New Territory

So things are going really well with this girl I'm seeing. I don't want to delve into detail cos to do so would be to disrespect her privacy, but I'm just amazed at how well it's going. It's crazy. Whenever we talk, what feels like 15 minutes ends up being an hour. Being around her is never not fun. So far, this whole thing has been a whirlwind of awesome :D

While I have dated before, the time since I last did id (4.5 years) has meant I've had to relearn a lot of things I previously knew how to do. Like, my first kiss was my ex, but when I kissed this new girl, it was... weird :P  I was missing her mouth, biting her lip, all kinds of dumb shit :P  Turned out I was kissing her like I kissed my ex, and she just had a totally different kissing style. We eventually got used to each other's style, which was good, but that then lead to, you know... more kissing. Like, lots of kissing in a row. That's been totally new ground for me, something I'm not used to. I didn't give my girlfriend anything more than singular kisses when she showed up/left--there's a bit more involved this time around :P  Now that we've gotten used to each other, it feels great, but I'm sure there'll be many more things I have to learn along the way here.

Speaking of totally new ground, we've started talking a little more... intimately. Sex is something I never talked about with my ex; it was just never an issue. And, again, while I don't want to dive into detail and extrapolate on what we've been talking about, I will say that it's exciting as all hell. It's liberating, being able to be honest with someone about how you feel about them sexually. I could never have said any of these things to my ex without making her feel frightened; but now, it's in the open, and I don't have to worry about offending the girl's sensibilities. As new as it is, I think I'm catching on pretty fast, though sometimes I am caught off-guard by things she says (and even things I say, now and again). It was a little odd at first, when the flirting got a little more intense and those intimate questions started being asked, cos hearing a woman talk about her feelings for me like that wasn't something I'd ever experienced. But it's developed into something sexy and fun, something I initiate as often as she does. Part of me wonders if it'll always be this thrilling, or if I'll just get used to it (kind of like how I got used to cuddling my ex), but I'll have to wait and see.

I'm just so happy this is all happening. It was so blasé, being told "oh, you'll find someone eventually" or "she's out there somewhere" or whatever other bullshit, but I guess there was probably going to be some truth to it. Part of me fears waking up and realising it's all a dream; part of me thinks "something's gonna go wrong, just you wait"; part of me questions everything I say to and do with her, wondering about what she infers from it all. But most of me is cheerful, excited, and satisfied. The pessimism surrounding the whole "something's gonna go wrong" thing is a little annoying, cos I keep wondering if and when this is all gonna end, and that's a horrible thought to have. The fact of the matter is that, clearly, neither one of us wants this to end just yet, so who cares? I have to just enjoy it for what it is and what it becomes. And by the looks of it, it's gonna become something pretty fantastic :)

Not gonna say anything more for now, even though there are other things I could talk about. Maybe later.

Date: The First of (Hopefully) Many

So I went out with that girl.

Holy shit. It was awesome :D

I really don't want to delve into explicit detail; I do not believe this is the best place to do that. I won't go into a step-by-step as to what happened and how each segment went (and even if I wanted to, I couldn't, cos I don't really know how to divvy it up into little bits). But I will say that even though I figured it'd go pretty well, it still managed to surpass my expectations. There was almost nothing that went wrong. I was never uncomfortable, and I was pushing my boundaries without even trying. Every time we meet up, I get more confident about this thing going somewhere, and this was the biggest boost by far.

For starters, we went to the spot at 1:30pm. We got there, and we talked, and we ordered our food, and we talked, and the food came, so we ate and talked, then we finished eating but kept talking, and we talked and we talked, and we talked and talked and talked, and we talked, and we talked, and we talked some more. By the time one of us had the presence of mind to go "oh, what time is it?", it was 5:00pm. We were there for three-and-a-half hours. It felt like one-and-a-half hours, two tops. It was insane how fast the time went. I did notice people coming and going (I could see the entrance to the of the venue), but it still didn't feel like we were there for that long. And for that three-and-a-half hours, there was hardly a second of awkwardness. It was comfortable for both of us the entire time, save for the odd silence here and there (but we were both at least a little nervous, so that's to be expected). That fact alone made me go "wow, it is really fun spending time with her, and clearly she reciprocates cos she was surprised too".

Secondly, I somehow—some-fucking-how—managed to compliment her appearance in what is probably the smoothest thing I have ever done. This indicates to me the sheer level of comfort I was in, cos I never say anything about a woman's appearance for fear of offending them, yet I took this and just fucking ran with it cos it was such a perfect opportunity. Again, I don't want to get into too much detail here, mainly cos it'd violate her privacy. But basically, she works in retail, and one day, she was given a customer appraisal. She scored perfect marks in all but one section, where the comment read 'this employee wasn't very attractive'. Obviously, the first thing I did was state (as she already had) how utterly ridiculous that is. Like, seriously? The fuck kind of critique is that? I don't… what? What? It goes without saying how irrelevant that is. But after that, I was like "and secondly, such bad taste! Such. Bad. Taste! I mean, come on!", gesturing towards her face. And every fucking neuron in my brain froze to see the reaction, each one equally shocked that, yes, I just said that.

She blushed, looked down, and said she was a little embarrassed (in an adorable "oh stop it, you!" way).

"Oh my god did I just compliment a woman on her appearance and not totally fuck everything up? I think I did. I think that is exactly the thing that just happened."

