Flip-Flopping: That Thing I Do All the Time

I went back to uni last week. Missed a lecture or two, but still went to the tutorials. It was good to see my friend again—we have more and more fun together each week, laughter becoming far more common. I also got an assignment back, a writing assignment. I had to create a collection of small experiments implementing different poetic, theatrical and narrative devices—for example, using visceral, grotesque language, or using a certain question-answer structure in dialogue, stuff like that. They could be anywhere from a sentence long to a few pages, so long as there were at least six pages in total, with a maximum of ten pages permitted. I submitted seven pages and got 68%. Not really surprised. I would have been shocked had I gotten anything over 70%. Just didn't put the work in; no one to blame but myself. I'm not super disappointed with the mark, but I know I can do a lot better.

The only thing that pisses me off is that, instead of written feedback, the tutor has simply ticked the fragments he likes, along with ticking individual lines he found notable. I had two fragments with no ticks at all—but what's wrong with them? Fine, they're shit, but why are they shit? I'm sure there's a reason; I just need to know that reasoning so I can develop as a writer. Ticking the fragments he thought to be good is the same as liking Facebook statuses: it tells me nothing except 'Oh, someone liked this.' Fucking useless :P

And, of course, I saw the girl I like at again (I need a pseudonym... I'll get back to you). It's weird: I don't see her for two weeks, and, along with wanting to talk to this random checkout chick at the supermarket, I post this:

"...that feeling [of love] has [not] shown itself with the girl at uni; I'm starting to doubt it again."

Then, I walk into class on Friday, see her, and think:

"no no no i take it back, i take it back, i wanna talk to this one, this one this one this one :D"

...yeah :P Nothing too complicated here: I'm just getting impatient. Desperation is starting to rear its ugly head, and while that may push me to do something that might actually lead to some progress (a dirty word in my world), it could also lead to me doing something dumb, like overthinking this even more than I already have.

I did get an idea though—don't laugh, I'm serious >.< Anyway, my writing class buddy got 85% on his assignment, which isn't surprising given how talented he is. Anyway, because I got to class late, I didn't see the original distribution of assignments. Each assignment had a yellow post-it note with our mark on it; so my friend had his 85% out in the open for all to see as it was handed along the table to the back. 85% also happens to be the minimum requirement for a High Distinction, the highest classification of mark you can get as far as assignments are concerned, so the tutor wrote "HD" and "A++++" on the post-it as well. After class, my friend told me about how the girl I like saw the assignment and went "Ooohhh, 85!" or something to that effect.

Now, my friend doesn't know about this whole infatuation debacle (because I see this as a "thing" even though it really isn't, so I keep this to myself in the real world :P), so he had no real incentive to tell me that; it must have been genuinely funny or otherwise noteworthy. That means she's impressed by high marks, by an assessment that demonstrates quality in one's ability to write. So, maybe if I get a mark of 85% or higher on my next assignment, and she sees it, perhaps it'll impress her—maybe not a lot, but at least a little. That might give me the confidence boost (in terms of my own view of myself as well as her view of me) I need to get something going here :) 85 is a big step up from 68, but if this girl gives me the motivation to get that mark, so be it. It's a utilitarian marking system—they don't give a fuck how I get the grade, so long as I attain it on my own merits.

I guess it could just be the two weeks I had without seeing her, but it was hard not to look at her that afternoon—I had to indulge myself in quite a few glances on Friday. She gets more beautiful every time I walk into that room. I start wanting to write things about her just because she is there. I want to write things to read out loud in class to drop the hint, just to push the line and see what happens. Her flaws are becoming less and less important. I want to have her between my arms and snuggle her tight, poke my head around from behind, glance into her eyes (which pop right out of her head), and kiss her. I want to see her laugh and smile because it makes me so happy when she does :)  I don't even give a fuck how cliché or lovey-dovey it sounds.

As for the girl at the supermarket, I saw her the Tuesday before. Didn't say anything (she didn't even ask me how I am... what kind of employee conduct is that >.<), but I did catch her name. There was only one person with that name who looked even remotely like her on Facebook—she's friends with a Christian friend of mine, and she appears to be a musician. I don't see much potential in dating a religious muso :P I'm sure she's a nice girl, and the conclusions I've jumped to here could obviously be dead wrong seeing as I'm going off so little, but the outlook is pretty negative right from the get go in terms of common ground. The girl at uni, on the other hand, is a writer, and a smart one too; she's pulling me a lot more.

...if anyone has a gun, you are welcome to put it to the back of my head, escort me to this girl's house, and force me to ask her out... I won't tell on you >.>

EDIT: I just realised that plan won't work because we hand this assignment in at the end of term and she will never see my mark. Fuckity fuck >.<

Sociologicalism: trololol I Just Wanted to Invent a Word :D

And I did so yay ^_^

My life is so out of whack right now. Wednesday was just fucking weird. The night before, I went to sleep at around 3 am, waking around 9 and getting up at 9:15, skipping a lecture I would usually not skip (even given its presence in the morning). The day after that was no less of a bludge than usual, but I'd somehow managed to stay awake on only 500mL of iced coffee and a bag of Doritos (dat breakfast :P). I went out last night to see a movie with a friend, catching up with another friend in the process. I get home at 11, mess around on the computer for half an hour or so, then go to bed. I decide to masturbate, just to be sure I have a good sleep—for some reason, however, this doesn't seem to work as well as it used to. A good wank used to knock me right the fuck out, whether it be through fantasy or pornography—I wouldn't even have enough energy to pull my pants back up. Last night, as has happened many other times recently, I climaxed, had a good release, then closed my eyes and tried to sleep... but failed to actually fall asleep :P One of two things seems to happens now: either I fall asleep for one or two hours, then wake up at some ridiculous time in the morning, or I close my eyes but just end up lying there with my eyes closed rather than actually sleeping. Either way, I end up falling asleep at some totally unreasonable hour. It sucks :( I don't even know which one it was last night, but the workout didn't leave me as exhausted as I wanted it to. Am I doing something wrong? It's not like it feels any less good to come, nor is it taking any less time or effort than usual. Is it... broken? Oh noes D:

Interestingly, at around 5:30 yesterday, a friend says she's going to see two movies at uni and asks if anyone else wants to come along. I'm like ":O it's that thing where you go somewhere that's not your house! :D" Might not be the most exciting shit to do, but it's an opportunity nonetheless, so off I go. Once I get there, I meet up with one of my other friends in the library, and he immediately feels the need to bring my social awkwardness up:

"I would introduce you to my friends, but you know..."

"Yeah, I won't say anything; I'll just stand there like a retard."

"Yup xD"

I would be insulted but the dude is right :P

We talk a little, but for some reason, my mind just isn't in the right place. I'm not preoccupied thinking about an assignment or a girl or a game or anything else; I'm just not thinking positive at this point. Maybe it's because of what my friend said—I don't really know nor care, but it's still bothering me that I'm feeling really awkward around someone I've known and been friends with for this long. We're talking sure, but I'm finding it hard to think of something to say in reply to his dilemmas in studying Commerce. Sure, I go to uni too, but I'm a Creative Writing student. We have no exams, so we have nothing to really 'study' in the conventional sense. The course structure is so different that I can't relate to what he's talking about. I understand what he's talking about—I went through high school and did exams just like everyone else—but I'm so far from that world now, it's hard to relate in this environment. We're still talking though; there is still a conversation, my responses are just slow and not really interesting or well thought out.

Then the friend I'm going with shows up. She sits down and they start chatting about their upcoming midterms (they share a class or two from what my awful memory can gather). Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there listening, hoping for a good moment to interject, but nothing really comes up that I can join in on. Eventually, she actually asks me directly how uni is, and I can't come up with much more than "Yeah, it's OK. I get here, I go to class, I go home". Only when you say it out loud do you realise how sad it is :P I even said after my quietness was brought up that I just wasn't thinking straight.

Eventually, we get to the cinema. It's just the two of us, kind of strange seeing as I liked the girl just under a year ago (or loved? Oh crap, now I have to start considering actual use of that word... love, you're still a prick around here, just so you're aware >.<). It's like what I originally wanted to do with her but not really but kinda, you know? To be honest, there was no awkwardness for me once we actually got in the theatre, which was good—just two friends seeing two movies :)

Behind the scenes, however, my subconscious was verbally instructing me on how to behave during the course of the first film:

"I know you're gonna fuck this up if I'm not here so I'm staying with you the whole time. Now, you know how when you're with other friends, you crack jokes under your breath all the way through? Don't do that."

"but but——"

"I don't care how funny you think you are—keep your fucking mouth shut."

"...k :( "

The first movie was actually way better than I thought it'd be. A film about four Aboriginal girls who want to be music stars being offered a trip to Vietnam during the eponymous war sounds like one's typical "Racism is bad, sexism is bad, war is bad >:( " hippie-bullshit flick. But it was really enjoyable with a lot of funny moments, making up for the somewhat predictable plot.

Towards of the end of the film, the group is performing for troops at a USO show type dealie. The manager of the group is with them at the performance. As you'd expect, the Viet Cong launch an aerial assault and blow the place to shit. The four girls escape alive on helicopters, but the manager is struck by a bullet while he scrambles through the crowd; this is seen from the girls' point of view as they're ascending in the helicopter. The moment he's struck by the bullet, my friend puts her hands over her mouth (it was a pretty sudden strike, as is usually the case with ballistic trauma :P).

Thirty seconds later:

"...maybe I should hold her hand..."

"I beg your pardon?"

"she got kinda freaked out there, maybe I should hold her hand——"

"What the hell are you talking about? Do you think this is some kind of romantic outing? Keep your hands to yourself."

"but but maybe it'll show i'm confident and assertive and stuff——"

"All that's going to demonstrate is that you can't remember that she isn't interested in you. Stop being ridiculous. She isn't even frightened—she was just startled because it was so sudden. That isn't a hint for you to get all touchy-feely, you fucking nimrod. It's a comedy, not a horror film. And it happened thirty seconds—no, sixty seconds ago! Even if this was a date, you would've been too fucking slow to react anyhow."

"...stfu >.<"

"No, you shut the fuck up! See how her hands are back in her lap? You wanna risk that move, boy? You see a cute moment; I see a goddamned lawsuit, as well as a smack upside the head. And what were you gonna do if she hadn't put her hands down yet? Pull her hand away while she's still covering her mouth and wrap your own hand around hers? The fuck kind of move is that? Just watch the movie. That is what you are here for: to watch a movie. Jesus Christ, seriously, the shit I have to put up with..."

