Penitence: Hilarious in Heindsight

I was going through my documents and found a Word document called 'Response'. I opened it to find an incomplete apology to a friend of mine, wanting to say sorry to her for publishing blog entries where I mentioned and described dreams in which I had sex with her. She had commented on these entries herself after finding them, and she had a lot to say, three comment blocks worth in fact. I'd post her comments, but it's nearly three pages long, and this entry's gonna be a long one as it stands :P.  To sum it up, she basically clarified some things I wasn't up on (personal things), elaborated her opinion on relationships (sexual and more committed), and criticised the publishing of the sexual stuff as an invasion of her privacy. Upon reading these, I immediately wanted to apologise for what I'd written, seeing as it didn't take long for me to agree with what she'd said. Two others also left comments—a friend of this girl who was also on the trip left one comment, and another guy who wasn't even there left five comment blocks worth of his opinions—but I'll get to those later.

For the record, though the girl is referred to as Lisa (as she was in the blog entries spoken about below), her real name is Lucy. Seeing as she's commented on this blog before, it wouldn't take you more than five seconds to find her real name if I were to conceal it anyway, so there's no point :P  

What's written below doesn't necessarily reflect what she believes anymore, nor what I do. The whole point of this is to look back at what I said in response to her comments and compare my thoughts then to what I think now, like a memoir but of something fairly recent.

"Hey, Lisa. Thanks for reading all of this and giving your 2 cents -- it means a lot to me, given your position in the writing.

"When I liked you and we were talking on FB, I interpreted the flow of the conversation as being due to my feelings for you being requited, but that was an over-reaction -- I assumed too much from too little, seeing things how I wanted to see them rather than for what they were. That's the main problem with me: I jumped to conclusions based on almost nothing the whole way through this thing."

I still do that a bit, lol, but I'm thankfully starting to just take things as they come rather than making misassumptions.

"When we were talking, the conversation flowed better than it has with almost anyone else I've spoken to online who I wasn't already friends with, so by my (inherently flawed :P) logic, I thought you liked me back."

This is coming from someone who had socially isolated himself months before. As if I was in any position to identify a 'good' conversation—I'd had hardly any conversation of this magnitude with more than one or two other people in the past ten-to-twelve weeks :P

"When I found out you didn't like be back in that way, I felt uncomfortable talking to you, and you didn't say "hi' or anything of your own accord, so, by that same logic, I assumed that you didn't want anything further to do with me either. I wanted to own up to my feelings and simply get things off my chest shortly after that, to clear the air so to speak, but I never garnered the balls to do it. I also thought that seeing as you already knew I liked you anyway (I thought you actually knew rather than just having an idea) that there was no point bringing it up, and that you didn't want to talk about it, so I left it, hoping it'd just be a non-issue by the time Schoolies came around -- wrong, once again :P"

Something else I need to stop doing: leaving shit and just expecting it to fix itself :P

"I know it's best to make friends with a girl if you like them first, and see if it progresses from that point -- that was the initial plan when I liked you! 'Get to know her, see if you can be friends, and if it goes further than that, then good; otherwise, you've made a new friend, which is also good.' "

As much as it sounds like bullshit, this was true. I can never read that part without being cynical and assuming people will think I'm lying, even though I know for a fact I meant what I said there. I'd had my eye on her for a while in my last term of school, but never really took the attraction seriously because it was all physical, and I wasn't prepared to talk to her or anything. I didn't even think about her outside of school, though I do remember cracking jokes with a friend of mine about how much I liked her ass (we both knew damn well that I was a perv, lol).

When I did think of her as someone I could maybe talk to or make a move on at the Formal/after-party, however, the thought of me making a new friend did occur:

"[Even though nothing happened between Lucy and I at the Formal/after-party], who knows... that could still go somewhere! Even if it's just friendship, there's always room for one more."

Expectations: Ditch the Motherfuckers, published 24th September 2011

I got Facebook about a week later, and I signed up solely to talk to her, seeing as she was never on MSN. Its functionality has extended far beyond that since then, but that was the original intention behind my joining Facebook: to talk to Lucy. Took me ages to do actually do it, but I eventually did, and we then started having the conversations I mentioned earlier. I went into this with the same mentality: "even if you don't strike a flame, you'll still get a friend. You cannot lose." Men always have to convince themselves they can't lose, even when it's not a fucking competition :P

Might I also add, knowing Lucy could be reading this, that I recall you mentioning something in your blog about not liking the way your upper legs look. I can't be sure how serious you were when you wrote that, and I also know this is gonna sound creepy and objectifying as all fuck, but seriously, your legs, especially your upper legs, were the parts of you I looked at the most. It was awesome to look at them, and to stare at them for any amount of time was time well spent. I certainly don't do it anymore, but I used to back when I liked you, any time I could get a peek. If girls can be attracted to my skinny frame, guys can be attracted to your upper legs, mmkay? :P

...yes, moving swiftly along... >.>

"I guess I saw the friendship as gone when I found out you didn't like me back (and that you'd 'known' since the Formal); and when you didn't try to start any conversation after that, I figured that you were only talking to me because I was starting the conversations, and that you were only replying to be polite and not ignore me. I'm not worried about the "friendzone" -- if anything, I see it as a safety net that allows for a relationship with a girl I have/had feelings for even though it's a friendly one rather than a romantic one."

This is still kinda true. I mean, if I liked a girl, really liked her, loved her even, and I asked her out only to be rejected, I'd still be </3 and  :(  and  >:O  and everything, but when reason came through, it would come through with the knowledge that I might have a new friend. Maybe we couldn't be friends—maybe she'd have been weirded right the fuck out by it and wouldn't wanna talk to me, or perhaps I'd find it too awkward to be around her—but maybe we could be. The possibility is always there.

"The objectification was never something I wanted or enjoyed."

This times a million. It was fucking irritating, seriously. Half the problem was the fact that I couldn't jerk off, cos if I could have just masturbated to get rid of the tension (as opposed to venting through writing, which only seemed to fuel the fire), this probably would have been a non-issue. But like fuck would I have rubbed one out while nine of my friends were in the house at the same time—I wouldn't have even felt comfortable doing that, not for a second :P  I mean, it's not like I was walking around with a hard-on, nor was this a distraction all day, every day; but when it got to me, it got to me :P 

And even if I wanted to jerk off, perhaps while they were sleeping, how would I do it? I'd have to be alone—bathroom's the only even remotely appropriate place (3 other guys in my room, one of whom is gay... yyyyeeaaahhh no :P). I'd have to be silent, too—I can keep my mouth shut and my breathing under control, but the fapping itself? I'd have to be a horny ninja in there, what with all those tiles making my every stroke echo like that. Neither speed nor position would make a damned difference; it'd make at least some noise. And the orgasm? I'd need duct tape over my mouth and a peg on my nose to prevent even the slightest outburst; and now it's turning into auto-erotic asphyxiation which could fuckin' kill me :P When your heart rate's up that high and you're doing such a physical activity, you're already gonna be breathing pretty fast; but to then have the most powerful release a person can bring themselves to... without panting... without moaning... without even sighing... how? Not possible, dude, not possible. And there's no other room I'd be doing it in, nor would I do it outside (not an exhibitionist, lol).

