This whole thing with the girl I asked out at the sleepover is still messing with me, or at least it started messing with me again tonight. With uni having started again, Violet hasn't been at the front of my mind, not often. I was correct in presuming that uni would distract me from thinking about her. But she's still up there. Even if she's in the back of my mind, she's still in my mind. It's starting to make me feel foolish and obsessive, even though I'm not really thinking about her anywhere near as often as I did after I got home from the sleepover.
The problem is that this whole situation is so ambivalent and unresolved. I sent Violet a friend request on Facebook, as I did with everyone else I met at the sleepover. Violet is one of only two out of six who haven't responded yet. At first, I was going back to her page every six hours or so to check if she'd seen the request, having learned that if she clicked Ignore, I'd only know if I went back to her page and saw "Add Friend" rather than "Friend Request Sent". Over time, it faded from memory, and eventually, I was only going back to her page every few days. Every time I went back, it still said "Friend Request Sent", and even though I could only see changes in her profile picture and her cover photo, there was no activity even there, so I believed she was just not on Facebook very often, hence not seeing the request. When I went back today, she'd changed her cover photo, meaning she's definitely logged on once since I sent the request. But it still says "Friend Request Sent", meaning that she either hasn't seen the request (even though she'd surely get an alert for it), or she has seen it and just didn't click anything.
While I know it'd hurt to have the request officially ignored, given the implications, it's hurting more to not even know if she's even seen it, or if she even cares. That's fucking with me. I don't like this, not at all. I want clarity and I'm getting none whatsoever. There are a million reasons she may not have accepted the request -- she may not have remembered who I am; she may not have recognised my profile picture/cover photo; she may have not seen the host of the sleepover as a mutual friend -- but I'm always inclined to assume the worst when it comes to these things.
I can understand the whole "you should just move on" thing, but that doesn't work unless you have something (or, in this case, someone) else to move onto. I've been attending uni for two years, and though it is true that I've been pretty socially isolated, I haven't even seen or heard of a girl like this at uni. And even if I do stand-up, the chances of me meeting a girl like this at the UniBar? Practically zero. Though it's true I could meet a girl at the UniBar (or anywhere else at uni) who could blow Violet out of the water in terms of attractiveness and potential compatibility, I haven't met such a girl yet, and until I do, Violet will not be leaving my mind. I know myself too well to deny this.
I don't even know how to describe my feelings for this girl with any word other than 'curiosity'. Though it's true I do like the thought of us being together as a couple, I believe this is because I just like to think of being with somebody, with Violet currently being that somebody. I like the idea of dating and having a girlfriend in general, so the thoughts I'm having now aren't too different than the ones I'd normally have, other than the fact that there's a specific person in the picture now. When it comes to thinking of Violet, what makes me happy more than anything is thinking about us getting to know each other. The thought of the two of us sitting down and just talking to each other. If I'm desperate for anything, it's an opportunity to get to get that knowledge, and for her to get the same knowledge about me. It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about her, not anymore; all that comes into my head is "Goddamnit, who are you? What do you do? What do you like?" The idea of getting to be all cutesy and cuddly with her is nice, but the idea of getting to learn about her is ten times more enticing.
I cannot get over the potential I'm seeing here, no matter how much of a façade it could be. Just like the others in the group, Violet and I have so many things in common with one another that I can see us having lots of fun hanging out together. I can see us playing games together, talking about games together, joking around with each other, watching movies and YouTube videos together. To think of giving up on all that seems like squandered potential. But there's no way for me to tell her all this without coming across as weird, obsessive, desperate, and everything else I never want to come across as to this girl.
I've sent a message to my friend who hosted the sleepover about meeting the group again. This isn't just so I can see Violet again -- the group is great to hang with and I'd be thrilled to see them again -- but if Violet happens to come along, I've gotta be calm and not do anything silly. As I've said before, I just wanna treat her like I do everyone else in the group, and get contact details off her if the opportunity presents itself. I can't ask for anymore than that, neither from Violet nor myself.
sigh
Friday, 14 March 2014
Monday, 3 March 2014
Preferences: Maybe That's Not Quite Where I Wanna Be
I've been anxious on-and-off for the past week over meeting the group I had the sleepover with. I want to see them again so badly, but I don't wanna try and organise something right away in case I come off as needy or something. But one cool thing that happened at the sleepover is that I discovered one way I can have lots of fun: I can play video games with friends all night long. I don't think I've ever really stayed up with friends to play Super Smash Bros. before, but when I was there last Saturday, mashing away at those buttons, time flew by. I was happy, I was making jokes, I was winning some rounds, losing other rounds, but it didn't matter--I was fucking happy. I was with people who were like me, people who liked to do the same things I like to do, and that made me experience a whole new level of social comfort.
But my regular group of friends isn't like that, really. I mean, sure, they like video games--I've invited them over to play games plenty of times, and they seem to enjoy it--but would any of them stay up to play/watch games all evening? One or two, maybe, but the others probably wouldn't, or at least wouldn't enjoy it as much as this other group did. I'm not trying to say I think less of my friends for this, cos I don't, but I've never had an experience like this before, and I wanna have it again.
And one of my other friends is, like, way off in terms of how she socialises. She's not a gamer, not really. She plays games (I recall her once telling me she beat one of the CoD games on Veteran, which is pretty cool), but she's not into it like I'm into it, no way. She's more into clubbing and stuff like that. And whenever I read about her going out, drinking, dancing, kissing guys, it makes me uncomfortable. It's not like I disagree with what she's doing--she can do whatever the fuck she wants--but part of me wants to like what she does, even though it's not really my kind of environment.
I've never really gone to a club before, and my desire to go has fluctuated. When I first turned 18, I had absolutely no interest in bars or clubs. I was even invited out twice during my first uni semester and I declined; not only would I have been unable to go due to a lack of ID, but I still didn't want to go. When I decided last year that I was gonna be more social and try more things, I became curious about what it'd be like to go to a club, and the idea of getting to mingle with chicks, and maybe kiss/go home with one, was appealing. Slowly but surely, I began to want to go. I was even annoyed when I couldn't go on my friend's 20th birthday (still no ID). I was irritated. I wanted to go out, but I couldn't. So I stayed curious, wondering what it'd be like to go inside, to be surrounded by people, to hear that music, for it to be OK (in theory) to approach girls and dance with them.
But when I went to that sleepover, I didn't think about any of that. I was just there, in the moment, having a shitload of fun--the same kind of "I don't want this to ever end" fun that my friend describes when she's clubbing. It made me rethink my position: maybe I don't want to go out like my friend does. It's not like I've felt as though I've been forcing myself to want to go out; the desire was legitimate. I just dunno if I want it anymore.
I think it makes me uncomfortable to read about my friend going out not because I'm not into the clubbing scene, but because the clubbing scene is an avenue to other things I would like, which, in this case, is meeting girls. I know full well I could never really meet a girl to be in a long-term relationship with at a club, and that's what I'd prefer in the long run, but I think it'd be so cool to meet a girl at a club and (somehow :P) successfully flirt with her. I like the idea of losing myself in such a situation, taking the girl home, the two of us kissing and groping and fucking each other, totally giving into temptation and having a wild night together. The idea of flirting with a girl at a club? Scares me shitless. The idea of getting to make out and have sex with a girl? Too much fun to even possibly dismiss. I guess I get envious of my friend putting her self in the position where that can happen to her and not me. But where else can that happen? Not at a sleepover full of nerdy introverts, I can tell ya that much :P
But it doesn't matter that it can't happen there, cos even better things can happen. Like, let's say I went to some other sleepover with some other group of people, and there was a chick there I clicked with. What if we were watching a movie, and we were on the couch, and we were under a blanket together, and we started playing with each other's feet and holding hands under the covers. Then we shuffled closer together and started rubbing each others' arms and legs, just gently touching each other. Then maybe we slide our hands under the other's clothing to touch what we couldn't touch before. Maybe we even play with each other's thingies, get each other off in secret. See that? Same fucking outcome. Maybe not quite as open and wild, and maybe not as likely to happen, either, but I still get to be intimate and sexual with a woman I've just met. It wouldn't have to happen exactly like that, but that's the kind of thing I mean: these social situations which bring me comfort can also provide opportunities to further my sex life, removing the 'need' to go to clubs. There are ways it can happen; I just need to find these methods (and the balls to actually explore them :P).
I might be comfortable at a club if I was with friends, but it would be because my friends were there, not because I was at a club. I also only really have one friend (maybe two) who even go to clubs, so I wouldn't be surrounded by friends so much as I'd have one link to the group which I'd be relying on for comfort. From what my clubbing-friend tells me, people usually go to clubs in groups, so this comfort can be somewhat relied upon; but if I want to meet girls through the experience, especially if I want to get up close and personal with them, I would have to distance myself from the group, flying solo to some extent.
I'm not totally ruling out the idea of going to a club; I'm just saying that it probably won't be a place I thrive in, and that this isn't an issue. It's not like I'd be going to drink, or to 'let loose' (whatever the fuck that is); the only reasons I'd be going to be to a) dance, and b) pick up. That's fucking it: the activity offers nothing else of any value to me whatsoever. And I can dance on my own in my room whenever I like, to music that I can tolerate, without being judged, all for free--so if the only thing I want out of clubbing is pussy, and I can find pussy via other means, clubbing is essentially a complete waste of my time and money.
