So I've been invited out for New Years, but not by the person I expected. My mum invited me down to the local bowling club to celebrate there instead of being at home alone.
At first, I'm like "well fuck that. A room full of old people? Old music I don't even recognise? That sounds awful." But that's not what it'll be. My mum tells me there are plenty of young people there, and that though there will be old music from one of the bands, there's another band playing that's closer to my generation. So it's nowhere near as awful as I'm making it out to be.
I still fear it'll be a little awkward. I mean, I'm there with my mum for fuck's sake :P On one hand, that's like... weird. On the other, though, does it really matter? Will anyone care? No one who matters would care. And I don't have to hang around her if I find someone else to talk to. That's the other scary part, though: I don't really have any wing-people, so to speak. If I wanna talk to someone, whoever it is, I'm on my own. I can't have my mum introduce me: that would be more awkward than introducing myself :P My mum did say it'd be acceptable for people to dance by themselves and that you wouldn't get looked at funny if you were without a partner, so at least I'll be able to shake my groove thang without too much worry :)
My mum even said I could get laid, speaking of the many 'loosy-goosy' women who would be present at the club :P But if I went, I wouldn't expecting anything in the sex department. I mean, my mum is technically right—I could get laid—but the odds are slim-to-nil. I don't wanna go just for the sake of that: I wanna go out to have fun. If having fun means getting laid, then that's cool, but it must be incidental. I'm not gonna go out there and approach women for the sole purpose of losing my V-card; that would be silly.
I think it's gonna come down to how I feel on the day. If I feel like going out, I'll go; if not, I'll stay home. If I go out when I don't want to, I'll hate it; and if I don't go out when I don't want to, I'll regret my decision. I can always walk home if I go and it turns out shit, so there's no real risk involved in actually going.
Monday, 30 December 2013
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Contemplation: Hmmm...
I really wanna know what it's like for a girl to want me sexually. I'm just so fuckin' curious as to what that feels like. I wanna have sex for a lot of reasons, but the main one isn't wanting to know what a girl looks like naked in front of me, or what boobs feel like, or what pussy tastes like, or what it feels like to have my penis inside of a girl. I do wanna experience all that, certainly—but what I really wanna know what it feels like for a girl to look at you with those eyes that say "I want you". I wanna know what it feels like to see a girl checking me out like I check girls out. I wanna know how it feels for a girl to escalate physical contact by surprise. I wanna know how it feels for a girl to lay it on the table and bluntly state that she wants me.
I wonder if a girl has ever masturbated to the thought of me. I don't even know if a girl has wanted me sexually, let alone thought about me sexually. There are only two girls I know of who have ever liked me: my ex was raised in a Christian home so she may have thought such fantasies could be sinful; and the other is asexual, so she doesn't feel sexual attraction towards other people. Maybe my ex did think about me sexually—I wouldn't be surprised if she was curious—but if she did, I dunno if she touched herself while thinking about it. She never came onto me or tried anything funny, and the one time I tried to make out with her, she didn't really get into it, so if she was having such fantasies in her head at home, she evidently didn't want to go there in real life. I would have loved to be her first sex partner, but I'm fairly sure, even if we'd gone out for longer than we did, we wouldn't have gone all the way. And if there are other girls who have liked me or gotten off to the thought of me, I dunno who they are.
I don't think there's anything more arousing than a girl wanting me. It's the only commonality in my fantasies: the girl wants it. She's horny. She's wet. Sometimes she's so horny, she can hardly control herself, wanting it really badly; other times, she just flashes me a look when we're alone together, and we slowly disrobe and make love. I can't picture enjoying sex with a girl who doesn't want it, and I'd hate to go through with sex when the girl isn't in the mood. But when I picture a girl wanting it, I love how it feels. It doesn't just make my dick hard; it makes my whole body feel great. It's a similar feeling when I imagine cuddling a girl: they just want me there, holding them, cos it makes them happy.
It's part of the reason I wanna go out to more 'adultish' locations: cos this is where these things happen. It sure as hell won't happen if I stay in my room, and it can't happen if I'm only around friends—I have to be around strangers to find someone either attractive or attracted. And I don't know if I'm really attractive enough to get this kind of attention. I don't think I'm ugly, but it's more about what others think. It's hard to imagine a girl putting her hand on my chest and liking it when she'd basically be rubbing my ribcage :P
It kinda scares me when I think about how girls might react to me naked. I mean, I'm gonna fuckin love it when they take their clothes off: it's a naked girl! In front of me! What is there not to like? Tummy? Check. Legs? Check. Boobs? Check. Ass? Check. Pussy? Checkity check check check. That's my list done! But what does she want on my body? I know confidence is a big deal and that if I maintain that (because I'd have to have it to approach her in the first place and get this far :P), that might suffice. But my body's still a part of it. I'd even do basic exercise if it'd help, but it's pointless cos of the way I eat (which is its own can of worms when it comes to this stuff. I dunno. I'll have to wait and see.
And I wonder how they feel during arousal and sex. How would a girl express her feelings if she were to describe wanting/fucking me? Is it the same as guys do? Or is it different? I guess it'd depend on the person, but I think their gender and orientation would have a lot to do with it. I know there's plenty of smut on the internet where chicks write about their sexuality, but I mean more how they'd feel with me specifically, and I'm fairly sure such material not yet been written or published :P I like imagining verbal appreciation, like when the girl say "I like it when you touch me there" or "that feels really good", but why do they like that? I can't exactly stop during the middle of the act, grab a notepad, and say "go on, go on, this is interesting" :P
Lots of questions.
I wonder if a girl has ever masturbated to the thought of me. I don't even know if a girl has wanted me sexually, let alone thought about me sexually. There are only two girls I know of who have ever liked me: my ex was raised in a Christian home so she may have thought such fantasies could be sinful; and the other is asexual, so she doesn't feel sexual attraction towards other people. Maybe my ex did think about me sexually—I wouldn't be surprised if she was curious—but if she did, I dunno if she touched herself while thinking about it. She never came onto me or tried anything funny, and the one time I tried to make out with her, she didn't really get into it, so if she was having such fantasies in her head at home, she evidently didn't want to go there in real life. I would have loved to be her first sex partner, but I'm fairly sure, even if we'd gone out for longer than we did, we wouldn't have gone all the way. And if there are other girls who have liked me or gotten off to the thought of me, I dunno who they are.
I don't think there's anything more arousing than a girl wanting me. It's the only commonality in my fantasies: the girl wants it. She's horny. She's wet. Sometimes she's so horny, she can hardly control herself, wanting it really badly; other times, she just flashes me a look when we're alone together, and we slowly disrobe and make love. I can't picture enjoying sex with a girl who doesn't want it, and I'd hate to go through with sex when the girl isn't in the mood. But when I picture a girl wanting it, I love how it feels. It doesn't just make my dick hard; it makes my whole body feel great. It's a similar feeling when I imagine cuddling a girl: they just want me there, holding them, cos it makes them happy.
It's part of the reason I wanna go out to more 'adultish' locations: cos this is where these things happen. It sure as hell won't happen if I stay in my room, and it can't happen if I'm only around friends—I have to be around strangers to find someone either attractive or attracted. And I don't know if I'm really attractive enough to get this kind of attention. I don't think I'm ugly, but it's more about what others think. It's hard to imagine a girl putting her hand on my chest and liking it when she'd basically be rubbing my ribcage :P
It kinda scares me when I think about how girls might react to me naked. I mean, I'm gonna fuckin love it when they take their clothes off: it's a naked girl! In front of me! What is there not to like? Tummy? Check. Legs? Check. Boobs? Check. Ass? Check. Pussy? Checkity check check check. That's my list done! But what does she want on my body? I know confidence is a big deal and that if I maintain that (because I'd have to have it to approach her in the first place and get this far :P), that might suffice. But my body's still a part of it. I'd even do basic exercise if it'd help, but it's pointless cos of the way I eat (which is its own can of worms when it comes to this stuff. I dunno. I'll have to wait and see.