My neurons are still partying over that success :P I don't mean to brag about it too much—I just saw an opportunity and took it, cos it was too good to pass up—but I was proud that I did something I would never otherwise consider doing, and that there was no hesitation when I did it. I knew exactly what to do the moment she finished telling me the story about her appraisal, and went through with it on the fly. My limits are almost getting too easy to push at this point. In addition, I genuinely do think she's super cute, and I wanted her to know that, and now she does :)

On a final note, we have so many more similarities than I previously thought. We like the same things, we dislike the same things, we have the same feelings during similar experiences—we just relate on fucking everything. Anytime I thought we were out of similarities, another one would come about. The amount of times one of us said "me too!" or "I can totally relate to that" or "I'm exactly the same in [a particular situation]" or some equivalent… too many to count.

I can't believe how well this is going. No matter what happens, I'm continuing to say "hey, you're not out of the woods yet, don't jump the gun, don't assume anything", etc., but I'm only trying to avoid setting myself up for failure, seeing as I've done it before. Even with that cautionary mindset, though, I'm more confident than ever now that this will go somewhere. This girl is amazing to be around, and I really want to spend more time with her over the uni break. I wanna go places with her, play games with her, have her meet my friends, meet her friends—so many things I wanna do!

I just wish these fucking assessments would go away. Ugh. You should take a page out of this girl's book, assessments. Be fun! Be interesting! You're all awful.

Soooo...

I can finally talk about that thing I’ve been saying I can’t talk about! Finally! It’s actually two things, but I'm only gonna talk about one of them in any real depth. The rest shall come in time.

So, a fair while ago (I don't even remember when), a friend of mine told me about this girl she knew at work. She was described as shy and nerdy, leading the two of us to joke about me going out with this girl, given it seemed so plausible in theory. I was told about a few of her interests, none of which really clicked with me, but she was definitely a geek, so I knew there could be other things she liked which I’d be into as well. That said, I didn’t put much more thought into the situation afterwards, thinking of it as nothing but a joke.

At some point, I went into my friend’s work, and was told after I went home that the girl was seen looking at me, my friend believing this girl had some kind of crush on me. Upon hearing that, I thought to myself “well, hang on… maybe this could actually be a thing. I already have reason to believe she likes me—nothing to lose, right?” So I figured I’d pursue the girl and see where it went.

To test the waters, I got my friend to ‘accidentally’ buy an extra ticket for a stand-up competition I was entering, to see if she liked my material. I figured if she didn’t enjoy my performance, she wouldn’t enjoy me as a person. I’d also get to see what she looked like, and I might get to talk to her in person at some point during the evening. It was basically intel-gathering all around :P

I didn’t see the girl until the interval, which directly followed my performance—pretty good timing considering I also rocked the house that night (I did way better than I thought I would). I went into the audience when the interval started, seeing my friend and the girl sitting together in the front row. I walked over, was congratulated by the group, then my friend conveniently gets up and leaves, obviously so the girl and I can chat in peace.

But, what’s that I hear in the distance? “Yo dude, that was awesome!”

Another friend I’d invited, sitting somewhere totally different in the audience, came up and started talking to me. Now, if I were a smart man, I’d have at least tried to include the girl in the conversation, perhaps by introducing her to my friend and vice-versa. I am not a smart man. I am not a smart man at all. What did I do? I just talked to my friend! I just left this poor girl sitting there, clearly wanting to talk to me, but being unable to cos she’s shy and she had no idea who the other guy was, thus not wanting to butt in. You’d think for all the complaining I’ve done about being left out of group conversation, I’d know how it feels and extend a helping hand. But nope: I’m a fucking idiot. Oh well, no harm done.

Though I didn’t get to speak to the girl, I at least got to see what she looked like. To be honest, though, I wasn’t really blown away or anything. Her combination of features just wasn’t clicking with me, you know? In spite of that, however, I thought “I should still give her a chance. My first girlfriend didn’t click with me physically until I really got to know her. Maybe it’ll be the same this time round”.

That in mind, I decided I would ask her out. I couldn’t wait for her to ask me out, cos we had no contact other than through my friend, and even if we did, she’s shy, so she wouldn’t have made the first move anyway. This meant I was gonna have to ask her out at her work. All things considered, this was a weird situation, quite different from all the other times I’ve asked girls out (all three of them :P). It wasn’t just because I was gonna have to ask her out at work; it was due to the fact I was asking a girl out not because I had feelings for her, but because she had feelings for me. The fact there existed a girl with feelings for me was weird enough in and of itself, but this was doubly weird.

I went in with my friend one Friday hoping to ask her out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, even though I kind of already knew she was gonna say ‘yes’. At first, it was because I didn’t want to interrupt her while she was working (it’s always busy where she works), but I procrastinated too much and left it too late. Having lost the will to do it, I went home, but vowed to return the next week to do it for realzies. I knew I’d have to go in super-early, to catch her before she started working, leaving me without any excuses to make (cos we all know how good at making excuses I am :P)



Here’s where things get fuckin’ weird. Now, remember: I’ve already committed to asking this girl out. I’ve already decided that’s what I’m gonna do. And yet, this thing happened. And you’ll know exactly what the fuck it is before you get past the next paragraph :P

The Monday after my first ‘attempt’ at asking the girl out, I’m in a lecture for one of my classes. I’m sitting directly opposite the projector screen. But there are also seats facing 90° to the left and to the right; in one of those seats sits a random girl (if you have not guessed what’s gonna happen, please hit yourself, because you deserve to feel pain for being such a moron).

Now, at first, I start checking this girl out, but only because I think she’s a girl I already know from somewhere else. Incidentally, this girl I know is one I find quite sexy, even though I'm fairly sure she wouldn't reciprocate :P  Thing is, that girl doesn’t go to our uni; I know for a fact she's enrolled elsewhere. But from the side, this random girl in my class looked identical to that girl I know. She had the same skin colour, same build, same hair—it looked just like her. But I couldn’t see her face because she was in front of me, her head turned to face the projector screen, so I was unable to confirm her identity. I was confused as all hell, but I kept looking for anything—anything—that would clear this up (and, you know... cos teh hotness :P). I thought “it looks like her, but can’t be her… but it also could be her. Maybe she’s on some weird exchange program or something. But why would she come here? For this class? This isn’t an exotic subject, or even an interesting subject. It can’t be her… but it looks so much like her that I don’t see how it can be anyone else!” To top it all off, the topic for the class was knowledge: more specifically, if and when people can actually know things. MIND. FUCK.