What I have to accept on an emotional level is that this is perfectly OK! I understand on a logical level that I can have differing interests to my peers and my age bracket. But emotionally, I get annoyed when I don't conform cos it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. That's what irritates me: the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin just cos I like different activities. Thankfully, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with (like this new group), that all goes away, and I can thrive as myself without being overly self-conscious. I hope I can find more people who I can be like this around, and more activities to do with said people, because that will allow me to discover what makes me comfortable and seek out my own comfort independently.
I must also explore this idea of sexy nerd parties where we play games and watch movies while letting hormones run wild. That sounds hot as fuck. I gotta get that shit organised ASAP :P
But my regular group of friends isn't like that, really. I mean, sure, they like video games--I've invited them over to play games plenty of times, and they seem to enjoy it--but would any of them stay up to play/watch games all evening? One or two, maybe, but the others probably wouldn't, or at least wouldn't enjoy it as much as this other group did. I'm not trying to say I think less of my friends for this, cos I don't, but I've never had an experience like this before, and I wanna have it again.
And one of my other friends is, like, way off in terms of how she socialises. She's not a gamer, not really. She plays games (I recall her once telling me she beat one of the CoD games on Veteran, which is pretty cool), but she's not into it like I'm into it, no way. She's more into clubbing and stuff like that. And whenever I read about her going out, drinking, dancing, kissing guys, it makes me uncomfortable. It's not like I disagree with what she's doing--she can do whatever the fuck she wants--but part of me wants to like what she does, even though it's not really my kind of environment.
I've never really gone to a club before, and my desire to go has fluctuated. When I first turned 18, I had absolutely no interest in bars or clubs. I was even invited out twice during my first uni semester and I declined; not only would I have been unable to go due to a lack of ID, but I still didn't want to go. When I decided last year that I was gonna be more social and try more things, I became curious about what it'd be like to go to a club, and the idea of getting to mingle with chicks, and maybe kiss/go home with one, was appealing. Slowly but surely, I began to want to go. I was even annoyed when I couldn't go on my friend's 20th birthday (still no ID). I was irritated. I wanted to go out, but I couldn't. So I stayed curious, wondering what it'd be like to go inside, to be surrounded by people, to hear that music, for it to be OK (in theory) to approach girls and dance with them.
But when I went to that sleepover, I didn't think about any of that. I was just there, in the moment, having a shitload of fun--the same kind of "I don't want this to ever end" fun that my friend describes when she's clubbing. It made me rethink my position: maybe I don't want to go out like my friend does. It's not like I've felt as though I've been forcing myself to want to go out; the desire was legitimate. I just dunno if I want it anymore.
I think it makes me uncomfortable to read about my friend going out not because I'm not into the clubbing scene, but because the clubbing scene is an avenue to other things I would like, which, in this case, is meeting girls. I know full well I could never really meet a girl to be in a long-term relationship with at a club, and that's what I'd prefer in the long run, but I think it'd be so cool to meet a girl at a club and (somehow :P) successfully flirt with her. I like the idea of losing myself in such a situation, taking the girl home, the two of us kissing and groping and fucking each other, totally giving into temptation and having a wild night together. The idea of flirting with a girl at a club? Scares me shitless. The idea of getting to make out and have sex with a girl? Too much fun to even possibly dismiss. I guess I get envious of my friend putting her self in the position where that can happen to her and not me. But where else can that happen? Not at a sleepover full of nerdy introverts, I can tell ya that much :P
But it doesn't matter that it can't happen there, cos even better things can happen. Like, let's say I went to some other sleepover with some other group of people, and there was a chick there I clicked with. What if we were watching a movie, and we were on the couch, and we were under a blanket together, and we started playing with each other's feet and holding hands under the covers. Then we shuffled closer together and started rubbing each others' arms and legs, just gently touching each other. Then maybe we slide our hands under the other's clothing to touch what we couldn't touch before. Maybe we even play with each other's thingies, get each other off in secret. See that? Same fucking outcome. Maybe not quite as open and wild, and maybe not as likely to happen, either, but I still get to be intimate and sexual with a woman I've just met. It wouldn't have to happen exactly like that, but that's the kind of thing I mean: these social situations which bring me comfort can also provide opportunities to further my sex life, removing the 'need' to go to clubs. There are ways it can happen; I just need to find these methods (and the balls to actually explore them :P).
I might be comfortable at a club if I was with friends, but it would be because my friends were there, not because I was at a club. I also only really have one friend (maybe two) who even go to clubs, so I wouldn't be surrounded by friends so much as I'd have one link to the group which I'd be relying on for comfort. From what my clubbing-friend tells me, people usually go to clubs in groups, so this comfort can be somewhat relied upon; but if I want to meet girls through the experience, especially if I want to get up close and personal with them, I would have to distance myself from the group, flying solo to some extent.
I'm not totally ruling out the idea of going to a club; I'm just saying that it probably won't be a place I thrive in, and that this isn't an issue. It's not like I'd be going to drink, or to 'let loose' (whatever the fuck that is); the only reasons I'd be going to be to a) dance, and b) pick up. That's fucking it: the activity offers nothing else of any value to me whatsoever. And I can dance on my own in my room whenever I like, to music that I can tolerate, without being judged, all for free--so if the only thing I want out of clubbing is pussy, and I can find pussy via other means, clubbing is essentially a complete waste of my time and money.
What I have to accept on an emotional level is that this is perfectly OK! I understand on a logical level that I can have differing interests to my peers and my age bracket. But emotionally, I get annoyed when I don't conform cos it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. That's what irritates me: the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin just cos I like different activities. Thankfully, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with (like this new group), that all goes away, and I can thrive as myself without being overly self-conscious. I hope I can find more people who I can be like this around, and more activities to do with said people, because that will allow me to discover what makes me comfortable and seek out my own comfort independently.
I must also explore this idea of sexy nerd parties where we play games and watch movies while letting hormones run wild. That sounds hot as fuck. I gotta get that shit organised ASAP :P
Friday, 28 February 2014
yyyeeeaahhh no
Today, I rethought the situation with Violet. Though I do still want to take her out for coffee, after going over how I'd approach such an invitation, it occurred to me that no matter how I ask, it's gonna come off as desperate and needy. It doesn't matter how I phrase the invitation: the fact of the matter is, I'm asking Violet a question she has already answered. This is a bad idea.
I still do honestly think that if Violet and I learned more about each other, there'd be potential for something cool, whether it be dating, friendship, or whatever else. There are lots of similarities between us that she doesn't know about, and all kinds of stuff she doesn't know about me. But even if we were to meet up for coffee, such a connection wouldn't happen overnight, especially given the last thing I did was ask her out. That needs to die down first.
So here's my new plan, one I can hopefully settle on. As I've previously said, I can't do anything right now. I have to wait it out. I certainly can't get in touch with Violet, not just because I have no contact details, but because it'd be awkward if I spoke to her this soon after asking her out anyway. I can't talk to her friends about this either because they'll see it the exact same way. I can talk to the other people I met at the sleepover, sure, just not about this.
What I'm waiting for is another meet-up with the group. I don't care if it's another sleepover, or a trip to the movies, or a lunch/dinner thing—I don't give a shit, so long as I get to see the group. I want to see them again anyway, so it'll be fun regardless of whether or not Violet goes, but this plan will only help settle the situation if she is there. If she isn't there, I simply have to not mention her at all.
But if Violet is there, I have to simply treat her like everyone else: say "hey" to her like I do everyone else, joke with her like I do everyone else, ask questions I'd only ask the others. It must come across as though she is just another member of the group, to get across that there are no hard feelings and that we can still be friends, just like I wanna be friends with the others.
The next step is get contact details from her so I can chat with her freely, and invite her to things, as well as go to more things the group goes to. I can do this with multiple members of the group, in fact. I can then talk to her, and if we like talking to each other one-on-one, we can talk regularly. If we like talking regularly, maybe we can meet up in person sometimes. And if, at any point, there's romantic interest on her part, I should be able to pick up on it and go from there. If not, we can just be friends.
Sometimes, I imagine Violet and I being together, just going on dates, holding each other, having long conversations with each other and stuff. Sometimes I imagine her as a friend who I've invited over to play Super Smash Bros. and Pokemon Stadium with. Both those dreams make me feel good. But then I think about the idea of her never being comfortable around me, or never getting to see her again (or any of the group), and it really hurts. I hate the idea of never seeing these people again; it fucking kills me. They were all so fun to be around. I wish I was around them right now, to be honest, Violet or no Violet. Being around them would make me feel less tense—not only would I get to hang with people who accept me, but I'd get to develop my friendships with them. I haven't met new friends in so long that I'm concerned about letting this opportunity slip, or not being vigilant enough and missing a meet-up by failing to ask what they're up to. A lot of this tension has little to do with Violet, in a way; it's about the bigger picture, one that involves the whole group and my part in it (or if I even have a part in it).
