Penitence: Hilarious in Heindsight

I was going through my documents and found a Word document called 'Response'. I opened it to find an incomplete apology to a friend of mine, wanting to say sorry to her for publishing blog entries where I mentioned and described dreams in which I had sex with her. She had commented on these entries herself after finding them, and she had a lot to say, three comment blocks worth in fact. I'd post her comments, but it's nearly three pages long, and this entry's gonna be a long one as it stands :P.  To sum it up, she basically clarified some things I wasn't up on (personal things), elaborated her opinion on relationships (sexual and more committed), and criticised the publishing of the sexual stuff as an invasion of her privacy. Upon reading these, I immediately wanted to apologise for what I'd written, seeing as it didn't take long for me to agree with what she'd said. Two others also left comments—a friend of this girl who was also on the trip left one comment, and another guy who wasn't even there left five comment blocks worth of his opinions—but I'll get to those later.

For the record, though the girl is referred to as Lisa (as she was in the blog entries spoken about below), her real name is Lucy. Seeing as she's commented on this blog before, it wouldn't take you more than five seconds to find her real name if I were to conceal it anyway, so there's no point :P  

What's written below doesn't necessarily reflect what she believes anymore, nor what I do. The whole point of this is to look back at what I said in response to her comments and compare my thoughts then to what I think now, like a memoir but of something fairly recent.

"Hey, Lisa. Thanks for reading all of this and giving your 2 cents -- it means a lot to me, given your position in the writing.

"When I liked you and we were talking on FB, I interpreted the flow of the conversation as being due to my feelings for you being requited, but that was an over-reaction -- I assumed too much from too little, seeing things how I wanted to see them rather than for what they were. That's the main problem with me: I jumped to conclusions based on almost nothing the whole way through this thing."

I still do that a bit, lol, but I'm thankfully starting to just take things as they come rather than making misassumptions.

"When we were talking, the conversation flowed better than it has with almost anyone else I've spoken to online who I wasn't already friends with, so by my (inherently flawed :P) logic, I thought you liked me back."

This is coming from someone who had socially isolated himself months before. As if I was in any position to identify a 'good' conversation—I'd had hardly any conversation of this magnitude with more than one or two other people in the past ten-to-twelve weeks :P

"When I found out you didn't like be back in that way, I felt uncomfortable talking to you, and you didn't say "hi' or anything of your own accord, so, by that same logic, I assumed that you didn't want anything further to do with me either. I wanted to own up to my feelings and simply get things off my chest shortly after that, to clear the air so to speak, but I never garnered the balls to do it. I also thought that seeing as you already knew I liked you anyway (I thought you actually knew rather than just having an idea) that there was no point bringing it up, and that you didn't want to talk about it, so I left it, hoping it'd just be a non-issue by the time Schoolies came around -- wrong, once again :P"

Something else I need to stop doing: leaving shit and just expecting it to fix itself :P

"I know it's best to make friends with a girl if you like them first, and see if it progresses from that point -- that was the initial plan when I liked you! 'Get to know her, see if you can be friends, and if it goes further than that, then good; otherwise, you've made a new friend, which is also good.' "

As much as it sounds like bullshit, this was true. I can never read that part without being cynical and assuming people will think I'm lying, even though I know for a fact I meant what I said there. I'd had my eye on her for a while in my last term of school, but never really took the attraction seriously because it was all physical, and I wasn't prepared to talk to her or anything. I didn't even think about her outside of school, though I do remember cracking jokes with a friend of mine about how much I liked her ass (we both knew damn well that I was a perv, lol).

When I did think of her as someone I could maybe talk to or make a move on at the Formal/after-party, however, the thought of me making a new friend did occur:

"[Even though nothing happened between Lucy and I at the Formal/after-party], who knows... that could still go somewhere! Even if it's just friendship, there's always room for one more."

Expectations: Ditch the Motherfuckers, published 24th September 2011

I got Facebook about a week later, and I signed up solely to talk to her, seeing as she was never on MSN. Its functionality has extended far beyond that since then, but that was the original intention behind my joining Facebook: to talk to Lucy. Took me ages to do actually do it, but I eventually did, and we then started having the conversations I mentioned earlier. I went into this with the same mentality: "even if you don't strike a flame, you'll still get a friend. You cannot lose." Men always have to convince themselves they can't lose, even when it's not a fucking competition :P

Might I also add, knowing Lucy could be reading this, that I recall you mentioning something in your blog about not liking the way your upper legs look. I can't be sure how serious you were when you wrote that, and I also know this is gonna sound creepy and objectifying as all fuck, but seriously, your legs, especially your upper legs, were the parts of you I looked at the most. It was awesome to look at them, and to stare at them for any amount of time was time well spent. I certainly don't do it anymore, but I used to back when I liked you, any time I could get a peek. If girls can be attracted to my skinny frame, guys can be attracted to your upper legs, mmkay? :P

...yes, moving swiftly along... >.>

"I guess I saw the friendship as gone when I found out you didn't like me back (and that you'd 'known' since the Formal); and when you didn't try to start any conversation after that, I figured that you were only talking to me because I was starting the conversations, and that you were only replying to be polite and not ignore me. I'm not worried about the "friendzone" -- if anything, I see it as a safety net that allows for a relationship with a girl I have/had feelings for even though it's a friendly one rather than a romantic one."

