About an hour ago, I found out that one of my friends hooked up with a guy for the first time. Upon seeing the words on the screen, it's as if the pixels formed a fist and punched me in the gut. It was not the best experience. I read from top to bottom; curiosity would not permit any detail to go unexamined. By the end, I was sweating, I was tense, and I was angry. This fucked with my head on quite a serious level.
After I read it, I got up and tried to calm myself verbally. "OK, man, calm down, it's OK. This doesn't concern you. This has nothing to do with you. Why do you care? Why do you care?" That question, however, only proceeded to make me even madder: why did I care? This is someone I haven't seen in months, getting with some dude I don't even know, all of which happened at an event I was not, and could not have been, invited to. What's the big deal? Why is this even remotely important?
Well, two answers to that question. The girl in question might still read this blog (I don't know anymore, to be honest), but the following facts stand, and I honestly don't give a shit if she knows what I'm about to say: I still find her attractive. This girl remains the hottest girl that I know; she has had that position for nearly two years now. It's not like if I see her in person, I'm trying to keep my dick soft. On those rare occasions when we do meet up, I can be around her and talk to her with no tension whatsoever. Earlier this year, though, the fantasising started again. I wrote this in a private journal entry back in late February:
"I don't feel horny or uncomfortable in the slightest when I'm near her, which is good. I've seen her twice in the previous week, and I spoke to her like I did to everyone else. Thing is, I'm starting to look at her again, and that is something I don't want to do. It was the first time I'd seen her with short brown hair, and it looked good on her, great even. The next day, she wore a short-sleeved grey top with jeans, and I couldn't resist looking at her for a little while. I just sat there looking at her arm as it rested. Her arms are beautiful: perfect size, perfect tone—just lovely :) I didn't gawk for too long ... but I still indulged for a while."Her physical side didn't really tempt me too much last year, but this year, it's slowly managed to captivate me again. I don't stalk her on Facebook or read her blog very often (I certainly don't go looking for shit like this to read :P), but lately, I've been finding her body desirable once more.
So...
Problem #1: I was fucking jealous. Let's be honest: I wanted to be that guy. I wanted the pleasure of getting down and dirty with this woman. I've thought on more than one occasion "Man, what I'd give for it to be appropriate to just message her and say "I find your body fucking stunning and wanna hook up with you. I'm up for whatever gets you off. What do you say?"" But there really isn't a quicker way to creep her out, regardless of the fact that the answer is almost certainly no.
I mean, let's put me in this guy's shoes: let's say I'm at a club, looking at this woman on the dance floor. Would I be tempted? You fucking bet. I'd be wanting to go right up to her, up close and personal, feel her up, do what this guy did—the goddamn lot, so long as that's what felt right. I might even actually do it! I might even try my luck; the attraction is such that it could well trump my usual reluctance to approach a woman.
But you know what I'd rather have? The same attraction, but for any other woman in fucking existence. Is this girl hot? Fuck yeah, right up there at the top of the pile. But there's got to be someone hotter. There's just got to be! Someone, somewhere, some chick's gotta have a better rack, a bigger booty, a more beautiful face—hell, maybe even a personality I'm drawn to. Going back to the hypothetical dance floor, let's say this woman is dancing alone, having a good time, open minded; she's prime for the taking. Let's then put an equally attractive—even slightly less attractive—woman on the other side of the dance floor, having just as much fun, dancing alone but with space for someone else. So long as I find her sexy, you know what's gonna happen to the first woman? She will disappear. She will no longer exist, at least not as an object of lust.