And I wonder how they feel during arousal and sex. How would a girl express her feelings if she were to describe wanting/fucking me? Is it the same as guys do? Or is it different? I guess it'd depend on the person, but I think their gender and orientation would have a lot to do with it. I know there's plenty of smut on the internet where chicks write about their sexuality, but I mean more how they'd feel with me specifically, and I'm fairly sure such material not yet been written or published :P I like imagining verbal appreciation, like when the girl say "I like it when you touch me there" or "that feels really good", but why do they like that? I can't exactly stop during the middle of the act, grab a notepad, and say "go on, go on, this is interesting" :P
Lots of questions.
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Opportunities: Improper Interpretations
I've been interpreting opportunities to do social things in a really bizarre way lately. I seem to hate missing chances to do social things, but then when I'm offered the same social thing, or at least something similar, I'm like "meh, whatever." These two mindsets cannot coexist harmoniously.
Like, the friend of mine whose birthday I went to: they went out at a certain point, and the day before, I had a panic attack about not being able to go due to not having ID. I'm like "fuck fuck fuck this was your once chance and you blew it you asshat, why didn't you get your license earlier, do they take birth certificates combined with uni ID? No, of course they don't, why would they, everyone my age has the goddamned card already >.<". But I got over it relatively quickly and convinced myself that, no, I hadn't missed out on anything too major. Would have liked to go, but couldn't—I'll just wait till next time, right?
I'm pretty sure the friend of mine is gonna leave the country too soon for her to go out again (lemme know if I'm wrong there, Lucy). Or maybe the venues just won't be open due to the holidays, and won't re-open until she's gone. That all made me panic again for a short while. But really, it's all OK, cos I have a second avenue: my family. My second cousins, who are a little older than me, go out too, and they aren't going anywhere, so they're far more reliable. My mum even into my room the other day and was like "Now that you have your license, you could go out on New Years Eve with your cousins!", to which I responded "...eh. I'd rather just stay home."
What? What? I get fucking pissed off when I can't go, but when I can go, I don't want to go? Not only that, but I didn't even have to ask for that invitation! The hell is this? Part of me thinks it's this idea that going with my friend would be more comfortable than going with my family. But that's backwards. I'd be just as comfortable going with both, and technically, my family would be better support because a) there are more of them, and b) they're older than my friend and I, hence having more experience. I'm happy to go with either out with either one, but in all honesty, the more reliable group is also the more practical group. The other option isn't even a group; it's one person!
And I kinda feel like a social leech for even asking my friend in the first place, especially given how much shit is on her plate—she has way bigger things to worry about and she should not (and fucking will not :P) worry about inviting me anywhere. But I won't feel that way about my family cos I know they aren't as busy, and they'll be cool with taking me out. I gotta stop worrying about this one connection breaking for a while when I have this other really solid connection I can use instead.
And I know exactly what the fuck will happen if they go out on NYE and I don't: I'll sit at home, play some video games, and eventually think "...I would be having moar funz if I was out. Crap :(" I've already missed one opportunity; missing more is just fucking stupid :P
I'm actually hoping this whole 'going out' thing can become less elusive for me. The way I'm reacting, you'd think Jesus showed himself at these venues and I missed his second coming. This is not that different to going to a late movie, or a birthday party, or anything else I could possibly be invited to! It's the fucking same. The only difference is there's alcohol and dancing. People are still there, strangers are still there, assholes are still there, women are still there: it's just people meeting up and socialising in an environment I haven't been in before. Are there new opportunities? Sure. I'm not exactly likely to get laid at a late night movie with friends :P But is it that much different? No. It's not even the first place I've been to where there's alcohol and young adults. I've already been to at least one thing like that, and even if it wasn't a bar/club specifically, it's the same atmosphere.
And thinking it's different will make me act different. If I'm like "Oooh, I'm in a club, better act like it!", I'll either get really nervous really quickly, or act like a tryhard and look like a complete ass. If I'm like "Oooh, I'm in a club. Let's walk around and see what's going on :)", I'll be way more calm and likely to interact with people. I can't take it for what I think it's gonna be; I have to take it for what it is.
I've had lots of social success with my friends this year, more than I expected. We've stopped meeting up at uni, which kinda sucks, but I've still managed to organise quite a few things this year to compensate. I've had three gaming days, one of which was my birthday, and they were all super fun. I've invited one particular friend over heaps of times, meeting her in the mall then going back to my place to do stuff. I guess you could say we're best friends now :) And I've invited one or two other people over periodically. I even have one extra gaming day in the works, which will hopefully happen before the end of the year. I haven't really been invited as much, but I still went to two birthday parties, a movie or two, a gaming day at someone else's place, and maybe one or two other things I can't remember right now. This is way better than last year: I've taken initiative and made plans on my own more times than I would ever have expected myself to. It's progress, and I should be pleased with it.
This 'going out' stuff is nothing but the next step in the process. I was nervous when asking people over on Facebook cos I was like "Man, they probably have better stuff to do... >.>" but that isn't there now. My fears of bars and nightclubs are the same kinds of fears: ones that will go away eventually once they're confronted.
I think the main thing that will get me by is this realisation: the key is not to think. I didn't want to invite people over cos I thought they'd have better things to do. When I stopped thinking that, it stopped being a roadblock. Might they have had better things to do, prior commitments and the like? Certainly—some of them did. But most of them didn't. When I went to the birthday party a few weeks back, I thought less and reacted more. I didn't hold back anywhere near as much as I usually do, and I had fun because of it. I was with friends, so it was a safe environment anyway, but I was still at greater ease than I usually am in social things. And the same goes for going out: if I just let stuff happen rather than getting caught up in what will happen, or what has already happened, it should be cool. Good stuff will happen, bad stuff will happen, but it won't have such a stranglehold on my emotions.
My brain has to act like the US government did during the shutdown: only the essential parts must be kept running, and everything else gets turned the fuck off. I still have to be vigilant—new environments can be dangerous, so I have to be at least a little wary—but I'll have my family to keep an eye out too, at least initially, so that will make things safer.
This could very well be the alternative start to socialising I've wanted seeing as the stand-up thing will have to wait a few months. I should embrace it :)
Like, the friend of mine whose birthday I went to: they went out at a certain point, and the day before, I had a panic attack about not being able to go due to not having ID. I'm like "fuck fuck fuck this was your once chance and you blew it you asshat, why didn't you get your license earlier, do they take birth certificates combined with uni ID? No, of course they don't, why would they, everyone my age has the goddamned card already >.<". But I got over it relatively quickly and convinced myself that, no, I hadn't missed out on anything too major. Would have liked to go, but couldn't—I'll just wait till next time, right?
I'm pretty sure the friend of mine is gonna leave the country too soon for her to go out again (lemme know if I'm wrong there, Lucy). Or maybe the venues just won't be open due to the holidays, and won't re-open until she's gone. That all made me panic again for a short while. But really, it's all OK, cos I have a second avenue: my family. My second cousins, who are a little older than me, go out too, and they aren't going anywhere, so they're far more reliable. My mum even into my room the other day and was like "Now that you have your license, you could go out on New Years Eve with your cousins!", to which I responded "...eh. I'd rather just stay home."
