So I went to an engagement party two weeks ago. I anticipated it quite a lot, as it's the first 'adult' social event I've gone to where I've thought "hmm... let's actually try to have fun" :P Though I can't remember exactly when or where I saw this, someone on seddit advised that people keep logs on their social outings, so I've decided to do that. Not that I'll post them all here, but I want to keep a record of what I did right, what I did wrong, and what I can do in the future to not do the wrong things again.
POSITIVES
Conversed with family, more than usual
I talked more at this outing than I usually do. I was certainly more open to conversation, and more responsive when spoken to. I certainly could have been a little more talkative than I was, but this was an improvement, most certainly.
Did not feel uncomfortable with not having dinner or not being too conversational
Strangely enough, I didn't feel weird about not eating or not being as talkative as everyone else. Granted, most of these people know I don't eat properly anyway, but not everyone at the table knew, and I didn't care about what they thought. I wasn't asked about it any more than once, and I just said I ate before I came (which I actually did; I'm usually lying when I say that :P). There was also a pile of funsize chocolates in the middle of each table, meaning I could still eat a little bit in the company of other guests. After dinner, cos I was sitting with people my age, they talked about TV shows and other stuff which I wasn't interested in, making it hard to engage. But I simply listened as much as I could, rather than bowing my head and playing on my phone. Speaking of my phone...
Kept hands off phone for far longer than usual (and far longer than everyone else at my table)
Though I'm usually the first to whip my phone out (and never for any genuine reason, like getting a call or a text), I was the last person on my table to take my phone out. Theirs sat beside their plates; mine sat in my pocket. I did eventually take it out, but it was a long time before that happened. I just listened to the conversation, as uninteresting as it was (football and Big Brother can both fuck off and die plz).
Did not care about my teetotalism
I was the only one at my table (and probably the whole party) not drinking alcohol. But so what? Am I supposed to give a fuck or something? No one else gave a fuck, and even if they did, why should I? No concern whatsoever on my part :)
NEGATIVES
Didn't initiate conversation much
As much as I responded to being spoken to, and as much as I listened to the conversation around me, I wasn't exactly making my own conversation. I'm not to worried about that shortcoming, though. For starters, everyone at my table was super-different to me in terms of interests. They all liked sport, and I didn't. They talked about TV shows I had no interest in. We didn't have much in common, so I doubt there was anything I could have said to captivate their interests. Fuck, when they were talking about Big Brother, they kept saying it was a shit show but they watched it anyway--the cynic in me was having a fit. So many responses I rightfully kept to myself :P
Did not wish to dance
This was probably the biggest failure of the night for me. I'm here with family, people I should be (and, for the most part, was) comfortable with--but I didn't dance. I didn't want to dance. I wanted to feel like dancing, but I didn't want to actually get up and go over there. Maybe if there'd been some girls there my age who were dancing (who weren't my cousins, or my tipsy mother :P), I would have had some incentive to dance :P But, alas, I didn't dance at all. This is also where the phone came out. I didn't feel uncomfortable with the phone, not at all; I felt fine sitting there playing Minesweeper and Sudoku. But I'd be a fool to deny that dancing would have been the better option in the long term, if only for the experiential gains I would have made.
I think there were two problems here that caused this (apart from the whole '0% chance of sexy times' thing :P). First off, where I was sitting at the table, I faced away from the dance floor rather than towards it. I looked over my shoulder a few times to see what was going on, but didn't really turn around that often. If I ever go to another event with a dance floor, I need to face it so I can see what (and who) I'm missing.
Visualised people in my head being sexual
When I was playing on my phone, the first 30 minutes or so were pretty cool; the puzzles were making me quite smiley. But eventually, for some reason, images came into my head of people feeling each other up, kissing, fucking each other. While it sounds like sexual frustration (it isn't... >.>), it's more that I was thinking this to be what should have been happening to me at this event. It was a side effect of me not dancing: my brain went "hey, if you went up there and danced, a girl might suck your dick. Think about that for a second." Maybe I don't want to think about that for a second :P There were no women there my age, and even if there were, the chances of me getting that far were slim-to-nil for a wide variety of reasons.
The fact of the matter is my phone can only distract me for so long. After a while, it loses its ability to do so, especially when more social alternatives make themselves available. The only way to deal with this is to engage in something that actually takes my mind off that stuff--or, engage in activity that makes the sexy scenarios possible in the first place such that they act as an incentive rather than an annoyance. I'm not gonna care about visualising a blowjob when one's happening to me right there and then, am I?
Lips were dry towards end; was also tired long before everyone else
My bottom lip was dry as fuck towards the end, and all I wanted to do was go home and put Vaseline on the bastard so it didn't hurt. While it sounds like nothing, it was affecting my mood quite a bit. I mean, let's say there was some hot chick on the dance floor: would I have wanted to dance with her if my lip was starting to crust up? Of course not! What if she wanted to kiss me? What if that actually happened? Would I have let myself get that far, only to be thwarted by some goddamn lip-burn? Not a chance. Next time, Vaseline will be applied before I leave. I will not be held responsible for dry-lipped smooching. The cunnilingus will not be uncomfortable because of my lips. The sex I'll be incredibly lucky to have will only happen if the entire body is on board, goddamnit >.<
I was also getting tired quite a while before we left. We did stay until, like, 1:30 am, so it's not like this is totally unreasonable, but I didn't eat much before we left (a box of breadsticks isn't exactly long-lasting energy), so I was running on empty towards the end. I basically need to eat more before i go out, like, I dunno... two boxes of breadsticks :P
Given my only real goal was to be comfortable, I succeeded for the most part. There were a few moments of mild discomfort, and they were quite short. This was a family thing, so it was easier for me to be comfortable here than it would be at a party with strangers, but this was still an improvement over the usually 'bored shitless' attitude I normally have at these things.
So, goal for next outing: four hook-ups in one night. Seems like the next step :)
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
Sunday, 22 September 2013
Food: That One Thing I'm Definitely Wrong About
I have pretty weird eating habits, definitely weirder than most people. 'Fussy eater' doesn't really do it justice :P I've never really eaten properly, and it's been this way for as long as I can remember. My mum certainly tried to get me to eat right when I was young, but never succeeded. Any attempt by adults to get me to eat anything I hadn't eaten previously (even things I love today, like chocolate) resulted in my refusal to submit--I really was a stubborn little bastard :P I still am, too, as I haven't expanded my palette for nearly two decades now.
That said, there's nothing wrong with me physically. I'm not sick, and I don't get sick any more often than a regular person would. I don't have any difficulty moving or breathing, I don't find it hard to think; I don't have any trouble getting through everyday activities. I don't have cancer, diabetes, heart disease, or anything of the sort (which is pretty remarkable given the circumstances, lol). As far as health goes, I'm a lot better than I could be. But that doesn't mean there isn't huge room for improvement.
Here's a list of everything (and I mean everything) I can think of which I will put in my mouth:
I've obviously been eating like this for ages, so to me, it feels normal. My mum's pretty tolerant of it (she buys all the food without a fuss), but she occasionally asks if I want to try something new, to which my answer is almost always 'no'. I don't care what it is: if any part of it falls into that second list, I don't want it. I refuse to expand here at all; I don't even really want to. I'm happy to keep eating the way I am. But it's certainly not the best option for me.
Thinking of this from a health standpoint, in a somewhat counter-intuitive way, my eating habits are kinda healthy. True, I don't eat fresh fruits, vegetables, or meat, but I don't eat fast food either. There are lots of unhealthy things I don't eat, which is one positive that comes out of this. The problem with that, of course, is that given what I won't eat, I really can't eat things that are healthy, meaning I'm only left with unhealthy stuff to begin with. Overall, I'm clearly in the red.
The same could be said of soft drinks and alcohol, but seeing as I mainly drink water, having milk/iced coffee every so often, I'm doing far better there.