Anyway, after class was over and people were leaving the room, I trailed behind the girl. When passing through the classroom door, she tried to put the little door-stopper thing in the door (but totally failed, as has everyone who has ever fucking tried :P). In doing so, she turned around, and I got a glimpse of her face: it was not the girl I though it was, or any other girl I already knew. It was some totally different girl.

Some totally different, totally cute, totally hot… girl…

Do you see the conundrum? I hope you do :P

I went home that afternoon feeling a happiness I hadn’t felt in a while—not in terms of volume, but in terms of category. I hadn’t had that feeling when looking at a girl for at least a year, and there it was, all over again. I didn’t even know anything about this girl from class, but I wanted to pursue her, even though I knew my chances were slim, and even though I knew I had this other commitment with the girl I met through my friend.



For the sake of simplicity, from this point onwards, girl from friend’s work = Girl A, girl from class = Girl B

It didn’t take me too long to figure out what to do. I knew full well that if Girl A was right for me, it’d become apparent when we went out and got to know each other, making Girl B irrelevant, as… tantalising as she was :P  So, even with Girl B in the picture, I still had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I thought “if it works out with Girl A, cool, I can see where things go with that. If it doesn’t work out with Girl A, no biggie: I can pursue Girl B instead, and I could still make a new friend out of Girl A anyway”. It was also a matter of 'first come, first served': I'd already committed to asking Girl A out, so I felt it would be wrong not to honour that commitment.

I went into Girl A’s work again later that week and asked her out before she started working (though I did stand there shaking like a nervous wreck for the five minutes she spent solving problems for other people before ‘officially’ beginning work). She figured I wanted to speak to her, seeing as I was hanging around her desk at a place I didn’t work at :P I asked if she’d like to go out to lunch with me, and she accepted. We exchanged numbers, and I told her I’d meet her at work so we could walk to the spot together. I was so nervous that my voice went all crackly and quiet when talking to her, so I knew that if I asked any girls out in the future, Girl B in particular, I’d have to work on my verbal confidence. That aside, I walked home feeling pretty happy about the fact that I’d asked the girl out, seeing as I hadn’t done that in a while.

I went back to the girl's work later that day to meet up with her. While waiting outside, anxiety crept into my system, making a rather permanent nest in my stomach. This wasn't anything to do with Girl B, but rather due to a simple analysis of what had happened with Girl A thus far. I knew what she looked like, and that didn't click with me; I knew some of her interests, and that didn't click with me either. All that was really left was to experience her one-on-one. It all came down to how she was as a person to talk to and bond with, as well as any extra interests she might have which I didn't know about. It was a long shot, and I didn't have my hopes up. I've never had to turn someone down before, nor have I had a 'bad date' before (even though I never specified this was a date), so I felt unprepared to deal with the situation if things went pear-shaped. In addition, the whole concept of taking someone out to eat to learn about them was totally new to me, so I was in unfamiliar territory from the get-go.

Not long after I arrived, the girl came out and said hi, then we started walking to the spot. She was more talkative than me (she might be shy, but she liked me, so this makes sense), and her presence was only making me more nervous. I was trying my best to respond to what she was saying, but it wasn't a comfortable conversation, at least not for me.

We arrived at the spot. I'd been there before, making me feel a little more at home; but she hadn't been there before, making me feel slightly more comfortable because it meant I could tell her about the place, giving me something to actually say. I went over the different items on the menu, talking about the things I'd had before, things my friends had liked, and so on. After we ordered, we started asking each other questions while we waited for our food, continuing to do so after it arrived. She was asked me more questions than I her, but that was to be expected. She was interested in what I was studying, so I was at least able to speak about something I knew about. But despite that, and despite my presence in a familiar location, I was still more rigid than I felt I should've been. I asked about her education as well, but the focus was most certainly on me as far as that topic was concerned. As for hobbies, I got onto the subject of gaming, and she said that while she does play games from time to time, she's not as into it as I am. The types of games she's into were also different to the ones I'm into. There was still enough common ground to carry the conversation for a while, but not enough to relax me.

We got onto politics at some point, a topic people usually avoid like the plague (I know I do :P). But, to my surprise, of all the discussions we had that afternoon, this one was the most fluid. Our views on politics were very similar (practically identical, really), and she was far more knowledgeable of the subject than I anticipated—not because I thought she was an idiot (her intellect was never in question), but because it just never occurred to me that she would know as much about the topic as she did. She also knows her history well (an area where I am lacking so bad :P), and would link our modern situation with those of the past. Best of all, though knowledgeable on these topics, she was never preachy or arrogant or anything; she was just able to speak about them with a fair amount of background knowledge. As awkward as parts of that meet-up were, this part was really cool, because it revealed a side of her I didn't know about, one I can admire in spite of the fact I wasn't reciprocating on a romantic level (remember: I figured I could befriend her if things didn't work out that way).

