Social Relativism: A Stimulating Depressant

I was reading a friend's blog where she described going to this club and kissing this guy. The post was pretty long (I don't seem to be the only one who overthinks things like this :P), but upon reading it, I felt kind of uneasy—not because it was disgusting or visceral (cos it wasn't), but because it was another one of those moments where I read about someone doing something I see as mature and thinking "Man, I am so behind". That seems to be what sets me off: people doing things I think are beyond my social capabilities, things that take responsibility and a higher risk threshold. The kissing by itself doesn't take a whole lot of anything, but the whole set-up (going to a club that's probably 18+ only, being around alcohol and people who are consuming it, loud music and dancing, kissing a stranger) is something I see as pushing my limits. It's not this scary to most, but it seems daunting to me, only because I haven't done it. I know that if I went to a club like this, I'd probably be fine, but I'd still feel a little nervous given the unfamiliar surroundings. I guess even though I know I'll eventually adjust to it given prolonged exposure, picturing it freaks me out a little.

But that's part of what makes me want to do it: the part that says "Go on, do it. I dare you. I double-dare you, motherfucker. Dive in. Who knows what will happen?". I received a comment on another post that described my social awkwardness, where the commenter basically said that I should just do things I'm comfortable with, accepting who I am and being social in my own way, rather than just doing what everyone else does. Thing is, I don't want to do these things because I see other's doing them; I want to do them because what they're doing looks enjoyable. Yes, I am somewhat motivated to do these things because I see other's doing it, but the motivation comes from my own analysis of the pictures and stories I see, me coming to my own conclusion that, yes, I would like to see how these things are. My desire to get out and about has certainly taken its fucking time, but it's here now, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

What I have to avoid, though, is bringing logic into this equation. Like, anywhere :P  A big part of me wanting to get into these environments is my mindset—if it's positive, I'm all for it; but if it's negative, I can talk myself out of anything, using pseudo-logic to justify my stances. So long as I'm comfortable, I should be fine—my Year 10 Formal was proof of this, and I'm sure I can recreate that feeling so long as I'm engrossed in the music and the dancing and the social... ness. Pushing myself to talk to new people will always be a little hard, but if I'm comfortable, I should have the confidence to do so. If I'm uncomfortable, I'll make up any old excuse to back out: "I'll have nothing to say", or "I'll make an ass of myself", or "They'll think I'm ugly", or "They're above me; they wouldn't want to associate themselves with me", or whatever else.

Obviously, common sense should always be around to guide me away from really stupid decisions—"Yeah, let's not drink that given you don't know who the fuck is giving it to you", and "I know she looks nice, but maybe we should turn down the offer for a blowjob given the pustules around her mouth." I have to be on my toes, most certainly; but I also have to be able to lose myself in the moment when I'm fairly sure it's safe, so I don't overthink things, just going with the flow instead. I guess I know those skills aren't really there for me yet and that I need to develop them, become better at recognising danger and identifying safety. I'll probably continue to avoid alcohol completely (eating habits make drinking a lot more dangerous), but I think that's fine, and I don't really wanna drink it anyway. I'd rather change the world around me for the better than just change my own perception of it, even in small instances like these ones.

My friend's entry also got me thinking because I've dreamed about doing the exact same thing as she did: eyeing someone on the dancefloor, starting to dance with them, coming closer and closer together, then making the move to kiss them, making out with them. That's been a dream of mine for at least a year, if not more; this shows without a doubt that it can happen. I'm not saying it'll happen the first time I go to a club or a party or whatever, but the possibility of it happening at some point does indeed exist.

My response to what I read was mixed in that half of me was like "Day-um! That's insane!" and half of me was like "...why can't I be like you? :( ". The part that fucked with me head the most was where she said it was "okay"—I'm like "seriously? Fuckin' okay?" I'd think that was the best thing to happen to me in years! Granted, kissing isn't automatically 'good'—their technique could suck, they could have some disease and give it to you—but I'd be happy just knowing there was a girl in that building willing to kiss me. I'd feel like I was on top of the fucking world. Thing is, our standards are clearly different because she's more social than I am—this is another thing that makes me think I'm behind everyone else, lol.

The main problem here is still a lack of social connections that means I can't actually go to any of these things, so I'm 'safe' for now (in that lame-ass way that means you're stuck in your room playing Tetris all the time :P). I do actually have one friend who has never even had a boyfriend, let alone kissed or fucked, so I'm lucky enough to be able to go "well, it could be worse...", but I still wanna move things forward here (uh oh, now I sound like a Labor ad : /  ). My mum's been talking about taking me to this tennis club where they serve drinks, telling me lots of uni students go there, so that sounds like a good opportunity. I still have an inconsistent attitude in that when I think about the good that could come of it, I'm like "fuck yeah, let's go!", but when I think about how scary it is, I'm like "nnnaaahhh, I don't need to meet people... I'll just... keep playing mah Nintendo... yeah... no no, it's k, it's k, Nintendo keeps me happy, it's all good...". Again, I'm not expecting to instantly become sociable, and who knows, it could totally suck ass and I might never want to go again, but I still wanna try, or at least some of me wants to try.

Oh, and to round off, here's something for a laugh: I'm now realising that, from a certain perspective, I'm extremely lucky to have never made out with a girl or gotten into any sexual encounter with one. First off, I have phimosis (extended foreskin), so I can't have sex yet because I can't pull my foreskin behind the head of my cock. It's easily fixed from what I've read and been told, but I haven't fixed it yet. Put it this way: if I actually had ended up getting down and dirty with either of the two girls I wanted to fuck at my Year 12 Formal, they would have taken one look at my dick and been somewhat disappointed :P  I have to say, the only thing I can think of that's more embarrassing than writing about how you wanted to fuck certain girls in your year, and having one of those girls find that writing, would be to almost fuck 'em, only to discover that you couldn't because you were born with a little defect, now sitting naked and helpless with a girl you'd only just gotten to know. Ouch.

On top of that, I also have ankyloglossia (tongue-tied—my tongue is attached to the bottom of my mouth). I figured that would make kissing a little harder, especially when I found out you actually had to stick your tongue in the other person's mouth (rather than just wiggle it around randomly, or whatever it was that I'd previously thought), but I only just realised it'll make cunnilingus a lot more tricky too, penetration being much harder. I guess I can finger them at the same time, and, if worst comes to worst, you can have the connection snipped by a doctor, but still... boy oh boy, am I working with some disadvantages right now :P