What? What? I get fucking pissed off when I can't go, but when I can go, I don't want to go? Not only that, but I didn't even have to ask for that invitation! The hell is this? Part of me thinks it's this idea that going with my friend would be more comfortable than going with my family. But that's backwards. I'd be just as comfortable going with both, and technically, my family would be better support because a) there are more of them, and b) they're older than my friend and I, hence having more experience. I'm happy to go with either out with either one, but in all honesty, the more reliable group is also the more practical group. The other option isn't even a group; it's one person!
And I kinda feel like a social leech for even asking my friend in the first place, especially given how much shit is on her plate—she has way bigger things to worry about and she should not (and fucking will not :P) worry about inviting me anywhere. But I won't feel that way about my family cos I know they aren't as busy, and they'll be cool with taking me out. I gotta stop worrying about this one connection breaking for a while when I have this other really solid connection I can use instead.
And I know exactly what the fuck will happen if they go out on NYE and I don't: I'll sit at home, play some video games, and eventually think "...I would be having moar funz if I was out. Crap :(" I've already missed one opportunity; missing more is just fucking stupid :P
I'm actually hoping this whole 'going out' thing can become less elusive for me. The way I'm reacting, you'd think Jesus showed himself at these venues and I missed his second coming. This is not that different to going to a late movie, or a birthday party, or anything else I could possibly be invited to! It's the fucking same. The only difference is there's alcohol and dancing. People are still there, strangers are still there, assholes are still there, women are still there: it's just people meeting up and socialising in an environment I haven't been in before. Are there new opportunities? Sure. I'm not exactly likely to get laid at a late night movie with friends :P But is it that much different? No. It's not even the first place I've been to where there's alcohol and young adults. I've already been to at least one thing like that, and even if it wasn't a bar/club specifically, it's the same atmosphere.
And thinking it's different will make me act different. If I'm like "Oooh, I'm in a club, better act like it!", I'll either get really nervous really quickly, or act like a tryhard and look like a complete ass. If I'm like "Oooh, I'm in a club. Let's walk around and see what's going on :)", I'll be way more calm and likely to interact with people. I can't take it for what I think it's gonna be; I have to take it for what it is.
I've had lots of social success with my friends this year, more than I expected. We've stopped meeting up at uni, which kinda sucks, but I've still managed to organise quite a few things this year to compensate. I've had three gaming days, one of which was my birthday, and they were all super fun. I've invited one particular friend over heaps of times, meeting her in the mall then going back to my place to do stuff. I guess you could say we're best friends now :) And I've invited one or two other people over periodically. I even have one extra gaming day in the works, which will hopefully happen before the end of the year. I haven't really been invited as much, but I still went to two birthday parties, a movie or two, a gaming day at someone else's place, and maybe one or two other things I can't remember right now. This is way better than last year: I've taken initiative and made plans on my own more times than I would ever have expected myself to. It's progress, and I should be pleased with it.
This 'going out' stuff is nothing but the next step in the process. I was nervous when asking people over on Facebook cos I was like "Man, they probably have better stuff to do... >.>" but that isn't there now. My fears of bars and nightclubs are the same kinds of fears: ones that will go away eventually once they're confronted.
I think the main thing that will get me by is this realisation: the key is not to think. I didn't want to invite people over cos I thought they'd have better things to do. When I stopped thinking that, it stopped being a roadblock. Might they have had better things to do, prior commitments and the like? Certainly—some of them did. But most of them didn't. When I went to the birthday party a few weeks back, I thought less and reacted more. I didn't hold back anywhere near as much as I usually do, and I had fun because of it. I was with friends, so it was a safe environment anyway, but I was still at greater ease than I usually am in social things. And the same goes for going out: if I just let stuff happen rather than getting caught up in what will happen, or what has already happened, it should be cool. Good stuff will happen, bad stuff will happen, but it won't have such a stranglehold on my emotions.
My brain has to act like the US government did during the shutdown: only the essential parts must be kept running, and everything else gets turned the fuck off. I still have to be vigilant—new environments can be dangerous, so I have to be at least a little wary—but I'll have my family to keep an eye out too, at least initially, so that will make things safer.
This could very well be the alternative start to socialising I've wanted seeing as the stand-up thing will have to wait a few months. I should embrace it :)
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Progress: Left Foot Forward, Right Foot Backwards
Groin pain skywards.
I finally got my driver's license! I can finally get started on learning to drive. Even now that I have the card, the whole 'driving a car' part is still freaking me out. I know what all the signs mean, what lanes I can use, where I can change lanes, where I can stop/park, all that crap. But the not-running-people-over, concentrating-all-the-time, not-hitting-another-car part? Ssscccaaarrryyyy. I know it'll take some time to get used to the basics of starting and stopping, changing gears, turning corners, when to check mirrors and look behind. I'm pretty sure I can do those things. Doing them around other cars though? Eeeeeeep :|
I can also go out now! :D I was really looking forward to it before, but lately, even that's started to look difficult again. I mean, if I went, I doubt anything really bad would happen. I might say something stupid, feel awkward—certainly nothing worse than getting rejected by some chick I've started talking to or dancing with. But what pops into my head when I'm not feeling good is, like, some thug bashing the shit out of me, or my ID not being accepted, or being glassed or raped, or some other absolutely ridiculous scenario. None of those things are impossible, but they're soooo unlikely that I may as well not think about them. It's not helpful at all. I think if I do go out, I will be happy I made the decision to do so, even if I would have otherwise been fine with not going. Just the relative maturity of it all will probably make me feel pretty confident :)
Speaking of socialising, I was on reddit a while back and discovered two awesome subreddits that should be a big help for me: r/socialskills and r/faimprovement (Forever Alone Improvement). While r/seduction has helped me somewhat, its focus is on men dealing with women, whereas the other two are focused on socially awkward people dealing with other people of all sorts. After thinking about this for a while, I realised that I'm shit with people. I'm not shit with women specifically; I'm just shit at socialising in general. And I need basic social skills downpat before I can go beyond introductions and friendships to things like dating and hooking up. There are certainly things I need to work on when it comes to talking to women specifically, so it's good to know there are resources out there for that; and once I get far enough along with basic social skills, I can effectively work on both at the same time if I want to. But right now, I'm just not there yet.
That realisation kinda sucks because so much of the reason behind my wanting to go out more is to meet someone I can date or hook up with, but there's so much shit to do before I'll be able to even approach women I like the look/sound of. It seems so far away that, if I feel down, I think to myself "what is the point? The only reason I want to be with a woman is because I like how it feels to be with one. Couldn't I just... not pursue this? Am I sacrificing that much by just not talking to them or trying to fuck them or whatever else it is I want?" But I think it'll come with time. As soon as I see some chick I like, my brain will be like "Hey you know that stuff I said about not talking to women? omg I was so stupid when I said that, lol. :O nononononono, don't, like, rush over there. That would be silly. Gimme an hour or two to think about possible introductions. Just, like, think about approaching her, and stuff :)"
And I miss physical contact sooooo much. Not just hugging and cuddling, either--all the little stuff gets to me even more. I had a friend over the other day, and we were watching Whose Line on the lounge. She then rested her head on my shoulder. She's not interested in me (she once was, but says she no longer is, and I believe her), and I'm not interested in her, so it wasn't romantic. But it still felt really awesome. This pleasant tension arose in my stomach, something I haven't felt in a long while. It didn't matter that she was just a friend; I just like it when girls lie on my shoulder like that. But when a friend does it, as gratifying as it feels, I can't put my arms around them, I can't stroke their hair, I can't lie on their shoulder--the interaction can't go any further. I miss holding hands, too, though I haven't done that with a girl for ages. And even if I have, it hasn't been the cutesy, interlocking fingers, stroking-the-back-of-her-hand-with-my-thumb variety. That's what I miss.
