let alone multiple times in succession. But can I be mad at her? No, of course not. I can't complain when I've lived off her proverbial tit for nineteen years—getting a few towels and walking to the chemist to get some antibiotics isn't much to ask for :P

Speaking of walking to the chemist, I actually saw a van marked 'Patient Transport' heading in the same direction I was when I started to walk back to my house with the antibiotics. I was like "...oh, come on..." as I saw it turn down the same street I'd soon be walking down, fearing I'd left it too late to make the trip, my mother having had to call the hospital in my absence. Thankfully, the van stopped at a nearby tennis court where some old people were having a few games, so it was just another unfortunate coincidence. But am I gonna feel that way every time I see an ambulance now? Am I gonna worry about my mum when I'm not home, fearing she won't be there when I get back, or that I'll get a phone call telling me she's in casualty and won't be home for a few days? Only time will tell.

As weird as it sounds, part of me also thinks I should feel more worried about this whole thing. I'm not about to wish for grievance when there's nothing to grieve, but, in all seriousness, I'm not that concerned. Her health was never in peak condition; it's not surprising that a woman of my mother's history would have these health issues. But shouldn't I feel bad? Shouldn't I be concerned as to how I'm going to live when she's gone, how I'll make ends meet, how I'll cope with things? Because I seriously don't give that much of a fuck right now. I don't know whether it's because I'm an apathetic douchebag, or because there's nothing to actually worry about, but the fact of the matter is I could feel far more vulnerable than I do currently, even than I did earlier this week when she was really suffering. Am I an asshole for not being concerned? It's not like if my mum dropped dead in five minutes time, I'd be like "oh well" and go back to writing this entry, but I have no trouble sleeping, no concerns with her leaving the house to go somewhere without me—nothing of the sort. I dunno.

I guess I'll just see how things pan out.

Mortality: Gregg the Grim Reaper Is on His Way

Last Monday, as I sat down to eat some yogurt, I saw my mother come back inside the house, having been drinking on the deck outside. Her stumbling made it evident she'd consumed a substantial amount of wine, this intoxication being more frequent as of late. I'd put this down to the fact that she had to change positions at her place of work, this change taking her away from a position she loved so she can clean up the mistakes of others (my mum tells me that a lot of people who work there are either overambitious or just plain lazy, and having worked there myself, I know she isn't making this shit up :P). My mum doesn't get violent or abusive when she's drunk, and I usually don't care because I stay in my room and out of her way, leaving her to dance around and/or talk to herself. However, as I said, the frequency with which this drunkenness occurs has taken a sharp turn upwards, and this worried me.

I let her know that I was concerned, and she promptly defended herself by saying she "needed to forget her troubles" and that she did that through drinking.  I always knew my mum liked to drink, and I've thought to myself in the past that she's technically an alcoholic because she's clearly addicted to alcohol (no matter how little it's affected me), but this was the first time I thought to myself "Wow, you really are an alcoholic". I didn't say this to her, but I'd already made the implication through raising the issue of binging on wine night after night.

My mum then said "I have something to tell you". She then proceeded to tell me she had a serious illness and had anywhere from six months to five years to live.

At this point, I didn't really know how to feel. To be honest, my mum's health hasn't exactly been excellent in the past. I've already highlighted her drinking, but I haven't mentioned her smoking—I don't think it's quite a pack a day, but it's still a substantial amount. This makes it almost no surprise that the illness she spoke of was affecting her respiratory system. That actually made things click for me, because I'd noticed her coughing the same way my maternal grandmother did in her final years, thinking it was only an odd coincidence; though my grandmother neither smoked nor drank heavily, I'd say the two illnesses are rather similar. I asked my mother if there was a cure or something they could do to fix it, only to find out that there wasn't.

I was then told she'd had this illness for around two years; she'd decided not to let me know immediately due to the fact that I was undergoing the HSC at the time. At first, I didn't agree with this decision, but in the end, I understand that my ignorance was for my own good. Given the shit I was going through at the beginning of 2011 (mainly my first break-up, which crushed every positive iota in my body), I wouldn't have taken that news well.

She then became apathetic and nihilistic, saying that it didn't matter if she died. I then asked if she cared what would happen to me if and when she dies, at which point she walked off to the bathroom without answering my question. This frightened me—I thought she was about to commit suicide, her brain having finally snapped, as if she'd now realised that, no, she could not continue this façade of care for me and had to end things here. She closed the bathroom door (albeit only slightly), and asked me to go get her dressing gown. She was on the toilet, so I rushed to her bedroom, grabbed her gown, and jogged back to the bathroom. I stood outside the front door with the gown, listening for the noise of a drawer sliding open, or a door being opened—anything that wasn't the sound of the toilet roll being used or the cistern being flushed. Thankfully, she came out of the bathroom, simply wanting to relieve herself and having no intention to end her life. That was the most nerve-wracking part of this whole thing. I didn't pray to a god or wish for things to happen the way I wanted (that whole 'No atheists in foxholes' thing is bullshit :P); I just stood there waiting for her to do anything other than come out of there alive. After I told her I felt this way, she ensured me at least ten times that she would never ever kill herself; I believe her. She also started to cry upon realising how she'd scared me.

The rest of the discussion was depressing as all fuck, but not for me—I was still trying to figure out what to think and feel. I came to the conclusion midway through this that I wasn't gonna understand this quite yet, realising it was gonna take time for all this to sink in and take full effect. My mum, however, was now alternating between apologising for living her life the way she did while she cried, and telling me she loved me and how she would do anything for me, insisting on her refusal to leave me for any reason apart from death. I tried to reason with her and tell her that she didn't need to apologise for anything, but trying to reason with someone who's drunk and depressed is fucking impossible :P

On an off note, this whole thing right here was the final nail in the coffin for me drinking alcohol. If its consumption makes you this stupid and unreasonable, only serving to complicate matters that are complicated enough as it is, fuck it, I won't touch it. This doesn't mean I don't respect people who drink, nor does it mean I think drinking is amoral; I just don't see a single positive reason to drink, none that outweigh the negatives anyway. My mother was actually the reason I didn't really want to drink alcohol in the first place—her drunk episodes, whilst previously infrequent, were still rather embarrassing, an aspect of her personality I do not wish to emulate. If this failed mindset is the full extent of what drinking can lead to, however, I shall keep away in full.