Lots of derpy things go through my head :P Thankfully, the intermission allowed for some actual proper conversation—obviously, we had the movie to talk about, then it moved on to other stuff. I was honestly just happy to be engaged in conversation of some form that wasn't awkward, forced, or depressing. For me, that's miraculous—epic win :D

The second movie was good in its own way. When one hears of a film with a plot that outlines the development of the first vibrator, images of an American sex comedy to mind, but this one was set in late-19th-century England—somewhat successful at the very least. Complexity wasn't to be found in this plot; it was only there to give the double entendre and pantomimed orgasms an excuse to be there. I liked the first movie more, but it was still worth seeing both (and for five bucks, it was a fuckin' steal).

On the way back to her car, I had more trouble finding stuff to talk about, but I think we ended up talking about uni and some other crap, carrying through until we arrived at my house.

The whole thing just got me thinking about the extent to which I fail in social situations, even with people in my own friend group. You get me in a large enough group of people I know and I hold nothing back. You get me in a one on one and I have no goddamned idea what I'm doing. I guess I'm always looking at this from the perspective of a comedian: the more people there are, the more chance there is for laughter, through more people being present and through laughter being infectious at times. You know you're socially awkward when you see every conversation as a fucking stand-up performance with audience participation... and the audience participates more than you do :P

It also got me thinking about how little I have to talk about when in social situations, but a lot of what people talk about stems from their involvement in other social situations, a "chicken or the egg?" type situation which sucks all kinds of balls. I guess my friend here and I don't have too much in common, just enough to have a short conversation. I should probably speak to her more often on Facebook like I did when I liked her—I have friends with less in common than what is here, but we can have an interesting, free-flowing conversation simply because we're good friends and know each other really well.

Then those people fuck off to Queensland and Sydney and return only on occasion.

I'm just that bad a person to be around :P

Love: ???

love/lʌv/n. profound and caring attraction towards someone.

Not sure why the dude didn't just look it up in the dictionary.

I've been playing through The Ballad of Gay Tony again, and seeing as the plot revolves around the poor financial situation of a nightclub manager, the game has its share of club music (some of which I actually like, despite my usual disdain). Quite a few of the tracks mention love, which got me thinking about Haddaway's question.

Calling it 'Haddaway's question' makes it sound more official than it should be, like it's up there with the Monty Hall problem and the Ken Burns effect. Hmmm...

Anyway, it did get me thinking about love, what it means to me and other people, that kind of thing. The songs I mention speak of love like it's nothing, as if you fall in love with someone every time you hit the fucking dance floor. That's retarded. But these are pop songs—I can't expect any linguistic merit.

Personally, the mention of 'love' is of a far greater danger than that of 'shit', 'fuck' or 'cunt' ever will be. As a matter of fact, 'love' is by far my least employed common four letter word, at least when you compare it to how often other people use it. I don't use it unless I mean it, and that ain't often. Romantically, I don't know if I've ever really 'loved' someone. I've been very strongly attracted to girls before, sure, but is that love? Could be, I guess. The only love I can really confirm, if any, is that for my girlfriend when we were going out. I definitely loved her, more than anything. The shit I went through when we split assures me of that—I wouldn't have been so down for so long had I not lost that which I loved. But did I love her before we started dating? I definitely had serious, heartfelt feelings when the relationship started, but they got stronger when we started going out. Did it cross over the threshold at that point? Or had it already done so? I dunno. Perhaps that growth in feelings was the difference between loving her and being in love with her. To be honest, I never thought about it that way; I just fucking wanted to be with her more than anything else in the world; I wasn't caught up in a clusterfuck of semantics. Having said that, though, I regret never telling her I loved her. I can't remember ever telling her. That's kinda lame :P The one time I'm damn sure I'm in love and I fail to mention it verbally. Oh well, next time.

That's the thing for me: it's how we talk about love. I guess having written the paragraph above, I can come to the conclusion that for me, personally, romantic love is having what I would otherwise call 'serious' or 'heartfelt' attraction to a girl. Thing is, even though I've had that feeling before, several times, I have never felt it appropriate to go up to the girl in question and tell her I love her. To me, it just seems like a lot to dump on someone if I get across that I ain't kiddin', that I love this woman, especially if they don't love me back (which I've always felt to be more likely than not :P). It just seems a little intense. If I was going to ask a girl on a date, the word 'love' would not turn up in the final draft of the written proposal I'd be using to rehearse :P If I got the impression the feelings were reciprocated, perhaps I would mention it, but that's unlikely. I'm horrible at admitting my feelings for girls, whether it be through asking them out or just telling them how I feel, so I'd be playing it as safe as possible if I ever did convince myself to go ahead with it.

It's not just telling them directly either; expression in other areas can also be a problem. Not only would I be keeping this information away from the woman in question, I'd also be sure as fuck not to tell anyone else I loved her either. I'd probably tell a few of my friends if I liked a girl, if I had a crush on her or something, but like hell would I be telling anyone I loved her. Think of how differently you'd react if you were told someone liked you or if you were told someone loved you—no matter what your definition of 'like' and 'love' is in this context, 'love' is almost certainly stronger than 'like', so it'd have a lot more impact. In writing, however, I'd probably be inclined to go the other way and express my love as strongly as possible. The girl I kinda like at uni at the moment (my feelings for her are all over the place, definitely not love :P) writes what seem to be love poems, or at least poetry that deals with how the subject feels for someone. It's beautiful to listen to. I wish I loved someone so much that I had to pour my heart and soul into a written work.