To be honest, given the onslaught of naughty thoughts I had that week, I'm proud I managed to keep my hands off it for that period of time. That's self control right there.

"It was something I was new to; and hopefully, it was something that won't happen again."

xD good luck with that. I wasn't new to the thoughts; I was new to the restraint. Hopefully that won't have to happen again :P

"When I found out that you didn't like me back, I slowly lost all the substantial attraction to who you were, thinking I was over you in every aspect; but when I saw you day in, day out at the house, seeing you dressed the way you were, the physical side of it was revived while the substantial side lay dead beside it."

It wasn't the way she was dressed so much as the fact that, coupled with my inability to relieve all this tension, she was just there all the time (though she did wear short shorts and loose tops sometimes, which, I admit, was kinda nice to look at). I can't help who I'm attracted to—I can control my actions, but not my thoughts. If I think a girl's hot, I'm stuck with that for however long my dick wants to torture me. All I can do is control my actions; and the action of publishing these entries was the mistake here, not the thoughts.

And I did like her for who she was on the inside too, but we'll get to that later.

"I've never been purely physically attracted to someone before that week."

Ummm, bullshit? :P  I haven't been attracted to someone right after they've rejected me before, though—it usually ends on both an emotional and physical level after I'm turned down, up front or through proxy.

"Sally and Bella I liked for who they were, and their bodies were a non-issue. They were nice to look at, but it was nice because it reminded me of who they were, not just for what I was seeing on the surface."

This was true eventually, yes. I loved Sally's body on its own—more in a pretty way than a sexy way, but still an all-physical attraction. Once I learned more about her personality, though, that developed into feelings that a girl's body alone simply can't do for me. Slowly but surely, I fell in love with her, the statement above now true. As for my ex, I actually became attracted to her personality first, then found her body beautiful (before that I just thought it was average, but it grew on me big time as we got to know one another). I also still think they're both pretty girls, but that wasn't the case right after Sally turned me down or when my ex broke up with me; only this time did the physical attraction survive rejection.

"Even when I liked you, even though I knew I liked the way you look, I also knew that was only part of it; I knew we had things in common because we hung around the same people, and that was more-so what drew me to you earlier on. When the latter died and the former lived on, I didn't know what to do, because the feelings wouldn't go away, even though I knew in the back of my mind that nothing was going to happen."

Trufax. It was just frustrating as all hell because it wouldn't stop, and no action of mine could make it stop.

"I agree that sex will always be better with someone you have true feelings for. This is why these lustful thoughts frustrated the fuck out of me: because even if what I was thinking was to happen, it'd be unfulfilling anyway because there was nothing special between us."

I don't really think this way anymore. I've said plenty of times that I'd rather lose my virginity when in a relationship. But when I think about it, if Lucy and I had been physically into one another and had fucked at any stage, I would have felt very fulfilled :P  Losing my virginity consensually will be fulfilling almost regardless of who it's with cos it's something I really wanna do; it's a dream and a goal of mine to do so, and it has been for a long time now.

"The Formal/After-party gave me my first exposure to even the remote possibility of sex, and after it was all said and done, I formed that same opinion; the problem was, the lust was so strong that it took over, and that opinion became an afterthought."

—and it mostly remains an afterthought :P

"By the end, I wanted it so bad that I was willing to discard the fulfilling aspect just to get some -- it was animalistic thought, and it corrupted what little integrity I had to begin with. It's scared me to the point where, sometimes (albeit rarely), I'm at the complete other end of the spectrum, fearing any strong sexual thought due to the possibility of losing control over it again."

Starting to beat myself up here. As I said, I can't control who gets my dick hard, so I shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting sex without being in a relationship. Most people my age are horny bastards and wanna fuck other people—it's totally normal and nothing to feel bad about. And as for 'animalistic', I am an animal, as is Lucy, as is every human being! We're not separate from the animal kingdom; we're part of it! Animals wanna fuck, and we're animals; therefore, we're gonna wanna fuck. Plain and simple.

It didn't corrupt my integrity, either; I just made a little mistake. This is part of what kept me feeling like shit for as long as I did: this whole "I'm a corrupt human being who has no morals and isn't fit for society" mentality. It's practically mental self-harm. Publishing the entries was a dumb thing to do, yes, but I realised this very quickly—that right there means I understood and learned from my errors, as any rational being can. But my emotions took over here, and I hated myself for what I did, this mentality being the result.

"I was always one to think I didn't view women as objects of desire, but as people, with emotions and feelings; that week was to prove me wrong, even if it was only for that week :P"

This I can also verify, although not quite as much as I'd like to. I performed an hour-long stand-up special for a small audience on the Monday before the Formal, the latter half of which was dedicated, incidentally enough, to my love for Sally back in Years 9 and 10. I talked about how boys like girls boobs and asses, but eventually get over it. Though I can't show the video footage, here's an extract from the script:

"This is what will draw the pubescent mind: flesh, humps, figure. This is all a boy is interested in at first… but then you start to get past that. You move away from this girl's curvature, and move up, down, left and right. You start to look at her face, and her hair, and her arms and her legs. Those initial pleasures will still entice you elsewhere. You'll always be checking out the scenery, seeing what's in store -- looking at the other girls -- but this one girl will entice you just that little bit more.

You'll start to look at her facial qualities: her mouth, her nose, her eyes. The eyes are pure magic. They sparkle; they have a dance of their own. One glance from her will fill you with joy for a week! You'll run around telling your friends: "she looked at me! In science, I saw her! She looked at me!" She was just looking at the periodic table behind you---- "bullshit! It was me! I'm the only element she needs!" Then you'll hear her speak… her voice drives you insane. Every time she speaks, you don't just hear words; you hear lyrics tuned to a melody. Anything that comes out her mouth is worth listening to just for the music! You'll want her to answer all the questions; you'll want her to read all her work out; you'll want her to get constipation or a weak bladder just so she'll ask to go to the toilet.

And every time she does open her mouth, you will stop everything you are doing and listen like you've never listened before! Men may not be good listeners when a woman is talking to them; but when a woman is talking around them, flip goes the notepad and click goes the pen! You need information; you need intel! And you'll remember everything about her! Everything! You'll know what classes she has, when she has each class, where she sits down, who she sits with, her height, her weight, the colour of her panties on a Tuesday; everything."

Special Provocations, performed 19th September 2011

Whether you find it funny or not, that's what I thought back then, and it's still what I think now. There is also a direct reference to how misogynistic some of the material may sound right before that:

"...the girls here probably aren't going to find what I'm about to say funny at all, and the guys are probably going to be laughing for all the wrong reasons, but hey: if sexist dogma and dick jokes pass for 'humour', then let me humour you."

I'm clearly aware of the fact that women are people; the objectification was only temporary. Again, yes, I invaded Lucy's privacy by publishing these entries, but that wasn't because I thought of her as an object I could talk about at will; it was due to my social ignorance and failure to recognise the full consequences of my actions.

