Confusion: When Will These Birds Piss Off!?

Yeah... here I go about my fancy again :P Considering I saw her no more than 24 hours ago, however, it seems almost appropriate. As for this week's evidence as to this attraction being not as unrequited as it could be, let us delve: my arrival at the writing session was met with another direct greeting from her. That's the same thing done twice. Consistency is a good sign, no? The real catcher for me was actually a silent pair of moments: eye contact. Eye contact! Yes, it only lasted a few seconds, and yes, it may have been (a.k.a was probably :P) coincidental, but everything must be taken in to account here. I find this girl unusual in her reactions to my "noticing" of her seeming habits - I look back to when I used to ogle a girl I liked during class time, more specifically the instances of turning my head straight away if I even thought she was going to catch me staring. This girl didn't budge! If my eyes met the girl in the previous scenario, I'd do the ol' "stare at the ground in front of you to make it look like you're thinking about something really hard" look; it's a skill I've since mastered :P On the other hand, this girl just... keeps looking! Is she slow? Is her reaction time impaired? Was she looking at someone else? I could have sworn!

What's even more confusing is how I'm acting - and, if I'm acting, I'm not being myself, which is no help at all considering the circumstances :P As I said, she didn't even blink or bat her (lovely :D) eyelids in either occurrence. Guess who did: me! My eyes wander; they're adventurous bastards, always looking for more. I make a sustained effort to not lock my sockets on my fancy; an effort that stems from the basic logic that she'll get creeped right the fuck out if she sees me staring her down :P I get the odd glimpse here and there, but nothing lasting longer than a second or so - the clips can be joined later during editing. On both occasions where our eyes met, it was I who made the unintentional look, and I who looked away first! What the fuck is up with that!? Is she mesmerised by me or something!? That doesn't make sense - I'm ugly! I'm the ugliest motherfucker in the room! I'm mesmerised by her, but that's understandable because she's attractive! How ironic: the beautiful woman is intentionally ignored by the lazy slob, while the lazy slob is secretly admired by the beautiful woman... an ironic theory at the very least :P

The real confusion was only to begin after the session was over, as I decided to walk with this girl for a while, as we travel in the same direction for a kilometre or so before heading our separate ways - you don't need a secret GPS chip when you can simply trail behind 50 metres or so and take mental notes. The previous week, she walked with one other person -- another girl -- which would have been perfect seeing as there's someone she's already friends with there to help the social vibe along; I wouldn't have had to do anything but join in! It doesn't work so well, however, when there are two girls accompanying the lady on her way home! We all know women are powerful beings on their own, but by God do they become something else as a team! Once they start, they will never ever ever stop talking until they disband! If you're a guy tagging along with them, you're just along for the ride, and it's not a fun ride :P It's impossible to get a word in, seeing as not only do they persistently talk and leave no room for you to speak, but the subject manner changes at such a pace so that the moment you do think of something to say, it's irrelevant!

This is why I need contact details: to cut the other misfits out of the goddamned picture and get some quality one-on-one time with this girl! I don't give a fuck about the means of communication, nor do I give a fuck about what we talk about; I just want some conversation! The butterflies have taken my stomach hostage, and they demand some vigorous and enthralling communication or they ain't goin' nowhere! That's the thing, though: how do I get contact details without fucking everything up and giving myself away!? I can't just ask straight out of the blue -- that's a recipe for disaster, especially with the other two girls around -- but when can I ask? This is the sort of shit one normally does when they first meet someone, not months and months later! The thing is, that if she does like me... she's probably thinking the same thing, and waiting for me to make the first move! Perhaps I'll just have to wait and hope for the perfect opportunity to arise where asking will fit the mood and won't be awkward...

... these butterflies look impatient though... especially that one...