The reason I don't want to eat anything new, as far as I can tell, is that regular food simply doesn't look appetising. It doesn't look edible. It doesn't look like food. I know it is food, but it doesn't look like anything I'd want as food. Most regular food looks pretty messed up to me. Fruit looks alright, even smells OK. If I was gonna try stuff, that's probably where I'd start. Same goes for bread: I already eat things that are like bread (cakes, muffins, breadstucks), and bread can smell pretty awesome sometimes too. But vegetables and meat look pretty awful. Vegetables look pretty 'meh' in standard form, and cooked, they look even worse. As far as meat goes... foul. Absolutely foul.
And with that, with the whole meat thing, it's not that I'm against animals being killed for food. I'm not saying there aren't issues with factory farming, animal suffering, and whatever else--there are certainly ethical issues there--but that's not why meat turns me off. I'm not a political vegetarian; I just think meat looks fucking disgusting. Cooked or raw, it's goddamn horrible to look at. And the smell! Holy shit, the smell >.< I remember going to someone's house once and smelling bacon and eggs; I couldn't tell you how hard it was to prevent myself from throwing up. I'd heard so much about how fucking great it is to wake up to the smell of bacon and eggs, and was sitting there wondering how people were eating this stench! They were eating it! They wanted to eat it! Not that all meat smells quite that bad (and there were eggs involved there too, which couldn't have helped), but it's certainly not pleasant.
It's mainly a psychological thing: I've had such a narrow view of what's appetising for so long that it's extremely sensitive to anything outside that view. And trying new things is so foreign to me that I'm not comfortable with the concept. I get the whole "You can just spit it out!" thing (my mum says that all the time), but I'd rather just not go there.
As for what it is that I fear specifically, it's hard to tell. But I know I hate weird textures in my mouth, and I hate gagging. In the past, when I've tried things, I've gagged a lot. I remember plenty of times where I'd try something new, I'd have a really weird taste or texture, and I'd then gag over and over until I spat it out. New foods are hard for me to stomach before they're even in my stomach :P Things that are really chewy also get me, because the weird taste/texture has to stay there until I swallow whatever it is, with me usually gagging until it's all gone. Then I have to eat more of it and chew/gag for ages again. And that just repeats until I get sick of it. It doesn't look remotely enticing in that way.
But this is a huge problem, not just from a health perspective, but from a social perspective. Eating is something almost everyone does, and it's one of the most common social activities there is. Not only that, but you'd be hard pressed finding someone in this country who's fussy to the extent that I am; dietary habits like mine are a rarity. That said, I am not catered to (nor can I expect to be). You won't find restaurants with Doritos or Pringles or whatever else listed as meals, and anything at a restaurant I will eat is dessert. I can't really go with friends to places where food is the focus because I'll feel like an asshole, sitting there doing nothing. And if I approach a woman somewhere, chat her up, invite her out, maybe even start dating her, the subject is eventually gonna come up--and until it does, she's gonna assume I eat like everyone else. What's she gonna think when she hears I don't eat properly? Is the rest of my personality gonna be able to compensate for that? Food seems to be that one thing that everyone does properly to the extent where they can fit in--everyone except me.
And that's the only reason I wanna change, really: so I can fit in. If I could eat enough things so I could just go places and not have to worry about sitting there doing nothing for an hour or two, feeling like a broken piece of shit. That's all I'd really need. I wouldn't have to eat meat or drink alcohol to get that far. With alcohol, while I'd like to be able to enjoy a few drinks with friends without worrying, I'm still leaning heavily towards the 'fuck that shit' side of the fence :P I can definitely get by without booze. Food, not so much.
I'm just wondering if I can keep my value and self-worth up without having to venture into the land of unknown cuisine. Cos, hypothetically, I could just continue eating the way I do, and announce it proudly to those I'm talking to whenever it comes up in conversation. As of right now, I'd much rather take that option. But it would certainly be easier to socialise if I didn't have to worry about the whole eating thing at all. It would open up other avenues in life, too, like travelling. Its benefits are there, but I don't know if it's enough to convince me.
Or everyone could just live on Doritos for the rest of their lives... that's an option too, you know.
That said, there's nothing wrong with me physically. I'm not sick, and I don't get sick any more often than a regular person would. I don't have any difficulty moving or breathing, I don't find it hard to think; I don't have any trouble getting through everyday activities. I don't have cancer, diabetes, heart disease, or anything of the sort (which is pretty remarkable given the circumstances, lol). As far as health goes, I'm a lot better than I could be. But that doesn't mean there isn't huge room for improvement.
Here's a list of everything (and I mean everything) I can think of which I will put in my mouth:
• Corn chips
• Potato chips (plain)
• Crackers/biscuits (plain)
• Breadsticks (plain)
• French toasts (the kind you buy in packets)
• Muffins (plain)
• Anything chocolate
• Most lollies
• Puree apple (essentially baby food)
• Yoghurt
• Cake
• Butter (as an ingredient, not by itself, lol)
• Ice-cream
• Custard
• Pastries
• Most cereal (never with milk
• WaterAs for the list of things I won't put in my mouth:
• Milk (including flavoured milk)
• Iced coffee
• Fresh fruit
• Vegetables of any kind
• Meat/poultry of any kind
• Nuts of any kind
• Soft drinkSo as you can see, the list of things I will eat is basically snack food or confectionery, and the list of things I won't eat is what you probably live on :P And when I say I won't put these things in my mouth, I'm saying I will never ever ever put these things in my mouth for any reason. To me, it's unthinkable. Were you to try and get me to eat or drink anything in the second list, I would resist with all my might to prevent it from happening.
• Alcohol
• Hot beverages
I've obviously been eating like this for ages, so to me, it feels normal. My mum's pretty tolerant of it (she buys all the food without a fuss), but she occasionally asks if I want to try something new, to which my answer is almost always 'no'. I don't care what it is: if any part of it falls into that second list, I don't want it. I refuse to expand here at all; I don't even really want to. I'm happy to keep eating the way I am. But it's certainly not the best option for me.
Thinking of this from a health standpoint, in a somewhat counter-intuitive way, my eating habits are kinda healthy. True, I don't eat fresh fruits, vegetables, or meat, but I don't eat fast food either. There are lots of unhealthy things I don't eat, which is one positive that comes out of this. The problem with that, of course, is that given what I won't eat, I really can't eat things that are healthy, meaning I'm only left with unhealthy stuff to begin with. Overall, I'm clearly in the red.
The same could be said of soft drinks and alcohol, but seeing as I mainly drink water, having milk/iced coffee every so often, I'm doing far better there.
The reason I don't want to eat anything new, as far as I can tell, is that regular food simply doesn't look appetising. It doesn't look edible. It doesn't look like food. I know it is food, but it doesn't look like anything I'd want as food. Most regular food looks pretty messed up to me. Fruit looks alright, even smells OK. If I was gonna try stuff, that's probably where I'd start. Same goes for bread: I already eat things that are like bread (cakes, muffins, breadstucks), and bread can smell pretty awesome sometimes too. But vegetables and meat look pretty awful. Vegetables look pretty 'meh' in standard form, and cooked, they look even worse. As far as meat goes... foul. Absolutely foul.
And with that, with the whole meat thing, it's not that I'm against animals being killed for food. I'm not saying there aren't issues with factory farming, animal suffering, and whatever else--there are certainly ethical issues there--but that's not why meat turns me off. I'm not a political vegetarian; I just think meat looks fucking disgusting. Cooked or raw, it's goddamn horrible to look at. And the smell! Holy shit, the smell >.< I remember going to someone's house once and smelling bacon and eggs; I couldn't tell you how hard it was to prevent myself from throwing up. I'd heard so much about how fucking great it is to wake up to the smell of bacon and eggs, and was sitting there wondering how people were eating this stench! They were eating it! They wanted to eat it! Not that all meat smells quite that bad (and there were eggs involved there too, which couldn't have helped), but it's certainly not pleasant.
