YouTube Update: Stuff You; I'd Rather Not Do What You Tell Me.

Fuck you! I won't do what you tell me, motherfucker!

Zack de la Rocha, Rage Against the Machine

Ah, that's more like it :)

Having said that, however, I'm going to ask that you do not interpret the following entry as being disregarding of your opinions and desires as far as my YouTube channel goes. I have an audience, and if I wish to maintain that audience (which I do), then it is my duty to appease them -- that's just how it works with being a content creator. The thing with my YouTube channel, however, is that it does not revolve around the audience. I don't create content solely because other people enjoy it; I produce it because I like producing it, and because (hypothetically) you like watching it. I don't produce content that isn't enjoyable to produce -- forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do just because someone else wants you to (when it comes to producing content, at least) is inane. This is why there is no schedule, no plan, no structure, and no consistency: I make videos when I want and how I want, and I make them about whatever I want. The userbase seems to like what I put out, so it's a win for both parties; but content is never made with me thinking "ooohh! They'll just love this!" Don't bullshit yourself; I don't think like that. Yes, I make stuff my audience will presumably like (hence why I mainly publish LBP videos: because that's why most subscribers subscribed in the first place :P) but I will not go out of my way to suck dicks and fondle balls just because people ask.

When it comes to people making demands, it pisses me off to no end. Requests are fine, demands are not; and there is a clear-cut difference. A request is polite, reasonable, and optional; a demand is (in this context) rude, ridiculous, and seemingly mandatory, at least to the demander. I can deal with people requesting levels and ideas (hence why the facets that allow you to do so are made available), but when I get comments like this:



-followed by comments like this:





-it annoys me that both parties ask for the same thing, yet to appease the polite one is to appease both. People who ask for things as impolitely as that don't deserve what they want as far as I'm concerned, especially when they're getting it for free, on my time. It's just ungrateful. I know not everyone is greedy like that, and that those people may not even be like that all the time; but when they are, it's clear cut in my mind that they're being completely unreasonable.

When it comes to what content goes on my channel, here's how things work:

Someone suggests a quality, original level?
If I have the time, I record and upload it.

I have issues I want to get off my chest, and don't want to type?
I record a random game, and throw my thoughts over the top.

I'm going to perform a new stand-up segment somewhere?
I try to get someone to film it for me, and I upload it.

I think of an idea for a video that doesn't fit the above three criteria?
If I have the time and resources, I try it out.

That's it.

That is the extent to which my YouTube channel operates in terms of planning and development. It doesn't stretch an inch beyond what's written above, and it probably never will.

LittleBigShow, which I began making episodes for about a year and a half ago, was the result of that last item in the itinerary. It began well enough, with positive reception being received due to the combining of my voice (which people like for some reason >.>) and the gaming content: three level previews combined in to one video, rather than a single level playthrough. Sure, there was a "Previews" and "Reviews" section, but when you get right down to it, it was just three levels being showcased, with their qualities highlighted for all to see. There haven't been any episodes since April this year, with the latest episode being featured on my channel since its release, giving the false hope of more episodes to come. There are two reasons why there haven't been more episodes; they are:

1: I haven't had the time to work on the show.

Now, however, my schedule is far less busy, and probably won't be as busy as it was before for a long time. "Why, then, are there still no episodes?", you may ask.

2: I don't like making the show.

I used to like making the show -- I loved the recording, the writing, the editing, all of it -- but it soon became a tedium, one I grew tired of very quickly. I had to adhere to a schedule of one episode a month (which was originally going to be one a week -- get fuckin' real :P), which just became annoying, as I hate working for deadlines. I had to go through a whole slew of levels just to get the good ones (this was before LBP.me, however, whose reviews and comments sections would have reduce the workload significantly). The most prevalent dislike I have for the show, however, is its inefficency in doing its job, which was to highlight hidden gems in the LBP community. Yes, it did do its job, but with no efficiency boost on my end. Sure, it would be quicker for you guys, because you get three levels in one video; but for me came the tasks of gathering and organising suggestions, writing scripts and dot points, recording voice-overs (which took multiple takes due to their scripted nature), and an arduous editing process for something that only ended up running for five minutes. The effort simply isn't worth the return.

Put it this way: it would be far quicker for me to simply record three levels, edit them separately (a process which involves nothing more than importing, clipping, and a few nips and tucks), encode them separately, and upload them over a period of time, than it would for me to make LBS. It's just quicker! If you want my opinion of the level, I leave a snippet in the description -- always have, always will. That's another thing I disliked about the show: I told you what I thought of the level. Who gives a flying fuck what I think of the level? It's your opinion of the level that matters, not mine! If you think it looks good, you'll go and play it, regardless of what I think or say! There isn't even a point to the voice-over -- as I said (and I'm not being conceited; people have said this to me on YouTube, more than just a few times) people just liked listening to me speak. If there's no substance or worth in the words, there's no point in speaking them.