I have wanted for so long to meet a woman who draws me like those in the past have, because only with that will I stop thinking about my friend this way. I'm a horny motherfucker, and I want a girl to get nasty with; it's that simple. But this means I need an outlet for my existing lust, and unfortunately, all I've got is someone I'm almost certainly not gonna make it with. If someone could take her place—either in the physical, "goddamn what I'd do to you if you just let me" sense, or in the romantic, "I really like you and maybe we could go see movies together and cuddle together on the couch and stuff :)" sense—the attractions of yesterday are shot, stabbed, dismembered, mutilated, and discarded. The old always makes way for the new, and it's one of the most fantastic feelings I can imagine. It's been so long since I've been attracted to someone new in either a physical or a romantic sense (or both) that I don't even know what it feels like anymore—but I remember its strength, most certainly.
So, where will such a woman come from?
Problem #2: I'm socially isolated and can't meet anyone anywhere. There's nowhere I go where I could even possibly meet new people! I've known this to be a problem for a while now, but at this point, it was like "You want to expand your social life? No, sorry, you need to expand your social life. It's not a choice anymore." And that's true: if I wanna get laid, or if I wanna go out with someone, find a girlfriend, I need to meet new people. At this point, it doesn't matter who I meet—anyone's better than no one. Men, women, who cares: I need more fucking friends :P
But how do I solve that problem? It's not easy, not when you're as isolated as I am. Stand-up is still the big flashing light in my head: I'm thinking more and more about that all the time, desire to perform ever-increasing. And I recently thought about just how potent it could be, cos it's not just me going on-stage, doing jokes, and leaving—I can talk to the audience whenever the fuck I want! I can ask them questions, begin exchanges, and make jokes about the conversation all at the same time, Dara O'Briain style. That can be my way of starting conversations! I talk about how fucking hard it is to talk to people off-stage, but I'm pretty sure I can pull that off on-stage without too much trouble. Might as well make use of the energy and confidence while I have it.
What about other situations? Not as sure. My mum keeps telling me to go to the UniBar alone, just... go... what? Seriously, do people do that? Are there really teetotallers who go to bars alone to talk to strangers? That's on the opposite end of the fear-scale: that's fucking frightening :P Same with clubs: am I really gonna be comfortable going to a club alone? I don't know what the deal is! I need someone to go to these places with, someone to show me the ropes, let me know what's up. I'm pretty sure no one I know would take me to a club (not close enough friends with the girl I speak of here to get an invite), but the bar's a possibility, I suppose. Not sure how people will react to me not wanting to drink alcohol, but if I can improvise on-stage, I can improvise off-stage; I can come up with answers there and then.
As disturbing as the entry was (seriously, 'too much information' is an understatement, and this is coming from someone who talks about hardcore porn on-stage :P), this has had a positive effect too. This has reinvigorated my desire to fix this social problem I have. I mean, apparently, you're allowed to do all these things I was reading about! I'm allowed to dance with a girl at a club, I'm allowed to put my hand up her skirt, I'm allowed to touch her boobs, grind against her, make out with her—that's fucking legal, so long as she's cool with it. It's legal. Like, it's allowed. WHY WAS I NOT TOLD THIS EARLIER GOD FUCKING DAMNIT >.< I've been thinking that's creepy guy shit, stuff only the freaks do. But it's acceptable? And some of them like it? They think it's sexy? It makes 'em wet? THIS SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS. You've really let me down, Department of Education, you really fucking have!
...hyperbole aside :P, this stuff isn't as bad or out-of-line as previously thought. Hell, it's the only way I'm gonna hook up with a girl at all, by the looks of it: by doing all these things! Actually having the balls to do it is another thing, but the real issue is first approaching the girl. As frightening as it is, once I'm talking/dancing with 'em, it only gets easier from there. And if I'm doing any one of those things, I'm gonna get hard; and if I get hard, the dick more-or-less takes over and confidence becomes a non-issue :P Once I'm gunning for their pants, all that's gonna stop me is a 'no'... or maybe a punch from her boyfriend who was away for a few minutes, but we can deal with that at the time. :)
In all honesty, I'd still rather find a girl to have a crush on and ask out—it's less intense, more low key, and I prefer romantic feelings to pure physical ones. But hooking up appears to be a way more viable option now, more than it was before, anyway.
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