It's mainly a psychological thing: I've had such a narrow view of what's appetising for so long that it's extremely sensitive to anything outside that view. And trying new things is so foreign to me that I'm not comfortable with the concept. I get the whole "You can just spit it out!" thing (my mum says that all the time), but I'd rather just not go there.
As for what it is that I fear specifically, it's hard to tell. But I know I hate weird textures in my mouth, and I hate gagging. In the past, when I've tried things, I've gagged a lot. I remember plenty of times where I'd try something new, I'd have a really weird taste or texture, and I'd then gag over and over until I spat it out. New foods are hard for me to stomach before they're even in my stomach :P Things that are really chewy also get me, because the weird taste/texture has to stay there until I swallow whatever it is, with me usually gagging until it's all gone. Then I have to eat more of it and chew/gag for ages again. And that just repeats until I get sick of it. It doesn't look remotely enticing in that way.
But this is a huge problem, not just from a health perspective, but from a social perspective. Eating is something almost everyone does, and it's one of the most common social activities there is. Not only that, but you'd be hard pressed finding someone in this country who's fussy to the extent that I am; dietary habits like mine are a rarity. That said, I am not catered to (nor can I expect to be). You won't find restaurants with Doritos or Pringles or whatever else listed as meals, and anything at a restaurant I will eat is dessert. I can't really go with friends to places where food is the focus because I'll feel like an asshole, sitting there doing nothing. And if I approach a woman somewhere, chat her up, invite her out, maybe even start dating her, the subject is eventually gonna come up--and until it does, she's gonna assume I eat like everyone else. What's she gonna think when she hears I don't eat properly? Is the rest of my personality gonna be able to compensate for that? Food seems to be that one thing that everyone does properly to the extent where they can fit in--everyone except me.
And that's the only reason I wanna change, really: so I can fit in. If I could eat enough things so I could just go places and not have to worry about sitting there doing nothing for an hour or two, feeling like a broken piece of shit. That's all I'd really need. I wouldn't have to eat meat or drink alcohol to get that far. With alcohol, while I'd like to be able to enjoy a few drinks with friends without worrying, I'm still leaning heavily towards the 'fuck that shit' side of the fence :P I can definitely get by without booze. Food, not so much.
I'm just wondering if I can keep my value and self-worth up without having to venture into the land of unknown cuisine. Cos, hypothetically, I could just continue eating the way I do, and announce it proudly to those I'm talking to whenever it comes up in conversation. As of right now, I'd much rather take that option. But it would certainly be easier to socialise if I didn't have to worry about the whole eating thing at all. It would open up other avenues in life, too, like travelling. Its benefits are there, but I don't know if it's enough to convince me.
Or everyone could just live on Doritos for the rest of their lives... that's an option too, you know.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
Gamespot Reviewer Believes GTA V is Somewhat Misogynistic
I recently came across this article about how a reviewer for Gamespot believes Grand Theft Auto V, Rockstar's latest instalment in the GTA franchise, is misogynistic. Here are her thoughts as written in her review:
My issue here is that she doesn't think the offending elements are satirical. Now, I haven't played GTA V yet (waiting for it to arrive from the UK), so let me make it clear that this is all conjecture. But, I have played every Grand Theft Auto game since GTA III (sans Liberty City Stories and Vice City Stories), and I've never known the series to promote misogyny, nor Rockstar to be misogynistic themselves. The environments of all previous GTA games have been almost entirely satirical. Everything is a piss-take, from the characters, to the landscape, to the buildings, to the dialogue, to the in-game ads—everything is taking the piss to some degree.
In San Andreas (2004), I distinctly remember the K-DST radio station (a classic rock station) making at least one domestic violence joke, quite a few misogynistic rap songs being played on Radio Los Santos (a gangsta rap station), a female waitress in a casino bringing a Mafia boss a sandwich—all kinds of content which, in and of itself, can certainly be seen as misogynistic. But within the context of the game as a piece of satire, these attitudes are by no means promoted (the boot-up screen for the game outright states at the beginning that the developers don't endorse any of the behaviour within). The game is just representing 90's culture. Representing a version of reality at any point in history doesn't automatically mean you're promoting the values of the time.
As for GTA IV (2008), while most of the characters are men (based off the fact that most criminal organisations are run by, and for the benefit of, men), you've got some powerful female roles in the story. Along the way, Niko (the main character) meets a drug-lord by the name of Elizabeta, who blankly states she's fighting as a woman in a man's world; and he meets an undercover cop by the name of Karen, who dates him under false pretences and ends up leading him to work for an undercover organisation.
It should be clear to any adult legally capable of buying these games, people who should be capable of critical thought, that misogynistic behaviour isn't ethical (and, when it comes to ethics in GTA, the fact that you can shoot anything that moves is, perhaps, of greater concern :P). Add to this that the writers of GTA IV, the previous major instalment, were quite clearly aware of misogyny in the US, and you have yourself a franchise which I highly doubt would even try, let alone succeed at, promoting misogynistic behaviours or mindsets.
Again, I have not played the game, so, for all I know, the game really is atrocious in its promotion of misogyny. But I don't think this will be the case when I play the game for myself. I firmly believe that the reviewer here has simply not found the satire funny or appealing, and that in failing to find it funny, she's decided it can't be satire to begin with. Take the line "... [the game] turns sour really quick when a voice comes on the radio that talks about using a woman as a urinal." Yes, and? You don't find that line funny, therefore hearing that line will convince me that I should treat women like urinals? Do you honestly think Rockstar are promoting that kind of behaviour? Do you honestly think anyone who plays the game will hear that and determine it acceptable to partake in such an activity? It's a clear-cut and unmistakable parody of misogyny, not a promotion of it. And anyone who thinks that's appropriate behaviour would have to have major psychological issues to begin with. Whether or not you find something amusing doesn't determine whether or not it's satirical, nor does it determine whether or not that something promotes certain behaviours.
Contrary to what people think, comedy isn't all happiness and joy—in fact, if you analyse comedy, you'll find most of it is born out of tragedy and immorality. To quote comedian Lenny Bruce (note that he is assuming the role of a character, speaking to another character in this routine):
Just because I laugh at something doesn't mean I condone what I'm laughing at, and the same goes for everyone on this planet. I've laughed at jokes involving murder, torture, sexual assault, rape, genocide, suicide—all kinds of dark subject matter—but that doesn't mean I promote or condone that behaviour. If any one of those things was to actually happen in front of me, I'd be shocked. I would feel empathy for the victims, as would almost anyone else. Would I laugh? I could laugh, perhaps. But I wouldn't be laughing at the victim, nor would I even be able to decide whether I laugh or not (because you don't get to pick what you find funny). No humour I may find in a situation can inhibit my capacity to sympathise or empathise with others. If anything, I've used comedy to highlight discriminatory mindsets like misogyny, both in listening to the comedy of others and in writing my own material. Granted, not all comedy is intended to be satire, and not all satire is intended to be comedy; but in the case of GTA, the satire is intended to be funny, as it always has been.
To reiterate, I may play the game and determine that, yes, the game does feature elements of misogyny. Shit, I could play the game and determine some elements of the game to be misandric —I have no goddamn clue until I play the game for myself. But I don't see any reason to think the game promotes anything like what this reviewer says it does, not given Rockstar's track record.
In addition to the review, there are people calling for the reviewer to be fired because of her belief that the game promotes sexism. These reactionary fucktards are exactly the kind of people Rockstar parody in their games :P It's not like the reviewer hated the game or gave it a bad score just because she thought it promoted sexism—she graded it 9 out of 10, for fuck's sake. To disagree with someone's view is one thing, but to call for their sacking because you disagree is something else entirely. There's a reason people often see gamers as entitled little cunts, and this is a huge part of that. Why are you wasting your time bitching and whining about some review for a game? If you love the game so much, shut up and go play it.