I digress. She kept telling me about how sorry she was for the decisions she made—living a wild life, the drinking and smoking, even giving birth to me (remember, she's pissed as a parrot, so I'm not taking anything she's saying to heart)—but she was also telling me how she believed in fate, and that "When your time's up, your time's up". It's like 'Well, if you're a determinist and you believe you have no choice in these matters, why are you apologising when it was never your decision in the first place?' But she's inebriated, so logic and reason weren't gonna work here. I just had to bear the grunt and listen to her say the same shit over and over and over, hugging her every time she cried, and saying "I know" every time she said she loves me.

She eventually calmed down a little bit and became more positive, telling me we'd get through this and things would be OK for now. Things have indeed been fine for me lately (though mum is having cramps every night now, putting her in a lot of pain and really fucking with her sleep), but this has been on my mind ever since, just sitting there, leaving me with a whole ton of questions, the most prevalent, of course, being "When?"

For starters, this has got me thinking about my own mortality a little bit. For the past month or so, I've thought a lot about my eating habits, and I've always joked that they'll be the death of me. Thing is, it's true, and I really should start to eat better. I'll leave it to a different entry so I've got some space to explore the issue in detail, but this has made it rather clear that what you put into your body will largely determine how long you walk this earth.

Along with life ending, I've also thought about life beginning, namely children of my own. I honestly still couldn't really give a shit if I have children, but my mother has it in her head that I will have children no matter what. It's not like she's demanding I have kids; she just talks about her grandchildren as if they are a guaranteed occurrence. When she was crying, she kept mentioning how she'd never see her granddaughter, how she'd never get to be a part of her life and stuff. I've told my mum straight (on occasions well before all this happened): I haven't decided whether I want kids yet, and they are not a guarantee. They still aren't. If I meet the woman of my dreams, a woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with and start a family with, then so be it, bring 'em on; but for now, I am undecided, and I cannot be expected to reach a decision on this shit when I am nineteen :P

In addition to this talk, my mum spoke to me last night (sober this time :P) about what will happen when she's gone, or what she fears will happen anyway. She wasn't emotional this time, just a little concerned about some things, namely the fact that she won't be able to provide for me on an emotional level once she's dead. Fiscally, there's no real issue, because I inherit everything and there's enough to keep me going for a while, but my mum fears a void in me that only she can fill, one that will remain empty beyond her death, which could affect me rather severely.

This is what I mean when I say it'll take time for this to sink in: her dying might not get to me, but her death will. I can't rely on anyone else; I will be on my own. I can't trust my family to provide in the same way she did, because whilst they do love me, they don't love me in the same way my mother does. I can't trust my dad because he's a snake and will use the now-motherless house as a sanctuary from his wife and other kid, pretending to care for me just so he can continue being a pussy. As much as I already want to meet a girl more than ever before (something else I'll probably vent about soon :P), this makes me want to have a girlfriend just so when the inevitable happens, whilst I won't have my mother, I'll still have someone I can confide in, someone who I can rely on to comfort me and help me in what will probably be the most difficult time in my life up to that point.

I might write more on this later if more comes up, but for now, this is all I can think of to write. If anyone reading this is concerned, don't be—I am OK, and even though this is obviously on my mind, it's not distressing me, nor is it making me uncomfortable.

Promiscuity: ...Wut's the Big Deal?

I was watching a couple of videos on slut-shaming today, and I haven't really thought too much about it until today, so I felt I'd write a little about what I think of this whole thing.

Of the two videos I watched, one of them was deleted shortly after uploading; it was a response to the video below:

So, onto my views. Being raised an only male child by a single mother in an irreligious household, I guess it's no surprise I ever really held this mentality that girls having sex with a whole bunch of guys was a bad thing. Perhaps I did hold that opinion at one time or another in the past, but I can't remember ever thinking that way. I guess, for those who do think that way, part of it comes from the religious viewpoint that says sex is this dirty vat of temptation and sin which you should enter into as infrequently as possible to avoid corruption. Another angle might be the risk of disease and pregnancy that arises when partaking in sexual encounters with many different people. The thing is, though, when you use logic and reason, as to go through this rationally, the whole concept falls to pieces.

Let's get this straight right off the bat: human beings are animals. We are not above animals; we are animals. We are above lower animals, yes, but we share the same basic needs that they do: food, water, a habitable environment, and sex (once we've matured). Humans are also social creatures with the ability and desire to interact with one another. Having sexual intercourse is one of the ways in which we interact, stimulating each others erogenous zones and having a bond, however short it may be.

So, why would you ever shame a girl who likes dicks inside of her, who like having fun and feeling good through having sexual encounters with lots of men? Da fuk?

Obviously, the first thing we have to cover is the double standard of "It's fine for men to get lots of pussy, but girls riding every dick they see? Big no-no." Many try to use the keyhole metaphor to justify this imbalance, stating "If a key can open a lot of locks, it's a good key; if a lock can get opened by a lot of key, it's a shitty lock."

*sigh* :P

Dicks aren't keys and pussies aren't locks. If a woman's pussy is a lock, then all women's pussies are shitty locks, regardless of the woman's attitude towards sex, because a dick can penetrate anyone's pussy. I can fuck white women, black women, happy women, crying women, three year old women, eighty-three year old women, even dead women—technically, I can fuck any woman on this planet, provided her pussy isn't malformed or decomposed (and I use the word 'can' here in terms of ability, not permission :P). It's a one-size-fits-all system; locking mechanisms are the exact opposite of that :P

Continuing the comparison, a key is operated by a person to unlock things, right? A lock isn't really operated by anyone; it just sits there, preventing unwanted access to whatever it's locking. Whilst men can certainly be more dominant than women in terms of their sexuality, that's not always the case—and when users of this metaphor label promiscuous women 'sluts', they're usually labelling women who themselves are seeking out dick in the first place! Did locks become animatronic all of a sudden?