Value: Your Mileage May Vary

Awhile back, I wrote about how most (male) teens don't know what a "friend" is. I stand behind that - they're fucking clueless on the subject :P Having said that, however, it's not just friendship for which the street definition varies between demographics. This is a frequent encounter of mine (and probably yours too) in the consumer world: you've probably been browsing in a store or through some form of media, to stumble upon something with a sticker price you internally define as "way too expensive!" or "a fucking bargain!" I find this quite puzzling, because currency is supposed to define value, yet we have different perceptions about how much value said currency actually has! The company defines a product's monetary value, but you will go right ahead and define its value again using an internal measurement system based on what this product can do for you as a customer.

In this world of rapidly advancing technology, it takes a fuckload to drop our jaws to the ground in awe. 50 years ago, television was broadcast without colour; no colours! None! You'd smack your TV silly if the shit you watch came up in black and white, irrespective of whether or not the program you're watching was originally filmed in black and white (and, chances are, if it was filmed in black and white, you ain't watching what I'd call "shit" :P) That feature of media has lost its value because it's commonplace, with its position as the standard removing its former luster in television's history. Today, if it isn't a widescreen, hi-def, 3D flat-panel with built in DVD and PVR, it ain't worth taking home. I remember having a tiny CRT TV in my room with only one speaker - and hence only one audio input - and how much of a luxury it was to take my PS2 to the other TV in our house: the one with two speakers! I could plug the white pin and the red pin in to the AV input! Holy shit! Today, a 32" 1080p LCD TV with a built in digital tuner and 4 HDMI inputs sits in my bedroom, and if you've ever played a PS2 on both a CRT and a flat panel, you'll know just what "better" technology does to a system not built for the screen you're playing it on :P

As I was saying before, however, this same lack of consistency exists in the social world in abundance.What most teens consider to a friend I consider an acquaintance, but even then, I value friends a lot more than most people simply because I don't have many. I'm not even sure if I the amount of people I even know is on par with the amount of friends my friends have. Who I consider to be my best friend may, in fact, be my only friend at this point - at least the only one I know in real life - and there aren't too many people I maintain regular contact with over the internet either, irrespective of their demographic. A few days back, the best friend I mentioned earlier went with me to see a movie, which got me thinking about the last time someone who wasn't my (ex :P) girlfriend invited me anywhere... and I actually failed to recall that information! I could not remember the last social outing I went on! This friend of mine probably goes out with his friends at least one a week, and I actually have trouble remembering my previous activity! As he was using his phone to browse the internet, he asked "don't you hate it when your signal drops out randomly while browsing like that?" My phone has never dropped out while browsing because my phone can't browse the Internet :P Why buy something I'm not going to use! I seldom go out, so I see no reason to replace my 5 year old handset. It probably doesn't even know what the Internet is.

Going a bit further back, I recall going to a relative's 18th and seeing just how many friends this motherfucker had in the house at the same time! I've never seen this many people this age before outside an educational context in my life, yet he probably considers this to be the norm! I was there only by blood, not by mateship... was there even a point to me being there? I don't drink alcohol and I don't talk unless I'm comfortable... which in this case means being pissed out of your head :P I considered it a waste of my time as I sat there playing Tetris, even though that's what I would have been doing anyway :P I don't think I value time at all, seeing as I waste so much of it. I value friends more than anything in this world, yet I think social activity is worthless... doesn't quite add up, does it? I look down on partying as a meaningless excuse for celebrating Western excess and group inebriation, yet I've never been to a party and hence am completely unfamiliar with the atmosphere. Even the girl that I've been talking about, the one that I'm liking so much, is (according to what I've heard) a socialite! If something sparks between us, shit's gonna hit the fan - my fan. I'm just far more comfortable in front of a screen with some buttons to press, where I treasure the things I value: games, writing, comedy and solitude.