In any case, I'm still looking forward to the game, and will not to pay attention to any further reviews so I don't spoil anything :P
On a less positive note, it’s deeply frustrating that, while its central and supporting male characters are flawed and complex characters, with a few extremely minor exceptions (such as the aforementioned optional getaway driver), GTA V has little room for women except to portray them as strippers, prostitutes, long-suffering wives, humorless girlfriends and goofy, new-age feminists we’re meant to laugh at.
Characters constantly spout lines that glorify male sexuality while demeaning women, and the billboards and radio stations of the world reinforce this misogyny, with ads that equate manhood with sleek sports cars while encouraging women to purchase a fragrance that will make them “smell like a bitch.” Yes, these are exaggerations of misogynistic undercurrents in our own society, but not satirical ones. With nothing in the narrative to underscore how insane and wrong this is, all the game does is reinforce and celebrate sexism. The beauty of cruising in the sun-kissed Los Santos hills while listening to “Higher Love” by Steve Winwood turns sour really quick when a voice comes on the radio that talks about using a woman as a urinal.
Gamespot GTA V review, by Carolyn Petit
My issue here is that she doesn't think the offending elements are satirical. Now, I haven't played GTA V yet (waiting for it to arrive from the UK), so let me make it clear that this is all conjecture. But, I have played every Grand Theft Auto game since GTA III (sans Liberty City Stories and Vice City Stories), and I've never known the series to promote misogyny, nor Rockstar to be misogynistic themselves. The environments of all previous GTA games have been almost entirely satirical. Everything is a piss-take, from the characters, to the landscape, to the buildings, to the dialogue, to the in-game ads—everything is taking the piss to some degree.
In San Andreas (2004), I distinctly remember the K-DST radio station (a classic rock station) making at least one domestic violence joke, quite a few misogynistic rap songs being played on Radio Los Santos (a gangsta rap station), a female waitress in a casino bringing a Mafia boss a sandwich—all kinds of content which, in and of itself, can certainly be seen as misogynistic. But within the context of the game as a piece of satire, these attitudes are by no means promoted (the boot-up screen for the game outright states at the beginning that the developers don't endorse any of the behaviour within). The game is just representing 90's culture. Representing a version of reality at any point in history doesn't automatically mean you're promoting the values of the time.
As for GTA IV (2008), while most of the characters are men (based off the fact that most criminal organisations are run by, and for the benefit of, men), you've got some powerful female roles in the story. Along the way, Niko (the main character) meets a drug-lord by the name of Elizabeta, who blankly states she's fighting as a woman in a man's world; and he meets an undercover cop by the name of Karen, who dates him under false pretences and ends up leading him to work for an undercover organisation.
It should be clear to any adult legally capable of buying these games, people who should be capable of critical thought, that misogynistic behaviour isn't ethical (and, when it comes to ethics in GTA, the fact that you can shoot anything that moves is, perhaps, of greater concern :P). Add to this that the writers of GTA IV, the previous major instalment, were quite clearly aware of misogyny in the US, and you have yourself a franchise which I highly doubt would even try, let alone succeed at, promoting misogynistic behaviours or mindsets.
Again, I have not played the game, so, for all I know, the game really is atrocious in its promotion of misogyny. But I don't think this will be the case when I play the game for myself. I firmly believe that the reviewer here has simply not found the satire funny or appealing, and that in failing to find it funny, she's decided it can't be satire to begin with. Take the line "... [the game] turns sour really quick when a voice comes on the radio that talks about using a woman as a urinal." Yes, and? You don't find that line funny, therefore hearing that line will convince me that I should treat women like urinals? Do you honestly think Rockstar are promoting that kind of behaviour? Do you honestly think anyone who plays the game will hear that and determine it acceptable to partake in such an activity? It's a clear-cut and unmistakable parody of misogyny, not a promotion of it. And anyone who thinks that's appropriate behaviour would have to have major psychological issues to begin with. Whether or not you find something amusing doesn't determine whether or not it's satirical, nor does it determine whether or not that something promotes certain behaviours.
Contrary to what people think, comedy isn't all happiness and joy—in fact, if you analyse comedy, you'll find most of it is born out of tragedy and immorality. To quote comedian Lenny Bruce (note that he is assuming the role of a character, speaking to another character in this routine):
Men like yourself and Lenny Bruce thrive upon the continuance of segregation, violence and disease. The Messiah returns, all is pure—you're standing in the red line.
'Thank You Masked Man', Warning, Lenny Bruce Is Out Again (1961)
Just because I laugh at something doesn't mean I condone what I'm laughing at, and the same goes for everyone on this planet. I've laughed at jokes involving murder, torture, sexual assault, rape, genocide, suicide—all kinds of dark subject matter—but that doesn't mean I promote or condone that behaviour. If any one of those things was to actually happen in front of me, I'd be shocked. I would feel empathy for the victims, as would almost anyone else. Would I laugh? I could laugh, perhaps. But I wouldn't be laughing at the victim, nor would I even be able to decide whether I laugh or not (because you don't get to pick what you find funny). No humour I may find in a situation can inhibit my capacity to sympathise or empathise with others. If anything, I've used comedy to highlight discriminatory mindsets like misogyny, both in listening to the comedy of others and in writing my own material. Granted, not all comedy is intended to be satire, and not all satire is intended to be comedy; but in the case of GTA, the satire is intended to be funny, as it always has been.
To reiterate, I may play the game and determine that, yes, the game does feature elements of misogyny. Shit, I could play the game and determine some elements of the game to be misandric —I have no goddamn clue until I play the game for myself. But I don't see any reason to think the game promotes anything like what this reviewer says it does, not given Rockstar's track record.
In addition to the review, there are people calling for the reviewer to be fired because of her belief that the game promotes sexism. These reactionary fucktards are exactly the kind of people Rockstar parody in their games :P It's not like the reviewer hated the game or gave it a bad score just because she thought it promoted sexism—she graded it 9 out of 10, for fuck's sake. To disagree with someone's view is one thing, but to call for their sacking because you disagree is something else entirely. There's a reason people often see gamers as entitled little cunts, and this is a huge part of that. Why are you wasting your time bitching and whining about some review for a game? If you love the game so much, shut up and go play it.
In any case, I'm still looking forward to the game, and will not to pay attention to any further reviews so I don't spoil anything :P
Random Thoughts: A Great Way to Celebrate Having Finished an Essay
Not sure how I went on this particular essay (might have cited a little too much from my sources at the cost of exposition and analysis), but I don't care, it's doneskis :)
Still waiting for the Performance Society to get back to me about performing, but in terms of material, I've got a lot of decent material lined up if I do get to perform. I took my laptop to uni and had a friend of mine read over some bits; she responded quite well, even pointing out one or two extra jokes I could include. This means my transition from purely-scripted stuff to kinda-scripted-kinda-improvised stuff will be nice and easy :)
I've also been thinking about approaches to ethics in romantic and sexual relationships, given both all the stuff on r/seduction I've been reading, and the essay I just did. I picked pornography for my essay topic, having to answer the question "Is pornography bad for sexual equality?" Reading the sources suggested to us by our lecturer, it seemed pretty obvious that porn does fuck with people's heads in ways they don't realise or understand, especially with regards to how men view women in terms of mere sex objects, and how women view themselves as needing to perform in certain sexual ways. Thing is, I've been watching porn since I was 13, but have hardly been affected by it (and the sources did make it clear that adolescent porn consumption is only one of many factors that influence teens' perspectives on sexuality).