This is still kinda true. I mean, if I liked a girl, really liked her, loved her even, and I asked her out only to be rejected, I'd still be </3 and  :(  and  >:O  and everything, but when reason came through, it would come through with the knowledge that I might have a new friend. Maybe we couldn't be friends—maybe she'd have been weirded right the fuck out by it and wouldn't wanna talk to me, or perhaps I'd find it too awkward to be around her—but maybe we could be. The possibility is always there.

"The objectification was never something I wanted or enjoyed."

This times a million. It was fucking irritating, seriously. Half the problem was the fact that I couldn't jerk off, cos if I could have just masturbated to get rid of the tension (as opposed to venting through writing, which only seemed to fuel the fire), this probably would have been a non-issue. But like fuck would I have rubbed one out while nine of my friends were in the house at the same time—I wouldn't have even felt comfortable doing that, not for a second :P  I mean, it's not like I was walking around with a hard-on, nor was this a distraction all day, every day; but when it got to me, it got to me :P 

And even if I wanted to jerk off, perhaps while they were sleeping, how would I do it? I'd have to be alone—bathroom's the only even remotely appropriate place (3 other guys in my room, one of whom is gay... yyyyeeaaahhh no :P). I'd have to be silent, too—I can keep my mouth shut and my breathing under control, but the fapping itself? I'd have to be a horny ninja in there, what with all those tiles making my every stroke echo like that. Neither speed nor position would make a damned difference; it'd make at least some noise. And the orgasm? I'd need duct tape over my mouth and a peg on my nose to prevent even the slightest outburst; and now it's turning into auto-erotic asphyxiation which could fuckin' kill me :P When your heart rate's up that high and you're doing such a physical activity, you're already gonna be breathing pretty fast; but to then have the most powerful release a person can bring themselves to... without panting... without moaning... without even sighing... how? Not possible, dude, not possible. And there's no other room I'd be doing it in, nor would I do it outside (not an exhibitionist, lol).

To be honest, given the onslaught of naughty thoughts I had that week, I'm proud I managed to keep my hands off it for that period of time. That's self control right there.

"It was something I was new to; and hopefully, it was something that won't happen again."

xD good luck with that. I wasn't new to the thoughts; I was new to the restraint. Hopefully that won't have to happen again :P

"When I found out that you didn't like me back, I slowly lost all the substantial attraction to who you were, thinking I was over you in every aspect; but when I saw you day in, day out at the house, seeing you dressed the way you were, the physical side of it was revived while the substantial side lay dead beside it."

It wasn't the way she was dressed so much as the fact that, coupled with my inability to relieve all this tension, she was just there all the time (though she did wear short shorts and loose tops sometimes, which, I admit, was kinda nice to look at). I can't help who I'm attracted to—I can control my actions, but not my thoughts. If I think a girl's hot, I'm stuck with that for however long my dick wants to torture me. All I can do is control my actions; and the action of publishing these entries was the mistake here, not the thoughts.

And I did like her for who she was on the inside too, but we'll get to that later.

"I've never been purely physically attracted to someone before that week."

Ummm, bullshit? :P  I haven't been attracted to someone right after they've rejected me before, though—it usually ends on both an emotional and physical level after I'm turned down, up front or through proxy.

"Sally and Bella I liked for who they were, and their bodies were a non-issue. They were nice to look at, but it was nice because it reminded me of who they were, not just for what I was seeing on the surface."

This was true eventually, yes. I loved Sally's body on its own—more in a pretty way than a sexy way, but still an all-physical attraction. Once I learned more about her personality, though, that developed into feelings that a girl's body alone simply can't do for me. Slowly but surely, I fell in love with her, the statement above now true. As for my ex, I actually became attracted to her personality first, then found her body beautiful (before that I just thought it was average, but it grew on me big time as we got to know one another). I also still think they're both pretty girls, but that wasn't the case right after Sally turned me down or when my ex broke up with me; only this time did the physical attraction survive rejection.

"Even when I liked you, even though I knew I liked the way you look, I also knew that was only part of it; I knew we had things in common because we hung around the same people, and that was more-so what drew me to you earlier on. When the latter died and the former lived on, I didn't know what to do, because the feelings wouldn't go away, even though I knew in the back of my mind that nothing was going to happen."