Towards the end, and as we walked back to her work, the girl got onto the subject of my comedy. She spoke very highly of my material, praising it for its cleverness and its ability to provoke introspection (which, to be fair, is something I aim for, so I'm pleased it comes across). This was also a fairly lax conversation for me—I mean, I was being commended here, so it was hard not to feel good :P  I like talking about comedy in-depth like this, going over the writing process, how I come up with ideas, how I deliver, etc, so it was a nice way to end the outing. One really stupid thing I did when I got back to her office: she said "I really enjoyed myself" or something like that, and you know what I said back? "Thank you". I'm sorry, what? Was I solely responsible for all the enjoyment she had? Did it have nothing to do with where we went, the food, or her own contributions to the conversation? No no, it was all me, all me. I obviously didn't mean it that way—it was a slip of the tongue—but still... man that was dumb :P

After she went back inside and I went to catch the bus home, I felt a little heartbroken. I'd given this girl every chance I could, but nothing clicked. As low as my expectations were given the circumstances, part of me wanted it to all work out in the end. And worst of all, I realised that I was going to have to let the girl down. I was going to have to reject her. I know first-hand how it feels to be rejected, but having to do the rejecting didn't feel as though it'd be any easier. Hell, the very reason I felt bad about having to do that was because I've been on her end of that conversation on multiple occasions, and it always sucks. There's no reasoning you can fall back on, no valid, sound argument you can make such that the other person goes "oh, that's fair enough, then". You have no choice but to remove their heart from their chest and squeeze it as hard as it can till it breaks, so it has the ability to re-form for another person in the future.

Thankfully, I haven't had to go through the whole "I'm just not interested" conversation, but I couldn't during our meet-up, because she hadn't told me herself that she liked me. I needed her to fess up to those feelings before I could destroy them. And I think it might have been better if we did have that conversation, cos I know what it's like to get the silent treatment: it just means the heart-crushing is slower and more painful. You wait and you wait and you wait, the lack of outright rejection leaving you able to say "there might be a chance!" I don't know. Maybe she's gotten over it already. I hope she has, for her sake. I'd like to be her friend, because I think we could get along and enjoy each other's company without the whole 'crush' thing lingering in the background. I also think she'd really get along with my friends, particularly my local friends, as I know they share interests.

In addition to all that, I think I might be able to set her up with another guy, too. I was telling my mum about the girl, about the outing, etc., and she too suggested I befriend the girl and keep in contact with her. While discussing that, out of nowhere, she said "she and [guy friend] would really get along". After going over that hypothetical in my mind, I replied with "...there is way more truth to that than you might realise...". And while I don't wanna throw her over to him like "here, you have a try!"—it takes time for feelings to die down, for her to be open to liking someone else (if she's anything like me, at least)—I still think it'd be really cool to see it happen. There are no guarantees, of course, but it's worth a shot, right? I'll pull some strings, see what I can do :P



So, what about Girl B? What's happening there? I don't wanna talk too much about that right now. I will say that I've asked her out, and that she said yes. But we haven't gone out just yet, so I wanna refrain from saying anymore about her until that happens.

So yeah, I somehow managed to ask two girls out in the space of six weeks. As amazingly talented as this may seem, please keep your swooning to a minimum, and refrain from asking me to run for the presidency of any country.

Goals: Meeting Them and Making Them

Hopefully my next blog article will be more... interesting ;)

Probably not, unfortunately. But the one after this, the one probably going up in about 48 hours?* Definitely gonna be interesting. I'm serious: it'll blow your fucking mind, at least if you know me personally :P 

*Change that to 'a week from now'; stuff came up, not my fault, I pwomise :P

It also feels somewhat petty to discuss what I have to discuss cos one of my other friends had someone quite close to them die, and another's been having numerous family issues (nothing huge, but still not optimal). Meanwhile, I'm over here going 'yup... everything's relatively cool over here. Nothing to complain about... nope.' I guess it sucks reading about that kind of stuff knowing that you can't really help, and that the person in question has to get through it on their own

Enough about that, though. Having been on what I suppose you could call a 'journey' of self-improvement over the last eighteen months, I think I've come pretty far. A lot of the things I wanted to achieve, I have: I've met new people, I'm more comfortable in social situations (which are also more frequent), and I'm less hesitant to act now than I was before, at least in most cases. I've come to realise that a lot of the things I set out to do have been done, so I've basically been having to make goals up as I go along. I didn't even realise this until a couple of minutes ago, to be honest—that's why I'm writing. Instead of having some master list of problems to solve in my head, I've been jotting things down sometimes and, with any luck, crossing them off sometime later.

And there are even some problems I'm solving without even realising I'm solving them. Like, the other week, I recognised someone from the games store in town, and I was like "excuse me, do you work at [store name]" and they were like "yeah, I do, actually!", and we started talking about games and stuff. Only when I got home did I realise what I'd done: I'd just talked to a stranger. Like, I talked to them first. I started that conversation.

As for new goals, one thing I've been thinking about lately is international travel. I've pondered the topic mostly because almost all my friends have gone overseas now (some on exchange through uni, some on purely personal trips). To be honest, I've never really wanted to go overseas, nor even leave my state. I don't care much for cultural tourism, at least not personally. There are no countries I'm dying to go to just so I can see their landmarks, experience their customs, eat their food (fuck that :P); there really aren't any aspects of visiting or living in another country that I wanna experience. Also, even if I did want to go to other countries or states, we've never really had the money to do that, so it's not something I've ever even had the option of doing. This is in addition to the regular 'food' and 'general scariness' objections I'd normally have to such an activity.

The thing is, given that being a stand-up comedian is a serious goal for me now, travel is, quite ironically, almost essential in moving up the latter. You can't be a comedian and perform at the same five open mics for the rest of your career; you have to go and perform for other people, lots of other people. And I think I'd be happy to travel if it was to work in that field. I'd love to go to the United States and tour around, performing at comedy clubs all over the country. To do the same in England, or even another European country with a sizeable English-speaking audience, would be pretty cool too. It's not like that's all I'd do—there are obviously some cultural things I'd engage in for each place I went to—but if I ever leave this country, the focus will almost certainly be performing stand-up.