To say my porn consumption has had no effect whatsoever would be a lie, but I've never thought girls were just things for me to fuck, I've never thought sexual violence or rape was even arousing, let alone acceptable, and until I was about 17 or 18, the acts normalised through porn (oral sex, anal sex, cumshots, etc.) didn't really feature in my personal fantasies. And speaking of those, my fantasies were usually these romantic, picturesque film sequences where both parties wanted to fuck each other and both parties enjoyed the sex. I dunno how I managed to keep thinking that way with all the porn I watched as a teenager, but alas, that's what most of my fantasies were like (and still are like). I wanted (and still want) to go out with girls, go on dates with them, hug and kiss them, talk with them, make love to them—who are these other dumbcunts who think porn is how sex is in real life? Do they think action movies are mirrors of reality too? Goddamn it, people are fucking gullible, man :P
Reading all the sources for the essay was just depressing. All this shit about how women are pressured to put out, then slut-shamed for putting out. The ones that do put out experience more depression and lower satisfaction; the ones that don't have a hard time getting any man's interest due to their being a 'prude'. Boyfriends showing their girlfriends hardcore, violent porn, convincing their girlfriend that they should totally do that shit. What the fuck is wrong with people >.< Granted, I've watched lots of educational stuff on sexuality too, videos on YouTube about consent, condom use, BDSM (just out of interest... I swear, seriously >.>), safe words, rape fantasies, a/bi/homosexuality—I don't know heaps, but I know more than the average person. And I'm certainly not some social conservative who thinks guys should only do it with their wife in missionary style just to procreate. It's just that people are so stupid that they see something on a screen, in a fictional universe, then apply that to reality like that's what they're supposed to do. It isn't.
And the body image shit, don't even get me started on the body image shit. Makes me want to smash advertisers' heads against brick walls. I remember when I was going out with my ex, one day we were walking home from the mall, and she said she was fat. I was astounded. This was the prettiest girl I knew, the fairest in all the land, telling me she was fat. I didn't get it. At all. I loved her size! She wasn't thin, but she wasn't fat—she was in the middle. I thought the fat on her body was normal, especially when compared to my complete lack of fat. Her body was amazing to me—and that was with her clothes on. God help her if I'd ever seen her naked. My dick would have asploded, man :P And obviously my feelings for her made her attractive in my eyes—beauty is in the eye of the beholder—but even today, I still think she looks good. I don't think about her sexually, but that doesn't stop me from thinking her body's attractive.
I wanna feel girls up and take their clothes off and lick them and eat them out and have them suck me off and fuck me—I definitely want to experience all that—but I want them to enjoy it. They'll have their own list of desires that I can fulfil, and fulfilling them will get me off because the look on their face and the sounds that they make when they're being pleasured are possibly the hottest fucking things on this planet. It creates this cognitive dissonance in me that, on one hand, women are their own people with their own decision-making capabilities, but on the other hand, I'm told they want men to take the lead, be the one with initiative, make bold moves... is that porn or is that how women normally are? If a woman likes it rough, fast, and hard, I'll do my best to be rough, fast and hard without being overzealous. But does she want that just cos some guy showed her porn and convinced her that's how this shit is supposed to go down, or cos she's a horny little bitch who genuinely wants a guy to fuck her brains out? How many women will respond positively to these things and how many won't? I dun knows :(
Why does having fun have to be such a bitch to justify, goddamn it :P
But getting back on track, I've been thinking about issues like hooking up, using certain seduction techniques to varying degrees (eg. initiating physical contact, shit tests, push-and-pull), talking about my (future) sexual experiences with girls on-stage, the telling of rape jokes to particular audiences—stuff like that. I don't really know if these could be stand-up routines cos, going through them in my head, they come off as boring. It seems more like something I'd write here. I dunno, I'll see where that goes.
I've been reading more on r/seduction, as I mentioned. It's interesting stuff, and reading people's field reports to assess what works and what doesn't is neat :) But while it does give me an urge to get out there, make me wanna interact with chicks, I know too well the confidence just isn't there yet. I can picture myself being the smoothest cat in my head, both arms around hot babes, talking to 'em like it's nothing; but that's cos I have an optimistic imagination, not cos I'm actually good at any of this :P
As for other uni stuff, my academic progress is kinda all over the place. For my first Discrete Mathematics assessment, I got 16/18; for my first Practical Reasoning paper, I got 53/55; and a recent Maths test I did seemed pretty easy. But I'm not sure how I went with my presentation and write-up for The Scientific Revolution (didn't use too many sources) or, as I mentioned, the essay I just did for Media Ethics and Law. I'm glad they're over though. One more Reasoning exam and one more Scientific Revolution essay, then I'll have a week-long break (the 'I refuse to do anything other than sit on my ass and play GTA V' break :P). Found out today that all 4 of my final exams occur within the first 2 days of the exam period, which is... bullshit, to put it simply :P But I'll just have to work hard over that week and get shit done. If I keep doing as well as I am in Maths and Reasoning, I really only have to worry about studying for Media Ethics and Scientific Revolution. I figure that if I do well this semester, that'll help give me confidence, so I could definitely use the good marks (and I'll feel good if I study and do work on time anyway, lol).
Still waiting for the Performance Society to get back to me about performing, but in terms of material, I've got a lot of decent material lined up if I do get to perform. I took my laptop to uni and had a friend of mine read over some bits; she responded quite well, even pointing out one or two extra jokes I could include. This means my transition from purely-scripted stuff to kinda-scripted-kinda-improvised stuff will be nice and easy :)
I've also been thinking about approaches to ethics in romantic and sexual relationships, given both all the stuff on r/seduction I've been reading, and the essay I just did. I picked pornography for my essay topic, having to answer the question "Is pornography bad for sexual equality?" Reading the sources suggested to us by our lecturer, it seemed pretty obvious that porn does fuck with people's heads in ways they don't realise or understand, especially with regards to how men view women in terms of mere sex objects, and how women view themselves as needing to perform in certain sexual ways. Thing is, I've been watching porn since I was 13, but have hardly been affected by it (and the sources did make it clear that adolescent porn consumption is only one of many factors that influence teens' perspectives on sexuality).
To say my porn consumption has had no effect whatsoever would be a lie, but I've never thought girls were just things for me to fuck, I've never thought sexual violence or rape was even arousing, let alone acceptable, and until I was about 17 or 18, the acts normalised through porn (oral sex, anal sex, cumshots, etc.) didn't really feature in my personal fantasies. And speaking of those, my fantasies were usually these romantic, picturesque film sequences where both parties wanted to fuck each other and both parties enjoyed the sex. I dunno how I managed to keep thinking that way with all the porn I watched as a teenager, but alas, that's what most of my fantasies were like (and still are like). I wanted (and still want) to go out with girls, go on dates with them, hug and kiss them, talk with them, make love to them—who are these other dumbcunts who think porn is how sex is in real life? Do they think action movies are mirrors of reality too? Goddamn it, people are fucking gullible, man :P
Reading all the sources for the essay was just depressing. All this shit about how women are pressured to put out, then slut-shamed for putting out. The ones that do put out experience more depression and lower satisfaction; the ones that don't have a hard time getting any man's interest due to their being a 'prude'. Boyfriends showing their girlfriends hardcore, violent porn, convincing their girlfriend that they should totally do that shit. What the fuck is wrong with people >.< Granted, I've watched lots of educational stuff on sexuality too, videos on YouTube about consent, condom use, BDSM (just out of interest... I swear, seriously >.>), safe words, rape fantasies, a/bi/homosexuality—I don't know heaps, but I know more than the average person. And I'm certainly not some social conservative who thinks guys should only do it with their wife in missionary style just to procreate. It's just that people are so stupid that they see something on a screen, in a fictional universe, then apply that to reality like that's what they're supposed to do. It isn't.
And the body image shit, don't even get me started on the body image shit. Makes me want to smash advertisers' heads against brick walls. I remember when I was going out with my ex, one day we were walking home from the mall, and she said she was fat. I was astounded. This was the prettiest girl I knew, the fairest in all the land, telling me she was fat. I didn't get it. At all. I loved her size! She wasn't thin, but she wasn't fat—she was in the middle. I thought the fat on her body was normal, especially when compared to my complete lack of fat. Her body was amazing to me—and that was with her clothes on. God help her if I'd ever seen her naked. My dick would have asploded, man :P And obviously my feelings for her made her attractive in my eyes—beauty is in the eye of the beholder—but even today, I still think she looks good. I don't think about her sexually, but that doesn't stop me from thinking her body's attractive.