That's my biggest gripe with my life at the moment: I'm nowhere near love at the moment. I really want to feel for someone like that again—it's been nearly a year now and I miss it so fucking much. I want that urge for someone that never goes away, that's so strong nothing can kill it, so powerful it makes me do crazy shit. It's the most vibrant thing—with it, I wake up everyday feeling like nothing can stop me. I want to progress towards it and have it again. Knowing that I'll only have such feelings for a girl if I know about their personality, the only way to get anywhere here is to meet and chat with girls, so this all stems from me not getting out much. Infatuation can give a similar, less powerful feeling, but only for one or two weeks, and not even that feeling has shown itself with the girl at uni, so I'm starting to doubt that again.

Most of all, though, I want a girl to love me. I think that if a girl loved me, I'd probably love them back just knowing that—it'd be so incredible to hear such a thing that I'd be taken aback by the very truth of it. While I know I loved my ex, I don't know if she loved me. I know she at least liked me enough to date me, and I think her feelings for me were genuine, certainly; but I don't know if what she felt for me fit her definition of romantic love, whatever that might be. Just like I never said it to her, she never said it to me either. She wasn't one to be too vocal with emotional stuff, but it'd be interesting to know how she truly felt (I say this having heard from a friend of mine that she only said yes when I asked her out because she didn't want to turn me down, but at the same time, she seemed genuinely happy to be with me, especially in the initial stages, so I don't know what to make of that—I'd kill for clarification, but I know that ain't comin' :P).

Can't wait to go back to that goddamned supermarket... hopefully the fact that this random checkout chick has been on my mind for two weeks will be worth it :)

Dates: The Point of No Hypothetical Return

Yesterday, I recorded some commentary for a gaming video I uploaded to YouTube. Towards the end, I talked about this girl I like at uni, mentioning how I was attracted to her but not in love with her or anything—I just like what little I see and know. I also said I was more just longing for a relationship in general, and that liking this girl was a driving force behind that.

Later that same day, I went to the supermarket. Upon reaching the row of checkouts after getting everything, I didn't really scan to see if there was an empty one; rather, I just assumed they were all in use, and went for the one with the old lady who only had a basket of groceries, thinking she'd be serviced the quickest . After putting the bags on the conveyor belt (more or less establishing that this was the till I'd be using), I looked to my right to see a till operated by a young girl, probably a little younger than me, and she wasn't servicing anybody, so I'm like "Ah crap, oh well" in recognising the lack of efficiency in my choice of till :P  Upon looking back at the girl again, I realised that I hadn't encountered her at the supermarket before this point in time; I assumed she was new. She was actually kinda cute. Now I'm thinking "Typical—you miss the most obvious opportunities, boy :P", but just continued unpacking stuff. Upon looking back a third time, she actually looked a little dejected. You're new to the job, you're available for service, but the customer picks another till anyway... yyyeeaaahhh :P  Granted, perhaps she looked like that the whole time and I only really noticed upon my third look at her, but it's not all that improbable that I kinda made her feel bad by accident :P

It's not like I feel guilty or super-regretful about it, but I really wish I could go back and change that, make it so I went to her till instead—not for her sake, for my sake :P Thing is, what would have happened? I can't imagine it going any differently than it would have at any other till: I put my stuff on the conveyor belt, they pack it, I pack the trolley, it's paid for, and I leave. I don't think I would have had the guts to actually say anything to her, other than replying to the "How are you?" they're obliged to send your way—it's not like I'm in the habit of chatting up checkout chicks :P  I might have looked at her a bit, but I can almost guarantee no verbal exchange would have occurred.

Thing is... doesn't this play right into my hands? Isn't this exactly what I want? I complain internally and externally about having no real opportunities to talk to girls (none where I don't have to start a conversation out of the blue for no apparent reason, at least), but how much easier could it be than this? I go to her place of work, where her hours are given to her via the roster—provided the roster doesn't change such that her hours are different (and, with my luck, it probably will :P), she'll be there on the same day at the same time, meaning I can schedule my own arrival around that predictability. Not only that, but, provided her till is the quickest one can access (be it through her not servicing anyone, or being the closest to be done servicing), I am given every logical reason required to be in her presence. And, just to make things incredibly easy on my part, she will definitely start off the conversation for me—she will ask me how I am! How much easier could this shit actually be!? All I have to really do is keep the conversation going while unpacking stuff; that is all I have to do. Perhaps I'll find out she's not my type by the way she talks, or her attitude towards me, but who knows, right?

I have never wanted to go back to the supermarket at all, let alone so badly :P

Of course, upon realising this, this over-dramatic response is playing out in my head for my own entertainment: "I seriously can't believe what just happened. Opportunity tapped you on the shoulder, said 'Hey, I made this just for you', and what do you do? You SET IT ON FIRE AND THROW IT AT HIS FACE! And you WONDER why you don't have a fucking girlfriend; perhaps your opportunistic BLINDNESS has something to do with it >.<"

I'm not crazy if I know that's an overreaction... right? >.>

Again, it's not like I'm head over heels in love; I just see a clear cut opportunity here. This plays into my hands far to much for me to pass it up if it comes by again.

What it got me thinking about, however, is what I effectively want out of an encounter with either of the girls I've mentioned. Optimally, I want to get their contact details, use that to keep in touch with them, befriend them, and then ask them on a date. That's how I did it with my first girlfriend, and that's how I want to do it for the next girl I ask out—that way, I know more about who she actually is and can actually develop a more genuine, heartfelt attraction rather than the infatuation(s) I have now. I also wanna know if the girl in question already has a boyfriend before I ask :P  But typically, a guy just asks a girl on a date, finding out about her on the date, sooner rather than later (provided she accepts).