I suppose 2 is my perfect number: only one other person to interact with. They're all yours, and you're all theirs. Their status as a friend, chum, pal, colleague, or my other half doesn't matter to me - so long as we're having a good time, who cares? Another one or two people is sometimes nice - especially with a controller for each one :P - but that one-on-one scenario comes with the most contact and the least interference. Having said that, though, there's that wild feeling you get when you're around what you determine as "a lot of people." Being a performer, I guess having hundreds of people around me is only an issue if I'm among them :P I love getting up in front of crowds and being a funny bastard, but only if I'm given the floor, otherwise it's just daunting, not to mention the fact that it would make me look like a total arsehole. There's something else I value highly: stage time, once again because I hardly get any :P Perhaps I have to chase these things I value so highly, but how do I go about it? Do I raise my internal value of the things I love to give me more incentive, or do I lower their value to make them seem not so far away?

... crap... more questions I can't answer.

Answers: I Can Has?

Well well well, if it isn't... Tuesday. Time for that heart filled entry about how I don't know what the fuck is going on! My attraction to this fancy of mine has now reached a whole new level of complexity due to my over-analysis of the situation; it just gets worse and worse and worse with each encounter. You sit there wanting to pour your heart and soul on to the table for her to see, so everything can be cleared up and you can get a straight "yes" or "no" answer to that all important question, but nothing compels you to do it! Then you begin to question everything... again! "Do I really like her?" "Is she really the one for me?" "Was I just fooling myself all this time?" And you're a practical guy, so whaddaya do? You try to answer these questions! Here are three questions you're never gonna answer by yourself, but you'll try! You'll go all night pondering these puppies! You fool yourself in to thinking you'll get more information... but all you just end up with more questions! "Well, if she is the one for me, why am I stalling?" "If she liked me, surely she would have said so by now... right?" "Maybe she's taken! Is it even right to disturb her potential bliss?"

I think I'm used to her look now, so that initial physical thrill has worn off for the most part. Don't get me wrong: I could look at her for so much as a second and lose track of time, but that ":O there she is! She looks so good! Wow! Holy crap! WOAH! :D" sensation isn't anywhere near as potent. I don't know if that means my maturity is kicking in and looking for substance - which I definitely want to find - or if my penis is broken :P Poor bastard: he has to live off a video feed from up top... little bugger won't be seeing the flesh of another any time soon, as much as I'd love for him to meet my fancy in person :P What we need is conversation: words going to and fro; a verbal tennis match; anything, damn it! Anything! It's impossible to get a word in under the circumstances and it kills me! I find myself wanting to manipulate a task to my own bent desire by explaining everything through scripted drama and reading it aloud just so she can get informed! Hey, I've done it before: I once used an English speech to tell 30 people about a girl I'd liked for years. You think orgasms feel nice? It's nothing like the release I had, nothing. I got nearly perfect marks too, purely for the shock value :D

This is the problem with liking someone in an educational setting: there's no time for chit chat! Not a fucking second is there to be "wasted." God forbid I meet someone who I can spend (at least part of) my future with and therefore have incentive to prepare for said future! I know the process here and I can't progress without verbal interaction, simply because I've got all I'm gonna get staring at her; it's a fun but ultimately pointless exercise in determination to see how long you can look at someone before they notice :P I need data to process! Real, genuine data, not that vague shit one can contemplate for hours on end; I have enough of that as it stands! Like this, for instance: you know how in a class, when everyone is going to present their work one at a time, sometimes no one wants to go first? Then the awkward silence kicks in as everyone waits for someone else to break it... it happens when no one is truly proud of their work and no one is willing to be the first one to fail. Anyway, it's silent for a moment... then out of nowhere, my fancy addresses me by name and asks me to go first! That's a sign of something, damn it!

Let's do some math: over the course of a few weeks, this girl has said hello to me, complimented my (shitty) handwriting for no apparent reason, and is seemingly interested in my writing... a careful plot, or a mere coincidence? Her choice, or her character? ... ... I got nothin'! It's too open! I now need to examine her mind... to pick at it and survey the landscape. And, as much as I need her to talk to me, I also need to talk to her, to see if her potential interest remains, grows or dwindles after contact. So long as I don't talk about how many games I've beaten or my Minesweeper remake, it should be OK; that shit can come later :P Methinks she isn't the type to play those kinds of games, for all I've seen her play so far are mind games, and fuck me, she is good at them. A good 10-15 minutes of talkity-talk will do endless good.