I wanna feel girls up and take their clothes off and lick them and eat them out and have them suck me off and fuck me—I definitely want to experience all that—but I want them to enjoy it. They'll have their own list of desires that I can fulfil, and fulfilling them will get me off because the look on their face and the sounds that they make when they're being pleasured are possibly the hottest fucking things on this planet. It creates this cognitive dissonance in me that, on one hand, women are their own people with their own decision-making capabilities, but on the other hand, I'm told they want men to take the lead, be the one with initiative, make bold moves... is that porn or is that how women normally are? If a woman likes it rough, fast, and hard, I'll do my best to be rough, fast and hard without being overzealous. But does she want that just cos some guy showed her porn and convinced her that's how this shit is supposed to go down, or cos she's a horny little bitch who genuinely wants a guy to fuck her brains out? How many women will respond positively to these things and how many won't? I dun knows :(
Why does having fun have to be such a bitch to justify, goddamn it :P
But getting back on track, I've been thinking about issues like hooking up, using certain seduction techniques to varying degrees (eg. initiating physical contact, shit tests, push-and-pull), talking about my (future) sexual experiences with girls on-stage, the telling of rape jokes to particular audiences—stuff like that. I don't really know if these could be stand-up routines cos, going through them in my head, they come off as boring. It seems more like something I'd write here. I dunno, I'll see where that goes.
I've been reading more on r/seduction, as I mentioned. It's interesting stuff, and reading people's field reports to assess what works and what doesn't is neat :) But while it does give me an urge to get out there, make me wanna interact with chicks, I know too well the confidence just isn't there yet. I can picture myself being the smoothest cat in my head, both arms around hot babes, talking to 'em like it's nothing; but that's cos I have an optimistic imagination, not cos I'm actually good at any of this :P
As for other uni stuff, my academic progress is kinda all over the place. For my first Discrete Mathematics assessment, I got 16/18; for my first Practical Reasoning paper, I got 53/55; and a recent Maths test I did seemed pretty easy. But I'm not sure how I went with my presentation and write-up for The Scientific Revolution (didn't use too many sources) or, as I mentioned, the essay I just did for Media Ethics and Law. I'm glad they're over though. One more Reasoning exam and one more Scientific Revolution essay, then I'll have a week-long break (the 'I refuse to do anything other than sit on my ass and play GTA V' break :P). Found out today that all 4 of my final exams occur within the first 2 days of the exam period, which is... bullshit, to put it simply :P But I'll just have to work hard over that week and get shit done. If I keep doing as well as I am in Maths and Reasoning, I really only have to worry about studying for Media Ethics and Scientific Revolution. I figure that if I do well this semester, that'll help give me confidence, so I could definitely use the good marks (and I'll feel good if I study and do work on time anyway, lol).
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
Brief Update: A Great Alternative to Writing an Essay Due in Twelve Hours
...seriously I dun wants to do it >.>
So, first and foremost, the plan! The plan to get out more and meet people and see the naked girls! Progress has been made:
See that? See that right there? That's Initiative™, here to save the day. Initiative™ will get you places. Initiative™ is your best friend. And Initiative™ can be yours for three easy payments of effort being put into achieving your Dreams™ (sold separately). Spoke with the president of the Society, gave him the link to my latest performance, guy said he'd pass it on to the executive peeps... fuckin' progress :)
I figure I'll just do the same material as I did in the video I sent, but I'll have to make some changes to it given that we've had a change of government recently, and the first half is rather political. That should be easy though—new government holds all the wrong ideals (like, all of them :P). I'm excited, though! It's been a while since I've performed, and I'm totally up for more. So yeah, first step taken :D
As for stuff that's actually happened, I've noticed I'm a little more comfortable in tutorials at uni now. There are two tutes where I actually talk with the people sitting next to me, not necessarily initiating conversation but at least joining in when it happens. The other tute does have me talking to the people sitting next to me, but it's always in a group work context (every worksheet in every tute is groupwork, at least under our tutor :P). Not that their input is entirely invalid—they do think of things I don't—but they slow me down so much that I get through ~20-25% of the sheet in the hour-long tute, and the rest in another hour at home. My fourth tute is one I'm happy to leave as it is, don't really care, lol.
Initiating conversation is still proving difficult, even in academic contexts. I wanted to talk to my MATH121 tutor about a question on an assignment we got back recently, but students were having a conversation with her. I figured I'd just follow and wait for an opening... I followed them for two minutes before I could get a word in :P I'm still not up to interrupting people, even if my needs are greater than theirs (they were just talking about random stuff). She was like "Oh, sorry! I didn't know you were there! What's up?" Well no fucking shit you didn't know I was there; I've been walking next to the person who's walking next to you, saying nothing as I waited for silence to emerge for so much as a second :P Gotta work on that.
And in terms of future events, I have an engagement party to go to in a few weeks time. First adult-ish social setting I'll have been in for a while, so it's a good opportunity to test myself. For this, I just wanna go and be comfortable. That's it: don't worry about initiating contact, don't worry about talking to girls or any other shit—just be comfortable. Just simple stuff, like if someone talks to me, trying to actually engage in a decent conversation rather than giving the bare minimum required to work it along; taking interest in what's being said around me and join in if possible; and leaving my phone in my goddamn pocket. No phone allowed. No phone >.< Phone can only be used for writing spur-of-the-moment jokes and girl's phone numbers... if I somehow... actually get that far by complete accident :P
My mum did say there'd be girls there, but this is an engagement party for someone who's at least 6 or 7 years older than me, so I'm not exactly getting my hopes up :P Maybe I'll see someone I like, but I don't want to aim too high and be disappointed. Beyond just being comfortable, I'll feel things out once I'm at the venue and make decisions from there—for now, I'm only interested in being comfortable and happy in a social setting. Achieving that would be pretty gud :)
Well, that's all for now. Back to my essay... :(
So, first and foremost, the plan! The plan to get out more and meet people and see the naked girls! Progress has been made:
See that? See that right there? That's Initiative™, here to save the day. Initiative™ will get you places. Initiative™ is your best friend. And Initiative™ can be yours for three easy payments of effort being put into achieving your Dreams™ (sold separately). Spoke with the president of the Society, gave him the link to my latest performance, guy said he'd pass it on to the executive peeps... fuckin' progress :)
I figure I'll just do the same material as I did in the video I sent, but I'll have to make some changes to it given that we've had a change of government recently, and the first half is rather political. That should be easy though—new government holds all the wrong ideals (like, all of them :P). I'm excited, though! It's been a while since I've performed, and I'm totally up for more. So yeah, first step taken :D
As for stuff that's actually happened, I've noticed I'm a little more comfortable in tutorials at uni now. There are two tutes where I actually talk with the people sitting next to me, not necessarily initiating conversation but at least joining in when it happens. The other tute does have me talking to the people sitting next to me, but it's always in a group work context (every worksheet in every tute is groupwork, at least under our tutor :P). Not that their input is entirely invalid—they do think of things I don't—but they slow me down so much that I get through ~20-25% of the sheet in the hour-long tute, and the rest in another hour at home. My fourth tute is one I'm happy to leave as it is, don't really care, lol.
Initiating conversation is still proving difficult, even in academic contexts. I wanted to talk to my MATH121 tutor about a question on an assignment we got back recently, but students were having a conversation with her. I figured I'd just follow and wait for an opening... I followed them for two minutes before I could get a word in :P I'm still not up to interrupting people, even if my needs are greater than theirs (they were just talking about random stuff). She was like "Oh, sorry! I didn't know you were there! What's up?" Well no fucking shit you didn't know I was there; I've been walking next to the person who's walking next to you, saying nothing as I waited for silence to emerge for so much as a second :P Gotta work on that.