I can't bring myself to do that :P

Not only do I prefer the friend route because I get to know the girl, but the girl also gets to know me. She'll know in advance about my personality, my interests, and most importantly, my flaws. I'd feel like a dick asking a girl out with her not knowing how I eat. I don't wanna be put in the position where she suggests lunch or dinner and I have to be like "yeah... how aabbouuutttt something else? " That's just rude :P  It obviously makes me feel uncomfortable, but if/when she finds out how weird I dietary habits are (whether that's right there on the spot, or at the date itself—postponing it any longer is a serious dick move :P), she's gonna feel awkward too. Whether it be for A: suggesting a meal for the date, or B: agreeing to go out with a guy who eats like that in the first place, she's not going to feel comfortable at all. Yes, I could suggest a movie (or whatever else) myself, but with that, she could easily say she'd prefer a meal anyway, so it's luck of the draw no matter what. I just don't think it's right to spring it on a girl out of the blue that I eat this badly :P

I don't give a fuck about the 'risk of being friendzoned' either. The friendzone can only be a problem if you already have enough friends. I have hardly any friends :P  I'm grateful for the ones I do have, very much so, but it's not like I couldn't do with some more friends. I'd be quite happy for girls to suck my friendzone and swallow my common ground :P  Sure, maybe it'll be too awkward if (read: when :P) I get rejected and dissolve into shit, but again, I can't account for everything—it's just not possible. Is it wrong to befriend a girl just to ask her out? I don't think so. Not only is it the lesser of two evils in my book, but it's not like the girl's gonna be totally surprised that some random guy who talked to her and befriended her also really likes her and wants to go out with her. She'd have to be fucking braindead not to figure that out, and intelligence is the only real concrete prerequisite I have for a girl I want to be in a relationship with. She'll probably have made her mind up well in advance anyway, perhaps even telling me before I ask. Then, of course, comes the question of how this friendship is to come about in the first place, but I can deal with that when the time comes :P

I guess this'll mean it'll take longer for me to find someone, but if I can deal with it for one-and-a-half years, the wait isn't really an issue.

I kinda hope this girl at the supermarket (provided I see her again—llooonngg shot :P) is a little shy. I'm pretty sure the girl at uni isn't really shy, so it'll be good if this new one is. I guess I'm attracted to that too, and obviously it makes the girl easier to talk to :P  And a girl who can't hold her smile/laugh back is just cute :)

yay for cute things :)

Going Out: or How I Want to Learn to Stop Worrying and Love the Bombshell on the Dancefloor

I mentioned in my last entry how my social life really wasn't very active. Most of my socialising takes place online, either with the few friends of mine I talk to on MSN or Facebook, or playing GTA IV with forum buddies over the PSN. Things could certainly be worse—I had my first real birthday party in years a few days ago with friends, and even though we only really played multiplayer games for six or seven hours, it was still heaps of fun, and they enjoyed it. It's not like my social life is non-existent; it could just do with some variety, I guess.

As would be evident by now, I've never really been one to go out to bars or clubs. I think I've been in a bar once in my adulthood, and it was pretty boring, but it was a family thing so I couldn't expect anything of it anyway :P  But, whilst I remain socially celibate, almost everyone I know goes out. It's what this fucking age bracket is known for doing :P  I constantly see photos of people I know at bars or clubs or wherever, and they at least look like they're having a good time... soooooo why the fuck am I not there?

Well, first off, it's not like opportunities have been jumping out at me. I can't remember any (and I mean any) parties or bar/club outings I was invited to in high school (except for my formal's after-party which I'll get to later), and that trend continues for the most part to this day. I had so few connections in high school that nothing came my way in terms of invites to parties of the more mature form—no raves, no discos, no piss-ups, no nothing. As for since then, I have been invited out to a club by my friends twice from memory, but that's literally every invite I have actually been able to actually take into consideration. I said no to going with my friends on the two mentioned occasions. Doing so was admittedly a bit dumb, but I wasn't open to the idea at all at the time—it's finally piqued my curiosity enough for me to develop interest.

This leads me to my second point: the only 'party' party I've even really been to is that godforsaken formal after-party, and that really doesn't count for shit :P  It's the closest I've come, however, so it'll have to do, in all its horridness :P  And half the reason it was so shitty for me was my naivety. I reacted to that whole situation the way I did because I was new to the environment; everyone else there was used to the environment. They'd all done this shit a million fucking times. It was nothing to them. This was just their thing. They'd been doing it for years, and they were all well accustomed. I had no real clue of what to expect, and what I was presented with sucked every type of ball one could possibly suck.

Even though I managed to make a new friend out of the ordeal, said ordeal remains mostly bad :P  I mean, I still remember seeing Sally at the after-party, sitting there at the campfire, looking depressed and not enjoying herself. This shit happened eleven fucking months ago, and I still can't get it out of my head. And I don't think it ever will go away, either. It's not like this prevents me from living my life day to day; it just pops up from time to time, and it only ever serves to fuck with my head. Half of me still wants to make her feel better, and half of me just wants none of it to ever have happened. No picture of her smiling on Facebook or anywhere else will fix that; I think only seeing her happy in real life will. Probably just me and my complete inability to forget shit like this (through repeatedly mentioning it in blogs :P).

I don't want to react to every little negative thing at a party like that, but at the same time, what am I supposed to do when I see people not enjoying themselves? Not feel bad for them? The only reason people end up ignored and alone at parties is because the consumption of alcohol by the majority destroys one's ability to think about other people.