"Before that week, especially when I liked you, the thoughts were opposite: you were anything but an object. Physically attractive, yes, but you were smart and insightful. We talked about politics and social issues; we talked about things that dumb blonde sluts don't talk about, or think about :P  We both wrote things, we both played games, we both took interest in the world; we shared common ground, and that's why I liked you so much. Your body became less and less important with each conversation -- how could I be drawn by it if I couldn't even see it?"

Damn fuckin' right. I wasn't talking to Lucy just to get into her pants; I really, really liked her. As far as I'm concerned, the feelings were so strong that I loved her. Perhaps this love wasn't as strong as it was for Sally nor Bella, but, from my first lengthy Facebook conversation with Lucy to the time I found out she wasn't interested, I woke up incredibly happy every single day. And it was all because I knew I might get to talk to her, all because I could dream about us together, all because I had feelings for her that meant something to me and that came from my heart. Granted, they're no longer there and we're just friends now, but those feelings were definitely there for a while, and they were very strong, whatever you wanna call it.

"After I found out you didn't like me back, that went; but seeing you every single day got me attracted again, in the wrong way."

Not the 'wrong' way, just in a more superficial, less heartfelt way. Again, I'm beating myself up according to some super-conservative morality I've just pulled out of my ass in a panic due to my remorse.

I saw you in a different light, seeing your body and ignoring your other facets, which lead to a misconstrued picture of who you actually are. I apologise for that, because it isn't

It cuts off here. I remember writing this while I was supposed to be getting ready for a birthday party I was invited to, where both Lucy and my ex would be. I wanted to finish this before she got there on the off-chance she'd see it beforehand, but I couldn't finish it fast enough. My mum was even yelling at me to get ready (she had somewhere to go too), but I didn't give a fuck—this was more important. We both ended up arriving late at our respective destinations due to my attempts to complete this in time. I can't remember what I was gonna write after this, but it would have went along the same apologetic lines.

This was an emotional response, and I can now look back at it with a clear head, commenting on it with reason. I've obviously come a long way since I wrote all this stuff, and can look back on it now and laugh a little—I even wanna make fun of it in my amended version of the stand-up special I mentioned earlier. 

I felt a little uneasy going through this, but I'm alright now that I've finished reading it and going through it. The uneasy feeling is partly because I'm actually going to Lucy's birthday tomorrow today (late night blogging FTW), and because people from school are gonna be there (people I haven't seen since school ended, people who I'm not even close friends with), I fear they're gonna get on my case for all the stuff I wrote. They probably don't even fucking remember any of it, so I don't know what I'm worried about. See? Always an excuse ready and waiting for me to feel bad about social events :P

Speaking of feeling bad, the reason I felt awful wasn't really due to Lucy's comments—they were reasoned, and while they were honest, they were not abrasive nor cruel. Another guy who went on the Schoolies trip also commented, and while he, too, criticised what I did, he also did so in a reasoned manner that didn't hurt my feelings.

There was another guy, however, who left five comment blocks worth of his opinion. This guy didn't go on the trip, he isn't close friends with me, and he didn't even read the entirety of the articles, but still felt the need to 'school' me on how I should approach girls, talk about other people and such. He was a self-righteous cunt in each and every comment, and reading them made me feel like a fucking dog. He went beyond mere criticism; he asserted his supposed social superiority and belittled me to the point where I felt worthless for months. For what I did, I'd say I deserved to feel bad for one-to-two weeks tops—yes, I made a mistake, but I realised my wrongdoings pretty quickly. What needed to be said had already been fucking said by Lucy and the other guy; this dude just reiterated what they'd posted in a condescending manner. He even felt the need to defend himself in relation to the after-party (seeing as he was the guy talking to Sally, which made me rethink that whole thing)—I never even attacked the fucking guy! Male defence mechanism in action right there :P

This guy commented after both Lucy and the other guy, and his arrogant, pseudo-intellecual tone, combined with the sheer volume of his comments (when he'd only read some of what I wrote, no less), shattered me for far longer than I deserved. I thought, seeing as he had so much to say on so little of what I wrote, that what he didn't read must have been just as bad (which it wasn't), and that I should feel abhorrent for my crime against humanity. He made misassumptions left, right, and centre, too. I don't hold anything against him now, but seriously, it was so fucking uncalled for now that I look back. I'd learned my lesson, and these comments went far beyond reasoned, critical commentary, nor were they funny. I'm partly to blame for not being up to the task of recognising this arrogance in the first place, but I still feel he is mostly to blame for the length of my depression.

S'all good now though. I don't regret going on the trip, nor writing what I did; and while the publishing was a dumbass idea, at least I learned something from it, and got an interesting story to tell. That's how I've gotta look at life: if I fuck up, it's five more minutes of material I can use to entertain the masses.

Off to sleep nao :)

Fantasising: Let's Try This Again, Shall We?

Last time I wrote an entry about fantasising, I dun goofed by referring to specific people I dreamed of fucking. Let's not do that this time :P

I still love fantasising about girls—brings about the best orgasms by a mile, and it's just a lot of fun :)  After some of the responses to my aforementioned blog entries, I thought ill of it for a while, but I eventually came to the conclusion that it was the publication of the writing that was the mistake, not the fantasising, or even the writing itself. The fantasising and writing were activities that only involved me and didn't affect other people, not until the writing was made public. What's wrong with fantasising about a friend of yours? Nothing, not with the fantasising alone. If it leads you to think differently of them in the real world, then those are just consequences you have to deal with as a result of your own actions, but so long as you don't over-indulge, it should be fine. And writing about them? Getting a little involved and perhaps a little obsessive, but so long as you don't reveal it to the world, no one's the wiser (unless people somehow find it, even though you've kept it secret... >.>).

I've thought about a few moral dilemmas surrounding this, though, and they don't seem to have black-and-white answers, the truth being dependant upon several variables. First off, let's assume I'm in a committed relationship with a woman. Is it right for me to masturbate to the thought of anyone else? Forget 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife"; let's take a more logical, humanistic approach :P  If I love my partner, then surely that love will survive my fantasising about other women. If I see a chick in the street who's just fucking gorgeous, and I go home and masturbate to the thought of her, have I cheated? No, because I'm still faithful to my partner in practice. The mind is subjected to all kinds of thoughts, and you can't control what it conjures up sometimes. If I have a choice between A) masturbating to the thought of this random hot chick, B) trying to make a move on the hot chick in spite of my relationship because she's just that fuckin' hot, or C) repressing my sexuality and possibly damaging myself psychologically, or worse, risking taking out this sexual frustration on my partner in any way, I'ma go with Option A :P

What about if you fantasise about young teens or kids? Again, if it hurts no one else, it's not a problem—that's the basis for humanism right there—but you're, like, one fuckin' step away from being a sex offender. You're definitely skating on thin ice. And, if it is indeed wrong to fantasise about people way younger than you, when is it wrong to stop fantasising about certain age groups? What is the youngest person someone should be sexually desiring? If you found out that a sixteen-year-old fantasised about a fourteen year old, you'd be like "eh, whatever", but if a forty-year-old did it, alarm bells would go right the fuck off.