A more achievable goal I've been thinking about is getting involved in comedy at uni, something I've mentioned on this blog several times before. People have repeatedly asked why I haven't contacted the Unibar about performing there, but I cannot bring myself to ask them for stage time when I'm the only one performing. It seems supremely arrogant to contact a bar asking if I can perform alone. My current set is five minutes long; I'm fairly sure if they're gonna put a comedian on stage, they're gonna want more than that. If there were other people willing to go up alongside me, I'd be happy for us to ask as a group, but I am literally the only person I know at that uni who does comedy in any way, shape, or form. I've also mentioned wanting to contact the student magazine offering to write satire, but haven't really done that either—I think the reason I cited for that is because each issue is about a particular theme, and I doubted any assurance on my part that I could joke about whatever theme they could throw at me.

However, if I approach this the right way, these two things (stand-up and written satire) might lead into one another. Let's say I contacted the student mag about writing satire (or just comedic stuff in general), and they took me on board, allowing me to write stuff; let's also say that, generally speaking, students actually liked my content. That would allow me to make a name for myself through a medium which already has an established audience. I can then use that success to go "hey, find my writing funny, I also do stand-up!" and either advertise an upcoming gig, or better still, trial a stand-up performance at uni itself. People will already have some idea of who I am, and (assuming success with the writing) people will like what I do, potentially wanting to see more. Bingo: I have a student audience for my stand-up! Hooray :)  I wouldn't want to use the writing position just to advance my stand-up, as the writing experience would be rewarding in and of itself, a good way to branch out and try something new; but it does have the added bonus of potentially fulfilling another goal of mine.

There are legitimate fears on my part that have lead me to hesitate, potential outcomes I truly dread having to face as either a writer or a performer in the public eye. These aren't flippant excuses for not making more of an effort to get in touch with people; these are things I've thought about to the point of feeling depressed and/or crying (though the latter is a rarity—if I react negatively to these thoughts, I usually just feel blue). While I don't shy away from discussing ethical, political, and religious issues in my act, I don't want people to misinterpret my jokes for any sort of activism. However staunchly I may put forward an argument or defend a position, at the end of the day, they're just jokes. I don't want to be mistaken for an activist, or even someone who thinks he's super clever, cos I'm neither of those things. It's not like I believe I'm immune to criticism or anything; I just don't want to get involved in public disputes with people, or become someone who's explicitly asked to debate topics cos I'm well-known or perceived as knowledgeable. I'm happy to plant seeds of doubt and stimulate discussion, but in-depth examination of issues should be left to people who aren't complete fuckwits, AKA people who aren't me.

I also don't want to be in class and have the teacher or some student go "hey, Liam talks about stuff like this on stage! What do you think?" Dude, if I was willing to talk in class, I'd have done so by this point. Leave me the fuck alone to sit here in peace until class ends. I also really really don't want assholes walking up to me while I'm walking to class or hanging with friends, or at any other time, berating me for shit I've said or written cos they're offended or whatever. I don't wanna hear it, cos I don't fucking care :P

I still think it'd be a good thing overall, though, to get involved with that. I dunno if it'll actually happen—maybe the uni mag already has a satirist (I don't read the thing... I should probably read the thing :P), or maybe they aren't looking for one—but if it does happen, it should be worth it, despite the risks.

Noms and Talking

I went to my best friend's 21st this evening. It was a really good night: nothing went wrong, and I only felt uncomfortable when it came time to eat, which is the norm.

The food thing is actually the first topic I wanna discuss. I know there's a lot of food I find disgusting even though other people find delicious, and I know it's largely an issue of perspective and psychology, but I swear to god, some things are so repulsive that I can't imagine why I'd ever want to eat them. The birthday was at a steakhouse, so it's no surprise that people were eating steak. The person next to me ordered steak, so I got to see up close what it looked and smelled like. It was not good. It was not good at all. It didn't look very appetising, but meat products never have for me. It's just gross. It's not a moral concern on my part (I don't think I could give any less of a fuck about animals if I tried :P); it's purely a reaction to the textures I'm seeing.

Worse still was the smell: it smelt horrible! It smelt so fucking bad! Every time he cut into it, it let out this... wretched, repulsive odour. And I smelled it repeatedly: it didn't get better the more I smelled it. It was just terrible. This didn't ruin my evening, don't get me wrong--I wasn't freaking out or anything. I was just blown away by the magnitude of awful that meal smelled of. While I don't eat bread, fruit, or vegetables, those things at least look decent, and smell kinda nice. Certain types of bread can smell awesome, and fruit can look pretty tasty at times, even if I am averse to actually eating it. Meat though? Pretty much the worst fucking thing ever right now. Bacon looks and smells awful, beef looks and smells awful, chicken looks and smells awful... I'm seeing a pattern here :P I don't think I'll ever eat any dead animals. And I know that's OK, but it does mean that even if my eating habits do improve, I still have to be that fussy cunt who won't eat stuff :P

Also, this is relevant, and has the potential to be extremely relevant, for reasons I can't quite bring up yet. Argh :P

Anyway, that aside, let's look at the social side of things. It was pretty comfortable! I mean, I was surrounded by my friends, and it's my best friend's party, so obviously I'm gonna have all the funz. But it was easier than I would normally expect such an outing to be. On the way there, someone in the car said they were nervous about meeting new people. I wasn't nervous at all--like, I just wasn't. New people usually freak me out, but I honestly had no issue. I actually wanted to meet the new people, cos they've always sounded like amicable folks (and they were :D), so I wasn't nervous at all about meeting them for the first time, even though I never had before. I seem to be getting a lot better around people I don't know. And granted, the things I'm really scared of (cold introductions) weren't going to happen, so my worst fears couldn't possibly be realised. But I still managed to talk and joke with one of the new people (the other one wasn't too talkative, which is fair enough given he knew hardly anyone at the party), which is above and beyond what I normally expect of myself. I was never uncomfortable for any social reason, and I do mean never. I even pitched in and did one of the 'hip hip's when we were singing Happy Birthday and the person who originally said "hip hip" didn't quite commit to saying it three times. I never say 'hip hip'! Holy shit, dude! Come to think of it, I never even thought about potential social awkwardness, much less experienced it. Progress :D