Now I've just gotta find a spare 10-15 minutes lying around somewhere...

> . >

< . <

Egotism: Drop It

Let's face it: people are arseholes. There exists not a soul out there who isn't out for self; all we have are those people who make a strong effort to ditch their inner arsehole. The internet is, at times, little more than a tool people can use to shovel shit on an international scale. We all think we're better, we all think we're stronger, and we all think we're entitled to more and more; I think we've got a problem here. You can probably think of multiple instances where you have either been subjected to blatant vanity, or have been the vain one yourself. We see superiority when we see something different to what we are, have, or believe in, as we instantly focus on the (supposed) positives of our own ways while emphasising the negatives of whatever the other person is, has or thinks. It's this kind of selective and exclusionary thinking that abuses the exposition as a form of expression, because we only pick what will support our case rather than what will support, simply, a resolution. We think the goal of arguing is to prove that we're right, not that someone is right, and when people don't back down when they're beat, that's when all hell breaks loose.

This has been going on since humanity started: one group thinks and acts one way, another group thinks and acts another way, then both groups set up armies, meet in the middle and try to wipe each other out. You just have to look to Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Tunisia, Yemen, Israel & Palestine, advertising, celebrities and the school yard to see this in practise. The country I live in wouldn't exist as it does if the British hadn't have thought so highly of themselves! The only reason they're here is because they ran out of room in their own country to store prisoners - if you stole so much as a loaf of bread, and you were caught, that was yo' ass - and so they stole procured an entire continent to deal with the overreaction decline of human morals in their country. The indigenous peoples of this country had been here for about 50,000 years before colonisation, and the British ran in to and killed plenty as they developed this country in to what it is today, under the reasoning that the land was "terra nullius," or the "land of no one." That, ladies and gentlemen, is pure and unadulterated egotism: "we think we're better than you, so much so that we don't think you qualify as human. We're now going to do with your land what we please. Cheerio!"

The internet is, of course, full of it too. Just today, I was reading my YouTube comments and came across an astoundingly pompous individual who commented on the Windows: LBP Edition video I uploaded at the end of last year. This is one of the most viewed, if not the most viewed, recording of a LittleBigPlanet 2 BETA level, and for good reason: it shocked people with just how far people were taking the level editor. See, I'm just as bad: I just had to mention that it's the "most viewed" video, rather than just saying it got lots of views (which, after looking at the hit count for my other videos, is true :P) As I was saying, it got lots of attention, and with that attention came a lot of praise. People were spreading it because they thought it was good and that others should see it; it was a technical achievement no on saw coming. Then this guy comes along and says "Not actually that amazing!" going on to describe an e-mail system he supposedly made in the original LittleBigPlanet. In a 2nd comment, he took what he said back (which is pathetic in itself,) but claimed that in a few months, he "shall be your competitor!" "your" referring to the authors of the level.

... what is this I don't even... seriously, what the fuck? It's LittleBigPlanet! You make levels... for fun... to share! Why is this douche turning it in to a competition? I mean, he was outdone for starters: creating an e-mail system is nothing compared to creating an entire operating system! E-mail systems go inside operating systems; his level would have been a mere feature in the acclaimed creation! But, to then go ahead and say "I'll fight you!" in an aspect of the game that has no outright competitive purpose is ridiculous! It doesn't surprise me after looking at the username, though: it had "1999" on the end, which means I can safely assume he's only 11-12 years old, and 11-12 year-olds are really, really big arseholes simply by nature. I saw some other kid claiming he cleared Chimpanzee's "Pegged" level with 3 balls remaining... and? What do I care? What does anyone care?

