Grace: It Would Never Have Perished if It Weren't for You Meddling Kids!

"Children: can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em! Can't you see that!?" 

Robin Williams (or whoever he stole the material from >.>)

Truer words were never spoken. Ever. :P

I have never been a fan of anyone between the ages of 7 and 13 with access to the internet. The demographic carries with it the misfortune of being represented, at least in part, by verbally impotent, intellectually deficient loudmouths with no sign of respect and no thought to spare. I'm well aware of the fact that kids need to learn that it's polite not to be a total douchebag when talking to someone -- that's just part of growing up -- but doesn't that shit happen when they're, like, 5? 6, maybe? I know I was taught that shit way before I got my hands on a keyboard and mouse, and I was roughly the same age when internet access first came in to our house. Of course, everyone outside of the demo is slightly to blame, with kids being exposed to this and being led to believe it's a totally appropriate way to talk to someone you just met; but sometimes, you just know the kid's a total dick, and I've had one of those incidents recently.

Keep in mind that I used to be a pretty hot-headed person, and would go off at the first sight of idiocy or ignorance, irrespective of the guilty party's age. I soon realised that this was a rather extreme way to act, and while I still cringe and curse when I see people asking dumbarse questions in YouTube comments or personal messages that Google could answer in a godforsaken millisecond, the cursing is only heard by the walls in my house -- now, I simply tell them to "look it up" without going apeshit. There was this one kid this week who sent me 4 or 5 PM's on YouTube asking "where do you get [sticker]", "where do you get the tool bag for create mode", "where do you get the clank level i have the game of the year edition and i cant find it". It's not the absence of spelling or grammar that gets me; it's the fact that research skills are seemingly lacking in today's young. I doubt it was this bad before computers -- I betcha anything that kids back then weren't this empty up top. They knew: wanna know what a word means? Dictionary. Wanna know other words for that word? Thesaurus. Wanna know the capital of the Dominican Republic? Atlas. Wanna speed this shit up and get with the times? Google. That, however, is pretty excusable; what I'm about to recite is not :P

Somebody sent me a friend request on the PSN: "I want to be your friend" or something to that effect was in the message. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, I get those from time to time, but I don't add anyone on the PSN. I don't really care if he knew or not, and there's nothing to be angry about, so I just tell him what I tell everyone else who sends me a friend request on the PSN:

"I don't add anyone on the PSN, sorry."

That is word for word what I send as a reply to anyone who sends me a friend request and is nice enough to write something in the message space (empty friend requests are just sad -- at this point, the kid is in my good books). His reply:

"i'm ur fan and you say this to me"

...yes, I do say this to him, and to everyone else who sends me a request. I don't owe him anything -- I have fun making videos and getting some attention, he gets free entertainment. It's a more-than-reasonable exchange. No need to bring that shit up with him though; I'll just explain my response:

"i say this to everyone who wants to add me -- i can't add everyone who asks, and i don't have the time to play with you, so there's no point in me adding you"

Seriously: there isn't. I'm on rarely as it is, and when I am online, I opt to play alone more often than not. His reply:

"then why did you add luisbravo1?"

Perfectly reasonable question, deserving of an answer:

"that was years ago back when I wasn't busy, and it was to make a video with him"

His reply:

"please add me Bludgaboy i want a friend that is cool. just plz add me i'm begging u :("

...a-a-a-and here's where it all starts going downhill :P  This implies that any existing friends this kid has are, in his eyes, not cool. How rude is that, man!? Kids say shit like this all the time, but wow! Gotta end this quickly:

"why should i add you and no one else that asks? that's not fair. please just accept the fact"

This is part of my reasoning behind my decision not to add anyone, regardless of who they are: one stranger gets rejected because there's no point in me adding them, so does everyone else. If I pick and choose which random friend requests to accept and reject, it'll just serve to piss the rejected ones off. This way, it's nothing personal.

He left me alone for about a week, then sent me this cavalcade of irritation:

"Plz add me Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz"

For those of you too lazy to count: 32 instances of the abbreviation collaborated on that project. What does copy/pasting "plz" go to show (they wouldn't all be capital P's if he didn't copy/paste... or at least tried to cover his tracks :P)? It's just silly, right?

"you can beg all you like, it's only making you look immature"

Harsh, but true. His reply:

"its not fair to be friends with venemo X luisbravo1 and everyone else"

1st: I am not friends with "everyone else" -- way to exaggerate :P

2nd: How is it not fair to be friends with Persons A and B, and not Person C? Maybe I don't like Person C! I am under no obligation to be friends with everyone who talks to me! If this is true, then one of two things is true: either I have to be friends with everyone, or have no friends at all!

3rd: Much like Luis, I added VenemoX a while back, and we knew each other on YouTube ever farther back. We were actual friends, so I added him (or him me, whatever :P). I've said this before, and I'll say it again: someone you know being in a "friends list" does not mean they are your friend. Also, I'm not friends with Luis; more of an acquaintance. We never speak to each other; how does that constitute friendship?