...off track? What are you talking about >.>

Having gotten that shit off my chest, I'll just take the after-party to be what it is: an outlier. Moving on.

I guess my third and final reason is the fear residing in exposure to this new atmosphere as a whole. Larger social situations usually suck for me, but they're all family events where I don't fucking know anyone (as an awkward penguin, having family ties to Italians is just awful :P), so that's probably the explanation. When I'm with friends, I'm a lot more open and willing to engage, so that's where I wanna be: with them. All the time. As in, no one leaves my goddamned side for any reason ever :P  I don't wanna be left by myself at any point during the evening, and I'll cling to someone if I have to. When I'm mostly surrounded by people I know, and/or I'm in a calmer environment, this isn't a problem: out comes the trusty iPod Touch, saviour of all lonely moments, to bring me my alternative to alcohol: Tetris :)  But in a club/bar? That's just gonna look fuckin' dorky, and it kind of defeats the entire purpose :P

I guess I don't wanna be introduced to a group of strangers by my friends (or anyone else), and then have my friends leave me there alone with the strangers, who then talk predominately amongst themselves while I stand there trying to find a suitable moment to interject, confidence fleeting all the while, until it gets too awkward for me and I leave. I seriously fucking hate that shit. Whatever happened to the buddy system, damn it :P

Even with all that said, however, I still wanna do this. I never thought I'd actually say this, but staying at home is getting kinda boring. I still love gaming and writing, but I wanna do other stuff. I don't wanna get pissed and set things on fire, and I don't wanna hit on drunk chicks until I get to stick my dick down their throat, but I do wanna meet some more people and do something other than sit on my arse at a computer :P

And I know I'll like at least some of it because I know I like taking risks sometimes. I always get a huge adrenaline rush when I do things for the first time, and it's something I always cherish and want more of at the time—it's all a matter of getting the ball rolling. Even my Year 10 Formal was awesome for me because it was new and exciting; mightn't have been exciting for them, but it was for me. I loved every minute of that. I managed to lose myself in the music and just fucking dance. I hate dancing while self-conscious (and, of course, for most, that's where the alcohol comes in :P), but when I'm so immersed that I let the beat go to my head and let loose, it's awesome (from memory—that's happened, like, twice :P). It's the same feeling I had when I asked Sally out in the first place, or asked my girlfriend out, or kissed her for the first time, or when I do stand-up: it's being dangerous and liking the thrill, a.k.a being a young person.

I don't wanna do this just because everyone else is. Obviously seeing my friends doing it is getting me interested, definitely, but I wanna do this to expand my horizons and encounter new things. I hate social norms and the concept of adherence to normality in general. I used to be really good at ignoring them too, but Facebook (and the internet in general) makes that a lot harder. Like, I never used to care that I don't drink—my body, my decision, doesn't affect anyone else. But then I get to thinking if people will judge me on that principle and make assumptions of my character based on that single trait. Same with my virginity: unlike my teetotalism, I actually want to fuck, but I haven't yet, and thinking about the fact that most people lose their virginity at around seventeen/eighteen makes me feel really insecure about myself (maybe I would have gotten some pussy by now if I'd been to a few parties, hmm? Hmm? >.<).

But the fact of the matter is that there is no 'correct' answer to the question "Do you drink?", and there is no 'correct' age to lose one's virginity at (I seriously wanna do it soon though—"I started having sex at nineteen" and "I started having sex at twenty" sound worlds apart, don't they :P). Normality in this sense is just a way for the corporate world and the media to alter my mindset and get me to submit to their 'fit in and be happy' mentality.

Another thing, just a question about the current state of affairs here: is there anywhere a guy can have a fucking slow dance anymore? I seriously wanna do that. Like a ball or something, that's the kind of environment I'm talking about. Doesn't even have to be a slow dance—just a one-on-one kind of dance scenario will do! Something where I can find/take a girl in a nice silk dress and dance with her all night long, hold her in my arms , twirl her around, all that jazz. Is this available for people my age? Or is it clubs and shitty wub-wub-neow-neow music for the young people and everything else for the middle aged and old people? I guess I can't get over how my Year 12 'Formal' had no such thing at any point during the dance session. Is this some archaic desire no other couple has? Is something wrong with me here?

...tangents. Tangents everywhere.

I guess I just wanna get out and do shit. I'll have to procure some ID beforehand (driver's test is piss easy, if I recall correctly the practice test I did and how fucking laughable that was :P), but that's all I'll really need... well that and common sense. I should probably bring a jacket this time, rather than just bringing my iPod and my wallet with two condoms inside :P

...I wonder if I'll ever get to use one of these things before they expire...

Slogans (Poem)

Once you snap, crackle and pop open some happiness
and taste the finger lickin' good rainbow,
you'll broadcast yourself
and give power to the players.
It melts in your mouth, not in your hand,
so let your fingers do the walking,
because you're worth it.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste,
but it's the choice of a new generation!
Impossible is nothing.
Just do it.
Be what's next.
Change the game.
Live for now.
Life's short, play more.
Reach out and touch someone
while you rule the air
and eat the breakfast of champions,
because Guinness is good for you.

Have You Met Life Today?
Is it live, or is it Memorex?
Did somebody say McDonalds?
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Do you... Yahoo?
Got milk?
Has it changed your life yet?