-but I liked LittleBigShow!

Your prayers have been answered (for a number of months now, in fact :P).

LittleBigPicks has been operating since June of this year, and they've already produced nine episodes of their program, in the form of both levels in LittleBigPlanet 2, and YouTube videos (which are essentially recordings of the levels they make for their show). I am not affiliated with the group behind the content -- I actually hadn't really investigated them until earlier this week -- but, from watching their work, it's presented beautifully and professionally, and has voice work, if you just have to hear someone talk :P  It's done by a team of at least two players (the hosts of the show), and the format is similar to LBS, but different in ways that make their show more engaging and engrossing. Their show is longer, and the hosts build their own set to use in-game -- it's essentially machinima. They not only feature levels, but do other cool stuff as well from time to time -- they recently had an interview with steve_big_guns, so they're evidently being noted for their talents, and getting attention they wholeheartedly deserve. These guys are doing great work, and are featuring incredible levels, so if you want something like LittleBigShow, this is where you should go. It will make LBS seem like child's play :P

As for what I'll be doing on my channel, I've been watching a few Let's Play channels (namely NintendoCapriSun), and thought I could give that a shot once my computer's fixed. Before really watching an LP, I was like "man, what the fuck is the point of watching someone play an entire game, start to finish!? Would that not be the most boring shit ever!?" Well, no, it's not the most boring shit ever, provided you've got a good commentator at the helm; a bad one fucking ruins it (I'll probably do an entry on the LP 'culture', because finding a good LPer is like finding a needle in a haystack coated in shit :P). I'm not saying I could do any better (hence why I'd only be willing to try it out without making any commitments), but if people like watching me play games, and listening to me talk, this is the fastest way I can provide you with a video combining those elements.

I'm not sure what game I'll do though. I am not doing LittleBigPlanet (the acing videos are practically an LP if you string them all together :P), nor do I want to do any game that's been done a million times (Super Mario 64, Ocarina of Time, etc). I'd love to do Donkey Kong 64, as I love that game and know my way around it fairly well, but I only have an emulated version, which is a little glitchy -- I'd rather do it on a real Nintendo 64 (which I will be buying :D). I could do Ratchet and Clank as well, and for now, that seems to be what I'll be doing if I decide to try it out. It's a short enough game to do, but isn't so short that it'll be over before you know it. DK64 is a damn long game, so it'd be better to do if I know it'll be worth doing; I don't want to quit halfway through (hate leaving projects unfinished).

As for my computer, I've found a place that might be able to diagnose (or better yet, fix) the machine, but as it's the Christmas break, the place won't be available for a few days, and I also have to find transport for the box to the place and back (I don't have a license, and I sure as fuck can't walk 30 minutes in to/back from town with this mammoth under my shoulder :P). I can't tell you when it'll be fixed (I may have to purchase replacement parts, which I don't have money for at the moment), but progress has been made to some extent.

Don't jump to dumb conclusions either -- I won't stop making LBP 2 videos, and I'll resume recording levels once my PC is back up and running. For the meantime, I've got another couple of levels in the vaults that (with any luck :P) I can encode and upload (provided the machine doesn't explode).

You're free to leave your thoughts on the subject here, or on my YouTube channel, or any one of my videos. I read and appreciate all feedback :)

Sick: I'm Sick of Being It (Sick, That is)

"Have you ever been sick for such a long time that you've actually forgotten what it feels like not to be sick? Sick is your default; 'tis your norm. You are sick."

Me

Quoting myself? You bet! I'm just that arrogant ;D

I am also, however, sick as a very sick dog. I'm not just "sick as a dog", because your average dog is almost completely healthy -- I'm waysicker than your average fuckin' dog :P

It always plays out the same for me:

Day 1: Abnormally high amount of phlegm in my throat. Day continues as normal.
Night 1: As I try to sleep (the gunk in my throat prevents this from actually happening), I feel my throat getting progressively sorer and more irritable.

Day 2: I wake up to feel my throat being gang-raped by every liquid in my body -- it burns like a Nazi bonfire.
Night 2: Due to the gunk invasion, sleep is nigh impossible until I completely run out of energy.

Day 3: Throat no longer burns, but sinuses are completely blocked -- I feel as though I'm lucky not to be drowning in a river of mucus.
Night 3: Sleep is a little easier, but the headache caused by the blocked sinuses (and not aided by the hours of Crash Bandicoot and Perfect Dark >.<) prevents true slumber comfort.

Everyday after that for the next two weeks sees the disease slowly remove itself from my body -- evacuation time is cut in half with some antibiotics. As much as I hate relying on them, I suppose I have to -- my natural immune system is probably some guy standing at the tip of my oesophagus armed with nothing but a garden shovel (a cheap one, too), perpetually scared out of his weak little mind.