Kids think a "friend" is just someone they know, and I'm not gonna fuck with the kid's head for the sake of a label correction, so once again, I just tried to get this over with once and for all:

"i added those people *years* ago, before i stopped adding people. i have hardly any other people on the PSN i'm friends with. please, *please* stop this, or i'll just block you"

A-a-a-and now, the moment you've all been waiting for:

"f*** u"

WOAH WOAH WOAH Woah woah! F*** me? F*** me!? Hot diggity damn -- someone's gonna f*** me! Come on, people -- if you're gonna get down and dirty with the English language, at least have the balls to say the word rather than letting a bunch of asterisks do the work for ya :P

"calm down, grow up, and get over it, dude. i wouldn't want someone so rude and immature in my friends list even if i *did* add people"

Note how I'm yet to crack? No need to: he already has :P

"shut up u fuckin ass hole ADD ME!"

No "f*** me"? Is that girl still up for it? I know I am... *drools*. Anyways, enough perversion. Apart from the fact that "ass hole" is one word and not two, do you notice anything else wrong with this message? Anything at all? I sorta noticed something, might not actually be something, but, um... see how he called me a "fuckin ass hole"... then, right next to that, he demands that I add him? Do you get that? I don't.

I don't add people because I don't want to be obliged to add every single person who asks; I also don't add people so I can avoid future contact with anyone like this :P

EDIT:

"i dont want to be in your vids i just want to add u"

-and I just want this kid to get the message, but it would appear no-one's getting what they want. I don't think there's any hope with this kid. Just send his resume to Taco Bell and get him the fuck away from the PlayStation :P

EDIT 2:

More kids sending me friend requests? Yes, more kids sending me friend requests.

Some other kid kept asking me to be his friend and sent me a friend request every time I rejected the previous one. Eventually, he asked me to give him DLC; all became crystal clear from that point onwards :P  Go buy your own DLC, stingy prick.

I had another kid send me a friend request just saying "add me", which I responded to in the same way I always do. Logged on this morning to find another "please please please please please" marathon. Kudos for using the full word rather than the contracted version, but it doesn't give you that much credit :P

Internet Shorthand: moar thought w/ comment plz? :)

The Internet has, unsurprisingly, developed its own language. What's come about as a result of 10 to 15 years of rapid digital Westernisation and unrivaled physical ineptitude appears to be a very malformed and broken version of English, with a whole tonne of jargon thrown in for good exclusionary measure. Many of the terms we use are text-based alternatives to expressions we can not convey normally through digital means: LOL, ROFL, LMAO and all those emoticons are just a few examples that jump to mind, and this is perfectly understandable, if not extremely beneficial, to us as people. Language itself is a tool that provides a common knowledge base with regards to communications for all to use. It gives us all the same idea of what certain terms mean according to how they are used, and the context of the situation provides one with meaning pertaining to the situation.

This is where the formalities end.

Of all the terms, expressions, pictures and other means of communication we digital residents use on a day-to-day basis, one stands out for me as being the single worst permutation of letters I've yet seen arranged on paper or panels: "plz." Shorthand for "please," the adverb that you stick in to those sentences where you're asking someone for something and want to be polite, as to acknowledge the fact that you are asking this person to sacrifice their own resources for your own gain. If you don't know what the concept of politeness is, please look it up in your nearest dictionary. Even if you're slightly unsure of what I'm on about here, look it up. You will be doing everyone around you a big fucking favour, and learning things is fun!

Let's look at my context for a moment: I've published many a video in my 2 years as a content producer. Some of these videos have been tutorials that aim to assist the viewer in something they would otherwise not be able to themselves, and all of them have been provided 100% free of surplus charge to said viewer. This is why it boggles my mind when some ungrateful cunt comes along and asks me to help them in-game, right before sticking "plz" and their PSN ID on the end of their already malformed "sentence."

The act of asking alone demonstrates an extreme lack of gratitude; I just showed you how to do it! Step by step! Hell, I even talked you through it. Yes, perhaps the video didn't help you as much as I'd hoped, and that's a shame, but the other people saying "Thanks!" and "Great video!" beg to differ as to the video's usefulness. Irrespective of that, I've spent hours putting these videos together, so just why the fuck should I drop everything and schedule to help you do something that everyone else seems to be able to do themselves without any trouble?

Sticking "plz" on the end just tells me you can't even be bothered to type "P" then "L," followed by "E" and "A," right before hitting "S" and returning once more to the "E" to perform the arduous task of typing a 6 letter word. If we were all using mobile phone keypads to communicate over these here interwebs, I wouldn't see this as a reflection of laziness, because I can at least reason with the justification of using shorthand under those circumstances, but face it: most of you fuckers are using keyboards, so feel free to use all the keys. And take a lesson in grace from Jon Graham: "plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" is just as bad, if not worse, than the "root" form "plz." Its use doesn't demonstrate impoliteness as much as it demonstrates stupidity; the time you spent holding down the "Z" key could have been used pressing the OTHER FUCKING KEYS!

I couldn't give a shit how you speak to your chums and pals, but when you're speaking to someone you don't know and asking them for something, whatever it may be, a little grace goes a long goddamn way. When you fuckers apply for a job, don't be surprised when you get a rejection letter,  packaged, to your surprise, with a tattered shred of paper from your resume; you know, the part where you said "I can has job plz?" I'm sure you'll be :( maybe even :'( but maybe you'll learn something. I know it's been a while, but don't fret; it's a good feeling, I assure you.