The metaphor doesn't work because the lock-and-key metaphor ignores key biological and neurological functionality in human beings. Keys and locks aren't sentient. Keys and locks can't get sick. Locks can't get pregnant and give birth to little baby keys and baby locks (though that would be fucking hilarious to watch). It doesn't work that way.

It also brings up the whole purity thing, as if women have something to protect down there, and have been contaminated once they've been fucked, or are dirtier if they fuck a lot. On a physical level, dicks get just as filthy as pussies can when people fuck; and in the broader, metaphorical sense, women ain't got shit to protect down there, not really. They should be careful who they let in there, certainly, but no more careful than men should be when they pick who they allow to play with their cocks.

Now, how about those who say promiscuity increases the risk of contracting an STD, or getting pregnant from/impregnating a stranger? ...um... contraception? Condoms? Morning-after pills? You know, shit that's rather cheap and easy to find in today's modern world? Yes, there are plenty of irresponsible people who sleep around without protection, but they're not sluts; they're idiots. They're dumb motherfuckers and deserve to be called out for being irresponsible, but they're morons because of how they're fucking, not because of how much they're fucking.

Another justification may be that to hook up with people you don't know is dangerous—what if they're a murderer, or a thief, or a rapist? Yeah, well what if the cab driver who drove you to the club was any of those things? What if there was a mass-murdering psychopath sitting up the back of the club, ready to amputate limbs and chop off heads? You take risks wherever you go, and this is no exception—your responsibility to determine whether it's safe or not. The likelihood of this being the case isn't that high anyway.

Are there sluts, though? You bet your ass. The problem lies in either the definition of the word, or the stigma attached to it. If we redefined the word to make slut mean someone who, even by these standards, fucks too much, then it's all good. Cos you can fuck too much—you can eat too much, drink too much, sleep to much, say too much, so you can fuck too much. If you fuck to the point where you can no longer control yourself, constantly seeking out sex to the point where you can't function rationally in society, then you're a slut. If you're dancing with a guy on a dancefloor somewhere, and you just pull down his pants right then and there and start blowing him in front of everyone (whether he likes it or not), you're a slut. If you sit on people and beg them to fuck you even though you don't know who they are, you're a slut. You'd have to be out of your mind to pull that shit; and yes, you should be shamed for it, cos it makes people uncomfortable and puts their sexual health at risk, as well as yours. There is a line; people are just drawing it far to early on the spectrum.

Or, as I said, we could get rid of the stigma attached to being a slut. A comedian by the name of Jim Jefferies sums this up rather well (though I can't find a video that isolates this segment of the performance):

'When I say sluts, I don't mean that as a bad word. I love sluts. I fuckin' need 'em in my life, sluts. They're the best! ... I'll tell you what the difference [between a slut and a 'nice girl'] is. When you [a nice girl] deep-throat a cock, you're doing it because you've seen it in a porn, and you think your boyfriend will enjoy it. When a slut deep-throats a cock, she's doing it because she can't last another second... without a cock bruising the back of her throat. When you've got a cock in your ass, you're thinking "This isn't so bad. I hope he's enjoyed his birthday." When a slut's got a cock in her ass, she's thinking "You know what'd be good? Two cocks in my ass! And you can't learn that! That has to be in your system; that has to be part of you.'

I Swear To God, filmed on the 16th of May 2009

Not that I agree 100% with everything Jefferies says, but all I'm trying to put forth is the notion of "Yeah, you're still a slut, but don't feel bad cos there's nothing wrong with it, and some people will really dig you for it". How such a change in meaning would come about I don't really know, but if blacks could take the word 'nigger', replace the 'er' with an 'a', and turn it into a term of endearment, such a change in meaning is possible. Yes, I know being black isn't a choice even though being a slut is (in this context), but what I'm saying is that removal of the stigma attached to the word isn't beyond all possibility.

I wonder, though, how I'd feel if I was approached by a slut (the traditional 'girl who sleeps around' variety, not the suggested alternatives). Now, granted, any woman approaches me at a party or a club or something, and I'ma be pretty happy face already, cos it will surprise me and validate me rather quickly :P  But let's assume that I've had sex before and the whole premise isn't as shocking as it once was, just for a moment. Let's say a slut walks up to the non-virgin me, and it's a woman I know sleeps with lots of guys. Let's say she's hot too (cos she'd have to be for me to even consider a purely sexual encounter with her :P). How do I react? Would I trust her if she said she didn't have any STD's or anything? Depends, I guess. Would I go for it? I dunno. I'd have to be put in that situation to know for sure. But I can't see myself being all like "Hey slut, wassup? Having a good time, slut? Tell me about the last guy you fucked. Point him out to me; he can't have left already. How many dicks can you fit in your pussy at once? It's gotta be pretty wide by now. Don't tell me it's double-digits; I'll have to call bullshit on that, unless you can prove it!"

What if I became a slut?
...
...
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Not possible :P

Childhood: How Things Have Changed... Kinda

A friend of mine wrote a blog entry on how she played with dolls growing up, and that reminded me of my own childhood, though not cos I ever played with dolls :P  Only time I ever remember playing with dolls was at a friends house—I pretended they were a newly wed couple, and actually made them have sex and give birth right there on the spot, the baby being a fully formed child, no less. My friend just looked at me like I was nuts... and I can't really blame her :P

Being a guy, I obviously got to play with different toys. Lego was the big one for me, loved mah Legos :D  I still have all my Lego, boxes and boxes of it. I have a bit of K'nex and some Meccano too, but Lego was always my favourite. I remember always building things by the instructions first, keeping it that way for a little while, then tearing it down and seeing what else I could build. I also loved getting the flat green plates you could use as platformd to build stuff; I used those to make buildings. I think buildings were my favourite thing to build. I made pyramids, shops, a shuttle launch centre, houses, even apartment buildings (just smaller houses stacked on top of each other with stairs around the edge). I remember I once made an apartment building with fireplaces in each room, meaning I had to make the floor of the 2nd and 3rd stories out of combinations of smaller flat pieces that went around the chimneys—pain in the ass, but still fun.