Sometimes, you have to be egotistical! It's part of the task at hand! Writing a resume or CV is the perfect example: how do you write one without being a totally self important twat? You can't! The whole point of a CV or resume is to make yourself look better than all the other people writing CV's and resumes! You're advertising yourself, slowly becoming nothing more than a product that can write its achievements on paper. It's hard to write them, too! For some reason, when you go to write one... you stop being an arsehole! You actually stop to consider the other four or five poor bastards whose livelihoods and families you could destroy by going through with this! It's the worst time for it to happen. Sometimes other people are egotistical for you! They announce something "wonderful" or "terrific" that you've done and make you look like an even bigger arsehole! And, if it's in the workplace, you've already had to show your CV or resume, and now they've been told this! Now, you're the biggest arsehole in the building!

Yeah... we're just a big bunch of arseholes... it's the ones with their pants down that get to me :P

Oligarchy: Go Fuck Yourself

Being part of an education system means being subjected to a seemingly endless tirade of dictation and exertion, especially in those final few years. It’s not the worst place one can be, but it’s far from any environment I’d seek refuge in. Some schools are more laid back than others, being paradise compared to the prisons that exist only a few kilometres afar, but the schooling system is all being levelled out so that no matter where you go to school, you will have the same freedom as everyone else: almost none. There is a program being undertaken in our state (perhaps our entire country) to build fences around anything labelled a “school.” I’m not talking fences that mark borders or make it clear to a child where the boundaries are, because those fences already exist. I’m talking about the 10ft high variety you would typically fashion around a penitentiary, and though they may not be as electric as those surrounding inmates, they’re just as confining and symbolic. My school already has buildings painted in a dull, uninspiring shade of grey, hundreds of students wearing uniforms, and even bars on the back of particular windows; does my school need to look any more like a fucking prison? Why don’t they make chains and shackles part of the dress code too while they’re at it?

This, however, is one of the more overt manners in which the government exercises their power, and to some degree, it makes sense. Primary school children, for instance, can easily hop over some of the fences I had around my primary school, chase their ball on to the road, get hit by a four wheel drive and end up 20 metres down the road. I don’t 100% agree with such over-protectionism, but I can at least understand the justification. I go to a school where there’s a student parking lot; we have the mental ability to drive cars, but not to cross the road without being hit? That doesn’t add up, at all. And don’t try to con me in to thinking they put the fence up to protect the school’s property; the school has no property worth protecting (and no, the students are not the school’s property :P) There are a million and one ways in which the state exercises power over its subjects, and that is just one of them.

If school is a prison, then the teachers are the guards, and the principal is the warden.  Their job is not just to teach, but to discipline. The issue here is that you are disciplined for doing “wrong” where what is “wrong” is dictated by the warden; their prison, their rules. For example, the principal is the one who determines when we are supposed to be studying. In a school, studying means learning what the teachers are trying to teach you, not the more general form you’ll find in the dictionary. As a writer, I use a lot of the “study time” we have to write things that have sweet fuck all to do with what teachers are shovelling down my throat, which means I am breaking the rules… but what if I want to become a writer? Surely, my writing is doing far more for my future than the study of other subject matter ever will. I am evidently not shaken by my school’s doublespeak :P

So, how is anyone else persuaded to follow the order of the day? Simple: fear. That’s how any power structure works: the higher-ups manipulate the world below them to put the commoners in a position where they have something to lose. They give them just enough to fuss over, but not enough to contain that fuss. In this case, fears of a “bad future” (which, according to these motherfuckers, is “not having a piece of paper that says you’re good at something” >.>) are what lead people to do what they’re told; they believe it’s in their best interests. I believe it’s in my best interest to fuck these people over and use their resources for my own personal gain.

This is where the discipline comes in: more than ever before, your student record has an effect on your employment prospects. If you’re the goody two shoes who never steps out of line, eats an apple every day, and consistently scores high in exams (A.K.A if you’ve submitted to the pressures of the system and have lost the will to think for yourself – there’s two ways to look at everything :P) you’ve got a “good” future ahead of you. When I say “good,” I really mean “comfortable.” Things won’t go wrong for you, at least hypothetically; you’ve got certificates and qualifications a mile high to fall back on. You’ll meet the perfect partner, have 2 children, buy a house in suburbia and live a life numb to challenge and real discourse. That’s why you listen when that teacher says “Have you got work to do?” The answer is never “No”, but the real question is “How will this doing this work help me in the future?” Talk back to any motherfucker who abuses their position to patronise you. If they say talking back is “wrong,” that means discussion is “wrong,” and that just ain’t right.