Trufax. It was just frustrating as all hell because it wouldn't stop, and no action of mine could make it stop.

"I agree that sex will always be better with someone you have true feelings for. This is why these lustful thoughts frustrated the fuck out of me: because even if what I was thinking was to happen, it'd be unfulfilling anyway because there was nothing special between us."

I don't really think this way anymore. I've said plenty of times that I'd rather lose my virginity when in a relationship. But when I think about it, if Lucy and I had been physically into one another and had fucked at any stage, I would have felt very fulfilled :P  Losing my virginity consensually will be fulfilling almost regardless of who it's with cos it's something I really wanna do; it's a dream and a goal of mine to do so, and it has been for a long time now.

"The Formal/After-party gave me my first exposure to even the remote possibility of sex, and after it was all said and done, I formed that same opinion; the problem was, the lust was so strong that it took over, and that opinion became an afterthought."

—and it mostly remains an afterthought :P

"By the end, I wanted it so bad that I was willing to discard the fulfilling aspect just to get some -- it was animalistic thought, and it corrupted what little integrity I had to begin with. It's scared me to the point where, sometimes (albeit rarely), I'm at the complete other end of the spectrum, fearing any strong sexual thought due to the possibility of losing control over it again."

Starting to beat myself up here. As I said, I can't control who gets my dick hard, so I shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting sex without being in a relationship. Most people my age are horny bastards and wanna fuck other people—it's totally normal and nothing to feel bad about. And as for 'animalistic', I am an animal, as is Lucy, as is every human being! We're not separate from the animal kingdom; we're part of it! Animals wanna fuck, and we're animals; therefore, we're gonna wanna fuck. Plain and simple.

It didn't corrupt my integrity, either; I just made a little mistake. This is part of what kept me feeling like shit for as long as I did: this whole "I'm a corrupt human being who has no morals and isn't fit for society" mentality. It's practically mental self-harm. Publishing the entries was a dumb thing to do, yes, but I realised this very quickly—that right there means I understood and learned from my errors, as any rational being can. But my emotions took over here, and I hated myself for what I did, this mentality being the result.

"I was always one to think I didn't view women as objects of desire, but as people, with emotions and feelings; that week was to prove me wrong, even if it was only for that week :P"

This I can also verify, although not quite as much as I'd like to. I performed an hour-long stand-up special for a small audience on the Monday before the Formal, the latter half of which was dedicated, incidentally enough, to my love for Sally back in Years 9 and 10. I talked about how boys like girls boobs and asses, but eventually get over it. Though I can't show the video footage, here's an extract from the script:

"This is what will draw the pubescent mind: flesh, humps, figure. This is all a boy is interested in at first… but then you start to get past that. You move away from this girl's curvature, and move up, down, left and right. You start to look at her face, and her hair, and her arms and her legs. Those initial pleasures will still entice you elsewhere. You'll always be checking out the scenery, seeing what's in store -- looking at the other girls -- but this one girl will entice you just that little bit more.

You'll start to look at her facial qualities: her mouth, her nose, her eyes. The eyes are pure magic. They sparkle; they have a dance of their own. One glance from her will fill you with joy for a week! You'll run around telling your friends: "she looked at me! In science, I saw her! She looked at me!" She was just looking at the periodic table behind you---- "bullshit! It was me! I'm the only element she needs!" Then you'll hear her speak… her voice drives you insane. Every time she speaks, you don't just hear words; you hear lyrics tuned to a melody. Anything that comes out her mouth is worth listening to just for the music! You'll want her to answer all the questions; you'll want her to read all her work out; you'll want her to get constipation or a weak bladder just so she'll ask to go to the toilet.

And every time she does open her mouth, you will stop everything you are doing and listen like you've never listened before! Men may not be good listeners when a woman is talking to them; but when a woman is talking around them, flip goes the notepad and click goes the pen! You need information; you need intel! And you'll remember everything about her! Everything! You'll know what classes she has, when she has each class, where she sits down, who she sits with, her height, her weight, the colour of her panties on a Tuesday; everything."

Special Provocations, performed 19th September 2011

Whether you find it funny or not, that's what I thought back then, and it's still what I think now. There is also a direct reference to how misogynistic some of the material may sound right before that:

"...the girls here probably aren't going to find what I'm about to say funny at all, and the guys are probably going to be laughing for all the wrong reasons, but hey: if sexist dogma and dick jokes pass for 'humour', then let me humour you."

I'm clearly aware of the fact that women are people; the objectification was only temporary. Again, yes, I invaded Lucy's privacy by publishing these entries, but that wasn't because I thought of her as an object I could talk about at will; it was due to my social ignorance and failure to recognise the full consequences of my actions.