I also feel like time is going by really fast. Like, it's been a week since I met Violet. A whole week? It went by that quickly? I know the three days I spent with the group went by fast, but Jesus Christ... it was a whole fucking week ago. I've hardly even done anything in the past five days! Man, I feel like my head is spinning out of control cos of that. It's like if I blink, I'll miss something important.
But yeah, for now, I really wanna see them again. I wanna see the whole group. Seeing Violet on her own would be pretty awkward; in a way, I really only wanna see her with the others. But I do hope she's there the next time, so I can see her, so I can see she's comfortable around me and know that we can have fun together in the future. I'm nervous because there's nothing planned for the group at the moment (certainly nothing I know anything about), but they did speak about having another sleepover soon. I hope I can get an invite to that. I think I'll get a huge sense of relief, and something really cool to look forward to, if I get invited to another meet-up with them.
Uni starts next week, so that should take my mind off this. I may even meet more new people—who knows? I'm also looking to get a job on one/both of my two days off, which should help as a distraction and as a source of income, which I need right now. But at the moment, I'm tense, and still in over my head. I've been talking to a friend whenever I need to vent, and she's been really helpful in that respect, but I don't wanna burden her too much, and I also want this to just not be a thing I have to vent about in the first place. For now, there's nothing much I can do, but I think about a week from now, I'll ask the host of the sleepover if the group has any plans, just to see if anything's in the air. Hell, maybe I could organise something! Organise a trip to Sydney, go to Timezone or something, that could be fun.
Hoping I'll be comfortable once again soon.
I still do honestly think that if Violet and I learned more about each other, there'd be potential for something cool, whether it be dating, friendship, or whatever else. There are lots of similarities between us that she doesn't know about, and all kinds of stuff she doesn't know about me. But even if we were to meet up for coffee, such a connection wouldn't happen overnight, especially given the last thing I did was ask her out. That needs to die down first.
So here's my new plan, one I can hopefully settle on. As I've previously said, I can't do anything right now. I have to wait it out. I certainly can't get in touch with Violet, not just because I have no contact details, but because it'd be awkward if I spoke to her this soon after asking her out anyway. I can't talk to her friends about this either because they'll see it the exact same way. I can talk to the other people I met at the sleepover, sure, just not about this.
What I'm waiting for is another meet-up with the group. I don't care if it's another sleepover, or a trip to the movies, or a lunch/dinner thing—I don't give a shit, so long as I get to see the group. I want to see them again anyway, so it'll be fun regardless of whether or not Violet goes, but this plan will only help settle the situation if she is there. If she isn't there, I simply have to not mention her at all.
But if Violet is there, I have to simply treat her like everyone else: say "hey" to her like I do everyone else, joke with her like I do everyone else, ask questions I'd only ask the others. It must come across as though she is just another member of the group, to get across that there are no hard feelings and that we can still be friends, just like I wanna be friends with the others.
The next step is get contact details from her so I can chat with her freely, and invite her to things, as well as go to more things the group goes to. I can do this with multiple members of the group, in fact. I can then talk to her, and if we like talking to each other one-on-one, we can talk regularly. If we like talking regularly, maybe we can meet up in person sometimes. And if, at any point, there's romantic interest on her part, I should be able to pick up on it and go from there. If not, we can just be friends.
Sometimes, I imagine Violet and I being together, just going on dates, holding each other, having long conversations with each other and stuff. Sometimes I imagine her as a friend who I've invited over to play Super Smash Bros. and Pokemon Stadium with. Both those dreams make me feel good. But then I think about the idea of her never being comfortable around me, or never getting to see her again (or any of the group), and it really hurts. I hate the idea of never seeing these people again; it fucking kills me. They were all so fun to be around. I wish I was around them right now, to be honest, Violet or no Violet. Being around them would make me feel less tense—not only would I get to hang with people who accept me, but I'd get to develop my friendships with them. I haven't met new friends in so long that I'm concerned about letting this opportunity slip, or not being vigilant enough and missing a meet-up by failing to ask what they're up to. A lot of this tension has little to do with Violet, in a way; it's about the bigger picture, one that involves the whole group and my part in it (or if I even have a part in it).
I also feel like time is going by really fast. Like, it's been a week since I met Violet. A whole week? It went by that quickly? I know the three days I spent with the group went by fast, but Jesus Christ... it was a whole fucking week ago. I've hardly even done anything in the past five days! Man, I feel like my head is spinning out of control cos of that. It's like if I blink, I'll miss something important.
But yeah, for now, I really wanna see them again. I wanna see the whole group. Seeing Violet on her own would be pretty awkward; in a way, I really only wanna see her with the others. But I do hope she's there the next time, so I can see her, so I can see she's comfortable around me and know that we can have fun together in the future. I'm nervous because there's nothing planned for the group at the moment (certainly nothing I know anything about), but they did speak about having another sleepover soon. I hope I can get an invite to that. I think I'll get a huge sense of relief, and something really cool to look forward to, if I get invited to another meet-up with them.
Uni starts next week, so that should take my mind off this. I may even meet more new people—who knows? I'm also looking to get a job on one/both of my two days off, which should help as a distraction and as a source of income, which I need right now. But at the moment, I'm tense, and still in over my head. I've been talking to a friend whenever I need to vent, and she's been really helpful in that respect, but I don't wanna burden her too much, and I also want this to just not be a thing I have to vent about in the first place. For now, there's nothing much I can do, but I think about a week from now, I'll ask the host of the sleepover if the group has any plans, just to see if anything's in the air. Hell, maybe I could organise something! Organise a trip to Sydney, go to Timezone or something, that could be fun.
Hoping I'll be comfortable once again soon.
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
Heartbreak
I'm hurting right now. I don't know how much of it is my fault and how much is just bad luck, but I've been tense all day. This stuff relates to a sleepover I went to that went from Friday to Sunday, and I wanted to post the story of that first, but I suppose I'll just skip to the moneyshot so I can get this out of my system (even though I've spoken to a friend and it's still there...). For the record, the sleepover was fucking awesome, and I met eight amazing people who I had an insane amount of fun with. Though I made some mistakes along the way, I don't regret going at all.
So when I went for the sleepover, the other guests were all from the host's college; I, on the other hand, was from the host's high school, so they were all strangers to me. There was one girl there who, for the sake of this entry, I shall refer to as 'Violet'. For some reason, I thought she reminded me of Violet from The Incredibles—in retrospect, I don't actually see much resemblance. Her hair seems be based off Suzie's grump-face (which looks like this), but I'll call her Violet anyway.
Violet was one of the last to arrive on the Friday, and when I saw her, I thought she was really cute. She had black hair with a blonde highlight on the front, with a beautiful smile, and a thin build. As the night went on, I started crushing on her really hard. I loved her laugh, I learned she likes the same YouTube channels I do, and that she's a gamer, big time. Not being able to contain my feelings, I told a friend in private that I liked her, but she walked past the room we were in while we were talking, so I was somewhat afraid she'd overheard what I said. After a mostly-fantastic two nights, on the Sunday, I actually managed to ask her out.
Here is what happened, verbatim, to the best of my recollection:
In telling friends about what I did, they both said "well, if she said 'I just got out of a relationship', maybe she meant she isn't ready for a date right now, but may be willing in the future". I was like "...what? I thought it was just a copout", because I was sure she just wanted to reject me without hurting my feelings. I don't think she was lying about just getting out of a relationship, but I was pretty sure she only said it to avoid rejecting me on a personal basis, just to not make me feel bad. I've never been fed this line before, but it wasn't hard to decode, and my Google-fu confirmed my suspicions regarding the true meaning of what she said.
The thing is, as soon as my friends suggested that it might not mean that, I began to regain hope of getting to ask Violet out, thinking that if I waited until the next time we met, if the conditions were right, I could try again. Hope started to return to me.
Today, I felt the opposite: the hope started to run away from me. I told my mum the story of what happened (she was sick so I couldn't tell her as soon as I got home), and she also told me it was probably a copout. She admitted this could be wrong, but that it probably wasn't. She also said that because I asked Violet out in front of her friends, she was more likely to use a copout so she didn't come across as a jerk in front of them.
The words she used weren't the only problem, though—I also started to regret how I phrased my invitation. When I was there, I remembered quite common advice I found in r/seduction and r/socialskills which said you should be assertive and specific when asking girls out. Like, you should make the offer in the imperative ("Let's go out!") rather than as a question ("Would you like to go out?"); and you should make the date for a specific activity, place, date, and time rather than leaving it open. Both these things supposedly make you come across as more confident and leave less decisions that need to be made by the person you're asking out. This is something people subconsciously like, apparently. Rejection can still occur; you're just more likely to get a 'yes', I suppose.