I hate getting sick, though! I hate hate hate it! All day long, I have this burning desire to rip my own head off, get a toothpick, and rummage around every nook and cranny to remove any trace of goo and icky stuff. I don't like feeling as though my head is trapped in a fucking vice! At least if my balls are in a vice, they're never there for long -- this lasts days, and days, and days... not to mention I still have to live life as though nothing is wrong! Where's the quilt nestled tightly against my tummy to keep me warm? Where's my chocolate ice-cream and Demazin to keep me alive? Where's my Daria box-set to keep me entertained (I don't actually have that anyway... I want it though!)? Nowhere: that's where. Nowhere. Every morning, I have to wake up, accept the fact I'm an adult, and go to school, so I can give this bug to everyone in my fucking cohort, wanting to kill anyone who speaks louder than a whisper.

What pisses me off the most is that, as a performer, me getting sick = me getting a chainsaw and amputating all my limbs (it's possible if you plan it right). You simply can't perform very well, if at all, when you're sick. A little honey might kill the frog in the throat, and some painkillers relieve temporarily the headache, but the gunk ain't goin' nowhere no time soon, so you look and sound sick anyway! Thankfully, I don't have to perform for two weeks, but if I'm still sick when that day comes, I am sweet outta luck and jolly well fucked. Can you imagine doing ten minutes of non-stop talking and moving with a cold? You can? OK... try *thirty-five* minutes. That's what I'm up against in just over two weeks time: a half-an-hour extravaganza of potential comedy; and doing that with a cold simply ain't gonna be cool.

I've always wondered: "what would happen if I simply took all the antibiotics here and now? All twenty-four of 'em, down my gob in a jiffy... surely, the disease wouldn't stand a chance!" Well, I don't study biology (or any science, for that matter), but I'm pretty sure that'd fuck you up even worse than before :P  The antibiotics would eradicate the disease pretty damn quick, but all the antibiotics that didn't die in the epic battle would still be all pent up -- they didn't get to kill anything! They'd go ape-shit on my innards, releasing their rage by bashing and stabbing any organ or tissue they could find! You think having your throat gang-raped sucks? How about having your liver gang-raped; or your stomach; or your skin; or your brain!? That doesn't sound too good to me! Fuck that shit, man!

Ideas: The Crazy, Albiet Reasonable Things You Wanna Do, and Therefore Should Do

"I got a lot of good ideas -- trouble is, most of 'em suck."

George Carlin

Do you sometimes have ideas that you think are really out there and perhaps even beyond realisation, but just might fuckin' work? I got a few... like not putting all your end-of-year exams at the end of the goddamned year! Maybe we'd like some space in there to... study! System wants me to do well? System can be reasonable for once, and maybe System will get what System wants! And what's up with testing me on shit I've already been tested on? That's what most end-of-year tests are: all-encompassing tests that examine you on everything you learned that year... do you even remember half the shit you learned this year? Well, I suppose you've managed to remember everything you've learned this year -- if you haven't remembered it, you haven't learned it :P  The thing is, I can't understand what the topic test was for if I'm just gonna get examined again on that very same topic in a few months time! If I really need that knowledge for anything I do in the future, I'll take in on myself to learn it in preparation, rather than getting it all back in my head for the sake of repeated analysis by the State.

I got a sorta messed up idea too; it's disgusting, but it's got potential! See, my eating habits are fucked up, and I mean fucked up. I have no allergies and no medical conditions to worry about; my habits are pure, 100% choice. If you think you've seen a fussy eater, you ain't seen shit, son :P  Ladies, would you go out with a guy who eats crackers and custard for dinner? Methinks not :P  This idea would need me a stroke of luck to find a more-than-willing participant, but it would eliminate the need for me to ask that question ever again. First, I'd have to meet a girl whose answer to that question is something along the lines of "of course!" or "why not?" The problem is that any girl would change their answer to that question pretty quickly upon experiencing my eating habits and the self-imposed restrictions that come with them. This is where the second part comes in: I call it "The Transitional Stage." Basically, we get the relationship to a point where we're happy to make out ("lips and tongue" is one of my all-time favourite dishes :P). At this point, I tell her my idea in full. What happens is: she gets something to eat that I haven't tried before, she takes a bite, chews it up a bit... then we let our tongues dance together for a good ten, maybe fifteen seconds, at least until a good portion of the food is in my mouth, so I can taste it! It's win-win: she gets a boyfriend who isn't a total pain in the arse to go out with, and I get to make out! How isn't this an awesome idea!?

