Well well well, if it isn't... Tuesday. Time for that heart filled entry about how I don't know what the fuck is going on! My attraction to this fancy of mine has now reached a whole new level of complexity due to my over-analysis of the situation; it just gets worse and worse and worse with each encounter. You sit there wanting to pour your heart and soul on to the table for her to see, so everything can be cleared up and you can get a straight "yes" or "no" answer to that all important question, but nothing compels you to do it! Then you begin to question everything... again! "Do I really like her?" "Is she really the one for me?" "Was I just fooling myself all this time?" And you're a practical guy, so whaddaya do? You try to answer these questions! Here are three questions you're never gonna answer by yourself, but you'll try! You'll go all night pondering these puppies! You fool yourself in to thinking you'll get more information... but all you just end up with more questions! "Well, if she is the one for me, why am I stalling?" "If she liked me, surely she would have said so by now... right?" "Maybe she's taken! Is it even right to disturb her potential bliss?"
I think I'm used to her look now, so that initial physical thrill has worn off for the most part. Don't get me wrong: I could look at her for so much as a second and lose track of time, but that ":O there she is! She looks so good! Wow! Holy crap! WOAH! :D" sensation isn't anywhere near as potent. I don't know if that means my maturity is kicking in and looking for substance - which I definitely want to find - or if my penis is broken :P Poor bastard: he has to live off a video feed from up top... little bugger won't be seeing the flesh of another any time soon, as much as I'd love for him to meet my fancy in person :P What we need is conversation: words going to and fro; a verbal tennis match; anything, damn it! Anything! It's impossible to get a word in under the circumstances and it kills me! I find myself wanting to manipulate a task to my own bent desire by explaining everything through scripted drama and reading it aloud just so she can get informed! Hey, I've done it before: I once used an English speech to tell 30 people about a girl I'd liked for years. You think orgasms feel nice? It's nothing like the release I had, nothing. I got nearly perfect marks too, purely for the shock value :D
This is the problem with liking someone in an educational setting: there's no time for chit chat! Not a fucking second is there to be "wasted." God forbid I meet someone who I can spend (at least part of) my future with and therefore have incentive to prepare for said future! I know the process here and I can't progress without verbal interaction, simply because I've got all I'm gonna get staring at her; it's a fun but ultimately pointless exercise in determination to see how long you can look at someone before they notice :P I need data to process! Real, genuine data, not that vague shit one can contemplate for hours on end; I have enough of that as it stands! Like this, for instance: you know how in a class, when everyone is going to present their work one at a time, sometimes no one wants to go first? Then the awkward silence kicks in as everyone waits for someone else to break it... it happens when no one is truly proud of their work and no one is willing to be the first one to fail. Anyway, it's silent for a moment... then out of nowhere, my fancy addresses me by name and asks me to go first! That's a sign of something, damn it!
Let's do some math: over the course of a few weeks, this girl has said hello to me, complimented my (shitty) handwriting for no apparent reason, and is seemingly interested in my writing... a careful plot, or a mere coincidence? Her choice, or her character? ... ... I got nothin'! It's too open! I now need to examine her mind... to pick at it and survey the landscape. And, as much as I need her to talk to me, I also need to talk to her, to see if her potential interest remains, grows or dwindles after contact. So long as I don't talk about how many games I've beaten or my Minesweeper remake, it should be OK; that shit can come later :P Methinks she isn't the type to play those kinds of games, for all I've seen her play so far are mind games, and fuck me, she is good at them. A good 10-15 minutes of talkity-talk will do endless good.
Now I've just gotta find a spare 10-15 minutes lying around somewhere...
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