And in terms of future events, I have an engagement party to go to in a few weeks time. First adult-ish social setting I'll have been in for a while, so it's a good opportunity to test myself. For this, I just wanna go and be comfortable. That's it: don't worry about initiating contact, don't worry about talking to girls or any other shit—just be comfortable. Just simple stuff, like if someone talks to me, trying to actually engage in a decent conversation rather than giving the bare minimum required to work it along; taking interest in what's being said around me and join in if possible; and leaving my phone in my goddamn pocket. No phone allowed. No phone >.< Phone can only be used for writing spur-of-the-moment jokes and girl's phone numbers... if I somehow... actually get that far by complete accident :P
My mum did say there'd be girls there, but this is an engagement party for someone who's at least 6 or 7 years older than me, so I'm not exactly getting my hopes up :P Maybe I'll see someone I like, but I don't want to aim too high and be disappointed. Beyond just being comfortable, I'll feel things out once I'm at the venue and make decisions from there—for now, I'm only interested in being comfortable and happy in a social setting. Achieving that would be pretty gud :)
Well, that's all for now. Back to my essay... :(
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Seduction: The Class that Never Existed
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Monday, 2 September 2013
Hooking Up: Please Take the Hook out of My Heart
Man, whirlwind of emotions right now. Hopefully I can make sense of all this.
About an hour ago, I found out that one of my friends hooked up with a guy for the first time. Upon seeing the words on the screen, it's as if the pixels formed a fist and punched me in the gut. It was not the best experience. I read from top to bottom; curiosity would not permit any detail to go unexamined. By the end, I was sweating, I was tense, and I was angry. This fucked with my head on quite a serious level.
After I read it, I got up and tried to calm myself verbally. "OK, man, calm down, it's OK. This doesn't concern you. This has nothing to do with you. Why do you care? Why do you care?" That question, however, only proceeded to make me even madder: why did I care? This is someone I haven't seen in months, getting with some dude I don't even know, all of which happened at an event I was not, and could not have been, invited to. What's the big deal? Why is this even remotely important?
Well, two answers to that question. The girl in question might still read this blog (I don't know anymore, to be honest), but the following facts stand, and I honestly don't give a shit if she knows what I'm about to say: I still find her attractive. This girl remains the hottest girl that I know; she has had that position for nearly two years now. It's not like if I see her in person, I'm trying to keep my dick soft. On those rare occasions when we do meet up, I can be around her and talk to her with no tension whatsoever. Earlier this year, though, the fantasising started again. I wrote this in a private journal entry back in late February:
So...
Problem #1: I was fucking jealous. Let's be honest: I wanted to be that guy. I wanted the pleasure of getting down and dirty with this woman. I've thought on more than one occasion "Man, what I'd give for it to be appropriate to just message her and say "I find your body fucking stunning and wanna hook up with you. I'm up for whatever gets you off. What do you say?"" But there really isn't a quicker way to creep her out, regardless of the fact that the answer is almost certainly no.
I mean, let's put me in this guy's shoes: let's say I'm at a club, looking at this woman on the dance floor. Would I be tempted? You fucking bet. I'd be wanting to go right up to her, up close and personal, feel her up, do what this guy did—the goddamn lot, so long as that's what felt right. I might even actually do it! I might even try my luck; the attraction is such that it could well trump my usual reluctance to approach a woman.
But you know what I'd rather have? The same attraction, but for any other woman in fucking existence. Is this girl hot? Fuck yeah, right up there at the top of the pile. But there's got to be someone hotter. There's just got to be! Someone, somewhere, some chick's gotta have a better rack, a bigger booty, a more beautiful face—hell, maybe even a personality I'm drawn to. Going back to the hypothetical dance floor, let's say this woman is dancing alone, having a good time, open minded; she's prime for the taking. Let's then put an equally attractive—even slightly less attractive—woman on the other side of the dance floor, having just as much fun, dancing alone but with space for someone else. So long as I find her sexy, you know what's gonna happen to the first woman? She will disappear. She will no longer exist, at least not as an object of lust.
I have wanted for so long to meet a woman who draws me like those in the past have, because only with that will I stop thinking about my friend this way. I'm a horny motherfucker, and I want a girl to get nasty with; it's that simple. But this means I need an outlet for my existing lust, and unfortunately, all I've got is someone I'm almost certainly not gonna make it with. If someone could take her place—either in the physical, "goddamn what I'd do to you if you just let me" sense, or in the romantic, "I really like you and maybe we could go see movies together and cuddle together on the couch and stuff :)" sense—the attractions of yesterday are shot, stabbed, dismembered, mutilated, and discarded. The old always makes way for the new, and it's one of the most fantastic feelings I can imagine. It's been so long since I've been attracted to someone new in either a physical or a romantic sense (or both) that I don't even know what it feels like anymore—but I remember its strength, most certainly.
So, where will such a woman come from?
Problem #2: I'm socially isolated and can't meet anyone anywhere. There's nowhere I go where I could even possibly meet new people! I've known this to be a problem for a while now, but at this point, it was like "You want to expand your social life? No, sorry, you need to expand your social life. It's not a choice anymore." And that's true: if I wanna get laid, or if I wanna go out with someone, find a girlfriend, I need to meet new people. At this point, it doesn't matter who I meet—anyone's better than no one. Men, women, who cares: I need more fucking friends :P
But how do I solve that problem? It's not easy, not when you're as isolated as I am. Stand-up is still the big flashing light in my head: I'm thinking more and more about that all the time, desire to perform ever-increasing. And I recently thought about just how potent it could be, cos it's not just me going on-stage, doing jokes, and leaving—I can talk to the audience whenever the fuck I want! I can ask them questions, begin exchanges, and make jokes about the conversation all at the same time, Dara O'Briain style. That can be my way of starting conversations! I talk about how fucking hard it is to talk to people off-stage, but I'm pretty sure I can pull that off on-stage without too much trouble. Might as well make use of the energy and confidence while I have it.
What about other situations? Not as sure. My mum keeps telling me to go to the UniBar alone, just... go... what? Seriously, do people do that? Are there really teetotallers who go to bars alone to talk to strangers? That's on the opposite end of the fear-scale: that's fucking frightening :P Same with clubs: am I really gonna be comfortable going to a club alone? I don't know what the deal is! I need someone to go to these places with, someone to show me the ropes, let me know what's up. I'm pretty sure no one I know would take me to a club (not close enough friends with the girl I speak of here to get an invite), but the bar's a possibility, I suppose. Not sure how people will react to me not wanting to drink alcohol, but if I can improvise on-stage, I can improvise off-stage; I can come up with answers there and then.
As disturbing as the entry was (seriously, 'too much information' is an understatement, and this is coming from someone who talks about hardcore porn on-stage :P), this has had a positive effect too. This has reinvigorated my desire to fix this social problem I have. I mean, apparently, you're allowed to do all these things I was reading about! I'm allowed to dance with a girl at a club, I'm allowed to put my hand up her skirt, I'm allowed to touch her boobs, grind against her, make out with her—that's fucking legal, so long as she's cool with it. It's legal. Like, it's allowed. WHY WAS I NOT TOLD THIS EARLIER GOD FUCKING DAMNIT >.< I've been thinking that's creepy guy shit, stuff only the freaks do. But it's acceptable? And some of them like it? They think it's sexy? It makes 'em wet? THIS SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS. You've really let me down, Department of Education, you really fucking have!
...hyperbole aside :P, this stuff isn't as bad or out-of-line as previously thought. Hell, it's the only way I'm gonna hook up with a girl at all, by the looks of it: by doing all these things! Actually having the balls to do it is another thing, but the real issue is first approaching the girl. As frightening as it is, once I'm talking/dancing with 'em, it only gets easier from there. And if I'm doing any one of those things, I'm gonna get hard; and if I get hard, the dick more-or-less takes over and confidence becomes a non-issue :P Once I'm gunning for their pants, all that's gonna stop me is a 'no'... or maybe a punch from her boyfriend who was away for a few minutes, but we can deal with that at the time. :)
In all honesty, I'd still rather find a girl to have a crush on and ask out—it's less intense, more low key, and I prefer romantic feelings to pure physical ones. But hooking up appears to be a way more viable option now, more than it was before, anyway.