By the end of my Lego career, I had a whole fucking town built up. Had its own police station (though that was built per instructions), a mansion with a huge backyard, an apartment building, a restaurant, all kinds of stuff. Everyone had their own car, too. Originally, I wasn't too good with cars, mainly sticking to the ones I could make with instructions; but as I got older, I managed to churn out better designs of my own by mixing pieces. I drove people around and had them talk to each other and do stuff. I guess in that way it's kinda like playing with dolls, seeing as I had to make up their personalities and the surroundings they lived in, but the focus was definitely on building stuff. The main family I decided to model after the characters in Donkey Kong 64, seeing as I loved that game so much—strange, but still, at least I was using my imagination.

That's probably the other big part of my childhood: computers and video games. I remember getting our first computer when I was in kindergarten, and getting the internet not long after that. It's strange to think that back then, the computer was like the fridge or the car: there was just one per household, and you had to share it with everyone. At the time, though, it was mostly a novelty; I had no idea that it'd become so important (and I guess by 1999, when we got our first desktop, it was already an important development and I just didn't know at the time).

Our first machine was this big white tower with a white CRT screen. It looked like the ones I used at school, but the operating system was Windows 98, as opposed to the Mac OS they were using at school (can't remember the version, but it was long before OS X came out). I liked to go into the Control Panel and all the settings menus for things, just look around at all the stuff you could do. I made my own desktop backgrounds in paint, usually trying to make a basic 3D building or something to put there. I learned the advanced stuff pretty quickly, too—how to do all the fancy transitions and actions in PowerPoint, how to make user accounts (and change the user type to 'Administrator'—nice try, mum :P), what browser plugins I needed to play certain games, all that stuff.

I was the computer whiz at my primary school. You had a computer problem, you came to me, or you suffered :P  I knew more than anyone else there, even the teachers (bar the guy who ran the server and everything).  It was cool to have that position, to have that one aspect of you that no one could top. Going on a little tangent, but I kinda miss being top shit at all the intellectual things. I was the best with computer by a mile, and I was really good at Maths and English (even taught a Japanese exchange student English, lol). My high school, being academically selective, was full of people who left me for dead in every field I once dominated. No longer was I finishing the work way earlier than usual, nor was I called upon to help with computer problems—it was actually quite depressing and led to a huge decrease in my morale. I remember my Year 6 teacher teaching us about the increased workload in high school; he should have taught us about the fact that we are not special and informed us that we will never be the leaders in those fields we explore :P

Gaming was the other big one for me. I played lots of Lego games on the computer, my first one being Lego Island. The instruction manual was like a comic book, all colourful and full of cool stuff. It even said that you had to have a CD-drive in your computer to play the game—people seriously had no fucking clue back then :P  I used to read instruction manuals like other kids read books: I read them cover to cover, over and over again. I learned a few technical terms from those manuals, like RAM and DirectX, compressed HDD space vs. uncompressed HDD space, all that stuff. A totally nerdy way to burn 5 minutes :P

But back to the games. Beyond Lego Island, there was also Lego Creator (basically a digital Lego box where you could just go ape shit and build anything, complete with dynamite bricks :D), Lego Rock Raiders (more mission based, never beat it), Lego Racers (Lego'd Mario Kart 64, but where you can build your own kart), and Lego Stunt Rally (like Lego Racers, but where you can build your own tracks). They weren't the pinnacle of gaming or anything, but they were charming for their time. I remember in Lego Creator, sometimes when placing a brick, it would glitch out and fly off in one direction, and you had to fight to get it back to where you wanted it—fuck, that got me so mad :P 

There was another PC game I got called Extreme G-2, which was a futuristic racing game a la F-Xero, but I couldn't play it because the computer we had didn't have a 'graphics accelerator' (fancy name for a graphics card). And so we learnt of technological obsolescence :P  I remember the next computer we got was actually able to play it (as well as some of the Lego games mentioned above, which wouldn't work for the same reason), and it was fun, but still frustrating cos it was difficult (at least for a fuckin' eight-year-old :P).

I also got a Gameboy Pocket with Super Mario Land from my Gran not long after we got the first computer, and that was another really fun game. It fascinated me; it was like the computer, but it fit in my hand! What was this voodoo magic? I also eventually got Tetris for it, which was just the shit :P  I originally thought the goal of Tetris was just to build stuff with the blocks, but the game always ended when I did that :/

I eventually got a Gameboy Color too (my Gran must have been lucky cos she kept winning these things at the RSL :P), but the games I got for that weren't too great. I remember I got a Micro Machines racing game which had an eight-player single console Tournament mode... which I would play alone, cos I was lonely like that :P

Most of my gaming memories, however, lie in the Nintendo 64. Oh my God, I fucking love the N64—to this day, it remains my favourite console. I first played it at this thing called After School Care, basically child care for kids whose parents worked and couldn't pick them up from school at 3 pm. I played Mario Party, Mario Kart 64, Pokemon Stadium, Star Wars: Episode I Racer, all kinds of things. Multiplayer was so fun to play back then, and it's still fun playing those games now—nostalgia mixed with decent competitive split-screen action = teh funz. I got really good at Mario Kart 64 and Mario Party, learning all the courses and all the minigames, analysing them and coming up with strategies to beat the others.

The Nintendo 64 was also my first home console, as well as the first console I bought. I saved up half, and mum paid for the other half (I think it was $150 total). First game I got was Diddy Kong Racing, which was pretty good, but a hard son-of-a-bitch at times. The final boss was damn near impossible for me to beat; and even when going back through the game in more recent years, some of the coin challenges were so tricky, requiring almost perfect runs to both collect the eight coins and make it back to the head of the pack before the race finished. Mario Kart 64 was next, but I'd played the shit out of it so I knew that game back-to-front. It was also less fun, seeing as I had to play alone all the time (didn't really have friends over when I had it).