(I really fucking hope that isn't a sign she still likes me, cos if it is, as nice as it feels, it's a sign of some serious one-itis :P)
It's so strange reading about how socially acceptable it can be to touch people you've just met if you do it the right way, escalating the touching such that you touch different parts of them in a certain order (so long as they're cool with it). It's like "wow, really? I don't have to wait too long to do that? Cool! :D" but then the perceived risk factor hits and it's like "no no no no no no no omg that's so creepy, wow, jeez, don't do that, holy shit she'll smack you >.<" In any case, I'd need major balls to initiate anything like that, whether with some chick I just met or someone I've already met who I wanna ask out or something. I guess longing for it will give me incentive, which I definitely need, but still... scaryyyy.
Hmm... I wonder if, instead of a fuck buddy, I could get a cuddle buddy. That would be cool :3
I finally got my driver's license! I can finally get started on learning to drive. Even now that I have the card, the whole 'driving a car' part is still freaking me out. I know what all the signs mean, what lanes I can use, where I can change lanes, where I can stop/park, all that crap. But the not-running-people-over, concentrating-all-the-time, not-hitting-another-car part? Ssscccaaarrryyyy. I know it'll take some time to get used to the basics of starting and stopping, changing gears, turning corners, when to check mirrors and look behind. I'm pretty sure I can do those things. Doing them around other cars though? Eeeeeeep :|
I can also go out now! :D I was really looking forward to it before, but lately, even that's started to look difficult again. I mean, if I went, I doubt anything really bad would happen. I might say something stupid, feel awkward—certainly nothing worse than getting rejected by some chick I've started talking to or dancing with. But what pops into my head when I'm not feeling good is, like, some thug bashing the shit out of me, or my ID not being accepted, or being glassed or raped, or some other absolutely ridiculous scenario. None of those things are impossible, but they're soooo unlikely that I may as well not think about them. It's not helpful at all. I think if I do go out, I will be happy I made the decision to do so, even if I would have otherwise been fine with not going. Just the relative maturity of it all will probably make me feel pretty confident :)
Speaking of socialising, I was on reddit a while back and discovered two awesome subreddits that should be a big help for me: r/socialskills and r/faimprovement (Forever Alone Improvement). While r/seduction has helped me somewhat, its focus is on men dealing with women, whereas the other two are focused on socially awkward people dealing with other people of all sorts. After thinking about this for a while, I realised that I'm shit with people. I'm not shit with women specifically; I'm just shit at socialising in general. And I need basic social skills downpat before I can go beyond introductions and friendships to things like dating and hooking up. There are certainly things I need to work on when it comes to talking to women specifically, so it's good to know there are resources out there for that; and once I get far enough along with basic social skills, I can effectively work on both at the same time if I want to. But right now, I'm just not there yet.
That realisation kinda sucks because so much of the reason behind my wanting to go out more is to meet someone I can date or hook up with, but there's so much shit to do before I'll be able to even approach women I like the look/sound of. It seems so far away that, if I feel down, I think to myself "what is the point? The only reason I want to be with a woman is because I like how it feels to be with one. Couldn't I just... not pursue this? Am I sacrificing that much by just not talking to them or trying to fuck them or whatever else it is I want?" But I think it'll come with time. As soon as I see some chick I like, my brain will be like "Hey you know that stuff I said about not talking to women? omg I was so stupid when I said that, lol. :O nononononono, don't, like, rush over there. That would be silly. Gimme an hour or two to think about possible introductions. Just, like, think about approaching her, and stuff :)"
And I miss physical contact sooooo much. Not just hugging and cuddling, either--all the little stuff gets to me even more. I had a friend over the other day, and we were watching Whose Line on the lounge. She then rested her head on my shoulder. She's not interested in me (she once was, but says she no longer is, and I believe her), and I'm not interested in her, so it wasn't romantic. But it still felt really awesome. This pleasant tension arose in my stomach, something I haven't felt in a long while. It didn't matter that she was just a friend; I just like it when girls lie on my shoulder like that. But when a friend does it, as gratifying as it feels, I can't put my arms around them, I can't stroke their hair, I can't lie on their shoulder--the interaction can't go any further. I miss holding hands, too, though I haven't done that with a girl for ages. And even if I have, it hasn't been the cutesy, interlocking fingers, stroking-the-back-of-her-hand-with-my-thumb variety. That's what I miss.
(I really fucking hope that isn't a sign she still likes me, cos if it is, as nice as it feels, it's a sign of some serious one-itis :P)
It's so strange reading about how socially acceptable it can be to touch people you've just met if you do it the right way, escalating the touching such that you touch different parts of them in a certain order (so long as they're cool with it). It's like "wow, really? I don't have to wait too long to do that? Cool! :D" but then the perceived risk factor hits and it's like "no no no no no no no omg that's so creepy, wow, jeez, don't do that, holy shit she'll smack you >.<" In any case, I'd need major balls to initiate anything like that, whether with some chick I just met or someone I've already met who I wanna ask out or something. I guess longing for it will give me incentive, which I definitely need, but still... scaryyyy.
Hmm... I wonder if, instead of a fuck buddy, I could get a cuddle buddy. That would be cool :3
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
Social Anxiety: y u do dis?
So I got invited to the party I mentioned in the last entry, which I'm pleased about :) They're going a few hours after the party starts—hearing about that irritated the shit out of me cos if the RMS weren't so stringent/moronic with their ID requirements, I'd have my L's, hence having ID, and I'd be able to tag along. In reality, while it would be great to go, it's not a huge loss. I might be able to snag another invite soon after I (hopefully) get my L's next weekend, if not from the person who's party I'm going to then from someone else, perhaps my cousins who also like to go out. And it's not like I'm gonna go out one time and instantaneously hit it off with the ladies, or make a shitload of new friends—I'm only gonna make gains in those fields if I go out regularly. So this is only a temporary delay for the start of my going out, not the end of the world (could be the end, too, if I hate it :P). And I know damn well that as fun and new and exciting as it could be, it'll also be super fucking scary and nerve wracking and all that too, so I've incidentally postponed that saga as well :P It felt so strange, not being able to go out, after having not wanted to go out for all these years.
I'm looking forward to the party, but I've felt nervous about it for the past few hours. I really don't know why. I mean, I'm not going into town with them, so the only part of this experience which could even possibly be 'new' to me is the part I'm not attending. It's a fucking birthday party with people I already know—what could possibly go wrong? I'm not gonna get bad-mouthed, insulted, judged, ignored, or anything like that. I have my gift and my card, so I'm not unprepared in that respect. I've got clothes to wear, I've got plenty of time to get ready before I leave, and I live nearby so I don't have to worry too much about travelling. Yet despite all that knowledge, I feel like I do when I'm standing at a stage door, moments from performing before an audience.