The only thing I think I could've done better with is thinking of more elaborate ways to describe what I've been up to, seeing as that's such a common question at these things. I don't wanna bang on and on about stuff, but sometimes, I get home after going to an event, and think "man, I could've answered that question in more depth". It's also kinda hard when the person I'm talking to doesn't ask follow up questions, cos then the only way to keep going is to bang on and on, but what can you do, right?

So yeah, I had heaps of fun. Hopefully my next blog article will be more... interesting ;)

Bombardment: It's All Happening at Once

There are so many things I could write about right now. There are two things in particular, two closely related things, that I'd love to write about, but I really can't, at least not yet. I also don't really want to splurge all the info onto the internet where anyone can read it—a synopsis, perhaps, but not every last detail. The two situations do conflict with each other, and one situation is definitely going to be difficult to deal with, but I think that one's more likely to go well in the long run. The other situation is up in the air, though, with any luck, it will be slightly clearer within a few days. I can't talk about either situation in any more detail than that without risking the dissemination of info that may compromise either one (even if such a compromise is extremely unlikely). I've talked with my best friend about it all, so it's not something I can't talk about or don't want to talk about, but I don't want it out in public, and I don't think it needs to be out in public either, really. You may hear about each situation later on in some detail, but certainly not yet. All I can really say for now is that both situations have surprised me and have led me to do things I'd usually be scared of doing—I'm definitely making progress :)

Something I can talk about is an event the uni gaming society held recently. The event was basically a console event where people could bring their own consoles to play with, as well as play on the uni's consoles. Unfortunately, it was not very well timed (right before the Easter long weekend), nor was it very well advertised, so the event only had about twelve people down as guests, myself included. I was excited nonetheless, as I love bringing my hardware to play with people.

I originally wanted to being my Wii U, my Nintendo 64, and my monitor to use as a TV, as well as all the controllers for each one. The N64 controllers are oddly shaped and bulky as all hell, while the Wii U has so many different controllers and peripherals that it's difficult to get them all into a bag. And I was gonna have to carry all this stuff by myself: I have no licence, much less a car to drive. I ended up ditching the N64 because my monitor doesn't support composite input, which would've meant having to bring my DVD recorder to convert the composite signal to a component signal just so I could hook it up to the screen. Fuck carrying a huge-ass box just to convert a signal :P

I eventually settled on just bringing the Wii U and the monitor. To give you an idea of just how many peripherals the Wii U has (and I don't even own all the different types, mind you :P), it took two laptop bags to hold everything. I could've stuffed it all into the bigger bag, but I risked tearing the bag due to overstuffing or the sheer weight of it all. I then put the bags over my shoulder and carried the monitor in my hands to the bus stop. The monitor isn't light, either; it's an older LCD panel, and it has built-in speakers, so it's bulky compared to newer screens. It was so heavy that when I got to the bus stop and put it down, my arms felt like they weren't there. But I did it! My puny-ass muscles carried that sonofabitch for ten minutes without putting it down once.

I eventually got to uni with my stuff and went to the TV area, where the uni's consoles are. There weren't any tables set up or anything, so I was kinda confused. They were holding a PC event on the same day, so I went and spoke to them, and eventually, a few people showed up to organise the console dealie. I was given a table and a powerboard, so I set my stuff up while they got CoD and Halo running on the uni TV's. There were only one or two other people there for the event when it started (compared to the PC event which had about ten people there when I walked in the room), but I figured more would show up as the day went on.

Even though I feared a low turnout, I figured I should put 4 seats in front of the TV, so others could sit down with me. I'd brought hardware to previous gaming meet-ups and had almost no one play with me, and I figured putting seats there might increase the chances of some multiplayer happening, even if the chances of that were low. Turns out that was the best decision I made all day, cos people did show up and did play with me! Hooray! It was mainly the same people for most of the day, but some people dropped in later on, dropping out when they had to leave. I think I ended up playing with about six other people, mainly playing Smash Bros., but also playing some Mario Kart. I'm not really into Smash, but everyone else there seems to really like it (and I do mean everyone :P) so as a good host, I obliged. One guy even had a Gamecube controller in his bag, like it's something he just has with him at all times just in case there's a game of Smash happening :P

And not only did people play on my console, people pretty much only played on my console—I don't think there were many people, if any, who played CoD or Halo on the other TV's, at least not for very long. The TV room was deserted, while I had people playing with me the entire time I was there, save for the first ten minutes after I set stuff up. Granted, Smash Bros. is a crowd pleaser (as I said, everyone seems to fucking love it for some reason :P), but I was surprised I managed to draw everyone so successfully.