In all seriousness though, I actually have an idea I'd like to see brought to life; and I've already got pretty much everything I need. You know how at the mall, and in other public places, you've got kids walking around with iPods, DS's, PSP's, mobile phones; all that shit? I'm old school; I need me some split-screen action! Here's what I want to do: I have a small 21" (~50cm) LCD TV that will fit in a bag, an old laptop with a bunch of emulators on it (NES, SNES, N64, PS1, etc), and two PS3 controllers that will work on the laptop with special drivers. I take the TV and the laptop in to a public place (most likely a mall), set the TV and laptop up near a power-point (and out of people's way), get friend(s) to donate another two controllers, and set up a small 4-player retro rig for anyone who wants to join in! If you saw Mario Kart 64 and a spare controller at the mall, wouldn't you stop by and play a bit? And how awesome would some Goldeneye be!? It'd be a blast! We might get kicked out, but so long as we're not too loud, and we keep out of people's way, what's the fuckin' problem with this? Stealing their power, am I? This equipment wouldn't suck up anymore than $1 worth of juice in the space of an hour, if that. I'll chuck 'em a coin and tell 'em to lighten up :P

Security is a bit of an issue, although not so much with the TV and laptop, as they're both heaps of shit that only serve to get the job done, not to mention their weight -- you'd be better off robbing one of the surrounding department stores :P  It's the PS3 controllers I'm worried about, as they don't have the cable attached at the controller end. Someone could simply yank the micro-USB out and run off with $100 worth of equipment; three people do that, and I'm $300 in the hole (and at least one of those controllers wouldn't have been mine :P). If I got PS2 controllers and a few USB adapters, I could simply tie the cables around a table leg or something to make it virtually impossible to surreptitiously steal the equipment intact -- you'd have to cut the cable to get the controller (and who steals PS2 controllers anyway? Yeesh :P) It might cost me some money, but I think it'd totally be worth it; and if I can find somewhere to do it, I'll fuckin' do it :P

...hopefully, this future girlfriend of mine is a bit kinky; that way, her mouth won't be the only place I could eat out :P

Grace: It Would Never Have Perished if It Weren't for You Meddling Kids!

"Children: can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em! Can't you see that!?" 

Robin Williams (or whoever he stole the material from >.>)

Truer words were never spoken. Ever. :P

I have never been a fan of anyone between the ages of 7 and 13 with access to the internet. The demographic carries with it the misfortune of being represented, at least in part, by verbally impotent, intellectually deficient loudmouths with no sign of respect and no thought to spare. I'm well aware of the fact that kids need to learn that it's polite not to be a total douchebag when talking to someone -- that's just part of growing up -- but doesn't that shit happen when they're, like, 5? 6, maybe? I know I was taught that shit way before I got my hands on a keyboard and mouse, and I was roughly the same age when internet access first came in to our house. Of course, everyone outside of the demo is slightly to blame, with kids being exposed to this and being led to believe it's a totally appropriate way to talk to someone you just met; but sometimes, you just know the kid's a total dick, and I've had one of those incidents recently.

Keep in mind that I used to be a pretty hot-headed person, and would go off at the first sight of idiocy or ignorance, irrespective of the guilty party's age. I soon realised that this was a rather extreme way to act, and while I still cringe and curse when I see people asking dumbarse questions in YouTube comments or personal messages that Google could answer in a godforsaken millisecond, the cursing is only heard by the walls in my house -- now, I simply tell them to "look it up" without going apeshit. There was this one kid this week who sent me 4 or 5 PM's on YouTube asking "where do you get [sticker]", "where do you get the tool bag for create mode", "where do you get the clank level i have the game of the year edition and i cant find it". It's not the absence of spelling or grammar that gets me; it's the fact that research skills are seemingly lacking in today's young. I doubt it was this bad before computers -- I betcha anything that kids back then weren't this empty up top. They knew: wanna know what a word means? Dictionary. Wanna know other words for that word? Thesaurus. Wanna know the capital of the Dominican Republic? Atlas. Wanna speed this shit up and get with the times? Google. That, however, is pretty excusable; what I'm about to recite is not :P

Somebody sent me a friend request on the PSN: "I want to be your friend" or something to that effect was in the message. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, I get those from time to time, but I don't add anyone on the PSN. I don't really care if he knew or not, and there's nothing to be angry about, so I just tell him what I tell everyone else who sends me a friend request on the PSN:

"I don't add anyone on the PSN, sorry."

That is word for word what I send as a reply to anyone who sends me a friend request and is nice enough to write something in the message space (empty friend requests are just sad -- at this point, the kid is in my good books). His reply:

"i'm ur fan and you say this to me"

...yes, I do say this to him, and to everyone else who sends me a request. I don't owe him anything -- I have fun making videos and getting some attention, he gets free entertainment. It's a more-than-reasonable exchange. No need to bring that shit up with him though; I'll just explain my response:

"i say this to everyone who wants to add me -- i can't add everyone who asks, and i don't have the time to play with you, so there's no point in me adding you"

Seriously: there isn't. I'm on rarely as it is, and when I am online, I opt to play alone more often than not. His reply:

"then why did you add luisbravo1?"