If you want to rebel, then go right ahead! So long as you’re willing to accept liability for your actions, you can do anything. It’s finding the right way to protest where the challenge lies. You have to be different to stand out, but sometimes, the simplest method is the best one. Demand justification for anything you don’t understand. Some teacher gives you shit? Throw it back at ‘em! Use your intellect to psyche them out; it may take a bit of preparation beforehand, but it’s the best way to go about it. Learning about language and how to manipulate it in order to get a response is one of the smartest things you can do if you want to fight someone. Your fists will get you nowhere, as will unexpressed thought. The school system is just opening doors for you; jump out a window and have some fun! If you think curricular study will give you a good life, then keep that up; loving school is, by chance, a far better attitude to have if you want or need the system to get somewhere or something. But, if you hate your school and its attitude, and can explain your reasoning, then get up and say something.

Fuck with the system; it’s not there to be fucked with, but it does happen to be very fuckable :P

Revenge: A Dish Best Served with a Side Order of Concrete

Having been through the vast majority of my school life, I've gotten through relatively unscathed, at least as far as bullying and attacks are concerned. I've never been beaten in my life; I've been smacked a few times for not going to bed on time, but who hasn't :P My arse-whoopings are nothing compared to some I've seen and heard about. I have, however, been a victim of bullying in my early school life. I recall very vividly one incident where my food was stolen and thrown in a toilet. Needless to say, that shit's fucked up :P To make it even worse (even though it went over my head at the time) I'm fairly sure the kid who told me my food had been thrown in a toilet was the one who did it; I'd had no previous contact with him, so how else was he to know I was the owner of the food was unless he'd seen me with it? The fact that he was evidently a few years up from me (well, in school years, anyway; I'd have beaten the shit out of him in terms of mental capacity :P) contributes to the theory, but unfortunately, that's what it will forever remain... until some Back to the Future fan takes things way too far :P

Then you get shit like this:



Irrespective of what your opinion is as to what happened, let's look at this in an objective manner: Kid A was pissing Kid B off for a considerable amount of time. Kid B reached his breaking point, picked Kid A up and threw him face first in to a slab of concrete. This is just to separate the facts from the reporting; if I'm not mistaken, Ten News failed to show any responses openly panning Kid B's retaliation. This is unusual because that could mean they're trying to promote fighting back, even though I expect our media outlets to (subversively) promote submission out of self interest. Speaking of self-interest, Channel Ten sure did make the Education Minister look like one dumb motherfucker; schools are not one of the safest parts of our community, whether this kid got thrown or not. May I remind you that Channel Ten leans towards the conservative political agenda in this country, and the Education Minister is from the other side of the political spectrum, so she could have actually said more relevant shit that was worth broadcasting only to fall victim to subvert corporate slander. Or, maybe the editor's just a damned good troll :P

Seriously though, how can you trust a bunch of uneducated and emotionally sensitive human beings to make a safe environment? You don't just learn how to spell and count in school; you also learn how to deal with people who are fucking you around, and what you saw is just one of many methods available. What's amazing is that after further reading on the subject, the kid who was throwing the punches was in Year 7 (12-13 years old,) and the kid who was throwing the kid who was throwing the punches was in Year 10 (15-16 years old!) Hopefully the sevvie learned not to fuck with people twice his size unless he wanted to become a projectile in motion :P It reminds me of the bullfighting they do in Spain; you taunt that bull for long enough, and it will come at you with enough force to send each half of your body to different sides of the arena.