I have a school uniform fetish (not really a hardcore fetish, but I find some girls in school uniform are sexier than I'd otherwise find em)—at what point will that become creepy? Is it already creepy? I'm nineteen, and schoolgirls can be eighteen, so even if I was dating a schoolgirl, it could well be reasonable depending on the age gap; but, what about when I'm twenty? Twenty-five? Thirty? Thirty-five? Forty? Fifty? When does it stop being appropriate to dream about being hit on by horny schoolgirls? Is it ever wrong? Who knows.

I also don't know what it is about the school uniform that turns me on so much. It can't just be any old uniform, either; it's gotta show a little here and there. The skirt's gotta be shorter than average, but still not so short that I can see her ass. And she's gotta have a blouse, not a blazer or a jumper or a jacket or anything. I guess it's more the implications: the girl is young, just starting to explore her hormones and sexual desires, or maybe already exploring them and really enjoying it, knowing she can seduce boys at will and make them feel good too. There's just an innocence about the uniform and the school system itself that seems to juxtapose with lust and sexual activity in a way that excites me, like it's breaking the rules even though it really isn't. I mean, if I had a girlfriend (or even a one night stand) and the girl asked me what turned me on, this would be at the top of my list. I can't imagine how fucking pent up I'd get if I ever got to live out that fantasy :P

That's something else I've noticed: the sex in my head is getting a little rougher, and I'm less averse to rougher porn now. I hate videos where the girl is just getting ravaged and is evidently in pain—that stuff is fucking horrible to watch—but if the girl likes it a little hard (I don't mean she pretends to like it; I mean she actually likes it), it's hot. I guess some women like that assertiveness or control of the situation from the guy... I can't be sure. Could be a simple physical thing too where the nerves are more stimulated the harder you thrust into her, or more nerves are stimulated in the first place.

I just love it when the girl enjoys the sex—that's the staple for me. A girl saying 'yes, yes!' over and over, when you can tell through her inflection that she means it, that is the hottest fucking thing she could ever do. When she's having fun and is fully immersed in the act, just as horny as I am, it's just better that way. Sex with a partner is, by its very nature, a mutual thing, so if one person isn't enjoying it, the other probably won't either, at least the way I see it. When I combine the enjoyment with a slow increase in stroke rate, starting off nice and slow, more touchy-feely and kissy-huggy than anything else, and eventually building up to a nice, strong thrust that's fast enough for her to really feel it, it's a pretty awesome thing to imagine ^_^  To be honest, I recreate this in my head in a pretty cliché fashion: the typical "Fuck me daddy"/"Yes, baby!"/Oh God, yes!"/That feels so good!" exclamations, her moaning in pleasure the entire time, mutual orgasms, comments about how she likes how warm my cum is inside of her—stuff right out of a porno, lol.

That's the thing I've gotta realise: sex isn't like this, not in its entirety, and even the individual elements of the fantasy won't show all the time. I mean, first off, I can impress any girl in my fantasies; in reality, I have no skill whatsoever :P  When I have my first time, I'll have to deal with an oversensitive dickhead and the fact that I'll probably cum before I'm even all the way inside her. I have to deal with making sure I'm not hurting her and that she's comfortable (which could be rather difficult, given how bony my pelvis is). Eventually, I can start having some real fun, sure, but the first few times, it's gonna be over before the fun can even begin :P  And even then, these fantasies are completely unrealistic recreations of anything but the greatest sex ever. She isn't gonna moan in pleasure every time I thrust into her, she probably isn't gonna be calling me 'daddy' and exclaiming how much she loves what I'm doing (at least the chances of any of that happening are far lower), and like fuck am I cumming inside her, or even fucking her unprotected in the first place—I have brains that stop me from making dumbass mistakes like that :P

Even the lead-up to the sex is fun to visualise. It always starts out in a different way, though some things don't change. Like, it could be at a house party, a club, my house, uni, one of many places; but it's almost always with a girl I'm only just meeting in the fantasy. It's rare I picture myself having sex with someone I've been with for ages—sometimes I do, sometimes I like to indulge in that sex between two people who just love each other heaps and wanna express that physically—but I usually take the more lustful route in fantasy-land. I started writing how my fantasies go, but it made me... yeah, so I stopped :P  I will finish it, just not in this entry, cos I don't want this particular one to be full of smut—that can go in its own entry. Was pretty fun to write though :)

Speaking of smut, I've recently gotten into erotica, or written porn. It's like that middleground between it being someone else's fantasy, but you still have to do all the work of visualising it in your head. It's pretty cool and I wish I'd gotten in on it sooner. I only dabble in it a little bit, and I only seem to like stories where the guy loses his virginity, seeing as they're usually all about how he's in over his head and just amazed by what's going on. The site I use has lots of incest stories, which is a little weird. But still, once you find a good story, it sucks you right in. There's this one story where this fifteen year old boy starts seeing this thirteen year old at the beach, but she looks a lot older than she actually is; he thinks she's around his age. He starts talking to her, they make out one day, then he feels her up the next day, but she stops him. Next day, she starts blowing him, but she has to leave before he cums (fucking miraculous :P). The next night, he goes to her house, they go to a park, and she blows him again, this time with him cumming in her mouth. They, of course, just laugh it off—makes perfect sense :P  She eventually has him over again, and she shows him this sex tape her parents made. That gets them horny then they fuck each other, with her in a little bit of pain but still liking it. To finish it all off, he, of course, cums inside her (though, upon re-reading the story, he had a condom on, so it's a non-issue).

There's the last thing I wanna talk about: cum. Or is it 'come'? Is 'come' the formal version? Or is it actually spelled 'cum' when you're talking about the act of ejaculation, or semen itself? I can't work it out. I always thought it was like 'fuk' instead of 'fuck' or '4' instead of 'for', but I have no real idea anymore. Lenny Bruce's bit he wrote back in the 50's about the word is titled 'To is a Preposition; Come is a Verb', so it's spelled like the regular word 'come' there, but has it changed to 'cum' since? Or is 'cum' just a popular alternative?

And what is it about cumming inside a girl's mouth, pussy, or ass that's so satisfying? I say this as a guy who fantasises about that very act. Why pull out? Pregnancy and STD's don't exist in my mind! I want to let it all out while inside her, no condom or anything, just release all of it into her body. Is it another assertion thing? Do girls like that? I guess some do and some don't, but even to me, it seems kinda gross. When I imagine myself cumming into a girl's body (or when I'm watching it/reading about it), it feels amazing to visualise, and I can't explain why. It's just this huge surge of energy, then all this warm, sticky stuff just makes its way from one person to the other... then it's just... there... sitting there, all... icky. I've watched cumshots and creampies when horny and been wrapped up in it, but after the fact, it honestly looks disgusting. Semen doesn't exactly smell nice either, and, of course, can initiate pregnancy and carry diseases; anyone can understand why some women wanna avoid it on them or in them at all costs. It's crazy the changes your mind goes through during sexual practices, at least compared to how you'd normally see things.