I knew I couldn't make it for a specific place because Violet lives in Sydney and I don't, so I'd have to organise that with her later on, because I wanted to travel up there to save her the hassle. I'd have been happy to ride the train for two hours up and two back to meet up with her, absolutely. I also knew the date/time could be a problem for the same reason. But I did want to offer a specific activity: meeting for coffee. Casual, cheap, allows us to talk and get to know each other—the perfect activity. The problem is that I only said "I don't know if you're interested" and stopped there, rather than saying "I don't know if you're interested in meeting up for coffee sometime", or, better yet, "Would you like to meet up for coffee sometime?" For all I know, she thought I meant "I don't know if you're interested in being in a relationship", which is way too forward.
I'm anxious because I don't know why I was rejected. It could be any combination of a) the fact Violet just got out of a relationship, b) the fact I worded my invitation wrong, and c) Violet just not really being into me at all. If it's Option A, that's my bad luck, but if I'm patient, I might be able to ask later and see if she's open then. If it's Option C, then there's nothing I can really do about that. But if it's Option B, I'm going to be really irritated. If I learned she didn't want to go out with me simply because I chose the wrong fucking words... goddamn it.
I don't know if I'm crushing on Violet anymore, but a huge part of me still wants to meet with her for coffee, cos I wanna get to know more about her. We didn't talk too much at the sleepover, certainly not mono-a-mono, but with what I know about her from listening to her at the sleepover, I know we have a lot in common. There are lots of things we both like that she doesn't know I like, and there are lots of things she doesn't know about me full stop (like I never mentioned to anyone in the group that I do stand-up), so maybe if she's aware of those things, we can become closer.
For now, I can't really do anything other than distract myself. I'm still kinda hurting, but that comes with the territory. I've sent Violet a friend request on Facebook (same for everyone who went), but she hasn't accepted hers yet (though everyone else has). I don't believe she's on Facebook often, but hopefully, next time she's on, she accepts the request—it's the only communication avenue I'm going to have. Having her accept it will also make me feel a little less tense, like it's a sign she's cool with being friends.
But I have a plan. I still wanna meet with Violet, which I think I can do: it just can't be a 'date'. I don't even want it to be a date: I just wanna chat to her, hang out, have fun. So, I'll give it some time, and if I can get in touch with her (hopefully not through Facebook, cos she'll never respond), I'll ask to meet up with her for coffee where she lives. In constructing my invite, I'll have to be very very clear that it's not a date and that I just wanna meet up cos I think it'd be fun. My mum suggested I do it on a day where I take a friend to Sydney for other things: this could be a good idea. I'd be asking Violet if she wants to meet up when I'm already in Sydney, rather than me travelling to Sydney specifically to meet with her, which could come off as a bit extreme. The friend I'll go with has similar interests to Violet, too; and she's a girl, so it'll be more comfortable for Violet.
The way I see this working is as follows: if Violet isn't interested in anything romantic, which I predict, then we can just hang out, chat, learn about each other, and maybe it'll be the start of a friendship. If, for whatever reason, she is open to more than friendship, it will come across when we meet up, and we can explore that if it goes in that direction. Either way, I'll get to see her again, I'll get to learn more about who she is, and she'll get to learn about me.
To be honest, I wanna see the whole group again, too, because I had a fantastic time with them. They were so kind, so accepting, and so funny to be around. But ironically, though I crushed on her, Violet is the one I know the least about. I'm just curious about her, you know? As far away as she is, and as disconnected as we currently are, I'm still game to meet her. I know I've got my whole life ahead of me, and there are heaps of women out there, but given how close we are in terms of similarities, I don't see myself meeting a girl like Violet for a while. So I should make the most of it, even if we're just friends. Maybe I could become closer to the whole group and become really integrated—that would make me really happy.
I hate the tension, though. I'm so uncomfortable that I wish I was with the group again just so I could be comfortable once more, because I felt so free around them, like I could joke around and be myself. I'm so glad to have met them; I think I'd feel ten times worse if I was told I'd never see any of them again. But Violet is still special to me. I hope we can at least be friends.
So when I went for the sleepover, the other guests were all from the host's college; I, on the other hand, was from the host's high school, so they were all strangers to me. There was one girl there who, for the sake of this entry, I shall refer to as 'Violet'. For some reason, I thought she reminded me of Violet from The Incredibles—in retrospect, I don't actually see much resemblance. Her hair seems be based off Suzie's grump-face (which looks like this), but I'll call her Violet anyway.
Violet was one of the last to arrive on the Friday, and when I saw her, I thought she was really cute. She had black hair with a blonde highlight on the front, with a beautiful smile, and a thin build. As the night went on, I started crushing on her really hard. I loved her laugh, I learned she likes the same YouTube channels I do, and that she's a gamer, big time. Not being able to contain my feelings, I told a friend in private that I liked her, but she walked past the room we were in while we were talking, so I was somewhat afraid she'd overheard what I said. After a mostly-fantastic two nights, on the Sunday, I actually managed to ask her out.
Here is what happened, verbatim, to the best of my recollection:
Violet is due to leave in a few minutes. She and a few others head towards the door.
"Hey, Violet, could we talk for a minute?"
"Yeah, sure!"
Violet comes to me, but we don't go anywhere private; all the other guests are standing nearby.
"Uh, did you happen to overhear the conversation [the host] and I were having on Friday in the other room?"
"No, I didn't hear anything"
"Oh. Well, uh, we were talking about how I like you."
Violet smiles and laughs
"I was worried that you overheard the conversation and that I might have offended you or something"
I'm not sure what Violet said here, if anything, or even if she heard that last line.
"I don't know if you're interested, or..."
At first, I took "I just got out of a relationship" to mean 'no', but I was still stoked I pulled it off given I haven't asked a girl out since my ex, and that was three-and-a-half years ago. I came home feeling triumphant: I didn't get the answer I wanted, but I more-or-less expected a 'no' anyway (because I thought she already knew due to hearing that conversation I mentioned earlier), so I wasn't torn over the rejection. I just revelled in the fact that I managed to conquer my fear of asking a girl out, if only once.
"Well, I'm very flattered, but I just got out of a relationship, so..."
"Oh, that's not a problem then, no worries. So long as everything's cool between us, cos you guys [the whole group] are super cool and I'd love to hang with you again, so yeah."
"It was nice to meet you too!"
Violet holds her hand out and we shake hands.
In telling friends about what I did, they both said "well, if she said 'I just got out of a relationship', maybe she meant she isn't ready for a date right now, but may be willing in the future". I was like "...what? I thought it was just a copout", because I was sure she just wanted to reject me without hurting my feelings. I don't think she was lying about just getting out of a relationship, but I was pretty sure she only said it to avoid rejecting me on a personal basis, just to not make me feel bad. I've never been fed this line before, but it wasn't hard to decode, and my Google-fu confirmed my suspicions regarding the true meaning of what she said.
The thing is, as soon as my friends suggested that it might not mean that, I began to regain hope of getting to ask Violet out, thinking that if I waited until the next time we met, if the conditions were right, I could try again. Hope started to return to me.
Today, I felt the opposite: the hope started to run away from me. I told my mum the story of what happened (she was sick so I couldn't tell her as soon as I got home), and she also told me it was probably a copout. She admitted this could be wrong, but that it probably wasn't. She also said that because I asked Violet out in front of her friends, she was more likely to use a copout so she didn't come across as a jerk in front of them.
The words she used weren't the only problem, though—I also started to regret how I phrased my invitation. When I was there, I remembered quite common advice I found in r/seduction and r/socialskills which said you should be assertive and specific when asking girls out. Like, you should make the offer in the imperative ("Let's go out!") rather than as a question ("Would you like to go out?"); and you should make the date for a specific activity, place, date, and time rather than leaving it open. Both these things supposedly make you come across as more confident and leave less decisions that need to be made by the person you're asking out. This is something people subconsciously like, apparently. Rejection can still occur; you're just more likely to get a 'yes', I suppose.
I knew I couldn't make it for a specific place because Violet lives in Sydney and I don't, so I'd have to organise that with her later on, because I wanted to travel up there to save her the hassle. I'd have been happy to ride the train for two hours up and two back to meet up with her, absolutely. I also knew the date/time could be a problem for the same reason. But I did want to offer a specific activity: meeting for coffee. Casual, cheap, allows us to talk and get to know each other—the perfect activity. The problem is that I only said "I don't know if you're interested" and stopped there, rather than saying "I don't know if you're interested in meeting up for coffee sometime", or, better yet, "Would you like to meet up for coffee sometime?" For all I know, she thought I meant "I don't know if you're interested in being in a relationship", which is way too forward.
I'm anxious because I don't know why I was rejected. It could be any combination of a) the fact Violet just got out of a relationship, b) the fact I worded my invitation wrong, and c) Violet just not really being into me at all. If it's Option A, that's my bad luck, but if I'm patient, I might be able to ask later and see if she's open then. If it's Option C, then there's nothing I can really do about that. But if it's Option B, I'm going to be really irritated. If I learned she didn't want to go out with me simply because I chose the wrong fucking words... goddamn it.
I don't know if I'm crushing on Violet anymore, but a huge part of me still wants to meet with her for coffee, cos I wanna get to know more about her. We didn't talk too much at the sleepover, certainly not mono-a-mono, but with what I know about her from listening to her at the sleepover, I know we have a lot in common. There are lots of things we both like that she doesn't know I like, and there are lots of things she doesn't know about me full stop (like I never mentioned to anyone in the group that I do stand-up), so maybe if she's aware of those things, we can become closer.