I can't remember where I read this, but as a quotation, it sums everything up nicely:

"If you type 'plz' instead of 'please' because it's shorter, I'll type 'no' instead of 'yes' because it's shorter."

HollyTube: Bringing Unrivaled Favouritism to Homes Everywhere

I've been an avid YouTuber for a number of years now, and the last year has been fantastic for me as a content producer. 450,000 is a number I never thought I'd see next to the word "views" on a video of my own :P The subscriber count just toppled over 3,000, which is also fantastic. I'm not the sort to obsess over figures like that, but I won't hold it back when I say it makes me :D to see my userbase grow, and in the times I'm going through now, it really fuckin' helps :)

One recurring issue I see and ponder on with regards to YouTube is that of attention. As I just mentioned, there are 3,000 people who hypothetically, at one point or another, liked my content enough to make the effort to enlist in automated reminders whenever new content of this variety was released. That's what a subscription is: a service that allows you to automatically receive new content, or be notified of its arrival, depending on what you're subscribed to. This is why people bug the fuck out of you to do it: it's the first step to getting (and maintaining) more attention.

We've all seen it: "Rate, Comment, Subscribe," sometimes with the less popular "Favourite" thrown in if the advertiser has no concept of the "Rule of 3." These people are the blunt form of attention whores, pure and simple. It doesn't matter if their content is good; one mention of RCS and they've put it out there. They're honest people; they want big numbers, and they will happily ask, over and over if necessary. I don't do it, simply because as far as I'm concerned, the video should be given the task of enticing you to do those things. My numbers are a pure representation of how many people do those things because they do them of their own accord, without being asked. The figures are a natural tracking of my success. People are free to ask for subscriptions, comments and ratings, and although this doesn't bother me, it does ironically persuade me to leave the video without subscribing, commenting or rating most of the time.

Partners are notorious for doing this. The partnership program is built on a moviestar-esque fame platform, carefully constructed to slowly bring people in and get them "hooked" on the videos that have ads next to them (and they all will, because who doesn't like ad revenue?) YouTube is one big agent, and we're the public, getting all wet for these people. I saw a video a while back, and I tried to look for it to no avail, but, in addition to things I've noticed, the video makes it clear how partners make videos "efficiently" to maximise revenue.

The biggest example is how they always want you to "thumbs up" (used to be "5 star" which you'll see and hear in older videos) their videos. Fuck you; I'll thumbs up your video if it deserves it. That's what the rating system is for: so I can judge good content from shitty content, not popular content from everything else. I'll only thumb a video up per someone's request if they promptly stick it up their arse after receiving it. Most partners also love "comment questions," usually simple ones easily answered by the absent-minded drones that watch their videos. Stuff like "what's under your bed?" or "what's Lady GaGa's gender?" Simple shit that takes 2 seconds to answer and makes everyone feel smart and/or funny. As a wannabe comic, looking at the responses to these questions makes me feel smart and funny. It's all about bumping good ratings and comment figures through the roof, which get them on the pages that are dedicated to showing people those things. The viewers feel involved, like they're part of something, and add their username to a list of millions, as well as 1 to that 7 figure "Subscribers" number (which, to many, represents how "good," "funny" and "talented" they are; it doesn't.)

Before we get all angry, let's get this straight: there are plenty of partners who don't do any of the negative shit you may think I've just tarred them with, as well as plenty of non-partners who do this shit all the time. It's up to you as an individual to sort good content from bad without automatically labeling people. Letting your opinion of an individual mirror that of a group they're a part of simply because of their part in that group is, as far as I'm concerned, lazy and unjustifiable. Being a partner does not automatically make a content producer an arsehole, but just going off what I've noticed and things that have been shown to me, there are some really fucking desperate people out there who can and will take advantage of whatever they can to get everything for themselves. YouTube is no different.

Believe it or not, some people think I'm famous. It's all about relativity: compared to them, perhaps I am famous, but compared to these people with hundreds of thousands, even millions of followers, I don't even touch them. I had one guy send me a friend request on the PSN saying he would be "honoured" to have me on his list. Why? What the fuck is so special about me? Is my self-respect too low to recognise my supposed talent and greatness, or are this guy's standards low enough to think some dude who makes YouTube videos every so often is someone to be honoured? I guess it's a little bit of both. I look up to people too; (dead) comedians primarily, but YouTubers too.

Take SeaNanners: here's a guy (a partner, I might add :P) who I think is funny, insightful and very entertaining. I don't know if I'd be honoured to talk to him or meet him, but I would be very appreciative and delighted, because he seems like an interesting fellow, and knowing his userbase, lots of people would want to do the same. Without SeaNanners and his (awesome! :D) Minecraft videos, I probably would never have thought about improvised commentary. I suppose we all look to someone for something.

You know a blog is good and hearty when you look at the clock and 50 minutes have silently walked right out the door... wait, do you? I'm too new here to be making such assumptions :P