Perfectly reasonable question, deserving of an answer:

"that was years ago back when I wasn't busy, and it was to make a video with him"

His reply:

"please add me Bludgaboy i want a friend that is cool. just plz add me i'm begging u :("

...a-a-a-and here's where it all starts going downhill :P  This implies that any existing friends this kid has are, in his eyes, not cool. How rude is that, man!? Kids say shit like this all the time, but wow! Gotta end this quickly:

"why should i add you and no one else that asks? that's not fair. please just accept the fact"

This is part of my reasoning behind my decision not to add anyone, regardless of who they are: one stranger gets rejected because there's no point in me adding them, so does everyone else. If I pick and choose which random friend requests to accept and reject, it'll just serve to piss the rejected ones off. This way, it's nothing personal.

He left me alone for about a week, then sent me this cavalcade of irritation:

"Plz add me Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz"

For those of you too lazy to count: 32 instances of the abbreviation collaborated on that project. What does copy/pasting "plz" go to show (they wouldn't all be capital P's if he didn't copy/paste... or at least tried to cover his tracks :P)? It's just silly, right?

"you can beg all you like, it's only making you look immature"

Harsh, but true. His reply:

"its not fair to be friends with venemo X luisbravo1 and everyone else"

1st: I am not friends with "everyone else" -- way to exaggerate :P

2nd: How is it not fair to be friends with Persons A and B, and not Person C? Maybe I don't like Person C! I am under no obligation to be friends with everyone who talks to me! If this is true, then one of two things is true: either I have to be friends with everyone, or have no friends at all!

3rd: Much like Luis, I added VenemoX a while back, and we knew each other on YouTube ever farther back. We were actual friends, so I added him (or him me, whatever :P). I've said this before, and I'll say it again: someone you know being in a "friends list" does not mean they are your friend. Also, I'm not friends with Luis; more of an acquaintance. We never speak to each other; how does that constitute friendship?

Kids think a "friend" is just someone they know, and I'm not gonna fuck with the kid's head for the sake of a label correction, so once again, I just tried to get this over with once and for all:

"i added those people *years* ago, before i stopped adding people. i have hardly any other people on the PSN i'm friends with. please, *please* stop this, or i'll just block you"

A-a-a-and now, the moment you've all been waiting for:

"f*** u"

WOAH WOAH WOAH Woah woah! F*** me? F*** me!? Hot diggity damn -- someone's gonna f*** me! Come on, people -- if you're gonna get down and dirty with the English language, at least have the balls to say the word rather than letting a bunch of asterisks do the work for ya :P

"calm down, grow up, and get over it, dude. i wouldn't want someone so rude and immature in my friends list even if i *did* add people"

Note how I'm yet to crack? No need to: he already has :P

"shut up u fuckin ass hole ADD ME!"

No "f*** me"? Is that girl still up for it? I know I am... *drools*. Anyways, enough perversion. Apart from the fact that "ass hole" is one word and not two, do you notice anything else wrong with this message? Anything at all? I sorta noticed something, might not actually be something, but, um... see how he called me a "fuckin ass hole"... then, right next to that, he demands that I add him? Do you get that? I don't.

I don't add people because I don't want to be obliged to add every single person who asks; I also don't add people so I can avoid future contact with anyone like this :P

EDIT:

"i dont want to be in your vids i just want to add u"

-and I just want this kid to get the message, but it would appear no-one's getting what they want. I don't think there's any hope with this kid. Just send his resume to Taco Bell and get him the fuck away from the PlayStation :P

EDIT 2:

More kids sending me friend requests? Yes, more kids sending me friend requests.

Some other kid kept asking me to be his friend and sent me a friend request every time I rejected the previous one. Eventually, he asked me to give him DLC; all became crystal clear from that point onwards :P  Go buy your own DLC, stingy prick.

I had another kid send me a friend request just saying "add me", which I responded to in the same way I always do. Logged on this morning to find another "please please please please please" marathon. Kudos for using the full word rather than the contracted version, but it doesn't give you that much credit :P

Tension: Butter Knives Won't Cut It Because It Isn't Tangible

... do they have intangible butter knives? Where could I get one of those from? ...I suppose it doesn't matter whether I have one or not -- the tension is here to stay.

I have since seen my fancy for what is probably the last time. All the commotion is beginning to settle, the feelings are beginning to recede, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth doing this again when this is what's going to end up happening each and every time :P  Even the last day heralded signs of this whole thing being somewhat mutual, but the end of the day made it rather clear that the signs were just as I thought them to be: not signs. It's unusual going back and looking at all those little things she did...

"Surely, these things must have meant something!"

Nope.

"So... so all this just... happened?"

Uh-huh.

"Damn..."

The Tuesday began as they all have for the last few weeks: me getting off the train and running like a motherfucker in the hopes of catching up. The train arrived late, so I had to run the entire way; and I did! Slow down? What the fuck for!? I've got shit to do! At this point, the day is playing out like a poorly written, all but clichéd' romantic comedy :P  I ran, and I ran, and I ran... and I ran... and I... ran... and... I... ran... ... ...then I got there... ...to the place the meetings were held... "ah, shit! I've missed her! I must have ran past her again! God dammit!"