As far as I'm concerned, the younger kid got what was coming to him. I'm all for ironic punishment like that. Yes, some may see it as the victim being "no better than the offender," but there's no quicker way to make someone realise what you put them through by putting them through that same pain. Fuck that kid; he's just another unintelligent, unenlightened and undeserving stigma in our already polluted education system. Seriously, someone should take a mathematics textbook and shove it right up his arse. Use one of the senior text books; they're thicker, much thicker :P Use him as a pinata at the next school expo. Use him as a crash test dummy for driver education. Use him like he used his victim to cover up his own insecurities. I'd love to run up in to his school with a few chums armed with baseball bats, and just chase him, just to scare the shit out of him. A kid in high school has been around long enough to have the decency not to engage in senseless violent activity, so most of the responsibility lays on him here.

But, although I can't be certain, not all of it may. The sevvie's parents want the Year 10 kid to apologise! What the fuck for!? Your kid was punching him in the face and treating him like dog-shit for an extended period of time... he picked your kid up and threw him to the ground... seems about even to me! It's too late for apologies anyway, from both sides. Move on, you stupid motherfuckers! Be thankful that your children went through this at a stage in their life when their learning ability is still high and they could appreciate the lesson they've learned, instead of getting beaten by a gang when they're in their 30s and committing suicide. The parents could just be looking to get the blame off their backs, perhaps because they know how poorly they've raised this son of theirs and that their actions are actually the reasoning behind all this. Either stay out of it, or cop some of the blame; looking for retribution in an issue you aren't part of is just sad. The same could be said for the parents of the older kid too; he should know not to do what he did, but he fuckin' did it anyway! At least they aren't asking for compensation they don't deserve.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some baseball bats to acquire.

Perversion: The Drug That Keeps on Giving

Being the age I am, certain mindsets tend to take control at times. For a number of years now, I have been somewhat obsessed with the physical nature of women; no more obsessed than any other man, but still curious to such a degree that I find myself thinking about the feminine physique far too often. Of course, I’m not looking for an answer as much as I’m looking for more questions: “what does that part of her look/feel/taste like?” I’ve come to realise that sometimes I’m just one sick motherfucker :P In a monologue I wrote recently, I directly implied that my character wanted to suck the nipples of the girl he desired… where the fuck did that idea come from? My own fantasy!? I don’t remember fantasising about that! That’s messed up, man! What’s worse is that I then turned that joke in to the punch-line! I don’t think lust or sex (or anything else) is off limits to the word, written or spoken, but I have to question my inspiration for that particular set of lines :P I was pissing myself laughing at the possible effect those lines could have on an audience; call me arrogant, but if I don’t think the jokes are funny, who will? Confidence in one’s material is key for a comedian; for any writer or performer. But, at the same time, I was also perplexed by just what gave me that idea.

I’ve spent way more time liking girls than I’ve spent actually being with them. I’m not sure if that’s the case for most guys, but that’s the case for me. The thrill of the chase is half the fun, and half the time you’re chasing your own brain trying to get it to stop pondering the subject! “Does she like me back? Does she even like me at all? Does she even like guys? Does she even like people? What if she doesn’t like me back? What if she doesn’t like me at all? What if she doesn’t like guys? What if she doesn’t like people?” These answers won’t come about when all you’re doing is looking at her shapely figure! That’s all you’ve got to go off so far; you don’t have any useful information yet! Perhaps this is why there were (and certainly still are) men who see women as objects; they see a woman’s body as mere advertising, and their “duties” as their function. Is your woman misbehaving dysfunctional? Get a new one! We’re shallow people, us men. We go straight off what we see, but that’s the first thing we get a glimpse at: her body! I like to see it as just one of the ways to begin to discover someone, whilst understanding that there’s a fuckload more to a woman than her humps.