This kind of social anxiety is the worst cos I don't even know why I feel like this. If I did have my L's and I was able to go out, I'd totally understand why I was feeling nervous: I'd be going somewhere new, somewhere I'd never been before. I'd be around heaps of strangers in a building I couldn't navigate, where all the people I know would be spread out doing their own thing cos they all have done this before. Having to deal with my brain throwing hypotheticals at me every thirty seconds, like "What if you can't get home? What if you don't have money for a cab? What if you get held up at knife/gun point? What if some huge guy starts a fight with you? What if you get rejected by some chick you talk to? What if you don't get rejected by some girl you talk to, and you somehow get her to go back to your place, and she sees the Nintendo 64 in your room with the Pokemon logo on it and laughs at you? What the fuck are you gonna do then? Huh!?" That's fucking scary. I'm sure I could bear it, but at least being nervous there would make sense. This doesn't make any sense! Hopefully it subsides before I go, but I have a feeling it'll only get worse. I'm sure it'll be fine once I'm at the party, just like I'm fine once I've told my opening joke when doing comedy. But until then... :/
---
Back now. Had a great time. Nothing bad happened. I told you, past self, but you just wouldn't listen. Gotta trust future self, bro; he's wise.
So yeah, I had lots of fun :) My friend seemed to really like her gift: money for her trip, but in Great British Pounds rather than Australian Dollars. I know she's gonna have to get all her money converted anyway, but I thought it'd be cool to give her the money in pounds, just for the hell of it. I figured others would also give her money in GBP, as it seemed such an obvious thing to do, but they were the first pounds she'd actually held, so she got a nice surprise. Seeing as I'm usually shit with gifts, that went far better than expected.
I also talked to more people this time around. Last year, I mainly talked with one person the whole time. It's not like that was bad or anything, but it did mean I restricted myself a great deal in terms of who I interacted with. This time around, I spoke mainly to three people: all people I already knew, but still branching out more than last time. There wasn't really a focus on any one of the three, either; my attention was evenly divided. I had smaller interactions with some of the others, most of whom I knew but a few of which I didn't. I largely avoided talking to the people I didn't recognise, but didn't feel uncomfortable being around them or being spoken to by them. Baby steps :) I also managed to get two more visits with friends on the table, ready for scheduling later on, so that'll be awesome. I'd already managed to invite two friends over since uni ended, and this makes for one more friend being invited (and another visiting again) so I'm doing far better than I was this time last year. Glad I'm managing to keep the ball rolling :D
I even tried a new food! Not totally new, but still something I hadn't really tried before. The birthday cake was a home-made cheesecake, and I was like "the cake part is cool. I approve of the cake part. But the cheese part? I do question the cheese part." I eat heaps of things that either have cheese in them or are cheese flavoured, so I just said "fuck it" and took a plate. It was gggoooooooddd ^_^ I thought it'd have more of a creamy texture to it, but it was more solid, being cake and all, so I ate it right up. Didn't try anything else, but this is still something new, which makes me happy.
The only even remotely bad part was that I couldn't really dance, and that was cos the music just wasn't the kind I was into (our tastes in music are pretty much polar opposites). At one point, I was sitting on the couch, listening to the music, going "hmm. I would like to shake my groove thing all up in this mofo... but my ears are saying 'nooooooooo'". It's not that the music was unbearable or anything; I just have trouble dancing to music I don't know well enough, especially when no one else is really dancing either. Even if I'd hated the music with a burning passion, I could still have danced to it if I knew how it went, but I don't listen to Taylor Swift or Glee or One Direction... and even the prospect of dancing won't change that :P Was only a small thing, though: the friend and I joked about it for a while after I mentioned it, so it was all gud :)
And I will dance to pop music, by the way. Some of my favourite dancing music is pop music. If, at any point, I heard "It's just one thing that got me trippin', it's just one thing that got me trippin', you did this one thing my soul may be feeling, it's just one thing you did", my head would go side to side with the "Ooohh, ooohhh, oh!" I'd dance to that shit. Even if it was Britney Spears saying "gimme gimme moar, gimme moar, gimme gimme moar", I'd dance, cos I recognise it. I hope they don't exclusively play Swift and 1D and similar music at clubs, or it's gonna be make an already hard job even harder :P
Speaking of that, when people left my friend's place either to go into town or go home, I managed to let my friend know that I was happy to be invited out again if she went. Part of me was like "Yes! Initiative! Letting people know you're interested! Good work :)"; the rest of me, after I left, was like "Hey, wait a minute.. you didn't thank her for inviting you! She thanked you for coming, and you said 'no problem', then let her know you'd happily take another invite into town, then you left! Oh yeah, hit her up for an invite, but don't thank her for what she gave you. Selfish fuck." I mean, I did thank her when she gave me the invitation, but it's always polite to thank someone for inviting you to stuff when you leave. When I realised, I was like "ssshhhiiitttt. Sssshhhiiititt! I always do that! I never not do that!" I didn't really stress about it much, but given that expressing courtesy for invites is one of the few social things I have down-pat, it felt foreign not to have done it this time. On the plus side, though, that reminder means there might be a chance for me to go out before the year ends! Yay ^_^
So yeah, had many funz, couldn't really have gone much better from my perspective.
I'm looking forward to the party, but I've felt nervous about it for the past few hours. I really don't know why. I mean, I'm not going into town with them, so the only part of this experience which could even possibly be 'new' to me is the part I'm not attending. It's a fucking birthday party with people I already know—what could possibly go wrong? I'm not gonna get bad-mouthed, insulted, judged, ignored, or anything like that. I have my gift and my card, so I'm not unprepared in that respect. I've got clothes to wear, I've got plenty of time to get ready before I leave, and I live nearby so I don't have to worry too much about travelling. Yet despite all that knowledge, I feel like I do when I'm standing at a stage door, moments from performing before an audience.
This kind of social anxiety is the worst cos I don't even know why I feel like this. If I did have my L's and I was able to go out, I'd totally understand why I was feeling nervous: I'd be going somewhere new, somewhere I'd never been before. I'd be around heaps of strangers in a building I couldn't navigate, where all the people I know would be spread out doing their own thing cos they all have done this before. Having to deal with my brain throwing hypotheticals at me every thirty seconds, like "What if you can't get home? What if you don't have money for a cab? What if you get held up at knife/gun point? What if some huge guy starts a fight with you? What if you get rejected by some chick you talk to? What if you don't get rejected by some girl you talk to, and you somehow get her to go back to your place, and she sees the Nintendo 64 in your room with the Pokemon logo on it and laughs at you? What the fuck are you gonna do then? Huh!?" That's fucking scary. I'm sure I could bear it, but at least being nervous there would make sense. This doesn't make any sense! Hopefully it subsides before I go, but I have a feeling it'll only get worse. I'm sure it'll be fine once I'm at the party, just like I'm fine once I've told my opening joke when doing comedy. But until then... :/
---
Back now. Had a great time. Nothing bad happened. I told you, past self, but you just wouldn't listen. Gotta trust future self, bro; he's wise.
So yeah, I had lots of fun :) My friend seemed to really like her gift: money for her trip, but in Great British Pounds rather than Australian Dollars. I know she's gonna have to get all her money converted anyway, but I thought it'd be cool to give her the money in pounds, just for the hell of it. I figured others would also give her money in GBP, as it seemed such an obvious thing to do, but they were the first pounds she'd actually held, so she got a nice surprise. Seeing as I'm usually shit with gifts, that went far better than expected.