Who cares, though. So long as it's fun, safe, and consensual, that's all that matters :)

Social Relativism: A Stimulating Depressant

I was reading a friend's blog where she described going to this club and kissing this guy. The post was pretty long (I don't seem to be the only one who overthinks things like this :P), but upon reading it, I felt kind of uneasy—not because it was disgusting or visceral (cos it wasn't), but because it was another one of those moments where I read about someone doing something I see as mature and thinking "Man, I am so behind". That seems to be what sets me off: people doing things I think are beyond my social capabilities, things that take responsibility and a higher risk threshold. The kissing by itself doesn't take a whole lot of anything, but the whole set-up (going to a club that's probably 18+ only, being around alcohol and people who are consuming it, loud music and dancing, kissing a stranger) is something I see as pushing my limits. It's not this scary to most, but it seems daunting to me, only because I haven't done it. I know that if I went to a club like this, I'd probably be fine, but I'd still feel a little nervous given the unfamiliar surroundings. I guess even though I know I'll eventually adjust to it given prolonged exposure, picturing it freaks me out a little.

But that's part of what makes me want to do it: the part that says "Go on, do it. I dare you. I double-dare you, motherfucker. Dive in. Who knows what will happen?". I received a comment on another post that described my social awkwardness, where the commenter basically said that I should just do things I'm comfortable with, accepting who I am and being social in my own way, rather than just doing what everyone else does. Thing is, I don't want to do these things because I see other's doing them; I want to do them because what they're doing looks enjoyable. Yes, I am somewhat motivated to do these things because I see other's doing it, but the motivation comes from my own analysis of the pictures and stories I see, me coming to my own conclusion that, yes, I would like to see how these things are. My desire to get out and about has certainly taken its fucking time, but it's here now, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

What I have to avoid, though, is bringing logic into this equation. Like, anywhere :P  A big part of me wanting to get into these environments is my mindset—if it's positive, I'm all for it; but if it's negative, I can talk myself out of anything, using pseudo-logic to justify my stances. So long as I'm comfortable, I should be fine—my Year 10 Formal was proof of this, and I'm sure I can recreate that feeling so long as I'm engrossed in the music and the dancing and the social... ness. Pushing myself to talk to new people will always be a little hard, but if I'm comfortable, I should have the confidence to do so. If I'm uncomfortable, I'll make up any old excuse to back out: "I'll have nothing to say", or "I'll make an ass of myself", or "They'll think I'm ugly", or "They're above me; they wouldn't want to associate themselves with me", or whatever else.

Obviously, common sense should always be around to guide me away from really stupid decisions—"Yeah, let's not drink that given you don't know who the fuck is giving it to you", and "I know she looks nice, but maybe we should turn down the offer for a blowjob given the pustules around her mouth." I have to be on my toes, most certainly; but I also have to be able to lose myself in the moment when I'm fairly sure it's safe, so I don't overthink things, just going with the flow instead. I guess I know those skills aren't really there for me yet and that I need to develop them, become better at recognising danger and identifying safety. I'll probably continue to avoid alcohol completely (eating habits make drinking a lot more dangerous), but I think that's fine, and I don't really wanna drink it anyway. I'd rather change the world around me for the better than just change my own perception of it, even in small instances like these ones.

My friend's entry also got me thinking because I've dreamed about doing the exact same thing as she did: eyeing someone on the dancefloor, starting to dance with them, coming closer and closer together, then making the move to kiss them, making out with them. That's been a dream of mine for at least a year, if not more; this shows without a doubt that it can happen. I'm not saying it'll happen the first time I go to a club or a party or whatever, but the possibility of it happening at some point does indeed exist.

My response to what I read was mixed in that half of me was like "Day-um! That's insane!" and half of me was like "...why can't I be like you? :( ". The part that fucked with me head the most was where she said it was "okay"—I'm like "seriously? Fuckin' okay?" I'd think that was the best thing to happen to me in years! Granted, kissing isn't automatically 'good'—their technique could suck, they could have some disease and give it to you—but I'd be happy just knowing there was a girl in that building willing to kiss me. I'd feel like I was on top of the fucking world. Thing is, our standards are clearly different because she's more social than I am—this is another thing that makes me think I'm behind everyone else, lol.

The main problem here is still a lack of social connections that means I can't actually go to any of these things, so I'm 'safe' for now (in that lame-ass way that means you're stuck in your room playing Tetris all the time :P). I do actually have one friend who has never even had a boyfriend, let alone kissed or fucked, so I'm lucky enough to be able to go "well, it could be worse...", but I still wanna move things forward here (uh oh, now I sound like a Labor ad : /  ). My mum's been talking about taking me to this tennis club where they serve drinks, telling me lots of uni students go there, so that sounds like a good opportunity. I still have an inconsistent attitude in that when I think about the good that could come of it, I'm like "fuck yeah, let's go!", but when I think about how scary it is, I'm like "nnnaaahhh, I don't need to meet people... I'll just... keep playing mah Nintendo... yeah... no no, it's k, it's k, Nintendo keeps me happy, it's all good...". Again, I'm not expecting to instantly become sociable, and who knows, it could totally suck ass and I might never want to go again, but I still wanna try, or at least some of me wants to try.

Oh, and to round off, here's something for a laugh: I'm now realising that, from a certain perspective, I'm extremely lucky to have never made out with a girl or gotten into any sexual encounter with one. First off, I have phimosis (extended foreskin), so I can't have sex yet because I can't pull my foreskin behind the head of my cock. It's easily fixed from what I've read and been told, but I haven't fixed it yet. Put it this way: if I actually had ended up getting down and dirty with either of the two girls I wanted to fuck at my Year 12 Formal, they would have taken one look at my dick and been somewhat disappointed :P  I have to say, the only thing I can think of that's more embarrassing than writing about how you wanted to fuck certain girls in your year, and having one of those girls find that writing, would be to almost fuck 'em, only to discover that you couldn't because you were born with a little defect, now sitting naked and helpless with a girl you'd only just gotten to know. Ouch.

On top of that, I also have ankyloglossia (tongue-tied—my tongue is attached to the bottom of my mouth). I figured that would make kissing a little harder, especially when I found out you actually had to stick your tongue in the other person's mouth (rather than just wiggle it around randomly, or whatever it was that I'd previously thought), but I only just realised it'll make cunnilingus a lot more tricky too, penetration being much harder. I guess I can finger them at the same time, and, if worst comes to worst, you can have the connection snipped by a doctor, but still... boy oh boy, am I working with some disadvantages right now :P

Assumptions: Making an Ass out of Me (Just Me)

A couple of days ago, I was chatting with a friend of mine, and we somehow started talking about how I perceive my body, more specifically how I usually view my physical self in a negative light:

...no woman is going to come up to me of their own accord because they find me sexy. I am not sexy :P I mean, first off, there's the whole "I look like a skeleton" thing, then there's the whole "I look younger than I am, and women are attracted to older guys" thing, so I have nothing to work with here. I don't know where girls put me on that [x]/10 scale, but it's nothing I'd be glad to hear, let me tell you. I've never been told I was cute, handsome, attractive, sexy, hot, someone they'd like to get with, someone who turns them on, someone they wouldn't mind waking up next to in the morning—nothing of the sort. It has never happened ... so I need to find some other way to entice girls, or at least appeal to them.