You've got questions; we've got answers.
We're in touch with tomorrow,
and we're expanding possibilities.
We have ideas for life,
and we bring good things to life—
because life's good.

We're leading innovation
but we're quietly brilliant,
the perfect experience.
Every kiss begins with a Kay
and nothing runs like a Deere—
it just keeps going and going and going.
Good to the last drop,
but a little dab will do ya!
It's the best a man can get,
it's built for the road ahead,
and it will put you in the drivers seat—
it's so easy, a caveman could do it!
It's the real thing,
and it's make believe,
it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin',
and with a name like Smuckers,
it has to be good!

Our relentless focus on you
means everyone's invited
to stick together
and have a break, have a KitKat.
Obey your thirst,
don't be evil,
and fly the friendly skies.
Think small.
Think big!
Think different
with the computer for the rest of us.
Share moments, share life,
and put a tiger in your tank
to fight the lion that leaps from strength to strength
so you can eat mor chikin!
See what we mean?

by Liam McCann

Just a poem I wrote for a uni assignment that I was proud of (I figured I might as well publish some of my other work here to break of the tedium of bitching and whining you usually end up finding :P). It's not really a conventional poem, but as far as I can tell, that's the literary form in use here. Apart from a few extra words inserted for grammatical adherence, the poem is comprised solely of lines used in promotions of some form, whether only in the past or still to this day. If in doubt to which business is behind the slogan, Google is your friend.

If you wanna leave your opinion on the piece, go right ahead. All constructive feedback is appreciated :)

Desire: Need Moar Persistence

For a while now, I've understood that human beings are primarily creatures of emotion—we react with our hearts before our minds. That said, I usually look to reason as the optimal way to think, as the way to bettering myself, but I've been realising for a while now that this simply isn't true. I've mentioned more than enough times that, as far as relationships and sex go, I'm not getting anywhere. My social life isn't quite as horrible as I can make it out to be, but it could be improved on so many levels. I mean, just today, I played Grand Theft Auto IV for about five hours straight, playing with friends in a set of games I organised to celebrate my nineteenth birthday. Most people would go "That's how you spent your birthday? Stuck in front of a computer screen, driving around shooting pixels on a screen? Seriously?", to which my response would be "Yes. And it was awesome :D". I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It's all relative: because I'm not used to being in large groups of people, getting pissed at parties and fucking anything that moves (and because I prefer gaming to partying as a social medium), this was so far above the norm for me that it had a huge effect on me. I organised my real-life birthday party (something I haven't really had for five or six years now) to be similar: multiplayer gaming, just split-screen instead of online. I'm sure it'll be great fun too—split-screen gaming has always been something I enjoy, so I'm sure that will only serve to compliment the company of those I enjoy spending time with.

I feel happy about all this because I'm actively trying to satisfy my needs and wants in this area, whereas I'd typically think "Nah, they've got better things to do. I'd be wasting their time." There wasn't much reason involved here beyond "I have a group of friends, and we typically engage in this way; therefore, organising to meet in this environment with these people will probably result in a positive experience"—and that's only what you get once you deconstruct the original thought of "Hey, I'm gonna invite some people I know to this place we all like. That should be fun :)". There's no conscious thought process, it's something people just do. When you cut out the reason, and simply go with the possibilities, it evidently provides for the more positive outcomes. Luckily, I have the train rolling now; I just need to maintain it. Starting these things is always the most tricky part for me, so the worst is over—not that it'll be piss easy, but the more involved I am in my social life, the more natural it will feel to engage in a social manner.

When I come to relationships, however, even though it's also a largely social aspect of life, I become a lot more self-conscious and unwilling to act. I guess it's because being in a relationship will draw on a lot more of my personality, habits and beliefs than more general social environments do. The people I was online with earlier have no idea about my weird eating habits, my physique, my interests outside gaming, my religious or moral background—because none of it matters to them. It doesn't impede our ability to play together and get along, and thus has no relevance in this social context. Obviously, with closer friends, these things can (and, certainly, sometimes do) matter; but in a close, intimate relationship, they usually matter quite a bit in terms of attraction.

And this is where reason comes into play. When I look at those aspects of my life, I can't really imagine a girl wanting to be in a relationship with anyone who eats the way I do, or looks the way I do, so I usually end up simply dismissing the possibility as 'irrational'. But, I'm not just some guy who looks like a starving African child without the melanin, with the diet of a 12 year old who lives in a convenience store (I find it quite amusing that I can get 80% of what I eat from one isle in the supermarket—how's that for healthy :P). I mean, I'm in university, I went to an academically selective high school, I engage in critical thinking, and I regularly explore issues politics, religion and language. I am by no means a scholar, but I'm intellectually proficient to at least some degree. Surely, some woman somewhere (most likely of similar intellect) will appreciate that and be drawn to that. In a similar way, I'm not the funniest motherfucker to hit the planet, but I write comedy and have performed it successfully, and I like to take a similar approach to direct conversation. I know everyone has a sense of humour, but I'd like to think I can put a smile on people's faces when I'm around (the group of online friends I mentioned earlier seem to laugh a lot while I'm there and mention their liking of my jocular nature, so I'm not just talking out of my arse :P). While thinking of myself in this way doesn't send my confidence through the roof, it helps it along enough for me to go "You know what? Maybe it will happen again :)"

And there's the other thing: this has already happened. It's been proven to me through personal experience that a girl can have feelings for me and want to be with me despite what I see to be my shortcomings. My ex didn't give much of a fuck about what I ate or what I looked like—granted, her apathy probably played a role in that, but I still feel as though she liked me for who I was on the inside, as I did her. I guess part of attraction is being able to look past things like that and focus on what you love about the person, to maintain that positive framework.