For now, I can't really do anything other than distract myself. I'm still kinda hurting, but that comes with the territory. I've sent Violet a friend request on Facebook (same for everyone who went), but she hasn't accepted hers yet (though everyone else has). I don't believe she's on Facebook often, but hopefully, next time she's on, she accepts the request—it's the only communication avenue I'm going to have. Having her accept it will also make me feel a little less tense, like it's a sign she's cool with being friends.
But I have a plan. I still wanna meet with Violet, which I think I can do: it just can't be a 'date'. I don't even want it to be a date: I just wanna chat to her, hang out, have fun. So, I'll give it some time, and if I can get in touch with her (hopefully not through Facebook, cos she'll never respond), I'll ask to meet up with her for coffee where she lives. In constructing my invite, I'll have to be very very clear that it's not a date and that I just wanna meet up cos I think it'd be fun. My mum suggested I do it on a day where I take a friend to Sydney for other things: this could be a good idea. I'd be asking Violet if she wants to meet up when I'm already in Sydney, rather than me travelling to Sydney specifically to meet with her, which could come off as a bit extreme. The friend I'll go with has similar interests to Violet, too; and she's a girl, so it'll be more comfortable for Violet.
The way I see this working is as follows: if Violet isn't interested in anything romantic, which I predict, then we can just hang out, chat, learn about each other, and maybe it'll be the start of a friendship. If, for whatever reason, she is open to more than friendship, it will come across when we meet up, and we can explore that if it goes in that direction. Either way, I'll get to see her again, I'll get to learn more about who she is, and she'll get to learn about me.
To be honest, I wanna see the whole group again, too, because I had a fantastic time with them. They were so kind, so accepting, and so funny to be around. But ironically, though I crushed on her, Violet is the one I know the least about. I'm just curious about her, you know? As far away as she is, and as disconnected as we currently are, I'm still game to meet her. I know I've got my whole life ahead of me, and there are heaps of women out there, but given how close we are in terms of similarities, I don't see myself meeting a girl like Violet for a while. So I should make the most of it, even if we're just friends. Maybe I could become closer to the whole group and become really integrated—that would make me really happy.
I hate the tension, though. I'm so uncomfortable that I wish I was with the group again just so I could be comfortable once more, because I felt so free around them, like I could joke around and be myself. I'm so glad to have met them; I think I'd feel ten times worse if I was told I'd never see any of them again. But Violet is still special to me. I hope we can at least be friends.
Saturday, 22 February 2014
Surprise Motherfucker!
So I'm staying at a friend's place for 2 nights with 8 of his college buddies right now. I can't update as I go along as I only have internet access through this iPad, which I have to share with everyone. In one respect, I am having an amazing time. His friends are fucking kickass people: they're funny, they're accepting, they're like me in terms of their interests, and I can make them laugh. I really hope I get to see these people again; they are so much fun to hang with. It sucks they all live out of town.
The other respect has turned my life upside down, and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that. There's a girl here (1 of 3), and as soon as she walked in, I was like ":O ... :D". She's so fucking cute. She has the prettiest smile I've ever seen. And I love it when she laughs. And I love it when I make her laugh. We played Card Against Humanity last night, and every time I made her laugh, I felt so happy. I know it's just a crush and I'm in over my head, but I don't care. I haven't felt this way in years.
The problem is with how I tried to deal with the emotions. After the CAH game, I was reaching breaking point. Infatuation fluids were seeping out the walls, flooding the floor, children were slipping over—it was madness up there. There was a friend I wanted to talk to, someone I always vent to about these things, but I didn't know if I could get it all out via SMS. I opted instead to talk to the host of the sleepover, seeing as he was the only one these who'd known me for any more than a few hours. I asked him if I could talk to him in private, and we did. I asked if the girl was single, but he didn't know—he didn't even know if she was straight. Upon confessing that I liked her, he panicked, fearing this would fuck up the gathering. It's in his nature to react poorly to stressful situations, and I got where he was coming from, so if felt bad for messing with his peace of mind, but I was so goddamn attracted to this girl that I couldn't hold it in.
Worst part? The girl popped her head around the corner while we were talking about her. I dunno if she heard anything, how long she was there for, or if she had any clue what we were doing, but she definitely knew it was a private convo cos she turned around and left. I pointed out that she saw us and my friend panicked again. He suggested I leave this until the stay is over, and I agreed. I texted my regular vent-friend, and she suggested the same thing.
It was a sleepless night. I slept for maybe 30 minutes. I couldn't stop thinking about what I did, and how much I like this girl. I spent 2 hours slowly venting into a word document on my phone, desperately trying not to wake anyone with the light of the screen. I was so nervous. I really hope she doesn't know, but she's so quiet with me that I honesty can't tell. I dunno if she heard it and doesn't want anything to do with me, or if she heard and she's indifferent, or if she didn't hear and she's just really shy with strangers. Each scenario makes sense with what little data I have. I don't wanna ruin the trip cos of my feelings for, or actions towards, the girl either. I just wanna have as much fun today and tomorrow as I did on Friday, cos it was seriously an epic night. But I still wanna ask her out.
I don't wanna get my hopes up either, but we seem so similar! We like the same things, we have a similar sense of humour... she's just awesome. I know one thing, though: if I don't ask her out, I'll regret it forever. I don't even have any sexual desire here: I honestly just want to take her out for coffee and learn more about her. She lives in Sydney, which is another issue, but I don't give a flying fuck: I wanna see her again. I'll buy the goddamn train tickets, I'll wait the two fucking hours: it will be worth it. But I have to be ready for a 'no', too. For all I know, she isn't even into guys, so I'm really in the dark with this shit.
So yeah: tomorrow, I will be asking a girl out. I will be asking a girl out for the first time in three-and-a-half years. I'm asking this fucking person out. I may never see them again; I may become their friend; I may date them once, or for a little while, or for a long while. But goddamn it, right now I just want some clarity, a fucking answer. I don't know if I've ever wanted an answer from a crush this fast—usually I like to keep the feelings, to savour them for a while—but I can't fuck around this time. Everything's up in their air and time is not on my side.
Freakin' oooouuuttttt!
The other respect has turned my life upside down, and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that. There's a girl here (1 of 3), and as soon as she walked in, I was like ":O ... :D". She's so fucking cute. She has the prettiest smile I've ever seen. And I love it when she laughs. And I love it when I make her laugh. We played Card Against Humanity last night, and every time I made her laugh, I felt so happy. I know it's just a crush and I'm in over my head, but I don't care. I haven't felt this way in years.
The problem is with how I tried to deal with the emotions. After the CAH game, I was reaching breaking point. Infatuation fluids were seeping out the walls, flooding the floor, children were slipping over—it was madness up there. There was a friend I wanted to talk to, someone I always vent to about these things, but I didn't know if I could get it all out via SMS. I opted instead to talk to the host of the sleepover, seeing as he was the only one these who'd known me for any more than a few hours. I asked him if I could talk to him in private, and we did. I asked if the girl was single, but he didn't know—he didn't even know if she was straight. Upon confessing that I liked her, he panicked, fearing this would fuck up the gathering. It's in his nature to react poorly to stressful situations, and I got where he was coming from, so if felt bad for messing with his peace of mind, but I was so goddamn attracted to this girl that I couldn't hold it in.
Worst part? The girl popped her head around the corner while we were talking about her. I dunno if she heard anything, how long she was there for, or if she had any clue what we were doing, but she definitely knew it was a private convo cos she turned around and left. I pointed out that she saw us and my friend panicked again. He suggested I leave this until the stay is over, and I agreed. I texted my regular vent-friend, and she suggested the same thing.
It was a sleepless night. I slept for maybe 30 minutes. I couldn't stop thinking about what I did, and how much I like this girl. I spent 2 hours slowly venting into a word document on my phone, desperately trying not to wake anyone with the light of the screen. I was so nervous. I really hope she doesn't know, but she's so quiet with me that I honesty can't tell. I dunno if she heard it and doesn't want anything to do with me, or if she heard and she's indifferent, or if she didn't hear and she's just really shy with strangers. Each scenario makes sense with what little data I have. I don't wanna ruin the trip cos of my feelings for, or actions towards, the girl either. I just wanna have as much fun today and tomorrow as I did on Friday, cos it was seriously an epic night. But I still wanna ask her out.
I don't wanna get my hopes up either, but we seem so similar! We like the same things, we have a similar sense of humour... she's just awesome. I know one thing, though: if I don't ask her out, I'll regret it forever. I don't even have any sexual desire here: I honestly just want to take her out for coffee and learn more about her. She lives in Sydney, which is another issue, but I don't give a flying fuck: I wanna see her again. I'll buy the goddamn train tickets, I'll wait the two fucking hours: it will be worth it. But I have to be ready for a 'no', too. For all I know, she isn't even into guys, so I'm really in the dark with this shit.