I also talked to more people this time around. Last year, I mainly talked with one person the whole time. It's not like that was bad or anything, but it did mean I restricted myself a great deal in terms of who I interacted with. This time around, I spoke mainly to three people: all people I already knew, but still branching out more than last time. There wasn't really a focus on any one of the three, either; my attention was evenly divided. I had smaller interactions with some of the others, most of whom I knew but a few of which I didn't. I largely avoided talking to the people I didn't recognise, but didn't feel uncomfortable being around them or being spoken to by them. Baby steps :) I also managed to get two more visits with friends on the table, ready for scheduling later on, so that'll be awesome. I'd already managed to invite two friends over since uni ended, and this makes for one more friend being invited (and another visiting again) so I'm doing far better than I was this time last year. Glad I'm managing to keep the ball rolling :D
I even tried a new food! Not totally new, but still something I hadn't really tried before. The birthday cake was a home-made cheesecake, and I was like "the cake part is cool. I approve of the cake part. But the cheese part? I do question the cheese part." I eat heaps of things that either have cheese in them or are cheese flavoured, so I just said "fuck it" and took a plate. It was gggoooooooddd ^_^ I thought it'd have more of a creamy texture to it, but it was more solid, being cake and all, so I ate it right up. Didn't try anything else, but this is still something new, which makes me happy.
The only even remotely bad part was that I couldn't really dance, and that was cos the music just wasn't the kind I was into (our tastes in music are pretty much polar opposites). At one point, I was sitting on the couch, listening to the music, going "hmm. I would like to shake my groove thing all up in this mofo... but my ears are saying 'nooooooooo'". It's not that the music was unbearable or anything; I just have trouble dancing to music I don't know well enough, especially when no one else is really dancing either. Even if I'd hated the music with a burning passion, I could still have danced to it if I knew how it went, but I don't listen to Taylor Swift or Glee or One Direction... and even the prospect of dancing won't change that :P Was only a small thing, though: the friend and I joked about it for a while after I mentioned it, so it was all gud :)
And I will dance to pop music, by the way. Some of my favourite dancing music is pop music. If, at any point, I heard "It's just one thing that got me trippin', it's just one thing that got me trippin', you did this one thing my soul may be feeling, it's just one thing you did", my head would go side to side with the "Ooohh, ooohhh, oh!" I'd dance to that shit. Even if it was Britney Spears saying "gimme gimme moar, gimme moar, gimme gimme moar", I'd dance, cos I recognise it. I hope they don't exclusively play Swift and 1D and similar music at clubs, or it's gonna be make an already hard job even harder :P
Speaking of that, when people left my friend's place either to go into town or go home, I managed to let my friend know that I was happy to be invited out again if she went. Part of me was like "Yes! Initiative! Letting people know you're interested! Good work :)"; the rest of me, after I left, was like "Hey, wait a minute.. you didn't thank her for inviting you! She thanked you for coming, and you said 'no problem', then let her know you'd happily take another invite into town, then you left! Oh yeah, hit her up for an invite, but don't thank her for what she gave you. Selfish fuck." I mean, I did thank her when she gave me the invitation, but it's always polite to thank someone for inviting you to stuff when you leave. When I realised, I was like "ssshhhiiitttt. Sssshhhiiititt! I always do that! I never not do that!" I didn't really stress about it much, but given that expressing courtesy for invites is one of the few social things I have down-pat, it felt foreign not to have done it this time. On the plus side, though, that reminder means there might be a chance for me to go out before the year ends! Yay ^_^
So yeah, had many funz, couldn't really have gone much better from my perspective.
Thursday, 5 December 2013
Absentee
A friend of mine is having a birthday party soon. I only heard about it through another friend when they accidentally assumed I'd also been invited, even though I haven't been. This normally wouldn't be a big deal to me—people are free to invite whoever they want to their parties—but it surprised me that I wasn't invited. I invited her to my birthday, even though she declined, and I've invited her to other things I've hosted too. We've seen each other this year at meet-ups, and we've spoken, albeit infrequently, over our blogs. I was invited to her party last year, too, and I enjoyed myself for the most part. All this has left me very confused. And because I'm invited to stuff so rarely, it's fucked with my head since I heard about it.
The reason could be completely understandable: maybe there was a cap on the number of guests she could invite and I wasn't high enough up the list to get a spot (we aren't close by any means); maybe she only wants her close friends there; maybe she's holding it at an 18+ venue and knew I don't have the ID to get in; maybe she only wants close maybe it's a girls-only event, meaning I'm somewhat exempt :P Shit, for all I know, maybe she thinks she has invited me with all the others but forgot to click my name or something. I have no clue. But, for all I know, the host decided in advance that, no, I was not to have an invite for some specific personal reason. I don't know, and I can't make assumptions of any sort: I can only guess and wonder. And when left to my own devices like that, I don't deal with it well.
This isn't the host's fault, and I'm sure that wasn't her intention. She's not vindictive like that, and if she is, she has no history of that with me. I can be quite sure she's not intentionally excluding me to bully me or make me feel bad. The thing is that when you've only been invited to one other birthday party over the rest of the year, this shit matters. Something which would otherwise seem small, petty, and not worth worrying over becomes fucking huge. This is one of those rare opportunities to get out of the house, to talk with people, to be social—around people I've met before, no less, only aiding me in being comfortable. I would have loved to go; I would almost certainly have enjoyed myself, like I did last year. I even had some clue of what to get her for her birthday, and that never happens for me:P But I wasn't invited to the party. Again, it's obviously not the host's fault in any way that I'm short on friends and invites to things, but it does means that every invite I get means a lot to me.
I also wrote a blog entry back in September where I explicitly stated I wanted to be more social, and my friend here even commented, implying that she'd invite me out sometime in the future. I can't expect her to remember and abide by everything she's ever said to me—she's way busier than I am—but reading that comment gave me the impression that I knew at least one person who was willing to invite me to a social event at some point. It made me really happy to know that. Perhaps her position has changed since then, but if it has, could I at least be told so I don't continue to get my hopes up?
As ridiculous as it sounds, this confusion has led to me waking up each morning asking myself the same series of questions: "Why was I not invited? Which of my guesses is right? Are any of them right? Did I do something wrong?" I mean, it's not just that I haven't been invited, either; she hasn't even told me about the party. I doubt she even knows that I know the party is happening.
I evidently want an invite; I think it'd be fun to go. But at the same time, I don't want to directly ask her for an invite because I think that would come off as needy or strange, even obsessive. I mean, on one hand, going with the "treat others as you'd like to be treated" mantra, if someone I knew asked for an invite to my birthday, I'd probably be like "Sure, you can come :)", and my friend could well have the same response. Maybe if I were to ask, she'd be more than happy to send an invite my way, glad that another person wants to come along and celebrate her birthday. The thing is that I want to respect her right to invite whoever she wants to her party without being bothered by those she doesn't want to invite. I don't know which camp I fall into. I also feel that if she doesn't want me there of her own volition, going would make me feel unwelcome, even though I'd be there at the party with her permission. I don't think it would feel right. This blog entry is as close as I'll get to a request.
And my history with being attracted to her doesn't help, either. It only exacerbates the risk of this coming off the wrong way. But my desire to go has very little to do with her specifically. I don't want to go because it's her party; I want to go because it's a party, a friend's party. It's an event where I can hang out with people and just relax, not having to worry about being around strangers or feeling too anxious. Were the party for any other friend's birthday, I'd feel the exact same way, though I'd be more inclined to ask for an invite due to the lack of unusual history with said host. Half of this is about not wanting to make the wrong impression.
Hopefully my friend reads this before her party goes ahead, but if not, I'll just have to wait for the next thing to come along, whoever it comes from.
The reason could be completely understandable: maybe there was a cap on the number of guests she could invite and I wasn't high enough up the list to get a spot (we aren't close by any means); maybe she only wants her close friends there; maybe she's holding it at an 18+ venue and knew I don't have the ID to get in; maybe she only wants close maybe it's a girls-only event, meaning I'm somewhat exempt :P Shit, for all I know, maybe she thinks she has invited me with all the others but forgot to click my name or something. I have no clue. But, for all I know, the host decided in advance that, no, I was not to have an invite for some specific personal reason. I don't know, and I can't make assumptions of any sort: I can only guess and wonder. And when left to my own devices like that, I don't deal with it well.