I sit down, catching my breath (it's weird how no one asked why I was breathing so heavily), and we all know who shows up five minutes later... from the other fucking direction! I came in from the east side; she came in from the west side! ... why!? I know which train station she gets off at! I walk past it on the way there, and that's the path she usually takes, so what's up with this tricky, ninja-like teleportation shit she's pulling here!? If I'd known, I just would have kept running! I don't give a fuck if I have to double back -- it's more than worth it! And an explanation, you think she'd ask for? I'd have just made one up -- who cares!?

"The main thing is that she's here. Things could be a lot worse, but they aren't, because she's here." They immediately wished her "happy birthday!", which I had to chime in for at the last second because I didn't know (I'm finding it harder each day justifying my decision to not use Facebook -- how else would they have known :P). She greets everyone with a friendly hug; and boy, was I looking forward to mine! She said nothing more than "hello, [name]!" with each hug, except mine (of course, mine just has to be different to make things more confusing), as she added on a "nice jacket!" with my greeting. I suppose it's just one more for the pile of things that can be easily misinterpreted as signs of something meaningful :P

Discussion was fruitful as I waited for the perfect moment to ask for her e-mail/phone number/whatever. "I'll take the first one I get! I don't care if these people figure everything out; I just want those details, dammit!" Unfortunately, she sat quite far from me (at the other end of the table >.< ) so I couldn't speak directly to her, or even move to sit next to her... poor girl didn't even have a seat! She was just kneeling at the table! I wanted to offer her a seat, but where she was, a seat wouldn't fit... she could have had my seat if she wanted! Hell, I'd be her seat :P  Seat or no seat, however, discussion continued; and my non-involvement in the conversation went against me as the subject matter turned to that which is ripe for disagreement: religion. See? I told you he was a motherfucker! I heard the word "evolution" come out of someone's mouth, and off they went.

I don't get it: there was not one person at that table who can prove the existence or non-existence of God, nor one who can explain fully how species have come to be! What the fuck were they arguing for!? No one side was going to sway the other, so what was the point!? We're writers, not scientists! Herp-a-derp indeed :P

After the meeting started, no hard feelings were felt, so all was well... but how was I supposed to talk to her now? She sat across from me, as if to taunt me with that oh-so-beautiful face I'll (probably) never lay eyes upon again, and the last meeting commences. Cake was brought by our mentors, but it had all kinds of things in it that turned me right off -- since when were poppy-seeds in cake!? Seriously! "Luckily" (I use the term lightly :P) my fancy just happened to have with her a box, inside of which was a lone muffin. Upon hearing of my lack of appeal for the cake: "Oh! Would you like this muffin instead?" ... does she even have to ask? Really? "Oh, sure! :D" It's chocolate, so I'm on that motherfucker like it's nobody's business :P  I'd have eaten it in one big mouthful, but, you know... still trying to make an impression here :P

The meeting goes on, and we near the end. We somehow get on to the topic of formatting the scripts, and I'm immediately mentioned because my formatting skills are super-duper-elite, apparently :P  The mentor goes so far as to ask me to explain how I format my scripts, and I do so, with my fancy being the only one to reply, with something along the lines of "really? So you just make a table in Word with two columns, and make the grid invisible? Genius." Genius? Genius!? What the hell was that!? What is she: the Queen of Hyperbole? Little Miss Exaggeration? It doesn't matter how you look at it though -- that was a clear cut compliment right there, man! There's no denying that one; no doubt about it. Unfortunately, it only served to confuse me further :P

Not long after, I was sent out to do an errand. Everyone else was saying their goodbyes, and I was taking one for the team; one I'd have rather not taken. As soon as I arrived back, they took a group photo (I am yet to receive it, and I want it; and we all know why :P), then she just... left! I saw her put on her bag and simply walk out the door! She said goodbye to no one -- not even me -- but she'd probably taken care of that whilst I was out of the room! Ain't fate a bitch :P  I thought all was lost... until someone realised she'd left her container behind! Her friend, however, was far quicker than I was to pick it up and run screaming her name down the hallway in her attempt to get it back to her... I should have snatched the fucking thing out of her hand and pushed her out of the way, but alas, I did not.

And thus ended (rather abruptly) the escapade.

I have since sent the girl an e-mail with the address I acquired months ago, simply asking if we could keep in touch -- I had no chance to ask there, so what the hell, right? Unfortunately, however, she is yet to respond (if ever :P). It could be the fact she doesn't check her e-mail often; it could be the fact she's on a trip and can't check her e-mail; it could be the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me :P Who knows? A few more days and I'll call the quits all together... perhaps :P  As much as I talk about the past, and what could of happened, my friend left me with a rather strong statement:

"It couldn't have happened any other way, because it happened, and you're still here."