Also, it was way more successful on a social level than the meet-up thing I went to earlier in the term. I was never nervous, I conversed with people, I learned some names, and I think I did fairly well at managing the games and the hardware, making sure everyone had what they needed and everything. It became a little difficult later on as the group got bigger, cos it seemed like everyone there knew each other and I was the odd one out, but I was never totally excluded or anything. I didn't really make any new friends, but I made way more of an impression this time round, so perhaps if they do another console thing, or any other gaming thing, I'll recognise them (or they'll recognise me) and it can go from there. It made carting all that shit there totally worth it :D

Getting home was a bit annoying cos after I packed everything up, it started raining, which eventually turned into a thunderstorm. If there's one thing you don't wanna be doing in a rainy thunderstorm, it's carrying a fucking monitor :P  Thankfully, I had a plastic poncho (an aptly named 'emergency poncho') to wrap the monitor up in, so I was good there. While I waited for the rain to subside a bit so I could get to the bus stop without getting totally drowned, one of the gaming society representatives apologised for the poor organisation and said that he hoped the next one would be better (as I said, shit timing + no advertising = ghost town). I hope so too.

If there's one other thing I'd be willing to bitch about, it'd be the relative lack of interest in Mario Kart. Not that it's anyone's fault—no one's obliged to be interested in Mario Kart. It's just that I love Mario Kart, in the same way that all the others seem to love Smash: I play it all the time, I know it back-to-front, I get competitive, and I like fierce competition. There just doesn't seem to be a community for it at uni. They have a Mario Kart tourney at the annual convention they hold, and it does draw people, but the Smash community is so big that they have their own separate meet-ups and everything. I'd love to cultivate more interest in Mario Kart if I could, but I don't really know if I can. I'd be more than happy to bring along hardware, organise tourneys, play different versions each time, or even play different racing games alongside Mario Kart if people wanted. But if the interest isn't there, then it won't happen. Oh well.

Introductions: What Do?

So I went to the meet-and-greet thing held by the gaming association at my uni. Things went pear-shaped before I even arrived cos it turns out I wrote the time down incorrectly on my calendar, thus showing up half-an-hour after the thing started. I didn't think I'd missed anything important, though.

When I got there, I walked into the room the people were in and saw them setting up some TV's and consoles. There were some people on laptops playing MMO's, but most people there seemed to be console folk, which is what I am, at least mostly. I do play PC games alongside console games, but the PC folk in the organisation seem to mainly focus on League of Legends and DOTA, two games I could not possibly give less of a fuck about :P  Console-wise, they were setting up for a Smash Bros. tourney, which wasn't too surprising. Smash is one of those games I do play, but only casually. These people, though... definitely not casuals :P  There's a fairly active competitive scene in the group, it seems. Fighting games just aren't my thing, so I couldn't get in on that.

But alas, what's that I hear? "Mario Kart's set up over here, guys!" Mario Kart? That's my jam! I'm totally up for some Mario Kart right about now! Fuck yes, let's go play Mario Kart. They had Mario Kart 64 set up on a projector screen, away from the Smash Bros peeps, but still in the same room. I walk on over and pick up a controller, along with three other people.

The fact that it was Mario Kart 64 makes things a little odd. Most people haven't picked up a Nintendo 64 controller in fuckin' ages; I, on the other hand, have one sitting in my entertainment unit cos I wuv it ^_^  Most people haven't played any iteration of Mario Kart in a long time, much less one that came out in 1996; I haven't played it in a while either, but I've played it so much that I know it like the back of my own hand regardless. On one hand, this is good: people were asking what the controls were, and I was answering each time, cos I was seemingly the only one who knew. Any time a question about the game came up, I could answer with confidence, cos, as I said, this is my jam right here. It gave me a chance to talk, which was invaluable at the time. On the other hand, I knew in advance that because they didn't even know the controls, much less anything else about the game, I wasn't gonna face any stiff competition. The reason that's bad is because when one person wins a game over and over again, it can make the others feel kinda shitty. It's not like I wanna rub it in people's faces that I'm good at the game, but I'm not gonna go easy on people cos that's fuckin' patronising. Thankfully, people seemed to have fun regardless, and I was too! It was a little awkward cos I didn't know the people playing with me, but it didn't matter. Good times were had :)

It's weird, though: they have a huge competitive Smash scene, yet there's not one person there who's into Mario Kart like I am, at least not to my knowledge. This must be fixed :P



Anyway, once people left Mario Kart, I went to watch the Smash tourney which was under way. At this point, I should clarify that I haven't really 'introduced' myself to anyone, not formally. No one there knows who I am, no one knows my name; I'm truly anonymous at this stage (though I am not legion, and I forget shit all the time). Everyone else, however, seemed to know at least one other person there. People were speaking to each other, clearly because they already know each other. I, on the other hand, was just... there. And granted, Smash isn't something I'm into like these people, but I watched anyway cos it's still fun to see players exhibit skill, even if I don't fully understand the mechanics of what they're doing. It didn't matter, though, cos I still felt awkward, like I didn't quite belong (go away Year 12 English no one likes you >.<). I didn't know what to say—what was there even to say? What the hell am I supposed to put forward when there's nothing to be said? The awkwardness was starting to take its toll on me, and self-confidence was fleeting, especially compared to how I was doing when playing Mario Kart.



Not long after the Smash tourney finished, they started a Halo 3 tourney. I haven't played Halo in ages, but I know I'm not totally awful at it, so I enter. They're holding this one in a totally different area, so I go there with the others. Once I get there, though I'm in a different room, the environment is identical: people who already know each other speaking with one another, while I'm there along not able to join in. I'm also nervous at this point cos I'm waiting for my name to be called for whichever round I'm in, not wishing to make things difficult for the organisers by missing my round (which always happens at these fuckin' things, cos people are all over the joint playing multiple things at once :P).

Anyway, as they played, I sat and watched. As I watched the first round, I started to feel more dejected as I realised that while this is supposed to be a meet-and-greet, I had neither met nor greeted anyone for the entire time I'd been there. I'd spoken to people, that's true—I haven't stayed in my shell and avoided people or anything—but I hadn't made any lasting impressions. I haven't shaken anyone's hand, or told anyone my name (apart to sign up for the tourney), or learned about anyone new. I eventually played my round of Halo, somehow managing to win (my opponents seemed about as unfamiliar with the game as me, lol), but I hardly opened my mouth the entire round.