The next two games I got were Donkey Kong 64 and Super Mario 64, the former of which brings back more memories than I can garner. I fucking love that game sooooooo much. Running around the worlds and exploring was incredible back then, and they were all unique. I can still remember their names: Jungle Japes, Angry Aztec, Frantic Factory, Gloomy Galleon, Fungi Forest, Crystal Caves, Creepy Castle and Hideout Helm. Rare had their fucking shit together, man. Playing their other games now and looking back, they had a great design team, and could appeal to kids and adults, a la Pixar. But playing back then was incredible. I remember having to try over and over to climb the machinery in Frantic Factory, and how it took me ages to beat the boss for that level. I remember how there was this spooky temple in Angry Aztec where, after you collected what you had to collect, a low voice would say "GET OUT!", and a crosshair would appear over you with a timer counting down in the top right. That frightened the shit out of me as a kid, and it made me never want to go into that temple again—you had to go into it five times (once with each Kong) to get everything, but it was tooooo scaryyyyy :(  I remember the retro Donkey Kong arcade game they had in it, which you had to beat twice to access the final boss of the full game, but I could only ever beat it once, so the game remained unbeatable for me back then. It was just such a huge game, and I felt so immersed, not to mention proud every time I completed a puzzle or a tricky challenge.

Playing it now, it's still super fun and brings back a lot of memories (it's a game I really wanna Let's Play), but the first time round as a kid, it was incredible. Super Mario 64 didn't make such an impression because I never got that far through it, never making it up to the top of the castle. I did eventually beat that game when I got the DS version, but I never beat the original until later on. A great game, don't get me wrong, but DK 64 has a special place in my heart and always will.

Next was the PS2, which was all kinds of ass-kickage. The first game I got was a Harry Potter game which wasn't much fun; the PS2 demo disc that came with the console was more fun than that, lol. I eventually got decent games, like Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (which I only got cos I saw the 'M' rating, thinking it'd be all violent and stuff, even though it was just skateboarding :P), Need for Speed Underground, The Simpsons Hit & Run, Burnout 3: Takedown and Burnout: Revenge—ggoooood shit :D  I also got Crash Team Racing, Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, and Crash Bash, all great PS1 games. Crash Bash broke when I got it back from someone I lent it to and I just threw it in my bag without putting it in its case—how dumb can you get :P

A really cool thing I had was the EyeToy: basically a primitive version of the Wii's motion sensor technology that involved detecting movement through a camera. The games were simple, but playing with other people was still really fun. Hilarious playing with kids at parties and stuff, very enjoyable :)

I was also introduced to Grand Theft Auto on the PS2, first seeing a friend play Vice City at his house, then scabbing it off him whenever he wasn't playing it. I always played it behind my mum's back, always being vigilant and listening for her footsteps, quickly turning the console off if I heard her coming upstairs. It was so naughty, but still worth the trouble. The same friend gave me a damaged copy of GTA III for me 11th birthday; my mum found that, though, and confiscated it for a while. It sucked that, because the disk was scratched, if you went onto the 2nd or 3rd island, or if you used a police/army vehicle, the game would usually freeze (making missions involving driving cop cars on the 2nd and 3rd islands a right fucking pain in the ass :P). But it was still fun to mess around on the first island without having those issues. I was actually the kind of kid who did the missions. Most kids back then told me they didn't care about the missions and that they just went on rampages, but while I loved to indulge in the odd massacre here and there, I wanted to beat the game and unlock everything. San Andreas was next, and it was just all kinds of awesome, with a bigger map, more violence, more swearing—everything a kid could ever dream of :D  I'd be sitting there, eating my Rice Bubbles, all like "Let's snap, crackle, and pop a cap in this motherfucker!" That game is still pretty fun to play, though the graphics and physics in GTA IV leave it for dead.

Ratchet & Clank was also on the PS2, being such a big thing to me that it's now my namesake. I don't know what it was about those games, but I just loved them to bits. They were so cool to play, not to mention funny. I loved the first one so much that I wrote a walkthrough for it—yeah, I even wrote walkthroughs for games as a kid. They weren't too crash hot, but some people said they were useful, and I guess it was also an early foray into writing and formatting (loved formatting things with a fixed width font, manually making tables and creating titles with ASCII art :D). But R&C was definitely my favourite series back then, by a mile. I even have the entire soundtrack for each game in iTunes, though they're all set to 'skip on repeat', cos otherwise you get a song from R&C every three-to-four songs :P  I remember it taking ages to beat the bosses in each one when I first encountered them, but persisting till I took them down. Good times.

To go beyond here is to go into my adolescence, which I wanna gloss over for a bit, moving to where I am now.

As far as Lego and stuff goes, I don't touch it anymore. I actually think I started to gradually lose my imagination when I gave up Lego, my creativity slowly dwindling as I looked at the things I made (which I refused to take apart, pissing my mum off as there was no room in my wardrobe :P). I like to create things, just not physical structures. Now, I create things like videos, using an editing program to build my creations, working around its limitations, finding new and interesting ways to show what I want to show—so I guess I do build stuff, just not like I used to.

And as for computers, still into that big time, though I question my position there in terms of ability. I love technology, but there are a few people I know who are just so much better at it—you know, coding shit, building websites, making games, that kind of thing. I can't do that stuff. I mean, I'm above average, but I don't know how far above average I really am. Maybe it's just cos I went to an academically selective high school and was just surrounded by smart people who could pick this shit up rather quickly, but I never felt that far ahead technologically. Most people I knew could get by pretty well on their own. I guess I wanna push myself a little farther. For example, I wanna build my own computer from scratch—I've picked out components for a computer I bought and had assembled for me before, but I want the parts to come to me individually so I can put it together (much like I did with Lego back in the day, I suppose).