Sex: Let's Get Serious for a Moment...', published 31st October 2012

To add to that, I have always assumed that the only girl who has ever been attracted to me in any way, shape, or form is my ex. After my attitude towards my body had been discussed, my friend told me that, contrary to what I assumed, there actually had been girls in my year that liked me, simply never telling me. This blew my mind, because it's like "See? You're not some sub-human, buck-toothed, fussy-eating skeletor; some girls actually like you! Now we just need to... identify them... next time... we'll work on that >.>"

Now, to be perfectly honest, I actually suspected there was a friend of mine who had a crush on me about a year back, and it looks like this has confimed it. I always thought I was looking at her actions in a biased light to validate myself, thinking it couldn't possibly be true, but it looks like it is. My friend won't identify this person, but given my limited scope of female friends, it's not hard to narrow it down. Of the five girls I've maintained any level of contact with over the past year, two of them are taken, one of them isn't interested in me, and one of them is my ex—you do the math :P In addition to that, this girl acted kinda strange towards me in the final few months of last year, hugging me, like, 3 times at a meet-up one time, as well as talking to me unprovoked over Facebook which she didn't do before... which is exactly the same thing I did to a girl I liked not long before :P I don't think it would have worked though, and my friend agrees. I mean, if she'd asked me out, I would have been flattered, and said "Sure, why not?", but I wouldn't have expected it to go anywhere, only going to be polite and just on the off chance something might happen.

Thing is, she said girlS, so that means there was more than one. I don't know who they would be, nor how many more there are. One of the girls I'm friends with has told me she had a 'soft spot' for me before she met her current boyfriend, but I don't really know what that means, nor do I know if she told the friend I had this conversation with. My friend also said none of these girls were 'my type', not just the most recent one. This leaves me with three questions (all of which I want answered by this person, though I'm certain she'll leave me in the dark :P).

1: Who are they?

Obviously, I want to know who these girls are. I don't even need names; what did they look like? What were they interested in? What were their personalities like?

Which leads me to my second question...

2: What exactly is 'my type'?

Since when the fuck did I have a 'type'? I'm not insulted or anything, just confused. I've only had three or four true crushes, and one girlfriend—how can you dictate my type from that? The girls I've liked have had a few consistencies, but they're also very different, so what data is she using to make this assumption? I can't identify many staples a woman needs to have in order for me to be attracted to her, so I don't know where she's getting this from.

And, my third question...

3: How were they attracted to me?

What did they see in me? Was it purely physical, or did they like some part of who I was? Was this a small-time attraction, or an emotional investment? I guess it also begs the question 'When in my life was this?', seeing as I've changed here and there over the years, but regardless, what part of me drew them to me? Was there sexual attraction? Holy shit, the thought of someone actually wanting to fuck me... man... that's gonna take a while to sink in and find its place in my head :P Christ, some girl somewhere could have actually masturbated to the thought of me... >.>

I'm obviously looking too far into this, and none of this matters because none of these girls are attracted to me anymore (nor are they my type, whatever that is :P), but it's still interesting to wonder. It doesn't change the fact that I don't get out much, it doesn't change the fact I'm shit scared of talking to people I don't know, and it doesn't change the fact that I have no real way of meeting new people in the first place; but it does give me less reason to beat myself up over what I look like, and might lead to a little more confidence with teh womenz.

And would my friend please ANSWER AT LEAST SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS AND GIVE ME SOME CLOSURE DAMMIT I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET >.<

...please? :)

Personality: No Disorder (Due to Its Nonexistence)

The last few weeks have been kinda sad for me. Ever since uni ended, I've been thinking a lot about my social standing, my friends, my connections, that kind of thing. Fuck my uni marks; this is more important :P

And it actually is more important, or at least it's becoming more important. All through high school, I didn't have much of a social life. I didn't know all the gossip, I wasn't invited to many birthday parties, and I had no attention from girls, but I had enough to get by, using my computer and video game consoles to fill in the blank, having no real desire to become more socially active. When I got a girlfriend, I loved it when we went out and did things together; I probably did more with her in those six months than I'd done with my school friends in the previous four-and-a-half years. When the relationship ended, it was back to the drawing board, and I made things a lot worse for myself when I left my friend group all together due to my discomfort around my ex, more-or-less excluding myself from the group's affairs altogether by hanging out in the library.

This refuge, however, wasn't as solitary as one might imagine. Another friend of mine hung out in the library rather frequently, and we often sat together and talked about things, becoming real close friends by the end of the year. People would also come up to the library during free periods as they always had, and I would occasionally go down and visit the group if I felt like it, so I wasn't completely cut off. I still managed to talk to people, I still managed to crack jokes—I still managed to be myself. My schoolies trip was probably the last large gathering I went to.

My social life after that has been borderline non-existent. The friend I mentioned earlier as being my library companion is still a good friend of mine, and we continue to talk on MSN to this day—she is the friend I speak to most often, by a mile. I feel like I talk to her too much, though, like I'm disturbing her. I've started preventing myself from instigating conversations with her if I talked to her the day before, trying to limit myself in case I'm pissing her off. I don't know if I am, because even though I've asked her this before and she says I'm not, there have been quite a few instances of me saying 'Hi' and her simply not replying. I can't be sure if she's doing something or if she genuinely doesn't want to speak to me at those times, so I'm not risking being a burden anymore.

I've also been to one, and only one, 'party' party—not a birthday party or a LAN party, but a house party with alcohol, music, that kind of shit (even a birthday party of that description would count :P). It's also the only one I've ever been invited to. I've been invited to a club twice, but declined due to my discomfort surrounding the idea; though I'm now willing to go, no further invites have come my way (I'd also need ID to get in, which I haven't bothered to get yet :P). Recently, I have been invited to two things by my friend group, which is good, but I still do almost nothing with other people, and am not invited anywhere where I can meet new people. I want to get out more, but things aren't coming my way; and while I don't expect to be spoonfed, opportunities are so infrequent that progress is almost impossible to make.

As for communication, there is only one person who really instigates conversations with me of his own volition; if I want to talk to anyone else, I have to start the conversation myself. That's something that kinda gets me down—it's as if no one wants to talk to me, as if I'm not worth speaking to in the first place. And the reasoning behind that is rather simple: I'm don't think I'm that interesting when I do talk to people, and I don't have that much to say to people. I often feel kinda pressured in conversations with people (more recently, even with people I once felt very comfortable talking to), simply because I can't relate to what they're saying or I can't think of an appropriate response. It's not like things are running through my head and I'm going 'Nah, don't say that, that's dumb'; I mean I can't think of a single thing to say back. When people talk about social issues, politics, religion, stuff like that, I'm usually the opposite, able to get into the discussion rather easily; but when it's personal things, pop culture, social lives, I'm fucking blank. Sometimes, I simply don't give a shit; and other times, I want to respond but simply can't, trying to find a personal point of reference but never succeeding.