About an hour ago, I found out that one of my friends hooked up with a guy for the first time. Upon seeing the words on the screen, it's as if the pixels formed a fist and punched me in the gut. It was not the best experience. I read from top to bottom; curiosity would not permit any detail to go unexamined. By the end, I was sweating, I was tense, and I was angry. This fucked with my head on quite a serious level.
After I read it, I got up and tried to calm myself verbally. "OK, man, calm down, it's OK. This doesn't concern you. This has nothing to do with you. Why do you care? Why do you care?" That question, however, only proceeded to make me even madder: why did I care? This is someone I haven't seen in months, getting with some dude I don't even know, all of which happened at an event I was not, and could not have been, invited to. What's the big deal? Why is this even remotely important?
Well, two answers to that question. The girl in question might still read this blog (I don't know anymore, to be honest), but the following facts stand, and I honestly don't give a shit if she knows what I'm about to say: I still find her attractive. This girl remains the hottest girl that I know; she has had that position for nearly two years now. It's not like if I see her in person, I'm trying to keep my dick soft. On those rare occasions when we do meet up, I can be around her and talk to her with no tension whatsoever. Earlier this year, though, the fantasising started again. I wrote this in a private journal entry back in late February:
"I don't feel horny or uncomfortable in the slightest when I'm near her, which is good. I've seen her twice in the previous week, and I spoke to her like I did to everyone else. Thing is, I'm starting to look at her again, and that is something I don't want to do. It was the first time I'd seen her with short brown hair, and it looked good on her, great even. The next day, she wore a short-sleeved grey top with jeans, and I couldn't resist looking at her for a little while. I just sat there looking at her arm as it rested. Her arms are beautiful: perfect size, perfect tone—just lovely :) I didn't gawk for too long ... but I still indulged for a while."Her physical side didn't really tempt me too much last year, but this year, it's slowly managed to captivate me again. I don't stalk her on Facebook or read her blog very often (I certainly don't go looking for shit like this to read :P), but lately, I've been finding her body desirable once more.
So...
Problem #1: I was fucking jealous. Let's be honest: I wanted to be that guy. I wanted the pleasure of getting down and dirty with this woman. I've thought on more than one occasion "Man, what I'd give for it to be appropriate to just message her and say "I find your body fucking stunning and wanna hook up with you. I'm up for whatever gets you off. What do you say?"" But there really isn't a quicker way to creep her out, regardless of the fact that the answer is almost certainly no.
I mean, let's put me in this guy's shoes: let's say I'm at a club, looking at this woman on the dance floor. Would I be tempted? You fucking bet. I'd be wanting to go right up to her, up close and personal, feel her up, do what this guy did—the goddamn lot, so long as that's what felt right. I might even actually do it! I might even try my luck; the attraction is such that it could well trump my usual reluctance to approach a woman.
But you know what I'd rather have? The same attraction, but for any other woman in fucking existence. Is this girl hot? Fuck yeah, right up there at the top of the pile. But there's got to be someone hotter. There's just got to be! Someone, somewhere, some chick's gotta have a better rack, a bigger booty, a more beautiful face—hell, maybe even a personality I'm drawn to. Going back to the hypothetical dance floor, let's say this woman is dancing alone, having a good time, open minded; she's prime for the taking. Let's then put an equally attractive—even slightly less attractive—woman on the other side of the dance floor, having just as much fun, dancing alone but with space for someone else. So long as I find her sexy, you know what's gonna happen to the first woman? She will disappear. She will no longer exist, at least not as an object of lust.
I have wanted for so long to meet a woman who draws me like those in the past have, because only with that will I stop thinking about my friend this way. I'm a horny motherfucker, and I want a girl to get nasty with; it's that simple. But this means I need an outlet for my existing lust, and unfortunately, all I've got is someone I'm almost certainly not gonna make it with. If someone could take her place—either in the physical, "goddamn what I'd do to you if you just let me" sense, or in the romantic, "I really like you and maybe we could go see movies together and cuddle together on the couch and stuff :)" sense—the attractions of yesterday are shot, stabbed, dismembered, mutilated, and discarded. The old always makes way for the new, and it's one of the most fantastic feelings I can imagine. It's been so long since I've been attracted to someone new in either a physical or a romantic sense (or both) that I don't even know what it feels like anymore—but I remember its strength, most certainly.
So, where will such a woman come from?
Problem #2: I'm socially isolated and can't meet anyone anywhere. There's nowhere I go where I could even possibly meet new people! I've known this to be a problem for a while now, but at this point, it was like "You want to expand your social life? No, sorry, you need to expand your social life. It's not a choice anymore." And that's true: if I wanna get laid, or if I wanna go out with someone, find a girlfriend, I need to meet new people. At this point, it doesn't matter who I meet—anyone's better than no one. Men, women, who cares: I need more fucking friends :P
But how do I solve that problem? It's not easy, not when you're as isolated as I am. Stand-up is still the big flashing light in my head: I'm thinking more and more about that all the time, desire to perform ever-increasing. And I recently thought about just how potent it could be, cos it's not just me going on-stage, doing jokes, and leaving—I can talk to the audience whenever the fuck I want! I can ask them questions, begin exchanges, and make jokes about the conversation all at the same time, Dara O'Briain style. That can be my way of starting conversations! I talk about how fucking hard it is to talk to people off-stage, but I'm pretty sure I can pull that off on-stage without too much trouble. Might as well make use of the energy and confidence while I have it.
What about other situations? Not as sure. My mum keeps telling me to go to the UniBar alone, just... go... what? Seriously, do people do that? Are there really teetotallers who go to bars alone to talk to strangers? That's on the opposite end of the fear-scale: that's fucking frightening :P Same with clubs: am I really gonna be comfortable going to a club alone? I don't know what the deal is! I need someone to go to these places with, someone to show me the ropes, let me know what's up. I'm pretty sure no one I know would take me to a club (not close enough friends with the girl I speak of here to get an invite), but the bar's a possibility, I suppose. Not sure how people will react to me not wanting to drink alcohol, but if I can improvise on-stage, I can improvise off-stage; I can come up with answers there and then.
As disturbing as the entry was (seriously, 'too much information' is an understatement, and this is coming from someone who talks about hardcore porn on-stage :P), this has had a positive effect too. This has reinvigorated my desire to fix this social problem I have. I mean, apparently, you're allowed to do all these things I was reading about! I'm allowed to dance with a girl at a club, I'm allowed to put my hand up her skirt, I'm allowed to touch her boobs, grind against her, make out with her—that's fucking legal, so long as she's cool with it. It's legal. Like, it's allowed. WHY WAS I NOT TOLD THIS EARLIER GOD FUCKING DAMNIT >.< I've been thinking that's creepy guy shit, stuff only the freaks do. But it's acceptable? And some of them like it? They think it's sexy? It makes 'em wet? THIS SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS. You've really let me down, Department of Education, you really fucking have!
...hyperbole aside :P, this stuff isn't as bad or out-of-line as previously thought. Hell, it's the only way I'm gonna hook up with a girl at all, by the looks of it: by doing all these things! Actually having the balls to do it is another thing, but the real issue is first approaching the girl. As frightening as it is, once I'm talking/dancing with 'em, it only gets easier from there. And if I'm doing any one of those things, I'm gonna get hard; and if I get hard, the dick more-or-less takes over and confidence becomes a non-issue :P Once I'm gunning for their pants, all that's gonna stop me is a 'no'... or maybe a punch from her boyfriend who was away for a few minutes, but we can deal with that at the time. :)
In all honesty, I'd still rather find a girl to have a crush on and ask out—it's less intense, more low key, and I prefer romantic feelings to pure physical ones. But hooking up appears to be a way more viable option now, more than it was before, anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)