It's not even a primarily sexual thing anymore for me. I mean, I still wanna get laid :P  But if I had a choice between a one night stand and a date, I'd take the date. I miss everything about what my ex and I had, even to this day, nearly two years after it started and one-and-a-half years after it ended. I miss hugging her so fucking much. While I miss her personally, as that one person who had feelings for me, I know I can't get her back; hugging, though, I can experience again, and I so want to. I laugh when I see jokes about people being 'stuck' doing that kind of stuff with their partner. I remember a particular playing of Scenes from a Hat on Whose Line where the performers had to improvise 'Things to do when you're stuck cuddling'. Part of me is just like "Stuck cuddling? Do you know what I'd give for a hug goddamnit >.<"  Again, it's all relative: they're used to it, so it doesn't mean anything to them. Even I got complacent with my girlfriend; I knew she'd be there to cuddle every day, so it just became a ritual. I still liked it, but it wasn't as thrilling as it was before, it was just 'that thing we did'. Because I haven't had this interaction for so long, if I were to experience it again, it'd fill me with warmth faster than I can imagine. As they say, you only know what you've got when it's gone.

I'm so removed from this environment, and hence so sensitive to its elements, that it doesn't take much to make me happy here. Even hearing or seeing the word 'cuddle' (and that adorable derivative of hug, 'huggle'), evokes a surge of energy in me, like all the nerves in my body go "What? Did I hear 'cuddle'? Is there gonna be a cuddle? Man oh man could I do with one of those right now :)". Thinking about wrapping my arms around a girl's waist, leaning against a wall, holding her hands and rubbing the back of them with my thumb, even an image as gentle as that can brighten me up. Just typing that, I started to shake a little because of all the energy this image released into me. The release of breath through sighs of satisfaction, the natural smile on her face, it's amazing to think about. Same when the little spoon becomes the big spoon—I wanna be her little teddy bear, there for her to cling onto as tightly as she wants, never leaving. It reminds me of when my ex would hug me so tightly that I couldn't breathe. It wasn't some kind of erotic asphyxiation thing, she just found it funny that she could squeeze me so tightly that all the air in my lungs would be forced out (probably my only foray thus far into slapstick :P).

All the images I have tend to follow that trend: close physical intimacy. I guess it's all at least a little sexual, but I think that's normal, and good, something to embrace. That's not to mention the fact that there are images I have where nothing sexual even really happens. There was a girl I liked a little less than a year ago, and I repeatedly pictured us on a beach, her head on my shoulder, my arm around her, just looking out to sea. I wanna know what it feels like to be in bed with a woman too. I can only imagine how fucking weird I would have felt doing that with my ex on my friend group's end-of-school trip last year, had we still been together, but I think it would have been beautiful to do (I even remember talking to a friend when the trip was just an idea—I wanted to bring candles, lol). I mean, obviously, there's that part of me that just wants to see a girl naked and stare at her while she sleeps (are pussies ticklish? :P).  But there's just this thing for me, I guess, about 'spending the night together', like we're crossing this boundary into this new realm of maturity. It's kind of mesmerising to think about.

And, of course, there's the sex. For me, dreaming of making love is so much more fulfilling than dreaming of a hook-up. I mean, I've dreamed about hooking up before, and it can be really sexy to delve into that fantasy where two people who don't know each other too much just get horny and wanna fuck each other's brains out, but making love is so much more drawn out and full on. I swear my dick's harder when I dream of making love than when I dream of a hook-up or simply watch porn (which doesn't even come close to fantasising). There's the dream where we're sitting on the edge of the bed, kind of nervous, and we start kissing, and before long, hands depart from around the waist and the neck, and explore the unseen plains of skin under the clothes. Or the dream where we're outside, on a lookout somewhere, or at my/her old school, and we lie side by side and kiss, until one of us rolls on top of the other and gets things moving. Or the dream where we come home from a night out, where one presses the other against a wall and we just feel each other up, pleasuring each other orally and having more sex in 30 minutes than we'd usually have in a month, the animals inside us in complete control.

This is turning into smut. Bad smut. I don't even read smut; how can I have standards :P

But, when you get right down to it, the staple of the relationship is communication: talking and sharing things with one another. I miss having that special someone I could always talk to. I remember on my first date, after the movie had finished, taking my then-girlfriend outside the theatre and just talking. Well, I was talking, she was just laughing. I miss being able to make someone that happy, seeing a girl so vibrant and full of life simply because of what I was saying. And making her feel better when her brother kept calling her a hippo. And the whole cutesy syntax we always spoke to each other in. It was so special to me. I know it was only one relationship, and it was only in high school, not exactly the strongest love I'm ever going to have in my life; but it's the strongest love I've had so far, so it's all I can go off. I've always said that small things to most are big things to me. My time with my ex was the best six months of my life, and I want to do it again. Thing is, I'd so much rather become friends with the girl I like now first and talk to her, because that (if anything) will give me the strong attraction I want to feel before I ask her out. That's how I got it the last two times, and this girl's presence alone simply won't do it for me; I have to do something to get the ball rolling. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to talk to her or be her friend, but maybe a random date is the only way.

And no, she's not on Facebook... damn you, cursed vice to whose convenience in stalking I so quickly became accustomed! :(