Like, a couple of days ago, I was hanging around with some friends in a park. One of them had her phone out, playing music from some TV show or movie or something, and the others were singing along to it. Meanwhile, I'm standing there like a jackass, unable to do anything. I can't get in on it and I don't want to, so I'm bored shitless. But I'm not gonna go "Hey, I'm fuckin' bored, let's do something else", cos they're having fun, and I'm not gonna intrude on their fun for my own sake. I just have to stand there as the minority and bear with it. I find it ridiculous that these are supposed to be my friends, yet I seem to have nothing in common with them at times. I know I do have things in common with them, but more often than not, they talk about things that don't involve me at all. It's was as if I had no personality with which to decide how to act or construct a response to their words and actions.

About a month earlier, I was with the exact same group of people. The first half was kinda ho-hum, talking about personal stuff, me kinda responding but still rather silent. As soon as they started talking about gay marriage and religion, I was vocal as all fuck, cos this is stuff I know about—this is the crap I'd be reading up on at home if I wasn't here with these people.

To my way of thinking, it's a multi-part infinite loop:

1. I don't get out much, so I don't experience interesting things.
2. Therefore, I don't have much to talk about.
3. Therefore, I don't introduce myself to people, thinking I'm not good enough.
4. Therefore, I don't get invited places, meaning I don't get out much.

Round and fuckin' round it goes :P

Now, to my way of thinking, performing stand-up is a good way out of this. People (namely the audience) typically think it's interesting (I don't, but I immerse myself in it :P), and when I feel sad or depressed, comedy never fails to lift me back up, so it's an evidently reliable way to get me into a positive mindset where I am more inclined to speak to people I wouldn't otherwise speak to. It's just... organising the performance that's hard :P

What sucks most about this is that I see pictures of people on Facebook enjoying rich social lives, having the guts to go to new places, using their talents to make connections and enjoy themselves, meeting new people all the fucking time, and wondering how in the hell any of that comes to them. The answer's obvious: they did shit in the past that got them the connections and built them the courage, and I didn't. But how does one acquire that stuff now? Is it even possible? I look at how other people are so much more socially active than I am and come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me, such that A: people choose not to associate with me, and B: I choose not to associate with others. I feel socially and emotionally immature, even sub-human sometimes, wondering how I could possibly be so unevolved around such strong people. Others speak of things like fear and lack of motivation, but they have no clue what that actually means, not relative to the extent I do; in the same sense, I don't know how the social world works to the extent that they do.

I guess I want to be included, but don't feel up to it. I want to have more friends and go places with them a lot more often, but I don't see a way to get there, not just yet anyway. I want to have another relationship and be intimate with a girl, physically, emotionally, sexually, all of it; but if I see nothing in myself, they won't either, and if I don't speak to them, they won't speak to me. I wonder if I'm even capable of that strong a connection with someone anymore. I picture myself at parties, talking to girls, hitting it off with them, sometimes culminating in fornication, other times just ending with us talking the night away and waking up next to each other wondering where all the time went. I'm so cut off that I can't even find a girl to be attracted to, let alone to be pursued.

It just seems like I'm so many steps behind everyone else that I'll never catch up, forever in their shadow and never able to experience life on the same level that they do. Part of it's the whole negative outlook I can have, and I'm well aware that my perspective can shift radically when I'm in a positive mindset; but this has been on my mind perpetually, no matter how happy or sad I am at the time, so I evidently want this fixed. I want to revel in my dreams knowing they're at least possible, knowing they can be goals and not just wayward desires.

Questions: The Illusion of Productivity

I've seen these things a lot, and I've always thought them to be a bit tacky, often presenting the responder with a lot of false dichotomies, empty provocations, and absurd scenarios. But fuck it, let's answer some meaningless questions :D

I also took the liberty of fixing any grammatical errors I found in the questions, some questions being inherently incorrect, some being somewhat inappropriate given my current situation. Sieg heil!

1. Who was the last person you texted?

My mum.

2. When is your birthday?

20th August 1993

3. Who do you want to be with right now?

Someone who wants to be with me.

4. What sports do you play?

Closest thing I get to sport is playing pool with friends, and even then, it's pretty rare.

5. Who is the first person in your contacts?

Lucy.

6. What is your favourite song as of the moment?

Terrorist (Dom & Roland Remix) by Renegade. Awesome DnB tune ^_^

7. If you were stranded on an island, who do would you wish to be with?

Someone who could build us a plane to get us the fuck off the island.

8. What How do you feel right now?

I feel a little doubtful in myself, and I also feel uneasy about my future.

9. What Which chocolate is your favourite?

Dark chocolate. Like, that 85% cocoa chocolate. Can't beat that stuff :D

10. How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have have you had?

One.

11. Why did you create a Tumblr account?

...now you know where I found the questions... >.>

12. Who is your favourite blogger?

Not that I read many blogs or watch many vloggers, but I'd say MrRepzion is my favourite at the moment. One of those guys where you don't agree with everything they say, but still admire the fact that they're intelligent.

13. Where do you want to be right now?

In front of an audience.

14. What do you want to be in the future?

Stand-up comic; perhaps a writer in other areas as well.

15. When was the last time you cried? Why?

Can't remember exactly when it was, but I'm certain it would have been the result of me belittling myself in my head, thinking my future will be devoid of all positiveness, that I'll never find love, never meet anyone new, never find success, that nonsense.

16. Are you happy?

I'm about as far from happy as I am from sad.

17. Who do you miss?

My ex—just that part of her that liked me.

18. If you were given a the chance, would you like to have a different life?

Not sure. I mean, I'd definitely like to change my eating habits and a few other things at the tip of a hat, but then I'd be a totally different person, wouldn't I? I don't think I'd like to give up my experiences; even though I'm unhappy with a lot of things in my life, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable leaving this reality and entering another just to escape it all.

19. What was the best thing you were you've been given?

A relationship that made me feel truly accepted and loved.

20. Who was the last person who called you?

Garvinh, asking me where I was when we had a group meet up. People almost never call me, silly question list :P

21. What is your favourite dish?

Satellite.

22. Who is your bestfriend best friend?

Don't really have one. Kinda wish I did have at least one friend who I could call my best friend while they called me their best friend, but I've never really had that.

23. What is your biggest regret?

Publishing blog entries graphically describing how I wanted to fuck certain girls in my year. Derp :P

24. Have you ever cheated Did you ever cheat on your partner?

Nope, never even thought of it.

25. Who do you spend crazy moments with?

Myself.

26. Name someone pretty.

Lucy.

27. Who was the last person you hugged?

My mum.

28. What kind of music do you listen to?

I listen to all kinds of stuff, but I mainly listen do DnB, Techno/Electronica, and video game soundtracks.

29. Are you over your past?

Nope.

30. Who is the last person in your contacts?

Austin.

31. What kind of person do you want to date?

Someone who's intelligent, heartfelt, and happy to be with me. Preferably female :P

32. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

Yes. Sleeping during the day, however...

33. From whom was the last text message you received?

Bri.

34. What do you prefer: jeans or skirt?

And now we know the gender of the question list's author :P

On me? Answer's obvious. On girls? Skirts.

35. How’s your heart?

Cynical—seems to be going through an existential crisis.

36. Did you ever have Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a "J"?

Nope. Haven't even been attracted to someone whose name starts with "J".