And as far as gaming goes, I'm not into the newer games too much. I'm not some retro fanboy who's all like "Games were good till the new generation came along and ruined it! >.<", but I prefer older titles, specifically the fifth generation (PS1, N64). I play games from all generations, from the old Super Mario Bros. titles on the NES (loved SMB 3, goddamn that's some good shit right there :D), through to the Donkey Kong Country trilogy on the SNES (again, Rare just nails it), through to the games I missed out on in the N64 days (Perfect Dark, Mario Tennis, Banjo Kazooie), followed by the PS2 titles I grew up with, all the way up to the current generation with my PS3, playing LittleBigPlanet, GTA IV, the newer R&C titles, Red Dead Redemption, that kind of stuff.

I don't get all the new games, though. Like, I couldn't give two fucks about Call of Duty, Battlefield, Gears of War, God of War, Halo, World of Warcraft, League of Legends, Assassin's Creed, not even Minecraft—don't give a shit, man. I prefer me some Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island, or the NES version of Tetris, or Worms (another great multiplayer game I played at After School Care as a kid), or Minesweeper—that's just what I like better. Sometimes, my relative lack of interest in newer gaming makes me think I'm less of a gamer, but that's not true; I just like different games, that's all. Besides, I'm fucking stoked for GTA V (the trailer is just... me wanty right nao but can no has and it makes me sad D:), and I'm really into the Wii U, watching videos going through all its features and stuff, but I love games from all over the spectrum and don't need to buy all the newest titles to get my gaming fix. It also allows me to get to know all about emulation and learn more about how computers and consoles work—the settings for emulators are cool to mess about with to see what they do.

Man, that was way fucking longer than I thought it'd be, lol. My eyes hurt. I need sleep. Ow.

Questions 2: This Time, It's More Personal

This list is a lot more intricate than the last one and has much better questions. There are also questions I can't answer because my life is fucking boring :P  But let's try :)

1. What’s a question you’re afraid to ask? To whom?

I'm afraid to ask people for stuff, like asking for their time/help/advice. If I get the idea to ask any of my friends for any of those things, I usually end up not doing it.

2. What’s something you hide about your personality?

I really don't know. I don't know if I hide anything about my personality, or even try to. I generally don't hide my personality from friends, and it's been that long since I've met new people that I have no clue anymore.

3. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with?

Hmmm... well, sometimes, people think I'm overly sensitive when in online discussions, even though I've exhibited no sensitivity whatsoever and am merely arguing my point unto them. People like that are just plain retarded.

4. How do you deal with criticism?

Pretty poorly, usually. I take things personally too often and can overreact.

5. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Let me be in a relationship with them.

6. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I don't think I've done anything sweet for anybody—unless someone else can answer that question, there's no answer.

7. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Hug me out of the blue.

8. Describe your favourite texture.

The back of a girl's hand—haven't felt it in a while, so I can't quite remember, but it's definitely soft and warm :)

9. Which national or global tragedy were you closest to and how did it affect you?

Never been affected by any national or global tragedies—no natural disasters, no armed conflicts or civil strife, not even the global financial crisis. Our old house was flooded once by flash flooding, but damage was minimal.

10. Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance.

I don't take pictures of anything and I can't draw, nor do I feel up to being a poet at the present time.

11. Which fictional character would you most like to have lunch with and why?

Daria. I'd never get sick of her cynicism with its flat delivery. Never ever.

12. Who would you say is your “anti” role model? Someone who serves as a warning rather than an inspiration?

My dad—he's a fucking coward and I need to be less like him.

13. What’s your least “politically correct” opinion?

I think there should be no such thing as 'swear words' or 'bad words', and that all words should be available for use by anyone at all times. I don't want this ridiculous stigma that (hypothetically) prevents me from saying the word "fuck" to a six year old just because some faggot in a suit said it's wrong. They won't fear the words if you don't insight the fear in the first place, and the definition of a word is set by the words around it. Unfortunately, that makes profane language lose its 'oomph' as it were, so even if it never comes to pass, I still win for knowing the correct way to treat words in a society that mostly doesn't.

14. What kind of underwear do you imagine Sherlock Holmes wears?

...ye-olde underwear?

15. What’s one of the most difficult things you’ve ever had to do?

Whether I had to is somewhat debatable, but I definitely felt the need to apologise to a friend of mine for talking about her in a sexual and intrusive manner on this blog. Took me months to garner the gonads to do it.

16. If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?

One of those ones down the far end that no one remembers.

17. What’s the most infuriating thing your parents (or caregiver) do?

I fucking hate it when my mum smokes around me. She usually does it outside, but when she lights up before she leaves the room, Jesus Christ, it stinks >.<

18. Which Disney Princess do you most identify with and why? Which is your favourite and why? And yes, ANYONE can answer this question.

I haven't seen a Disney movie in that long that I can't even remember who the princesses are, lol. Who do we got... Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, Jasmine, Ariel, and some others who escape my mind. I don't identify with any of them too closely, but I'm probably closest to Jasmine, wanting to avoid control from authority, be independent and whatnot.

19. You’re an action movie hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?

Well, if I could pick anything and know that I'd be awesome with the weapon, the practical side of me would go for dual-wielding Micro-Uzis or having an AK-47, just so I could have a bog-standard gun that I could kick anyone's ass with. That's generic, though.

For style, I'd go around with an Ethernet cable, using it as a whip/lasso, and choking people to death with it, slowly eliminating enemies of a free and open Internet. After a long chase through Parliament House, and a one-on-one brawl with Stephen Conroy, I'd have him trapped right in front of a window. Even though it's totally cheesy, as I tightened the cable around his fragile little neck, I'd be all like "You just got blacklisted!" or "404: life not found!" or "You're gonna be experiencing some technical difficulties!" Man, it doesn't matter what the pun is, the context just makes it lame :P

20. What’s the silliest fan theory you’ve ever come up with?

I've never given that much of a fuck about the speculative canon of any movie/TV show/novel/book/video game.

21. What did you think about before you fell asleep last night?

Last night as actually one of the first nights I've had in a while where I've just fallen asleep as soon as I went to bed. Usually, though, I think about either being with a girl, or visualising some ridiculous action movie scene I've made up to go with whatever song I'm listening to.