Having had a girlfriend, hence having at least some experience in this area of life, the first step with this new fancy of mine is determining whether there is any substance behind the attraction. Before I met my girlfriend, there was nothing but physical desire shaping my draw to girls; that’s puberty for you :P Been there, done that, and I ain’t going back, not even for fun in the sack. Upon meeting my girlfriend, however, and learning about whom she was and the things she liked, then going back and comparing them to the things I liked, it just clicked! There was now genuine backing behind the magnetism, and so it could be further explored for a substantial purpose rather than just for tail! Being back at square one (or square two, if finding a girl is the first step – the steps vary between geometrics :P) means that entire process must occur again. As much as I want to find out more about this girl so I can start to think about the next course of action, is it because I want to chew her brain, or eat her out? I suppose at this point, I want one thing to lead to another :P …shouldn’t have used that emoticon…

Having said that though, what do you do right after you see? You hear, of course! What a girl says is what provides you with the information necessary to make an informed decision as to whether or not the pursuit should continue. The problem is that normally, I see this girl each at a scriptwriting workshop I attend for only 2 hours, for which 0% of the time is spent socialising. I can only speak or listen to this girl before and after the session. Having heard this girl speak only a few times, she seems like a genuinely kind person, but I’ve also heard that she’s outgoing and a bit of a talker, so at this point I know that she’s somewhere between “naïve tenderfoot” and “total bitch;” I suppose I need more information, and in the absence of information, I over-analyse what little information I already have. For example, I missed a session due to my recent illness. When I went back the next week, she greeted me with a big smile on her face and asked me how I was, yet we don’t speak very often and she doesn’t know me that well. That kind of vague shit is exactly the kind of thing one can go nuts trying to figure out! “She said hello and asked me how I was… does that mean she likes me? Does that mean that she’s interested in me as a person, in my condition, in my status? Or was she just being polite? Surely, if she liked me, she would have continued conversation after she greeted me… or perhaps she’s feeling the same way and is too scared to do so! Maybe she’s just the type of person who says hello to everyone. Maybe she’s just an incredibly hot alien from out of space!” If left to my own devices, this can go on for weeks at a time.

After seeing her today though, I feel that all this has at least some potential to blossom. Rather than thinking of her lovely lady parts, this time I was drawn by the seemingly bottomless depths of beauty that are her eyes. My God, they are pretty! It must be something about the colour green blue (they look so similar, seriously :P) that fucks my head right up. It seems a bit ridiculous though; what the hell am I looking her eyes for anyway!? Do I want to give myself away? For fuck’s sake, even if she’s not looking at me, she can probably still see me looking straight at her out the corner of those same eyes I’m looking in to! I’d make a shitty covert-ops agent, man. Then again, my previous fancies have given me two and a half years of ogling skill- oh, there I go again. See? I can’t help myself. Having said that though, I now have expressions with even less clarity to deconstruct. Get this: she said my handwriting was “arty.” …what? My handwriting is what? My handwriting is messy and borderline illegible, not arty! Shit, I can barely read it at the best of times. How’s that for irony, huh? This is the sort of nonsense you spout when you’re… talking to someone you like! Take it from someone who knows: you say some crazy shit when your heart is racing and your mind is fleeting. I could be (and probably am :P) reading too far in to it, but it’s interesting to analyse nonetheless.

In spite of all this confusion (which I sincerely apologise for… seriously :P) the clincher for me is the how radiant I was for those few hours. In that room, I’d never felt more comfortable to speak; to be myself. I was making cracks left, right and centre, and people were laughing! That’s my natural style: to fuck around! And I was fucking around and around and around!  Once she was out of my sight, my face lit up. After two hours of holding it back, I’m walking the streets with this monstrous grin on my face, the kind you don’t need a mirror to check up on. I was happy! What I was saying before about depression works: just think about good shit, and the bad shit disappears! It’s the same feeling I had before I broke up, but now magnified due to its previous absence! There’s nothing like that unexplainable visceral sentiment that fills one’s system when they see who they think to be the greatest person in the world for reasons they can’t explain: the undisputed king of emotions, in my books. All you’re thinking about is her as she smiles and talks with you in hypothetical bliss.

Oh, and before I forget… can one of the more experienced readers tell me just what a vagina tastes like? I wanna know before I start making requests :P