37. Do you like someone as of at the moment?

Nope. Wish I did, though; nothing brings the mood up more for me, makes me very smiley :)

38. What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?

Would depend on who was around at the time.

39. Do you have any phobias?

Yes :P

39a: What are your phobias?

Change, being hurt (not just physically), falling short of my own goals, the possibility of never experiencing certain things.

40. Did you try to change for a person?

I've done that before, yeah. I've changed my mannerisms to try and come across as less brash and more sophisticated and enlightened than I really am for a girl I liked.

41. What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone?

Not sure—not exactly someone who believes he gives people anything. I guess it'd be giving people my time or advice, even though it's not something I do often.

42. Would you go back to your previous relationship?

If she wanted to, definitely.

43. Are you in a good or bad mood?

Somewhere in the middle.

44. Name someone you can’t live without.

My mother.

45. Describe your dream date.

Outside, under the stars. Lots of absurd conversation and laughter. Lots of Nintendo. Lots of sex.

46. Describe your dream wedding.

See above.

47. How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?

Zero, just like all the previous ones.

48. Have you ever been kissed?

Yup :) 

49. How long is was your longest relationship?

Six months.

50. Do you regret your past?

Some aspects, yes.

51. Can Would you do something stupid for someone else?

Depends entirely on the stupid something I'm doing and the someone else I'm doing it for.

52. Have you ever cried over someone?

Yes.

53. Do you have a grudge against anyone?

Yes, but they're all long dead.

54. Are you a crybaby?

If you mean someone who cries over nothing, no. If you just mean someone who's easily upset, yes.

55. Do people praise you for your looks?

xD no.

56. Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?

Yup.

57. Have you ever done something bad but that you don’t regret?

Well, it depends on what you mean by 'bad'. If you mean 'bad' as in 'bad decision', then no—I retain my affirmation that the actions in question were foolish :P  But if you mean 'bad' as in 'against the rules', then yes, I've done a few rebellious things I felt justified in doing, namely making fun of that fence around my school.

58. Do you like getting hurt?

There's a part of me that likes the tension in my heart when I feel sad. Somewhat masochistic, but it's definitely there. Other than that, though, I don't like being hurt.

59. Does anyone hate you?

I don't think so. Would be good to know if someone did, though, if only for the chance to identify aspects of myself I could improve, on the off chance this hate was reasoned.

60. Did you slap Have you ever slapped anyone whose name starts with an “R”?

I have this thing where I don't slap people. Like, ever. It's pretty cool. You should get in on it :)

61. What hair colour do you prefer?

Red/orange. I have no clue what it is about redheads, but holy shit, they turn me on :D

62. If you can could change anything about yourself, what is it?

I'd ditch the precautionary attitude I have, at least to the extent where I wasn't so scared of everything.

63. Do you love someone as of at the moment?

Not romantically, no. 

64. Have you ever thought of killing yourself?

I've thought about the consequences of my actions if I did, but I've never thought to myself "Hey, you know what'd be a good idea? An extra orifice on each side of my head!"

65. Do you have issues with somebody in your school university?

Nope.

66. Can Could you live without internet?

I died inside just reading that. The fuck is wrong with you, list? Seriously >.<

Joking aside, I'd say I could. I'd probably frequent the library, go outside more... it actually sounds like a good thing in some ways, lol.

67. What’s the song that remind[s] you of your special someone?

Not that I have a special someone, but 'Numb' by The Airborne Toxic Event reminds me of my ex.

68. Are you good at holding back your tears?

Not really.

69. Are you a crybaby?

If you mean someone who... hey, wait a minute, this is just Question 54 all over again! I can understand repeating a question in a list this long, but not when this one only came up fifteen questions ago. Proofread, goddamnit >.<

70. Have you ever experienced being hysterical?

I've never been hysterical, not really.

71. Are you a KPOP fan?

Nope.

72. Do you study hard?

I understand hard, I can define hard, and I can examine hard, but I should study hard a lot more.

Of course not :P

73. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?

No, never really had to. 

74. Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight?

No... but now I want one, dammit >.< 

75. Have you ever ridden a boat?

Yes, twice. I've also thrown up on a boat. Twice. Fuck boats.

76. Did you have an accident last year?

Did I make mistakes I didn't see coming? Yes. Did I piss myself or shit my pants? ... >.>

77. What kind of person are you?

Arrogant, somewhat knowledgeable, cynical, sceptical, fearful.

78. Have you ever thought of killing someone?

Certain people in high school, yes (though no one I associated myself with, lol).

79. Have you ever been jealous?

All the fucking time.

80. How can you prove your love to someone?

Sacrifice.

81. What are you thinking right now?

Sex.

82. Who is the 6th person in your contacts?

Some guy I went to high school with, haven't spoken to him since, lol.

83. Do you have any memories you want to erase?

Not really—I have memories I'm not fond of, but I usually end up learning things from events like that.

84. Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?

Yeah, but I usually end up finding words to explain later down the track.

85. Did you ever badmouth someone?

Yeah, a few people.

86. Have you ever had an argument with someone?

...how the fuck do you get this far in life and not have an argument at some point :P

87. Do you have trust issues?

I don't really trust anyone. If you think that's an issue, then yes.

88. Are you broken-hearted?

My heart's not quite broken, but he acts like it cos he's a little bitch.

89. Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions "love"?

Sally.

90. Do you think all the pain is worth it?

...worth it for what, exactly :P  If you mean "Is the pain of life worth it to experience life?", then for me, yes, but I can see how others could answer differently.

91. Do you believe in the phrase "If it’s meant to be, it will be"?

Kinda. I can see the arguments for determinism, but I don't believe there's divine intent or anything behind it, so I don't believe there's some divine figure making things happen that he/she/it thinks are 'meant' to happen.

92. Who do you want to marry?

How can this question cohabit the list with questions like "Have you ever been kissed?" :P  I don't want to marry anyone at the moment. If I meet someone I love to bits and want to be with forever, maybe start a family with, then hell yeah, bring on the rings; but until then, I don't fucking care about marriage or having children or any of that shit. For now, I'll stick to my plain old dream of 'get laid'.

93. Do you believe in destiny?

As I said, I can see the arguments for determinism, but still kinda believe we have a little free will. I guess I'm just a compatibilist.

94. Have you ever thought "I already found my soulmate"?

Not really. I loved my ex more than anything in the world, but there was always that small part of me that wondered what would happen if and when it ended, so I didn't buy into the whole "I found her!" thing all the way.

95. How do you look right now?

Awful, as per usual.

96. Do you believe that first true love never dies?

Yeah, I kinda do. I think of Sally from time to time; apart from when I was infatuated with/dating my ex, the thought was always in the back of my mind, coming up every now and again, as it still does.

97. Have you found your true love?

Satire doesn't count, does it?

98. What should you be doing right now?

Anything's more productive than this shit, lol.

99. Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends.

Rachel.

100. Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough?

Always. Fucking always

Well, there's mah list. Might do another list at some point—who knows? This was a cunt to format properly, so, if there is to be another list, it shall be a while before it arrives, lol.