22. What’s the oddest term of endearment you’ve ever used or that someone’s used for you?

My uncle who lives interstate always called me 'Brain' when I was a kid.

23. What motivates you in life?

Having a girl to set my sights on, as well as comedy. Laughing at stuff never fails to cheer me up, always makes me want to write and perform my own comedy :)

24. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?

I used to really enjoy watching movies, like, really enjoy it, but for some reason, they usually end up boring me now, no matter what they are. If I'm watching with friends, it's a different story, but I don't watch films on my own now cos I just get bored. It's gotta be super-duper exciting to keep my attention.

25. How do you think you will fare when the zombie apocalypse arrives?

I will die begging for sex from any woman I could find. I'm fucked anyway because I have no survival instinct and am way too picky about my eating and everything, so I might as well just get as much pussy as I can before I get ravaged.

26. Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? And if you could be any mythological creature, which would you want to be? Why?

I'm most like Bigfoot (though my existence is not questioned :P). I'm alone most of the time and I stay in my own environment, never leaving.

As for what I'd like to be, I went through the list of mythological creatures on Wikipedia and found one called 'Giant Penguin'. Fuck yes.

27. Write a brief story about an actual adventure you’ve had.

Haven't really had an adventure.

28. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.

Calling up a girl I asked out (after she said no) to apologise for putting pressure on her by asking her out in the first place. Cue an hour-long tirade of awkward questions, uninteresting responses (on my part), and fifteen second pauses, topped off by my complete failure to actually do what I called to in the first place and apologise (which is silly enough in and of itself, lol). I have never been comfortable making phone calls since.

29. What’s something that scares you about the future?

The fact that I will fuck up and do things wrong. Also the possibility of ending up alone or without experiences to look back on.

30. List 5 quirky things about yourself.

1. I have phimosis (an overgrown foreskin).

2. I (somehow) live off chips, crackers, biscuits, chocolate, lollies, yoghurt, custard, pureé apple, breadsticks, water, and iced coffee. I eat neither meat nor fresh fruit/vegetables.

3. I always get water from the bathroom sink rather than the kitchen sink. I swear, it tastes better.

4. I use my fingernails and toenails as toothpicks, chewing on them and stuff (they're clean and it's my own body so why not :P).

5. I do stand-up comedy in front of hundreds of strangers with no issue, but I'm also shit scared of talking to people I don't know (they're not the same, though, as much as others beg to differ :P).

31. Describe your dream library.

Every piece of comedy paraphernalia in the world would be there, organised chronologically. Texts examining all religious dogmas would be available, as well as rich volumes on the sciences and language. Also a computer terminal with Tetris so I could bludge.

32. What’s the weirdest item you’ve ever mourned?

I don't... mourn items... >.>

33. If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?

I'd have a rollercoaster where the track was just a metal tube which was all twisted and had loops and corkscrews everywhere. The car would be a flexible hollow cylinder that went around the tube, and people would get in the car and be standing in all different directions (some would be sideways, some upside down, but all facing forwards, the same way rollercoaster would travel). The coaster would then twist, turn and rotate around the tube as it went along the track. If that exists already, I wanna see it.

34. Do you have any “rules” about food?

Yes, the weird-ass ones described previously.

35. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

If you can give informed consent and your partner can too (in all aspects, not just sexual ones), go for it.

36. What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?

Not sure how embarrassed I'd be to tell someone else this (would ultimately depend on the someone else I'm telling :P), but I wanna have sex within the confines of a high school, either the one I went to or the one my partner went to. I don't mean breaking into one of the buildings; I just mean somewhere outside. I'd opt for when it was closed so we could just climb over the fence, find a spot away from prying eyes, and fuck without worrying about being caught. I just think it's just naughty, lol.

37. Describe a time/event in your life that you’re nostalgic for.

I like the time when I first asked Sally out, or the time I just started going out with my ex, and I had butterflies in my stomach all the fucking time ^_^

38. How do you approach social situations?

By hiding in the corner and eventually running away.

39. What is your ideal bed? Why?

Um... one that's... comfortable? Maybe a double bed with my partner in it? Or just the double bed on its own so I could spread out, that's equally good.

40. Post a short excerpt of your life.

The day before answering this question list, I played Megaman, Super Mario Bros. 3 and Tetris; watched videos criticising religious fanaticism and radicalism; and edited my own video where I created the arcade game Snake and time-lapsed it. I will play more games, watch more videos, and work on more of my own projects tomorrow, and for a long while after that, until I get my ass out of this house and meet some people who get me out of the house on a more regular basis.

There, doneskis. Need to find more lists like this with decent questions.

Party Time: Still Smacking Myself Upside the Head with a Lead Pipe

So I went to a friend's birthday party last night. I was a little anxious going into it—I'm still a little confused as to why that was. I guess I feared people pressuring me to eat normal food or getting on my case for shit that happened a year ago, but reason was in the background the whole time going "Seriously, dude, you're getting worried over nothing." And indeed I was, cos none of that happened and I had lots of fun :)  I got to talk to a few people, didn't back out of any situations due to fear, and didn't exclude myself from the group. The only crappy thing that happened was the later stages of a game of King Mao where the king came up with a pretty clever rule that I couldn't get, and I wasn't willing to take a stab at the pattern myself, confidence fleeting as I tried to work out the relation between the cards played and the penalties given. That wasn't a social thing though, more of an internalised ego-attack where I'm like "But I'm supposed to be good at patterns! Fuck you King Mao goddamnit I hate you all >.<", and I got over it fairly quickly. That was the closest I got to awkwardness, though; the rest was all gud and I had many funz :D

Got me thinking about a few things though. Firstly, the whole gift-and-card-giving thing. I usually feel shitty for putting money in cards, cos it's a pretty blunt way of saying "I have no confidence in my knowledge of your tastes to risk buying you something. Go buy whatever you want—this thing's valid everywhere :)". But the fact of the matter is that I don't know what this girl has/doesn't have and I can't pinpoint her taste—the fuck does she even want? No clue. It also obviously a pretty clear indicator of laziness, but I'm notorious for laziness and people should know that by now :P