Too true... too true...

If there's anything to take from this, it's as follows: do shit while you can still do it. Leave nothing for later, and hesitate no longer on those things you want so badly. You're going to have to take chances, but that's half the fun, so get in there and have some fun! You might have to prepare, and you might have to sacrifice, but it's all worth it in the end :)

Chatty: The Trait That Makes This Shit a Lot Fucking Easier

I'm not well known for getting shit done; I stall, overthink and procrastinate until all hours over those tasks I find daunting. Sometimes, however, time is stretched thin simply because of the situation at hand, and with only 1 more encounter between my fancy and I for me to look forward to, "stretched thin" is quite the understatement. The "make or break" moment draws ever closer, and although much has been made in the name of progress, a lot more needs to be made in the name of "hurry the fuck up!" Expletives aside though, I'm a lot closer than when all this madness started -- no contact details yet, no no no... but conversation? Yes yes yes :P

The first instance almost caught me off guard. It was one if those opportunities you don't see coming, but those are the most fun because you have no idea what's gonna happen; the adrenaline goes off the charts and you're bouncing off the wall. I find it hard to believe I try to avoid doing things that would make me feel this way, even though I love the feeling and sometimes even crave it. I arrived at the meet unable to see anyone else from the group, so I keep walking to see a lone, curvy figure... guess who :P "Where the hell is everyone else- WHO CARES? How come she's the only one here- NOT IMPORTANT! I wonder if anything's happened- STOP THINKING AND SAY HELLO!" When you boil down to it, sometimes being louder does make your point more valid; it does in my head at the very least :P So, off I go, balls to the wall and heartbeat to the max, and that all important celestial introduction makes it's way from my vocabulary to my vocal cords, promptly passing through my dry lips up to her receptors unawares... "...hi!"

Then the real fun starts :P

As the message makes it's way through her brain, there comes that smile one can't quite escape, and the reply is urgently anticipated. "Oh! Good morning!" she said, quick to realise that it was actually 5 in the friggin' afternoon :P -- I'd have pointed it out, but her quick and adorable "Oops! Good afternoon, I meant." relieved me of such pressure. She was using her phone (hopefully not texting her boyfriend! O.O) so I moved along and took a seat. She came up and took a seat nearby, proceeding to talk about the previous week's session. This is the great thing about this girl: she just talks! She talks and talks and talks! This trait might come back to bite me in the arse one day, but for now, it's a fucking Godsend. It's not like she is completely unable to shut up; she just naturally has more to say, irrespective of the subject at hand. There's never an awkward silence -- if I ain't sayin' somethin', she takes care of everything! It may make it hard for me to get a word in, but at this point, anything's better than nothing :P  After 3 to 4 minutes of bliss (felt like 3-4 seconds :P) others started to show, and attention was impossible to hold, but the way that conversation flowed was just... just... :D

The next episode of chit-chat came about through a second strike of lightning I wasn't expecting. In a previous entry, I mentioned walking right past the girl as I was on my way to the meet -- not even someone as mentally inept as me is dumb enough to fuck this up twice :P  Funnily enough, I spotted her from a hundred metres back, out of breath as I ran to try to see if I'd catch up -- and by golly I did! :D -- so I was out of breath, quietly begging myself to "slow down, motherfucker... slow down, motherfucker... slow down... mother... fucker..." It was kinda creepy walking just a tad faster than her, without her noticing me until I was by her side saying "hello!" It was like the sort of thing you'd see in a horror movie... I'd have blown my cover in a fit of laughter had the Jaws theme started playing on my iPod :P  Her reaction I'll never forget: "Oh my gosh! Hey! Oh my gosh!" she spieled as she took her earphones out to speak, as if she thought I'd been there for 30 seconds and was too engrossed in the music to realise; not to mention the fact that she seemed very excited to see me... see why I've been hanging on to this for so long? It's all the little things, and by God do they amount to something after such time :P It was the same situation -- me listening to her talking about the same things for the most part -- but once again, it's better than walking right past her in a puff of smoke :P

This is, however, drawing to a close however you look at it. At some point, I am going to have to get contact details (or use those I already found :P) to get something happening here. With only one more (hypothetically) guaranteed physical encounter, I am up shit creek without a paddle, and I don't know where you buy paddles from in this neighbourhood. What I've discussed here isn't even remotely courageous by any regular standard, so I'm going to have to do something actually ballsy if I want this to go anywhere: I'm either going to have to ask her for her email/number/MSN/Facebook (fuck that shit :P) to her face... or be a sneaky little devil and use the email I already have to slip in there and get a late start, hoping not to fuck with her head in the process :P

... I make this shit way harder than it  needs to be, huh :P

Arrogance: Karma's BFF

"Oh... back, are you?"