So yeah: tomorrow, I will be asking a girl out. I will be asking a girl out for the first time in three-and-a-half years. I'm asking this fucking person out. I may never see them again; I may become their friend; I may date them once, or for a little while, or for a long while. But goddamn it, right now I just want some clarity, a fucking answer. I don't know if I've ever wanted an answer from a crush this fast—usually I like to keep the feelings, to savour them for a while—but I can't fuck around this time. Everything's up in their air and time is not on my side.
Freakin' oooouuuttttt!
Sunday, 16 February 2014
21st: :S
So I went to the 21st party I've mentioned a few times on here. Before I left, I started this post as follows, hoping to finish it up when I got home:
I would have just left it like that, but that title would now be misleading. I didn't have a very good time at all. Lots of things happened that evening—my head was all over the place, especially towards the end—but few of them were any fun.
I went to the party with a positive mindset, as the photo should demonstrate. I wanted to go to this thing; I'd been looking forward to it for ages. "Finally, a chance to meet new people! I should take advantage and meet as many people as I can." I was greeted by the guy whose birthday it was, and I wished him a happy birthday. So far, so good. I walked into the house and sat on the lounge with my mum. I wanted to go outside and sit with the birthday boy's friends, but my nerves quickly started to act up. How would I introduce myself? How would I join the conversation? I didn't know, so I wasn't prepared to move.
More of the guy's friends came, and I eventually said "fuck it" and went outside. I was introduced to the group as a whole, and left to my own devices. The birthday-boy told me "just talk to 'em; they won't bite." Why do people say this? It's non-advice. It's like telling someone who's choking to "just breathe! That'll help :)". No shit I need to talk to them—how do I talk to them? What do I talk to them about? I need logistics here, man.
And that's where I failed: I had no clue what to say to the people I was seated near. I tried to listen to what they were saying, but I had absoultely no idea what they were on about. They seemed to be sharing personal anecdotes, things I had no chance of relating to. There was a second partition of people across from me talking about other things, and I wondered if I'd have more luck with them, but there were no free seats over there, so I couldn't relocate. After about 10 minutes of trying to bear the unrelateable stories being discussed, I couldn't stand it anymore and pulled my phone out. I would normally feel guilty for recluding into my shell like that, but at this point, it was either 'look busy on my phone' or 'look totally awkward and excluded'. So I sat there playing Super Mario Bros. 3 for a bit, while the people around me conversed.
At some point, a girl behind me said "Is that a Mario app on your phone?" I was like "yeah, it's an app that lets you play old games." She asked what the app was, where I got it from, how to get the games, etc., and I tried to explain to the best of my ability. She seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing, if only for a short while before someone else got her attention. No one is allowed to tell me that playing games on my phone is counter-productive ever again :P I wondered if I should have asked the girl questions, like if she was interested in old games, if she liked other Mario games, or something, but I she started talking to someone else so fast that I didn't have time to think of that. That was also the only conversation I really had before cake was served—in between the girl and the cake, I hardly lifted my head, bouncing from Super Mario Bros. to Minesweeper to Mario Kart 64. I was bored, but I wasn't sad: the party was far from over.
Eventually, it was cake time. I was given the duty of photographer, so I took pictures of the speeches and the cake, which was easy enough. After that, I was told to take pictures of the rest of the party, of the birthday-boy's friends. I was nervous at the very thought of having to ask people I didn't know to have their picture taken, but I also knew I couldn't really just walk around taking random pictures cos that would look weird and creepy, not to mention the pictures wouldn't be very good. I went up to the other group of people, the ones who were across from me before cake was served, figuring I'd have more luck there. I stood there with the camera in my hand, just looking at it, going "what the fuck am I supposed to do? They're all talking! I can't interrupt them: that's rude." I seriously cannot shake the idea that stopping a conversation, even for 10 seconds, isn't appropriate. I don't know why—I know if I was interrupted, especially if only for 10 seconds, I wouldn't give a shit—but I can't bring myself to do it, especially when I don't know the people I'm going to interrupt. I can even picture myself doing it, but actually doing it is just impossible. Friends? Sure, I can interrupt them, even if I mull over it in my head for a while. But strangers? Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
I did have some luck in the new spot, though, though. Birthday-boy's girlfriend saw me standing around and decided to talk to me, which was nice. We talked about what we studied, where we worked (or where she worked and how I was looking for work), what we did in our spare time... you know, things that I can actually talk about! But that five-minute talk was the only conversation I managed to engage in; I spent the rest of the time either trying to listen to and understand what the others were talking about, or playing Sudoku on my phone, gradually growing more impatient, uncomfortable, and inadequate. After about half an hour, I couldn't take it anymore, and went inside to sit by myself.
I pulled out my phone again to try and write my feelings down, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was on the verge of crying, but managed to merely sulk. I sat there, thinking about all the things I said I wanted to do—meet people, make a friend or two, flirt with a girl, etc.—and felt awful realising how short of achieving my goals I had fallen. I wanted a friend to talk to, someone my age who'd hold my hand and listen, but there was no one to fill that gap. I would have texted a friend of mine, but I didn't know if she was at work or not, so I didn't risk it. It could also have blown through my credit, and I don't have the money to waste replenishing it when I have free avenues of communication. This is one of the few times having data on my phone would actually have been useful :P
In many ways, I was envious of the people around me. They were all the same in most respects: they all knew each other, they all drank, they all had cool stories, and they were all confident. There were no exceptions, not one: every single person my age who was there, bar me, had each of those qualities. I know it's not a good idea to compare one's personality to that of others in a hierarchical fashion—in terms of who's 'better' and who's 'worse'—but I couldn't fight it given the overwhelming relevance of the differences, because they were the things preventing me from joining in. If I knew these people, I'd have no problems talking to them. If I drank, I could drink with them and be relaxed. If I had cool stories (cool to them, I mean), I'd feel like I had something worth saying. And if I was confident, none of this nonsense would be happening to me at all. I was even told by the girl who walked up to me and spoke to me to me that I didn't look my age. That kinda sealed the deal for me: not to rehash phrases from Advanced English, but I simply did not belong there. I didn't look like I belonged there, I didn't feel like I belonged there, and I couldn't act like I belonged there. So I got out of there.
My mum saw me sitting alone and tried to talk to me about it. She was drunk, though, so she was talking all kinds of nonsense. Her concern was genuine, but the conversation was depressing as fuck, so it didn't really help much. The mother of the birthday boy (who's close friends with my mum) more-or-less did the same thing, talking about why social things were so hard for me, though she was a little less drunk and a little more rational. They were talking to me for so long that I eventually just wanted to go home and sleep. Once I got home, I immediately curled up into bed. I cried a little, but was too tired to do it for very long.
This morning, I woke up and tried to process everything that happened. The usual feelings of wanting to just give up on this crap and 'turn off' social/romantic desires came around, but I managed to subdue those feelings fairly quickly.
In venting to the friend I mentioned earlier, I managed to realise that, like most social things, this was a learning experience. It was a fucking awful learning experience, but it was still a learning experience. What did I learn? Sometimes, the people you're hanging with simply aren't for you. I was a round peg in a square hole. That, and I evidently don't do well when absolutely everyone is a stranger, and my one connection to the party isn't that strong a connection to begin with. My goals ended up being way out of reach due to circumstances I could not foresee. Now that I know that there may be situations in which I simply can't work too well, I can lower my goals based on the presence of such conditions in the future.
It's not as if I don't like parties like this: I went to a birthday party not two months ago which was similar in terms of the number of people present, but I had no problem fitting in because I knew people. There were strangers, too, but there were only a few of them, so it was easy to deal with. I did great at that party: I felt good and didn't feel like I was irritating, obnoxious, worthless, or anything like that. I don't even think it would have mattered if alcohol was present, because I still would have known the people who would've been drinking, and there would have been at least a few people who weren't drinking. But this particular party was totally different in terms of its demographic, so it doesn't make sense for it to work out the same way.
In retrospect, I believe body language may have been a contributing factor too. When I'm out and about, I'm not too aware of how discontent I usually look; but one look in the mirror makes it quite clear. I'm basically one level below what I think I am—if I think I'm neutral, I look ticked off; and if I think I'm smiling a little bit, I look neutral. What I think I look like only starts to line up with what I actually look like when I'm smiling rather definitively. But my default face is definitely offputting—my mum often asks "What's wrong?" when I'm not sad or angry about anything. If the people at this party were seeing this particular face (which wouldn't surprise me given how unengaged I was), it may have put them off interacting in the first place. This is something I can improve on, certainly, but I don't think it would have been a game-changer at this particular event: there were too many other variables making interaction futile. And I'm not going to get mad at myself for something like this; that is counter-productive. This can simply be the next thing I practice.
I also saw some neat advice on r/socialskills that I want to take to heart. It said "don't be yourself; be who you want to be". I've always thought "just be yourself" is fucking stupid advice because everyone is themselves, and it does not encourage change. I've been myself for 20 years; it hasn't gotten me many friends, much interest from women, or a job. But if I be who I want to be—more confident, more outgoing, more willing to take risks—then I can earn those things while still being myself. And this is part of the reason why I'm so fucking game to get on-stage at uni: because when I do stand-up, I am all those things. When I'm comfortable, I have far more social potency, and there's nowhere I'm more comfortable than doing what I know I'm good at. If I put myself where I want to be, I will become who I want to be.