This isn't the host's fault, and I'm sure that wasn't her intention. She's not vindictive like that, and if she is, she has no history of that with me. I can be quite sure she's not intentionally excluding me to bully me or make me feel bad. The thing is that when you've only been invited to one other birthday party over the rest of the year, this shit matters. Something which would otherwise seem small, petty, and not worth worrying over becomes fucking huge. This is one of those rare opportunities to get out of the house, to talk with people, to be social—around people I've met before, no less, only aiding me in being comfortable. I would have loved to go; I would almost certainly have enjoyed myself, like I did last year. I even had some clue of what to get her for her birthday, and that never happens for me:P But I wasn't invited to the party. Again, it's obviously not the host's fault in any way that I'm short on friends and invites to things, but it does means that every invite I get means a lot to me.
I also wrote a blog entry back in September where I explicitly stated I wanted to be more social, and my friend here even commented, implying that she'd invite me out sometime in the future. I can't expect her to remember and abide by everything she's ever said to me—she's way busier than I am—but reading that comment gave me the impression that I knew at least one person who was willing to invite me to a social event at some point. It made me really happy to know that. Perhaps her position has changed since then, but if it has, could I at least be told so I don't continue to get my hopes up?
As ridiculous as it sounds, this confusion has led to me waking up each morning asking myself the same series of questions: "Why was I not invited? Which of my guesses is right? Are any of them right? Did I do something wrong?" I mean, it's not just that I haven't been invited, either; she hasn't even told me about the party. I doubt she even knows that I know the party is happening.
I evidently want an invite; I think it'd be fun to go. But at the same time, I don't want to directly ask her for an invite because I think that would come off as needy or strange, even obsessive. I mean, on one hand, going with the "treat others as you'd like to be treated" mantra, if someone I knew asked for an invite to my birthday, I'd probably be like "Sure, you can come :)", and my friend could well have the same response. Maybe if I were to ask, she'd be more than happy to send an invite my way, glad that another person wants to come along and celebrate her birthday. The thing is that I want to respect her right to invite whoever she wants to her party without being bothered by those she doesn't want to invite. I don't know which camp I fall into. I also feel that if she doesn't want me there of her own volition, going would make me feel unwelcome, even though I'd be there at the party with her permission. I don't think it would feel right. This blog entry is as close as I'll get to a request.
And my history with being attracted to her doesn't help, either. It only exacerbates the risk of this coming off the wrong way. But my desire to go has very little to do with her specifically. I don't want to go because it's her party; I want to go because it's a party, a friend's party. It's an event where I can hang out with people and just relax, not having to worry about being around strangers or feeling too anxious. Were the party for any other friend's birthday, I'd feel the exact same way, though I'd be more inclined to ask for an invite due to the lack of unusual history with said host. Half of this is about not wanting to make the wrong impression.
Hopefully my friend reads this before her party goes ahead, but if not, I'll just have to wait for the next thing to come along, whoever it comes from.
Thursday, 28 November 2013
Self-Appreciation: The Ultimate Pyramid Scheme
Or at least a scheme that's represented by a pyramid. Hopefully these promises to myself aren't quite so empty :P
So I was browsing reddit, and I came across this picture:
I feel this sums up rather succinctly how I've been feeling about how I need to progress: I need to feel good about myself, then become interesting, then I can get to the good stuff. But I'm finding there are way more things down the bottom that I have to sort out, more than I originally thought; and on top of that, it looks like I'm going to have to postpone things or change my plan of attack, which is somewhat frustrating.
For starters, the Film and Performance Society at uni is yet to contact me about my stand-up, even though I sent them my latest video over two months ago. I dunno if they liked it or if they didn't like it, or even if they've seen it. A reply would have been nice :P Maybe they expected me to turn up at one of their meetings and took my absence as a change of heart, even though I figured sending them the video would tell them everything they needed to know (and I was never told I had to go to any meeting). I dunno.
The reason this is so annoying is that the stand-up thing was the lever-operated-boot that was gonna get this whole self-confidence ball rolling, but now that's (probably) not gonna happen for an extra four months. That is a long time to be making no progress, especially when I have nothing else to do in that time (I might end up working full time for most of it, but it's still many a wasted night home alone). The obvious solution is 'find some other way to start this thing off', but I don't know what that is. This was intended to open social avenues because the ones I have now won't facilitate self-improvement--I can't meet anyone new via my existing friends, cos if I could, it would have happened by now. It's not their fault, either, cos this isn't their responsibility. It's mine and mine alone.
On top of that, there are other aspects besides mere social confidence that I think I have to address. There seem to be multiple areas of confidence where I'm lacking, and social confidence is only one of them. Eating is the other huge one, and that's a major part of the social problems I'm having in the first place. If that were no longer a problem, it'd solve half my problems in one fell swoop.
Firstly, I could go out to restaurants and other places where eating is the focus cos I'd be willing to actually eat. I wouldn't have to worry when being invited out, or inviting someone else out with me, about ending up at a restaurant and having to sit there not eating anything :P I wouldn't have to fear asking some girl out and having her go "Oh, I know! Let's go to [restaurant she really likes]!", which will then lead to me either a) lying to get out of it, or b) somehow trying to explain myself without ruining her opinion of me in its entirety.
I can't even be sure how someone would react if I told them that. Tolerance varies from person to person, and I usually assume the worst cos that's what I always do. I found out recently that my condition actually has a name (Selective Eating Disorder), but when I did research on how people with SED fare in the world of women and relationships, I couldn't find anything. Any page on relationships with people who have eating disorders is invariably about girls with anorexia or bulimia, because those disorders are far more common than SED seems to be. But I can't imagine a woman's reaction being anything but bad. How would you react if some guy you were otherwise interested in had this entire aspect of their life totally screwed up? Couldn't cook for him, or with him; couldn't have him cook for you; couldn't go out to restaurants with him; couldn't eat at his/your parents'/friend's place with him... if you like any one of those things, it's not gonna go down well. I keep having to remind myself that people actually see cooking food and eating together as a common thing they can expect of others, cos it's so uncommon in my life that it may as well not exist as an activity :P
But, with that freedom comes the second plus: maturity. I will feel a hundred times better as a person if I don't have to keep navigating around this roadblock, cos it makes me feel like a fucking child. I'll feel better physically cos I'll be eating better, and I'll feel better mentally cos I'll be aware of all the cool stuff I can do. One thing seddit mentions all the time is 'living in the moment', and it's hard to do that when you're constantly trying to anticipate how you're going to react to something in the future so it doesn't hit you by surprise--in this case, being invited to eat somewhere.
The problem with that is it's just such a huge issue that I feel I'm almost beyond repair at this point. Most of the time, it feels too late for me to change these habits cos they're so ingrained in my head that even the slightest change breathes discomfort right into me. It will take a long time to shift my mentality, if it's possible at all; and even then, I will never eat quite as much as everyone else. But all it would take for the most vital gain would be the ability to eat something--anything--you can order from a restaurant. Then I could at least have some option. And if I improve my eating habits even to that extent, telling people I have SED won't be as bad cos the SED itself won't be as bad. They won't see it as quite so abnormal if I can eat a few normal things.