Eventually, pizza arrived, so everyone flocked to get some. I thought "well, going over there isn't gonna do you any favours, cos you'll just be asked over and over again a) if you'd like any food, and b) why your answer to that question is 'no' :P". So I stayed in the console area. I felt shitty at this point: although I didn't expect to meet a bajillion people or befriend people instantaneously, I did expect to at least learn some names and chat a little bit. I didn't think it was much to ask of myself, but it evidently was.

I felt much the same as I played the final round of Halo with the people who'd won the other rounds. I only cracked, like, one joke the whole time—Mario Kart Wii was on in the background, the menu music playing at full blast, so I was like "this is my favourite song from the Halo 3 soundtrack". And even then, I thought of that joke five-to-ten minutes before I told it, cos I was so goddamn nervous the whole time. I said hardly anything during the match itself, save for the odd expletive whenever I got killed. After that was over, we played a few more rounds for fun, but we eventually had to leave cos the janitor wanted to lock the place up. As I walked home, I didn't regret going or anything, but I was a little disappointed at myself.

And you know how I said I arrived half-an-hour late, and didn't think I'd missed anything important? Their event page said people should arrive early so they can meet and greet people. The 'meet-and-greet' part formally ended before I even got there. While that doesn't mean it was impossible to meet other people while I was there, the part they put aside specifically for that—the part where it would have been easy to meet people—was the one part I missed. God fucking damnit :P



I've said it before, and I'll say it again: introductions are a cunt of a thing for me. They are a peak to which I simply cannot ascend. What's bizzare is that everything after that point is so easy now! It's not a cakewalk, but it's way easier than it was before, that's for sure. Last year, I wrote about how I met a guy in a tutorial at uni at one of those 'talk to the person next to you' dealies that teachers like to spring on you in the first class of the semester. I usually dread these things, and this was no exception. But as soon as turned to my left, learned his name, told him mine, and shook his hand, the awkwardness was almost entirely gone. I could actually talk to him, and listen to him, and joke with him. A year or two ago, that wouldn't have happened, at least not so quickly. So I've clearly made progress on the social front. Problem is, there are still parts of it where I've made no progress.

Basically, if you presented the process of a friendship on a timeline, the beginning being introductions, and the end being its developed form, I've worked my way from the middle outwards. The stuff on the far-end (being really close to someone, having a best friend, etc.) has come along nicely, and the stuff towards the beginning (talking to people I've only just met, being around strangers, etc.) is also getting easier and easier. But the very beginning of the timeline—meeting people—is still uncharted. There's that small bit between not knowing someone at all, and having started talking to them, which I just can't grasp. It's not something I'm not good at; it's something I can't do it at all. I can't even picture myself doing it.



As hopeless as I may have felt at certain points during the evening, I'd still like to get involved with these guys, particularly on the organisation side of things. Part of me doesn't want to disturb them cos they already have a body of people organising stuff for consoles, but I have my own ideas I'd like to put forward. Like, I'd love to host a Mario Kart: Double Dash!! tourney sometime, purely because it's Mario Kart with co-op. My best friend and I play it together (I drive, she shoots), and it's hella fun. And I've watched tourneys online with teams of two competing against each other: shit gets hectic. I think it'd be interesting enough to gain traction, but not so different that it alienates people. And on top of all that, people will have to team up, so it'd be a good way to get people meeting other people, provided the teams were random. There are a few other games I think would be good to play in tourneys (Timesplitters, Mario Party, Tetris Party/NullpoMino), as well as some games that'd be good to try in any format cos they're just different (Nintendo Land, Boom Street, Fibbage). How bizzare: I suck at introducing people myself, but I can easily come up with ways for other people to meet each other :P

And I know it's strange to want to take the initiative required to organise things, while not having the initiative required to introduce myself to people (at least not without the held of a third party), but I can see myself organising this shit. I can imagine it. I've gone over explaining the rules for Double Dash!! heaps of times in my head just for the fun of it, to find the most efficient way to explain how it works. I can picture sitting beside a group playing Boom Street, explaining all the intricacies of the game. And the reason for that is because at that point, I'd have already been introduced to them. I'm not 100% sure how I can offer these ideas to them, seeing as I have no idea how their internal structure works, but I want to find a way, believe me. They also do games each week on Tuesday afternoons, which is fucking perfect cos I have a huge break on Tuesdays. Maybe then I'll find some more Mario Kart people :P

Also, if I had trouble meeting people at an event full of gamers, full of people like me, how hard will it be for me to meet people at events outside my comfort zone? That was one of the main reasons why I felt the way I did: cos I knew that if this was hard, anything more difficult than this would be fucking brutal. I can't picture myself meeting people at bars, clubs, parties, etc. either. Ironically, the one thing I can picture is meeting a girl, cos you can just look at one and tell if they reciprocate pretty much immediately by their reaction. I can picture myself looking at a girl dancing, having her smile or something, and walking up to her—even though it seems more dangerous, at least the process there is clear and makes sense. The process for all other introductions, however, is beyond me.

And that's what it is: it's a process. You intake the variables of the environment and the people, you process them, and you decide how to act. Sociable people and extroverts do this without even thinking about it, cos they've had a lot of practice. There is a process; I just don't know what it is. There is a socially acceptable way to do what I want to do here; I'm just not aware of it. Cos it's not like I'm sitting there wanting to isolate myself—I want to introduce myself to people, and I know it's not immoral or anything, but it never feels right. For the whole evening at the gaming meet-up, it just never felt appropriate to say anything. I hope I can find out why that is, cos I think that's key to making progress.