Who I want to be even came across in those initial two paragraphs I wrote before leaving for the party. I was happy to be going, I prepared myself as best I could (save for the poor sleep, lol), and I even said I wanted to flirt. And I don't want be confident/outgoing/flirtatious because other people my age are; I only get envious of their being those things because it makes me feel like I'm supposed to have those skills already. I want to be those things because I know they'll make my life better. Being confident will lead to me taking more risks and experiencing new things, being more outgoing will allow me to meet new people (ties in with the confidence thing to a large degree), and being more flirtatious will allow me to fulfil my dreams of getting a girlfriend and/or getting laid. I know I like how it feels when I take risks, I know I'm happy when I'm doing well in conversations, and I know I feel amazing when I'm with a woman, so that's what I'm gunning for: better feelings, not better conformity.
Having both now written this thing, I can safely say I'm not too worried about what happened. That party fuckin' sucked for me, that's for sure, but I'm not overly concerned. If anything, it allowed me to re-evaluate my parameters for what social settings I will and will not find comfortable, and highlighted some flaws in my presentation. A lot of it was just luck; there was little I could do to fit in here. And it's not like I have to see any of those people ever again, so I don't have to worry about negative repercussions. It's not like I did anything stupid, or wrong; I just took a risk and it didn't go anywhere. Maybe this apathy a good thing! Isn't this how I'd want to feel if, say, I took the risk of approaching a girl and she didn't respond that well? To acknowledge that there might have been things I did wrong which I can work on, but regardless of that, this specific negative outcome ultimately doesn't matter? I usually fret over things like this (I still think about the after-party for my Formal, and that happened over two years ago, for fuck's sake :P), but I'm pretty apathetic over what I did while I was at this party.
You know what? I'm kinda happy I did this. I'm not even neutral; I'm fucking pleased. I took a risk, and even though it didn't work, I still took it. I was told I could bring a friend to the party, so I'd be more comfortable, but I said "No. I'm not playing it safe this time." I didn't do everything I wanted to do—in fact, I did hardly anything I wanted to do—but I did do something I don't normally do, which is go into a social situation with no friends. I can now know that I've done that thing, that I weathered the storm, so to speak.
The next meetup I have with strangers features a) a personal friend, and b) his friends from an academy for computer-related things. The mere fact that there are actually commonalities between me and the other people there should make this a far better experience, so I'm still looking forward to it :)
I would have just left it like that, but that title would now be misleading. I didn't have a very good time at all. Lots of things happened that evening—my head was all over the place, especially towards the end—but few of them were any fun.
I went to the party with a positive mindset, as the photo should demonstrate. I wanted to go to this thing; I'd been looking forward to it for ages. "Finally, a chance to meet new people! I should take advantage and meet as many people as I can." I was greeted by the guy whose birthday it was, and I wished him a happy birthday. So far, so good. I walked into the house and sat on the lounge with my mum. I wanted to go outside and sit with the birthday boy's friends, but my nerves quickly started to act up. How would I introduce myself? How would I join the conversation? I didn't know, so I wasn't prepared to move.
More of the guy's friends came, and I eventually said "fuck it" and went outside. I was introduced to the group as a whole, and left to my own devices. The birthday-boy told me "just talk to 'em; they won't bite." Why do people say this? It's non-advice. It's like telling someone who's choking to "just breathe! That'll help :)". No shit I need to talk to them—how do I talk to them? What do I talk to them about? I need logistics here, man.
And that's where I failed: I had no clue what to say to the people I was seated near. I tried to listen to what they were saying, but I had absoultely no idea what they were on about. They seemed to be sharing personal anecdotes, things I had no chance of relating to. There was a second partition of people across from me talking about other things, and I wondered if I'd have more luck with them, but there were no free seats over there, so I couldn't relocate. After about 10 minutes of trying to bear the unrelateable stories being discussed, I couldn't stand it anymore and pulled my phone out. I would normally feel guilty for recluding into my shell like that, but at this point, it was either 'look busy on my phone' or 'look totally awkward and excluded'. So I sat there playing Super Mario Bros. 3 for a bit, while the people around me conversed.
At some point, a girl behind me said "Is that a Mario app on your phone?" I was like "yeah, it's an app that lets you play old games." She asked what the app was, where I got it from, how to get the games, etc., and I tried to explain to the best of my ability. She seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing, if only for a short while before someone else got her attention. No one is allowed to tell me that playing games on my phone is counter-productive ever again :P I wondered if I should have asked the girl questions, like if she was interested in old games, if she liked other Mario games, or something, but I she started talking to someone else so fast that I didn't have time to think of that. That was also the only conversation I really had before cake was served—in between the girl and the cake, I hardly lifted my head, bouncing from Super Mario Bros. to Minesweeper to Mario Kart 64. I was bored, but I wasn't sad: the party was far from over.
Eventually, it was cake time. I was given the duty of photographer, so I took pictures of the speeches and the cake, which was easy enough. After that, I was told to take pictures of the rest of the party, of the birthday-boy's friends. I was nervous at the very thought of having to ask people I didn't know to have their picture taken, but I also knew I couldn't really just walk around taking random pictures cos that would look weird and creepy, not to mention the pictures wouldn't be very good. I went up to the other group of people, the ones who were across from me before cake was served, figuring I'd have more luck there. I stood there with the camera in my hand, just looking at it, going "what the fuck am I supposed to do? They're all talking! I can't interrupt them: that's rude." I seriously cannot shake the idea that stopping a conversation, even for 10 seconds, isn't appropriate. I don't know why—I know if I was interrupted, especially if only for 10 seconds, I wouldn't give a shit—but I can't bring myself to do it, especially when I don't know the people I'm going to interrupt. I can even picture myself doing it, but actually doing it is just impossible. Friends? Sure, I can interrupt them, even if I mull over it in my head for a while. But strangers? Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.
I did have some luck in the new spot, though, though. Birthday-boy's girlfriend saw me standing around and decided to talk to me, which was nice. We talked about what we studied, where we worked (or where she worked and how I was looking for work), what we did in our spare time... you know, things that I can actually talk about! But that five-minute talk was the only conversation I managed to engage in; I spent the rest of the time either trying to listen to and understand what the others were talking about, or playing Sudoku on my phone, gradually growing more impatient, uncomfortable, and inadequate. After about half an hour, I couldn't take it anymore, and went inside to sit by myself.
I pulled out my phone again to try and write my feelings down, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was on the verge of crying, but managed to merely sulk. I sat there, thinking about all the things I said I wanted to do—meet people, make a friend or two, flirt with a girl, etc.—and felt awful realising how short of achieving my goals I had fallen. I wanted a friend to talk to, someone my age who'd hold my hand and listen, but there was no one to fill that gap. I would have texted a friend of mine, but I didn't know if she was at work or not, so I didn't risk it. It could also have blown through my credit, and I don't have the money to waste replenishing it when I have free avenues of communication. This is one of the few times having data on my phone would actually have been useful :P
In many ways, I was envious of the people around me. They were all the same in most respects: they all knew each other, they all drank, they all had cool stories, and they were all confident. There were no exceptions, not one: every single person my age who was there, bar me, had each of those qualities. I know it's not a good idea to compare one's personality to that of others in a hierarchical fashion—in terms of who's 'better' and who's 'worse'—but I couldn't fight it given the overwhelming relevance of the differences, because they were the things preventing me from joining in. If I knew these people, I'd have no problems talking to them. If I drank, I could drink with them and be relaxed. If I had cool stories (cool to them, I mean), I'd feel like I had something worth saying. And if I was confident, none of this nonsense would be happening to me at all. I was even told by the girl who walked up to me and spoke to me to me that I didn't look my age. That kinda sealed the deal for me: not to rehash phrases from Advanced English, but I simply did not belong there. I didn't look like I belonged there, I didn't feel like I belonged there, and I couldn't act like I belonged there. So I got out of there.
My mum saw me sitting alone and tried to talk to me about it. She was drunk, though, so she was talking all kinds of nonsense. Her concern was genuine, but the conversation was depressing as fuck, so it didn't really help much. The mother of the birthday boy (who's close friends with my mum) more-or-less did the same thing, talking about why social things were so hard for me, though she was a little less drunk and a little more rational. They were talking to me for so long that I eventually just wanted to go home and sleep. Once I got home, I immediately curled up into bed. I cried a little, but was too tired to do it for very long.
This morning, I woke up and tried to process everything that happened. The usual feelings of wanting to just give up on this crap and 'turn off' social/romantic desires came around, but I managed to subdue those feelings fairly quickly.
In venting to the friend I mentioned earlier, I managed to realise that, like most social things, this was a learning experience. It was a fucking awful learning experience, but it was still a learning experience. What did I learn? Sometimes, the people you're hanging with simply aren't for you. I was a round peg in a square hole. That, and I evidently don't do well when absolutely everyone is a stranger, and my one connection to the party isn't that strong a connection to begin with. My goals ended up being way out of reach due to circumstances I could not foresee. Now that I know that there may be situations in which I simply can't work too well, I can lower my goals based on the presence of such conditions in the future.