"Before that week, especially when I liked you, the thoughts were opposite: you were anything but an object. Physically attractive, yes, but you were smart and insightful. We talked about politics and social issues; we talked about things that dumb blonde sluts don't talk about, or think about :P  We both wrote things, we both played games, we both took interest in the world; we shared common ground, and that's why I liked you so much. Your body became less and less important with each conversation -- how could I be drawn by it if I couldn't even see it?"

Damn fuckin' right. I wasn't talking to Lucy just to get into her pants; I really, really liked her. As far as I'm concerned, the feelings were so strong that I loved her. Perhaps this love wasn't as strong as it was for Sally nor Bella, but, from my first lengthy Facebook conversation with Lucy to the time I found out she wasn't interested, I woke up incredibly happy every single day. And it was all because I knew I might get to talk to her, all because I could dream about us together, all because I had feelings for her that meant something to me and that came from my heart. Granted, they're no longer there and we're just friends now, but those feelings were definitely there for a while, and they were very strong, whatever you wanna call it.

"After I found out you didn't like me back, that went; but seeing you every single day got me attracted again, in the wrong way."

Not the 'wrong' way, just in a more superficial, less heartfelt way. Again, I'm beating myself up according to some super-conservative morality I've just pulled out of my ass in a panic due to my remorse.

I saw you in a different light, seeing your body and ignoring your other facets, which lead to a misconstrued picture of who you actually are. I apologise for that, because it isn't

It cuts off here. I remember writing this while I was supposed to be getting ready for a birthday party I was invited to, where both Lucy and my ex would be. I wanted to finish this before she got there on the off-chance she'd see it beforehand, but I couldn't finish it fast enough. My mum was even yelling at me to get ready (she had somewhere to go too), but I didn't give a fuck—this was more important. We both ended up arriving late at our respective destinations due to my attempts to complete this in time. I can't remember what I was gonna write after this, but it would have went along the same apologetic lines.

This was an emotional response, and I can now look back at it with a clear head, commenting on it with reason. I've obviously come a long way since I wrote all this stuff, and can look back on it now and laugh a little—I even wanna make fun of it in my amended version of the stand-up special I mentioned earlier. 

I felt a little uneasy going through this, but I'm alright now that I've finished reading it and going through it. The uneasy feeling is partly because I'm actually going to Lucy's birthday tomorrow today (late night blogging FTW), and because people from school are gonna be there (people I haven't seen since school ended, people who I'm not even close friends with), I fear they're gonna get on my case for all the stuff I wrote. They probably don't even fucking remember any of it, so I don't know what I'm worried about. See? Always an excuse ready and waiting for me to feel bad about social events :P

Speaking of feeling bad, the reason I felt awful wasn't really due to Lucy's comments—they were reasoned, and while they were honest, they were not abrasive nor cruel. Another guy who went on the Schoolies trip also commented, and while he, too, criticised what I did, he also did so in a reasoned manner that didn't hurt my feelings.

There was another guy, however, who left five comment blocks worth of his opinion. This guy didn't go on the trip, he isn't close friends with me, and he didn't even read the entirety of the articles, but still felt the need to 'school' me on how I should approach girls, talk about other people and such. He was a self-righteous cunt in each and every comment, and reading them made me feel like a fucking dog. He went beyond mere criticism; he asserted his supposed social superiority and belittled me to the point where I felt worthless for months. For what I did, I'd say I deserved to feel bad for one-to-two weeks tops—yes, I made a mistake, but I realised my wrongdoings pretty quickly. What needed to be said had already been fucking said by Lucy and the other guy; this dude just reiterated what they'd posted in a condescending manner. He even felt the need to defend himself in relation to the after-party (seeing as he was the guy talking to Sally, which made me rethink that whole thing)—I never even attacked the fucking guy! Male defence mechanism in action right there :P

This guy commented after both Lucy and the other guy, and his arrogant, pseudo-intellecual tone, combined with the sheer volume of his comments (when he'd only read some of what I wrote, no less), shattered me for far longer than I deserved. I thought, seeing as he had so much to say on so little of what I wrote, that what he didn't read must have been just as bad (which it wasn't), and that I should feel abhorrent for my crime against humanity. He made misassumptions left, right, and centre, too. I don't hold anything against him now, but seriously, it was so fucking uncalled for now that I look back. I'd learned my lesson, and these comments went far beyond reasoned, critical commentary, nor were they funny. I'm partly to blame for not being up to the task of recognising this arrogance in the first place, but I still feel he is mostly to blame for the length of my depression.

S'all good now though. I don't regret going on the trip, nor writing what I did; and while the publishing was a dumbass idea, at least I learned something from it, and got an interesting story to tell. That's how I've gotta look at life: if I fuck up, it's five more minutes of material I can use to entertain the masses.

Off to sleep nao :)