I look at it differently: the way I see it, people showing up to my party is a gift in and of itself. That's not some some hippy mentality being used as a cover-up for an underlying superiority complex; I'm serious. Someone took time out of their day to hang with me, and I appreciate that, cos it's rare I get to do that. That's honestly all I need. I don't see my birthday as a time to be expecting presents to be given to me. I appreciate gifts—I'm not gonna be like "Jeez, way to assume I'm materialistic and everything, arsehole >.<"—but it doesn't mean as much to me as that person's presence (if you'll pardon the pun—my gift to you :P). If you're gonna spend your time on something, don't waste it wondering what I like; I find that illogical. Use that time to do something constructive. If you see something perchance that you'll think I like, cool, lucky you (and lucky me, too); but don't waste time umming and erring over something as silly as a gift, browsing stores and worrying that I won't like what you get me. Wanna give me something? Money's the best choice to me, cos I can pool it together and buy whatever I like, a collective gift, if you will. No effort on your part, no hassle, no bullshit, no hard feelings, no nothing. And again, I don't expect to be given money, nor anything else. People just tend to want to give you something on your birthday, and my thought is "If I want something, I'll ask for it; and if I don't ask for it, it's unreasonable to expect it."

Unfortunately, birthday cards aren't any easier. Most cards at the newsagent just don't say what I want them to say—this miss the mark on so many counts. Like, a lot of the more girly cards say "thinking of you": last time I said I was thinking of this girl, I got into fucking trouble (and rightfully so :P). Too creepy, man. Then they get all cutesy with things like "hope you have a sweet and wonderful birthday" or "may you get all your birthday wishes and have amazing day!"—horseshit :P  Yes, I'd like her to have a good birthday, but you may as well have a card that says:

"I really want you to have a good birthday... I really want it... like, I really want it... I want it more than anything in the world... if you don't have a good birthday, oh my, I'll be so disappointed... my lifelong dream, crushed after all this time! You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Would you!? Please say no. Please, please have a good birthday. It's all I want, I swear. For the love of Christ, don't let me down! Just have a good birthday! I need you to enjoy it! Please, dear God, just fulfil this one wish of mine! I'll be forever grateful!"

Yeesh :P  And don't get me started on the 'funny' cards. There's "it's so bad that it's good", then there's "it's so bad that Hallmark decided to sell it for five bucks a pop". The quality of the puns just offends me—comedians have feelings too, you know :'(

I prefer cards that are made by the person giving it to me in the first place. Those cards are awesome because, again, the person put their time into something constructive, complete with their own personal touch. A part of them is in that card; it's a representation of their care and friendship. Again, not that I don't care at all for storebought cards—you still got off your ass and got me something—but a homemade card means more to me. And again (really wanting to make this shit as clear as possible :P), I am not expecting everyone (or even anyone) who gives me a birthday card to make their own personalised one; I just think it's super cool when I get a personalised card cos it's special and unique. I wanna get into the habit of doing it myself—I'm not exactly pro with arts and crafts, but I can still write something witty inside, my own way of saying "I made this for you specifically, cos I want you, not Hallmark, to be happy face on your birthday :)"

This birthday shit can turn awfully political and anti-consumerist pretty quickly, lol. This is just my opinion on it, and I don't wanna try to legislate how people should think about their own birthdays. This is just my take on it. It's an arbitrary celebration anyway, given that personal development doesn't happen in yearly increments, but gradually as you get older. Turning sixteen didn't make me go "Man, you know what I'm totally capable of reasoning with right now? Sexual intercourse. I have all this consent that's all... informed and stuff. I just feel so responsible right now, way more than I did yesterday!"

As for the party itself, as I said, I had a good time. I hadn't seen a lot of these people in a fair while so it was good to see them again. Seeing as it was pretty much all people I knew, and there was no alcohol nor (seemingly mandatory) dancing, so it was 'easy' on the difficulty scale. I know can tackle stuff like this, so I now know I might be willing to be in an environment with more strangers, or one that's a little more off the chain, slowly making social progress.

I'm still doing really stupid things, though, not at events like these, but afterwards, when I get home. I woke up at about 12 pm on the day of this party, so I knew I'd be up late. When I got home, I just messed around on my computer, played Sudoku, trying to figure out the new YouTube layout (seriously, the designers are fucking sadists), then I went to bed. When trying to get to sleep, I kept thinking about the other people at the party and comparing myself to them. "This person is in a relationship and I'm not; this person is now at their second party of the week whereas I can't remember the last party I went to; this person eats normally and I don't; this person's going overseas and doing that myself would scare me." It's like "Give yourself a break, you numbskull! You just went out and had fun—why are you now ruining it by focusing on every negative thing you can possibly think of?"

The weird thing is that I do that after social events quite often. I remember doing it the night after the last time I met up with friends, even feeling the need to vent. Why do I do that? Maybe it's cos I'm otherwise apathetic towards these things, not really thinking about them that much until I'm exposed to them, where it's like "Oh yeah, all this stuff I don't have and don't do... :( ". In any case, it sucks, and I have got to find a way to not do that every time I come home from a party or anything else.

And let's think about it: there could easily be people who see me on stage and go "Wow. How the fuck could anyone get up there and just... talk to all these strangers? I wish I could do that :( ". Public speaking is a huge fear for most people, but me? Scary before I go on stage, sure, but once I'm out there, it's a fuckin' cakewalk. But if I tried to explain it to people, it'd be like "What's there to explain? You just go out there and do it. No visualising people in their underwear, or pretending everyone's your friend, or anything—you just do it." Tell someone that, and they'd just stare at you as if to say "Well how is that supposed to help me?" It's not something you can teach; it's something you learn to cope with through experience; and in some ways, some people are just better suited to it than others due to their inherent skillsets. In that same way, how good I am as a social creature isn't something I can measure by comparing myself to other people like this, nor should I attempt to improve this aspect of myself by merely mirroring what other's do. I have to come to it on my own, finding my own way there by creating and progressing towards my own goals.