I've also been having those weird bi-polar moments where I'm really sad one moment and perfectly fine within an hour. I dunno why, but I seem to be returning to the old ways of hypersensitivity, which is not a good sign. I think part of it comes from the aforementioned feeling of immaturity, but also from feelings of envy. I keep seeing photos of people I know in other countries, or writing about their plans to travel, or discussing where they want to work or live in the future. I don't really want to travel, and I don't have the slightest clue what I'm going to do with my life, but seeing other people talk about this stuff makes me feel behind.
The self-improvement stuff I'm reading mentions incessantly the need to be happy with your own life independent of what others are doing. But social media makes that fucking hard, man. I don't really use Facebook except to chat with one or two friends, but seeing all that stuff on my wall can be a real downer sometimes. Why do I care what they do? I don't want to give a shit about what they do or where they are or who they're with or where they work or anything of that sort. What does it matter to me? I just wanna be satisfied with what's going on with me, everyone else be damned. There are things I want to do, like perform stand-up, or attend improv classes, but these things aren't within my reach, nt geographically or socially. I'd have to go to exorbitant lengths just to get anywhere.
It's not like I don't dream about what I want to do and have my own wishes; they're just so far-fetched. I keep wanting to learn improv, get a group of players together, perform at uni regularly in both stand-up and short-form improv, but it's gonna be a while before I can get any of that together, if it's even possible at all given how few connections I have. I'd even like to tour around different Aussie unis to perform stand-up, once I got a good 30-45 minutes going--but again, how long is that going to take? Is that feasible? Or will it get in the way of uni, or my job if I ever get one?
I guess that does count as wanting to travel, just not in a typical way :P
Just not sure what to do. Will just have to look into things more and be prepared to put more effort in if I want to get anywhere. Until uni goes back, though, I don't see myself being invited anywhere or getting to perform. Gonna be flying the next few months solo.
So I was browsing reddit, and I came across this picture:
I feel this sums up rather succinctly how I've been feeling about how I need to progress: I need to feel good about myself, then become interesting, then I can get to the good stuff. But I'm finding there are way more things down the bottom that I have to sort out, more than I originally thought; and on top of that, it looks like I'm going to have to postpone things or change my plan of attack, which is somewhat frustrating.
For starters, the Film and Performance Society at uni is yet to contact me about my stand-up, even though I sent them my latest video over two months ago. I dunno if they liked it or if they didn't like it, or even if they've seen it. A reply would have been nice :P Maybe they expected me to turn up at one of their meetings and took my absence as a change of heart, even though I figured sending them the video would tell them everything they needed to know (and I was never told I had to go to any meeting). I dunno.
The reason this is so annoying is that the stand-up thing was the lever-operated-boot that was gonna get this whole self-confidence ball rolling, but now that's (probably) not gonna happen for an extra four months. That is a long time to be making no progress, especially when I have nothing else to do in that time (I might end up working full time for most of it, but it's still many a wasted night home alone). The obvious solution is 'find some other way to start this thing off', but I don't know what that is. This was intended to open social avenues because the ones I have now won't facilitate self-improvement--I can't meet anyone new via my existing friends, cos if I could, it would have happened by now. It's not their fault, either, cos this isn't their responsibility. It's mine and mine alone.
On top of that, there are other aspects besides mere social confidence that I think I have to address. There seem to be multiple areas of confidence where I'm lacking, and social confidence is only one of them. Eating is the other huge one, and that's a major part of the social problems I'm having in the first place. If that were no longer a problem, it'd solve half my problems in one fell swoop.
Firstly, I could go out to restaurants and other places where eating is the focus cos I'd be willing to actually eat. I wouldn't have to worry when being invited out, or inviting someone else out with me, about ending up at a restaurant and having to sit there not eating anything :P I wouldn't have to fear asking some girl out and having her go "Oh, I know! Let's go to [restaurant she really likes]!", which will then lead to me either a) lying to get out of it, or b) somehow trying to explain myself without ruining her opinion of me in its entirety.
I can't even be sure how someone would react if I told them that. Tolerance varies from person to person, and I usually assume the worst cos that's what I always do. I found out recently that my condition actually has a name (Selective Eating Disorder), but when I did research on how people with SED fare in the world of women and relationships, I couldn't find anything. Any page on relationships with people who have eating disorders is invariably about girls with anorexia or bulimia, because those disorders are far more common than SED seems to be. But I can't imagine a woman's reaction being anything but bad. How would you react if some guy you were otherwise interested in had this entire aspect of their life totally screwed up? Couldn't cook for him, or with him; couldn't have him cook for you; couldn't go out to restaurants with him; couldn't eat at his/your parents'/friend's place with him... if you like any one of those things, it's not gonna go down well. I keep having to remind myself that people actually see cooking food and eating together as a common thing they can expect of others, cos it's so uncommon in my life that it may as well not exist as an activity :P
But, with that freedom comes the second plus: maturity. I will feel a hundred times better as a person if I don't have to keep navigating around this roadblock, cos it makes me feel like a fucking child. I'll feel better physically cos I'll be eating better, and I'll feel better mentally cos I'll be aware of all the cool stuff I can do. One thing seddit mentions all the time is 'living in the moment', and it's hard to do that when you're constantly trying to anticipate how you're going to react to something in the future so it doesn't hit you by surprise--in this case, being invited to eat somewhere.
The problem with that is it's just such a huge issue that I feel I'm almost beyond repair at this point. Most of the time, it feels too late for me to change these habits cos they're so ingrained in my head that even the slightest change breathes discomfort right into me. It will take a long time to shift my mentality, if it's possible at all; and even then, I will never eat quite as much as everyone else. But all it would take for the most vital gain would be the ability to eat something--anything--you can order from a restaurant. Then I could at least have some option. And if I improve my eating habits even to that extent, telling people I have SED won't be as bad cos the SED itself won't be as bad. They won't see it as quite so abnormal if I can eat a few normal things.
I've also been having those weird bi-polar moments where I'm really sad one moment and perfectly fine within an hour. I dunno why, but I seem to be returning to the old ways of hypersensitivity, which is not a good sign. I think part of it comes from the aforementioned feeling of immaturity, but also from feelings of envy. I keep seeing photos of people I know in other countries, or writing about their plans to travel, or discussing where they want to work or live in the future. I don't really want to travel, and I don't have the slightest clue what I'm going to do with my life, but seeing other people talk about this stuff makes me feel behind.
The self-improvement stuff I'm reading mentions incessantly the need to be happy with your own life independent of what others are doing. But social media makes that fucking hard, man. I don't really use Facebook except to chat with one or two friends, but seeing all that stuff on my wall can be a real downer sometimes. Why do I care what they do? I don't want to give a shit about what they do or where they are or who they're with or where they work or anything of that sort. What does it matter to me? I just wanna be satisfied with what's going on with me, everyone else be damned. There are things I want to do, like perform stand-up, or attend improv classes, but these things aren't within my reach, nt geographically or socially. I'd have to go to exorbitant lengths just to get anywhere.
It's not like I don't dream about what I want to do and have my own wishes; they're just so far-fetched. I keep wanting to learn improv, get a group of players together, perform at uni regularly in both stand-up and short-form improv, but it's gonna be a while before I can get any of that together, if it's even possible at all given how few connections I have. I'd even like to tour around different Aussie unis to perform stand-up, once I got a good 30-45 minutes going--but again, how long is that going to take? Is that feasible? Or will it get in the way of uni, or my job if I ever get one?
I guess that does count as wanting to travel, just not in a typical way :P
Just not sure what to do. Will just have to look into things more and be prepared to put more effort in if I want to get anywhere. Until uni goes back, though, I don't see myself being invited anywhere or getting to perform. Gonna be flying the next few months solo.
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