Indeed I am :D

"Probably here to talk about that fancy of yours -- am I right?"

Go fuck a tractor :D

Believe me, I will be talking about her, but not right now. I can already hear the sighs of relief -- don't try to hide 'em :P

Rather, I intend to discuss effort, reward, and the occasional lack there of. I've been under a great deal of pressure lately to work, and my recent toil has paid off. I've nearly finished a short play I started a month back, I've got a few short stand-up segments together, and I've been through an(other) exam period, one of the few I actually studied for :P   It's been stressful, but (almost) entirely rewarding, with the energy I've spent slowly coming back as good marks and good material. Not everything I've been working on this year, however, is so dandy. I mentioned in an earlier entry a comedy competition I was preparing for, which I recently performed in... and lost :P To be beaten is one thing, but to be beaten by people who prepared less than you and had less experience than you is grade-A bullshit.

Four out of the eight or so performers would go on to the next round, and two of the four chosen were well deserving of advancement. The rapid-fire ventriloquist act and the stand-up comic with a missing ligament were outstanding performers with fucking awesome material, more than worthy of their spots. I regret to inform you that I can't show you their acts, 'cause I would if I could. The third placement was iffy but still an acceptable candidate: a non-sequitur comic with only ~2.5 minutes of material, heavily influenced by Mitch Hedberg -- one of his jokes almost mirrored word for word that of his idol. The fourth choice leaves me stumped: a performer who spent half her performance "umm"ing and "err"ing, stalling, and lacking overall stage presence. This is just bad performing in general, let alone for a competition.

These four competitors only shared one thing: a good reception from the audience -- and that's all the judges were looking for: laughs. Preparation, delivery and structure simply did not come in to play as deciding factors with the placements. Some people were rehearsing with scripts... scripts! If your performing a five minute routine where you need to maintain a connection with the audience for the entire set, the least you could do is learn your fucking lines! Even the guy who hardly had three minutes of material had his jokes written on paper -- from my experience, individual jokes are easy to remember if they're good (i.e. worth remembering), so that confused me. In all my years, I've never seen such reliance on the dreaded reading material. Granted, no one had a script during their actual performance, and to bring your script for the occasional reference in case you fuck up a line during rehearsal is a smart move, but to be reading it top to bottom in preparation only goes to show you weren't doing what you were supposed to be doing yesterday.

I was the only one there who'd done the competition before, with my first stand-up performance quickly teaching me that confidence is vital for any comic performance; and while most of the entrants were confident in their routines, I was the only one who was complimented on being openly confident (by the non-sequitur guy :P) In addition, I was the only performer who received commendation from the comic mentor in terms of delivery, and the only one she said had conversational tone -- she had not one suggestion for improving my act! Not one! "See how he was talking to the audience like that? That's the way to go!" I was the fucking benchmark! Everyone else's routine was altered in some way via the professional's suggestions, but I performed my routine for the audience no different to how I'd performed it in rehearsal. This might have been to due the fact I'd been writing and editing the routine for three months.

That's right: three months of writing to come out with five minutes (little more than a page) of material. Considering most comics perfect forty-five minutes of material in around two years, this is ridiculous even by the industry's standards :P   The time taken was mostly due to a meticulous editing process I implemented in my attempt to utilise every second of the three hundred I had to strike lolz with the audience. The set had to start strong, end with a punch-line, and stand out from the rest. My opening lines were carefully written to get the audience laughing as soon as possible, and the end was (in theory) a great round off. Unfortunately, the audience wasn't as bright as the (considerably younger) student body I'm usually surrounded by. Here's the opening gag (I'm holding a bottle of water):

"Let me take a drink of water here... they call this a bottle of water -- is this really a bottle of water? Think about it: if a stack of chairs is a stack made of chairs, and a pile of leaves is a pile of leaves... then what's a bottle of water?"

Do you get it? Huh? Do you!? The audience didn't! They didn't have a fucking clue! Surely, an educated, literate adult (like those that filled the audience) can do the math and figure it out: it's a bottle made of water, which isn't structurally possible and hence absurd to consider. When I recited the same joke for a pack of students, I was cut off by laughter -- they got the joke before I even finished it! Irony was girding its loins well before the actual event :P

All this boils down to one thing: my unadulterated, ego-fueled arrogance. I was not only the most experienced comic, but also the cockiest, and it takes a downfall like this to teach a very valuable lesson in one single blow: shit happens. Karma has been in the education business for a very long time, and his experience in this field is unrivaled by that of any other spiritual concept. I went in thinking I was the most talented when I was only the most conceited; but I was also the most prepared, and I will continue to question the judge's criteria and the audience's intelligence for weeks to come. There is the small chance of a wildcard bringing me to the next round, but with the appalling reaction I got compared to previous performances, I highly doubt it.

...fucking amateurs... I hate being one :P

EDIT: I got the wildcard... yeah, I'm confused too :P