Party Time: Still Smacking Myself Upside the Head with a Lead Pipe

So I went to a friend's birthday party last night. I was a little anxious going into it—I'm still a little confused as to why that was. I guess I feared people pressuring me to eat normal food or getting on my case for shit that happened a year ago, but reason was in the background the whole time going "Seriously, dude, you're getting worried over nothing." And indeed I was, cos none of that happened and I had lots of fun :)  I got to talk to a few people, didn't back out of any situations due to fear, and didn't exclude myself from the group. The only crappy thing that happened was the later stages of a game of King Mao where the king came up with a pretty clever rule that I couldn't get, and I wasn't willing to take a stab at the pattern myself, confidence fleeting as I tried to work out the relation between the cards played and the penalties given. That wasn't a social thing though, more of an internalised ego-attack where I'm like "But I'm supposed to be good at patterns! Fuck you King Mao goddamnit I hate you all >.<", and I got over it fairly quickly. That was the closest I got to awkwardness, though; the rest was all gud and I had many funz :D

Got me thinking about a few things though. Firstly, the whole gift-and-card-giving thing. I usually feel shitty for putting money in cards, cos it's a pretty blunt way of saying "I have no confidence in my knowledge of your tastes to risk buying you something. Go buy whatever you want—this thing's valid everywhere :)". But the fact of the matter is that I don't know what this girl has/doesn't have and I can't pinpoint her taste—the fuck does she even want? No clue. It also obviously a pretty clear indicator of laziness, but I'm notorious for laziness and people should know that by now :P

I look at it differently: the way I see it, people showing up to my party is a gift in and of itself. That's not some some hippy mentality being used as a cover-up for an underlying superiority complex; I'm serious. Someone took time out of their day to hang with me, and I appreciate that, cos it's rare I get to do that. That's honestly all I need. I don't see my birthday as a time to be expecting presents to be given to me. I appreciate gifts—I'm not gonna be like "Jeez, way to assume I'm materialistic and everything, arsehole >.<"—but it doesn't mean as much to me as that person's presence (if you'll pardon the pun—my gift to you :P). If you're gonna spend your time on something, don't waste it wondering what I like; I find that illogical. Use that time to do something constructive. If you see something perchance that you'll think I like, cool, lucky you (and lucky me, too); but don't waste time umming and erring over something as silly as a gift, browsing stores and worrying that I won't like what you get me. Wanna give me something? Money's the best choice to me, cos I can pool it together and buy whatever I like, a collective gift, if you will. No effort on your part, no hassle, no bullshit, no hard feelings, no nothing. And again, I don't expect to be given money, nor anything else. People just tend to want to give you something on your birthday, and my thought is "If I want something, I'll ask for it; and if I don't ask for it, it's unreasonable to expect it."

Unfortunately, birthday cards aren't any easier. Most cards at the newsagent just don't say what I want them to say—this miss the mark on so many counts. Like, a lot of the more girly cards say "thinking of you": last time I said I was thinking of this girl, I got into fucking trouble (and rightfully so :P). Too creepy, man. Then they get all cutesy with things like "hope you have a sweet and wonderful birthday" or "may you get all your birthday wishes and have amazing day!"—horseshit :P  Yes, I'd like her to have a good birthday, but you may as well have a card that says:

"I really want you to have a good birthday... I really want it... like, I really want it... I want it more than anything in the world... if you don't have a good birthday, oh my, I'll be so disappointed... my lifelong dream, crushed after all this time! You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Would you!? Please say no. Please, please have a good birthday. It's all I want, I swear. For the love of Christ, don't let me down! Just have a good birthday! I need you to enjoy it! Please, dear God, just fulfil this one wish of mine! I'll be forever grateful!"

Yeesh :P  And don't get me started on the 'funny' cards. There's "it's so bad that it's good", then there's "it's so bad that Hallmark decided to sell it for five bucks a pop". The quality of the puns just offends me—comedians have feelings too, you know :'(

I prefer cards that are made by the person giving it to me in the first place. Those cards are awesome because, again, the person put their time into something constructive, complete with their own personal touch. A part of them is in that card; it's a representation of their care and friendship. Again, not that I don't care at all for storebought cards—you still got off your ass and got me something—but a homemade card means more to me. And again (really wanting to make this shit as clear as possible :P), I am not expecting everyone (or even anyone) who gives me a birthday card to make their own personalised one; I just think it's super cool when I get a personalised card cos it's special and unique. I wanna get into the habit of doing it myself—I'm not exactly pro with arts and crafts, but I can still write something witty inside, my own way of saying "I made this for you specifically, cos I want you, not Hallmark, to be happy face on your birthday :)"

This birthday shit can turn awfully political and anti-consumerist pretty quickly, lol. This is just my opinion on it, and I don't wanna try to legislate how people should think about their own birthdays. This is just my take on it. It's an arbitrary celebration anyway, given that personal development doesn't happen in yearly increments, but gradually as you get older. Turning sixteen didn't make me go "Man, you know what I'm totally capable of reasoning with right now? Sexual intercourse. I have all this consent that's all... informed and stuff. I just feel so responsible right now, way more than I did yesterday!"

As for the party itself, as I said, I had a good time. I hadn't seen a lot of these people in a fair while so it was good to see them again. Seeing as it was pretty much all people I knew, and there was no alcohol nor (seemingly mandatory) dancing, so it was 'easy' on the difficulty scale. I know can tackle stuff like this, so I now know I might be willing to be in an environment with more strangers, or one that's a little more off the chain, slowly making social progress.

I'm still doing really stupid things, though, not at events like these, but afterwards, when I get home. I woke up at about 12 pm on the day of this party, so I knew I'd be up late. When I got home, I just messed around on my computer, played Sudoku, trying to figure out the new YouTube layout (seriously, the designers are fucking sadists), then I went to bed. When trying to get to sleep, I kept thinking about the other people at the party and comparing myself to them. "This person is in a relationship and I'm not; this person is now at their second party of the week whereas I can't remember the last party I went to; this person eats normally and I don't; this person's going overseas and doing that myself would scare me." It's like "Give yourself a break, you numbskull! You just went out and had fun—why are you now ruining it by focusing on every negative thing you can possibly think of?"

The weird thing is that I do that after social events quite often. I remember doing it the night after the last time I met up with friends, even feeling the need to vent. Why do I do that? Maybe it's cos I'm otherwise apathetic towards these things, not really thinking about them that much until I'm exposed to them, where it's like "Oh yeah, all this stuff I don't have and don't do... :( ". In any case, it sucks, and I have got to find a way to not do that every time I come home from a party or anything else.

And let's think about it: there could easily be people who see me on stage and go "Wow. How the fuck could anyone get up there and just... talk to all these strangers? I wish I could do that :( ". Public speaking is a huge fear for most people, but me? Scary before I go on stage, sure, but once I'm out there, it's a fuckin' cakewalk. But if I tried to explain it to people, it'd be like "What's there to explain? You just go out there and do it. No visualising people in their underwear, or pretending everyone's your friend, or anything—you just do it." Tell someone that, and they'd just stare at you as if to say "Well how is that supposed to help me?" It's not something you can teach; it's something you learn to cope with through experience; and in some ways, some people are just better suited to it than others due to their inherent skillsets. In that same way, how good I am as a social creature isn't something I can measure by comparing myself to other people like this, nor should I attempt to improve this aspect of myself by merely mirroring what other's do. I have to come to it on my own, finding my own way there by creating and progressing towards my own goals.