It's not as if I don't like parties like this: I went to a birthday party not two months ago which was similar in terms of the number of people present, but I had no problem fitting in because I knew people. There were strangers, too, but there were only a few of them, so it was easy to deal with. I did great at that party: I felt good and didn't feel like I was irritating, obnoxious, worthless, or anything like that. I don't even think it would have mattered if alcohol was present, because I still would have known the people who would've been drinking, and there would have been at least a few people who weren't drinking. But this particular party was totally different in terms of its demographic, so it doesn't make sense for it to work out the same way.
In retrospect, I believe body language may have been a contributing factor too. When I'm out and about, I'm not too aware of how discontent I usually look; but one look in the mirror makes it quite clear. I'm basically one level below what I think I am—if I think I'm neutral, I look ticked off; and if I think I'm smiling a little bit, I look neutral. What I think I look like only starts to line up with what I actually look like when I'm smiling rather definitively. But my default face is definitely offputting—my mum often asks "What's wrong?" when I'm not sad or angry about anything. If the people at this party were seeing this particular face (which wouldn't surprise me given how unengaged I was), it may have put them off interacting in the first place. This is something I can improve on, certainly, but I don't think it would have been a game-changer at this particular event: there were too many other variables making interaction futile. And I'm not going to get mad at myself for something like this; that is counter-productive. This can simply be the next thing I practice.
I also saw some neat advice on r/socialskills that I want to take to heart. It said "don't be yourself; be who you want to be". I've always thought "just be yourself" is fucking stupid advice because everyone is themselves, and it does not encourage change. I've been myself for 20 years; it hasn't gotten me many friends, much interest from women, or a job. But if I be who I want to be—more confident, more outgoing, more willing to take risks—then I can earn those things while still being myself. And this is part of the reason why I'm so fucking game to get on-stage at uni: because when I do stand-up, I am all those things. When I'm comfortable, I have far more social potency, and there's nowhere I'm more comfortable than doing what I know I'm good at. If I put myself where I want to be, I will become who I want to be.
Who I want to be even came across in those initial two paragraphs I wrote before leaving for the party. I was happy to be going, I prepared myself as best I could (save for the poor sleep, lol), and I even said I wanted to flirt. And I don't want be confident/outgoing/flirtatious because other people my age are; I only get envious of their being those things because it makes me feel like I'm supposed to have those skills already. I want to be those things because I know they'll make my life better. Being confident will lead to me taking more risks and experiencing new things, being more outgoing will allow me to meet new people (ties in with the confidence thing to a large degree), and being more flirtatious will allow me to fulfil my dreams of getting a girlfriend and/or getting laid. I know I like how it feels when I take risks, I know I'm happy when I'm doing well in conversations, and I know I feel amazing when I'm with a woman, so that's what I'm gunning for: better feelings, not better conformity.
Having both now written this thing, I can safely say I'm not too worried about what happened. That party fuckin' sucked for me, that's for sure, but I'm not overly concerned. If anything, it allowed me to re-evaluate my parameters for what social settings I will and will not find comfortable, and highlighted some flaws in my presentation. A lot of it was just luck; there was little I could do to fit in here. And it's not like I have to see any of those people ever again, so I don't have to worry about negative repercussions. It's not like I did anything stupid, or wrong; I just took a risk and it didn't go anywhere. Maybe this apathy a good thing! Isn't this how I'd want to feel if, say, I took the risk of approaching a girl and she didn't respond that well? To acknowledge that there might have been things I did wrong which I can work on, but regardless of that, this specific negative outcome ultimately doesn't matter? I usually fret over things like this (I still think about the after-party for my Formal, and that happened over two years ago, for fuck's sake :P), but I'm pretty apathetic over what I did while I was at this party.
You know what? I'm kinda happy I did this. I'm not even neutral; I'm fucking pleased. I took a risk, and even though it didn't work, I still took it. I was told I could bring a friend to the party, so I'd be more comfortable, but I said "No. I'm not playing it safe this time." I didn't do everything I wanted to do—in fact, I did hardly anything I wanted to do—but I did do something I don't normally do, which is go into a social situation with no friends. I can now know that I've done that thing, that I weathered the storm, so to speak.
The next meetup I have with strangers features a) a personal friend, and b) his friends from an academy for computer-related things. The mere fact that there are actually commonalities between me and the other people there should make this a far better experience, so I'm still looking forward to it :)
Saturday, 15 February 2014
:|
So, having learned about phimosis, having learned I have phimosis, and having tried jerking off with a condom in spite of my phimosis (to no avail in terms of pleasure), I've decided to start trying to fix it. Over the past two weeks, on most days, I've tried to stretch my foreskin in the shower such that I'' eventually be able to pull it back. I think, though, that phimosis may only be one of the problems I have with my dick.
This is the part where you should realise where this is going and stop reading if you are squeamish :P
I think my foreskin might be attached to my frenulum (head). I can't see it very well, mainly because I'm in the shower and there's water in the way, but also cos I can't exactly get up close and personal due to where my dick is in relation to my eyes. But it just seems like there's this bit of skin joining the two down the bottom, a bit of skin I can only see if I pull the foreskin back far enough to see the bottom of my frenulum. When I pull back any further, it hurts, but I don't know if that's only because the foreskin is taut and can't stretch anymore, or because I'm tugging on this bit of skin (it could be both). I'm hesitant to pull any harder because I don't want to hurt myself or end up in hospital; it's not worth it.
The thing is, if there is a bit of skin connecting my foreskin and my frenulum, that makes this more complicated. From what I'm reading, this connection is there from birth, but is supposed to go away during puberty—unfortunately, for some guys, it hangs around. Some are a bit more lucky in that, when they pull their foreskin back over time, like I'm currently doing, it breaks on its own; for those a bit less lucky, it needs medical attention. From what I can gather, it's just a quick snip while you're under anaesthetic, but under certain circumstances, the only solution may be circumcision. I really don't want medical attention, not on my dick. When I first read about it, I was like "Well fuck it! I won't have sex then. It's not worth this shit. I don't even wanna think about it! shudder". But if it's over in a day and I'm not getting circumcised, I think I can deal with that. Circumcision, though? Fuck off. Leave my foreskin alone.
It made me uncomfortable to realise I might need surgery, though. Medical procedures in general make me restless, and just looking at my dick with this new information grosses me out. It's not a pleasant sight, and an even less pleasant thought in my head as to what I might have to do to get this thing fixed. I guess I'm lucky in that I don't have a girlfriend bugging me to get it fixed so she can be properly intimate with me, and in that I don't have women regularly hitting on me, only being rejected due to my penile fopahs. But I'm still not comfortable with this, really.
Stupid hipster penis: just had to be different.
EDIT: I just checked my little guy out again while he was flaccid, and I can see the little bit of skin much clearer now. I'm now certain the foreskin and frenulum are joined :(
This is the part where you should realise where this is going and stop reading if you are squeamish :P
I think my foreskin might be attached to my frenulum (head). I can't see it very well, mainly because I'm in the shower and there's water in the way, but also cos I can't exactly get up close and personal due to where my dick is in relation to my eyes. But it just seems like there's this bit of skin joining the two down the bottom, a bit of skin I can only see if I pull the foreskin back far enough to see the bottom of my frenulum. When I pull back any further, it hurts, but I don't know if that's only because the foreskin is taut and can't stretch anymore, or because I'm tugging on this bit of skin (it could be both). I'm hesitant to pull any harder because I don't want to hurt myself or end up in hospital; it's not worth it.
The thing is, if there is a bit of skin connecting my foreskin and my frenulum, that makes this more complicated. From what I'm reading, this connection is there from birth, but is supposed to go away during puberty—unfortunately, for some guys, it hangs around. Some are a bit more lucky in that, when they pull their foreskin back over time, like I'm currently doing, it breaks on its own; for those a bit less lucky, it needs medical attention. From what I can gather, it's just a quick snip while you're under anaesthetic, but under certain circumstances, the only solution may be circumcision. I really don't want medical attention, not on my dick. When I first read about it, I was like "Well fuck it! I won't have sex then. It's not worth this shit. I don't even wanna think about it! shudder". But if it's over in a day and I'm not getting circumcised, I think I can deal with that. Circumcision, though? Fuck off. Leave my foreskin alone.
It made me uncomfortable to realise I might need surgery, though. Medical procedures in general make me restless, and just looking at my dick with this new information grosses me out. It's not a pleasant sight, and an even less pleasant thought in my head as to what I might have to do to get this thing fixed. I guess I'm lucky in that I don't have a girlfriend bugging me to get it fixed so she can be properly intimate with me, and in that I don't have women regularly hitting on me, only being rejected due to my penile fopahs. But I'm still not comfortable with this, really.
Stupid hipster penis: just had to be different.
EDIT: I just checked my little guy out again while he was flaccid, and I can see the little bit of skin much clearer now. I'm now certain the foreskin and frenulum are joined :(
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