Food: That One Thing I'm Definitely Wrong About

I have pretty weird eating habits, definitely weirder than most people. 'Fussy eater' doesn't really do it justice :P  I've never really eaten properly, and it's been this way for as long as I can remember. My mum certainly tried to get me to eat right when I was young, but never succeeded. Any attempt by adults to get me to eat anything I hadn't eaten previously (even things I love today, like chocolate) resulted in my refusal to submit--I really was a stubborn little bastard :P  I still am, too, as I haven't expanded my palette for nearly two decades now.

That said, there's nothing wrong with me physically. I'm not sick, and I don't get sick any more often than a regular person would. I don't have any difficulty moving or breathing, I don't find it hard to think; I don't have any trouble getting through everyday activities. I don't have cancer, diabetes, heart disease, or anything of the sort (which is pretty remarkable given the circumstances, lol). As far as health goes, I'm a lot better than I could be. But that doesn't mean there isn't huge room for improvement.

Here's a list of everything (and I mean everything) I can think of which I will put in my mouth:

• Corn chips
• Potato chips (plain)
• Crackers/biscuits (plain)
• Breadsticks (plain)
• French toasts (the kind you buy in packets)
• Muffins (plain)
• Anything chocolate
• Most lollies
• Puree apple (essentially baby food)
• Yoghurt
• Cake
• Butter (as an ingredient, not by itself, lol)
• Ice-cream
• Custard
• Pastries
• Most cereal (never with milk

• Water
• Milk (including flavoured milk)
• Iced coffee

As for the list of things I won't put in my mouth:

• Fresh fruit
• Vegetables of any kind
• Meat/poultry of any kind
• Nuts of any kind

• Soft drink
• Alcohol
• Hot beverages

So as you can see, the list of things I will eat is basically snack food or confectionery, and the list of things I won't eat is what you probably live on :P  And when I say I won't put these things in my mouth, I'm saying I will never ever ever put these things in my mouth for any reason. To me, it's unthinkable. Were you to try and get me to eat or drink anything in the second list, I would resist with all my might to prevent it from happening.

I've obviously been eating like this for ages, so to me, it feels normal. My mum's pretty tolerant of it (she buys all the food without a fuss), but she occasionally asks if I want to try something new, to which my answer is almost always 'no'. I don't care what it is: if any part of it falls into that second list, I don't want it. I refuse to expand here at all; I don't even really want to. I'm happy to keep eating the way I am. But it's certainly not the best option for me.

Thinking of this from a health standpoint, in a somewhat counter-intuitive way, my eating habits are kinda healthy. True, I don't eat fresh fruits, vegetables, or meat, but I don't eat fast food either. There are lots of unhealthy things I don't eat, which is one positive that comes out of this. The problem with that, of course, is that given what I won't eat, I really can't eat things that are healthy, meaning I'm only left with unhealthy stuff to begin with. Overall, I'm clearly in the red.

The same could be said of soft drinks and alcohol, but seeing as I mainly drink water, having milk/iced coffee every so often, I'm doing far better there.

The reason I don't want to eat anything new, as far as I can tell, is that regular food simply doesn't look appetising. It doesn't look edible. It doesn't look like food. I know it is food, but it doesn't look like anything I'd want as food. Most regular food looks pretty messed up to me. Fruit looks alright, even smells OK. If I was gonna try stuff, that's probably where I'd start. Same goes for bread: I already eat things that are like bread (cakes, muffins, breadstucks), and bread can smell pretty awesome sometimes too. But vegetables and meat look pretty awful. Vegetables look pretty 'meh' in standard form, and cooked, they look even worse. As far as meat goes... foul. Absolutely foul.

And with that, with the whole meat thing, it's not that I'm against animals being killed for food. I'm not saying there aren't issues with factory farming, animal suffering, and whatever else--there are certainly ethical issues there--but that's not why meat turns me off. I'm not a political vegetarian; I just think meat looks fucking disgusting. Cooked or raw, it's goddamn horrible to look at. And the smell! Holy shit, the smell >.<  I remember going to someone's house once and smelling bacon and eggs; I couldn't tell you how hard it was to prevent myself from throwing up. I'd heard so much about how fucking great it is to wake up to the smell of bacon and eggs, and was sitting there wondering how people were eating this stench! They were eating it! They wanted to eat it! Not that all meat smells quite that bad (and there were eggs involved there too, which couldn't have helped), but it's certainly not pleasant.

It's mainly a psychological thing: I've had such a narrow view of what's appetising for so long that it's extremely sensitive to anything outside that view. And trying new things is so foreign to me that I'm not comfortable with the concept. I get the whole "You can just spit it out!" thing (my mum says that all the time), but I'd rather just not go there.

As for what it is that I fear specifically, it's hard to tell. But I know I hate weird textures in my mouth, and I hate gagging. In the past, when I've tried things, I've gagged a lot. I remember plenty of times where I'd try something new, I'd have a really weird taste or texture, and I'd then gag over and over until I spat it out. New foods are hard for me to stomach before they're even in my stomach :P  Things that are really chewy also get me, because the weird taste/texture has to stay there until I swallow whatever it is, with me usually gagging until it's all gone. Then I have to eat more of it and chew/gag for ages again. And that just repeats until I get sick of it. It doesn't look remotely enticing in that way.

But this is a huge problem, not just from a health perspective, but from a social perspective. Eating is something almost everyone does, and it's one of the most common social activities there is. Not only that, but you'd be hard pressed finding someone in this country who's fussy to the extent that I am; dietary habits like mine are a rarity. That said, I am not catered to (nor can I expect to be). You won't find restaurants with Doritos or Pringles or whatever else listed as meals, and anything at a restaurant I will eat is dessert. I can't really go with friends to places where food is the focus because I'll feel like an asshole, sitting there doing nothing. And if I approach a woman somewhere, chat her up, invite her out, maybe even start dating her, the subject is eventually gonna come up--and until it does, she's gonna assume I eat like everyone else. What's she gonna think when she hears I don't eat properly? Is the rest of my personality gonna be able to compensate for that? Food seems to be that one thing that everyone does properly to the extent where they can fit in--everyone except me.

And that's the only reason I wanna change, really: so I can fit in. If I could eat enough things so I could just go places and not have to worry about sitting there doing nothing for an hour or two, feeling like a broken piece of shit. That's all I'd really need. I wouldn't have to eat meat or drink alcohol to get that far. With alcohol, while I'd like to be able to enjoy a few drinks with friends without worrying, I'm still leaning heavily towards the 'fuck that shit' side of the fence :P  I can definitely get by without booze. Food, not so much.

I'm just wondering if I can keep my value and self-worth up without having to venture into the land of unknown cuisine. Cos, hypothetically, I could just continue eating the way I do, and announce it proudly to those I'm talking to whenever it comes up in conversation. As of right now, I'd much rather take that option. But it would certainly be easier to socialise if I didn't have to worry about the whole eating thing at all. It would open up other avenues in life, too, like travelling. Its benefits are there, but I don't know if it's enough to convince me.

Or everyone could just live on Doritos for the rest of their lives... that's an option too, you know.